Honest opinions needed...

[RobertM54 36]

I'll just say that I am not a full disclosure type. So I do not even think to ask my girl is she ever had a curable STD. I expect full disclosure on the ones that are not curable. So this obsession about what is done is only relevant if, IMHO, you are having second thoughts for other reasons. Not a popular opinion here.

[Dutchster 1,107]

You could always tell her again how important it is in a marriage or relationship overall that you are honest towards each other. Keeping a secret is never a good base for a trustworthy marriage. Tell her to be open just like you were about your PTSD for example, but don't force too much. If your guts are directing you in the 'this is not right' feeling, then you should know what to do. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Will_and_Tu 46]

If it feels like a red flag, it IS a red flag. My soon-to-be wife from Vietnam had some things she was more shy to talk about early on, but we certainly discussed those things by the time I proposed. There may be some degree of cultural difference at play in terms of initial reluctance to discuss delicate personal matters but my fiancee never hid anything from me or declared any topics off-limits.

[Meg&Andrew 297]

I don't understand how someone could keep something from their soon go be husband like that. I absolutely would not marry someone who chose to hide things from me. Because in the back of your mind you're always going to be questioning her honesty, and what she's hiding from you. Not to mention, there's diseases (sexually transmitted) that can be treated, but not cured. If she really loves you, you would think she wouldn't hide anything that could harm your health. But the fact that she's hiding it (whatever it may be) makes you question if she loves you. If she's actually willing to end your soon to be marriage over you asking questions about it, you know it's not something small.

[amul 229]

She said 'yes', but refused to tell me what it was. Even to the point of breaking it off if I asked her again. I'm kind of freaking out, because my entire life, I've been told that there should never be any secrets in a relationship....

Apologies if I missed this part, but may I ask how long you two have know each other? Were you able to visit her and if so, were you able to spend enough time with her?

When it comes to health and a couple, there are simply no secrets in my book. There is an unsaid oath between a couple, it is to be each other's best friends -- to keep one other safe and have each other's backs. Keeping something this important from your life partner is a deal breaker, at least for me.

True story -- my hubby is younger than I am, was raised in a very rigid society (India) and was very sheltered (due to the societal pressure) and I am a very shy person when it comes to sharing intimate stuff, yet, we bonded so tightly and so intensely that we were both able to overcome our uncomfortableness about certain topics one by one. We talk about everything and ask questions until there aren't any questions in our heads. I have told him things that I had never even told my ex-husband (of 20 years) or any of my girlfriends. Reason? Because I trust my husband, I feel safe with him and I am home with him (and vise versa).

We have each other's backs and no matter what, we would always be honest with one other. Neither of us would settle for a partner that would hold life changing things (like diseases) back. Ultimatums like, "don't ask me this again," would also never fly in our relationship.

Please take some time, find your stillness and listen to your gut. I often ask myself "why do I feel this way?" and mentally go through a check list of things. Once the dust settles, there is always a single answer staring me in the face. It is not easy to face it, but once you do, your life/path/mind becomes clearer.

My best to you...

P.S: Happy belated Veterans Day!

[JenniferNangel 137]

I also have PTSD and have been able to share my past with my husband which is something I don't like to do and haven't been able to for many years but I trusted him enough so yeah it was easy for me. I would be pissed if I asked him a question and he shut me down I wouldn't be able to trust him and would leave divorce whatever the case may be. By now he knows I have no filter and will speak my mind and ask him any questions but he was also my best friend for 3 years prior to our relationship/marriage. My hormones make it so he wants to pull out his hair but he is still always open and honest with me which I appreciate. Everyone has a past some a lot worse than others but the fact she won't talk about whatever illness she had/has I would see that as a red flag and run in the opposite direction

Best of luck to you

[amul 229]

You all are awesome. I mean that sincerely. Too many times I've followed my heart while ignoring my gut feelings, and the results were bad. Regardless of the time, effort, and money, it's small fries compared to getting her over here and having things go sideways. I'm a 100% disabled vet with this and PTSD. It wasn't easy to admit this to her, but I did. So, now it's time for me to take the bull by the horns and get some answers. I'm still open too more comments or advice.

Chiming in here as I have PTSD. I am a changed person because I am in a trust filled relationship.

The way I see it, if you commit to a relationship that makes you feel unsafe, it will be a constant trigger for you and you will not have peace of mind.

Us trauma survivors need to be better at nurturing ourselves and utilize a vetting process when it comes to the matters of the heart..

Hang in there!

[Chuffnut 5]

Apologies if I missed this part, but may I ask how long you two have know each other? Were you able to visit her and if so, were you able to spend enough time with her?

When it comes to health and a couple, there are simply no secrets in my book. There is an unsaid oath between a couple, it is to be each other's best friends -- to keep one other safe and have each other's backs. Keeping something this important from your life partner is a deal breaker, at least for me.

True story -- my hubby is younger than I am, was raised in a very rigid society (India) and was very sheltered (due to the societal pressure) and I am a very shy person when it comes to sharing intimate stuff, yet, we bonded so tightly and so intensely that we were both able to overcome our uncomfortableness about certain topics one by one. We talk about everything and ask questions until there aren't any questions in our heads. I have told him things that I had never even told my ex-husband (of 20 years) or any of my girlfriends. Reason? Because I trust my husband, I feel safe with him and I am home with him (and vise versa).

We have each other's backs and no matter what, we would always be honest with one other. Neither of us would settle for a partner that would hold life changing things (like diseases) back. Ultimatums like, "don't ask me this again," would also never fly in our relationship.

Please take some time, find your stillness and listen to your gut. I often ask myself "why do I feel this way?" and mentally go through a check list of things. Once the dust settles, there is always a single answer staring me in the face. It is not easy to face it, but once you do, your life/path/mind becomes clearer.

My best to you...

P.S: Happy belated Veterans Day!

I'm sorry, I should've mentioned that I spent a week with her when we met in Malaysia, and I've been to Saigon 3 times in the last 5 months for a total of 30 days.

Thank you.

[Inikamoze 86]

It's been Ho Chi Minh City for quite a while now!

Listen to what your intuition is telling you... don't use this one reason as the e cause to end it all as I think it's a combination of factors that are making you rethink.

Ps one poster talks of letting everything be known in relationships even flatulence! I will have you know what I expel out of my posterior can only be described as smelling of roses ?... just thought you should all know!

[wheresmykoala 52]

For me personally, I need to have that open-ness in my relationship for things to work and for us to trust one another. When I'm with my fiancé, we can say anything without being uncomfortable, regardless of how embarrassing. If anything we overshare and might be too honest

This might not work for some couples, and that's alright. Your communication and open-ness should be at a level that you both are comfortable with, and right now it isn't. If her 'closed off' behavior is abnormal to you and normally she is quite open, it could be a pride issue or a touchy cultural topic. The fact that she threatened to break things off if you pursue the topic is what set red flags off for me. If it's not serious, why is it so hard to discuss? If she really cares about you, why is she threatening to end your relationship without at least telling you why she is opposed to sharing this information? It's really strange.

I believe that you have the right to know, since as a couple you should be comfortable enough to share even the most 'embarrassing' topics with one another, knowing you won't be judged. It's clear that this is really bothering you, so I would bring it up again and tell her this is important/means a lot to you and you would appreciate an answer. Now you also have to consider if you can trust her moving forward, and wonder if this situation will repeat itself in the future.

I'll be hoping that whatever you decide to do, you are happy with in the end. Best of luck!

[randomstairs 303]

Some minor matters can stay confidential even in otherwise secret-free relationship (like a phone number of an ex no longer in the picture). But no matter how minor the secret is, if it causes you anxiety, then it must be disclosed. It would've been unfair to you for her to not do so.

For all you know her condition might have been a minor yeast infection (very common but embarrassing STD to talk about) and it would be a shame if you broke up over such a trivial disease (most people are positive and it sometimes goes a bit out of control, especially in women, but it's very easy to treat). Talk to her about it again and see how far she wants to go with it. Tell her that it's not a problem if it's one of those minor conditions and that she should not feel embarrassed about it. Ask her about HIV and TB.

If you still get no answer then you've done all on your end and it's up to her to make the next move or it's over.

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

You all are awesome. I mean that sincerely. Too many times I've followed my heart while ignoring my gut feelings, and the results were bad. Regardless of the time, effort, and money, it's small fries compared to getting her over here and having things go sideways. I'm a 100% disabled vet with this and PTSD. It wasn't easy to admit this to her, but I did. So, now it's time for me to take the bull by the horns and get some answers. I'm still open too more comments or advice.

Following your gut is key. Never been married before here like yourself; but I have done the same as to following my heart over what my gut and head are telling me to do and has always ended badly.... If you two cannot openly communicate and resolve the issue, then you need to do what your gut is telling you...

Only other advice is, give it a little time to try and resolve this... Don't just immediately "pull the plug" tomorrow because the next day you may regret it... Give it a little time... If it doesn't feel right still, then stop the process before she gets there to you..

I do hope the best and hopefully you both can resolve these kind of issues.

[JE57 239]

I guess my advice would be a bit different... I find that Asian culture differs significantly from American culture. And these are vast generalizations so only you know if it applies to you or not...I have observed that while Americans seem to want to talk things out that Asian culture seems not to be that way. I think perhaps you may need to spend some time explaining gently and carefully why you care and re-assuring her that you love her no matter what skeletons she may have in her closet. You don't necessarily need to exhume those skeletons and you certainly don't want to cause her pain reliving past hurt or shame. You simply want to be sure that there is nothing in her past that is going to haunt the two of you going forward. Definitely you can explain about the TB test as she may not be aware of it. You also can let her know that you love her and that you want to make sure that she gets the best care possible. If she can't talk about past medical conditions cured or not then the next disagreement could well come when she gets to the USA and you suggest that perhaps she should have a Pap smear.. Naturally there are many logical reasons for her to do this but she could easily see this as an indication from you that you think there is reason for risk. I don't think this is a single conversation but I do think you need to reach an understanding that it's perfectly valid for some things in each of your pasts to be off limits but that secrets that could affect the course of your future need to be discussed without a feeling that if might cause fissures. Not sure how you asked her but asking if she has any diseases may have been interpreted as lack of trust on your part. Her saying don't ask me about this again may not have been a complete closure of that door but definately requires further communication. I'd say you may need more time to work on getting past these hurdles. Imagine how this would play out had she been in the USA and you tried to have this conversation and neither one of you can get the space to separate from the issue. I think this is a GREAT opportunity to practice how the two of you deal with a difficult issue. Good Luck to you!

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

I would wonder what else would be hidden from you in the future.

You can take the 'angle of compatibility' rather than demand an answer. Tell her that you respect her cultural perspective

for it to remain private but that 100% transparency and a good deal of compatibility is high on your list of what you

expect in a future spouse. Since she has chosen to not open up about it inform her of your choice to seek a

more compatible mate. This is a simply 5 minute consequence of her choice, no need to make an act of congress out of

it with arguing and pulling it out of her forcefully.

Tell her that and then give her a couple days to think about it and if she is not forthcoming then adios !

If she is, ask yourself if it is really the truth or watered down, can you trust her word ? She could have lied and said no, never

had an illness. I don't know her, you do, so that call is on you whether you would really get the whole story.
I also think that the lack of compatibility you feel in this arena could trigger your PTSD.
There will be other issues in the future.
She probably is worried that you will leave her if you knew the truth but what she is really doing is push you away if she doesn't

give you an answer. Make her understand that in a firm but kind manner.

Thanks for serving !

[KoffiAkua 1]

While I'd be as concerned about her past health as you are, what struck me is your motive of question. It wasn't until you read other stories on the blogs that caused you to be concerned and as you stated "freaking out". So I wonder how you approached her about it. Yes, I'd be concerned about her past health and if it's something that has the potential to affect you. Another question is, what if it is something that can affect you? Will that affect your decision in being with her? If so, then how? I'm also concerned that she would easily break off a loving relationship because of questions you've asked. Are the two of you truly in love? But most importantly is paying attention to all the red flags, not ingnoring anything questionable and not taking chances on anything that you KNOW would be a major issue or deal breaker down the line. It sounds as if both of you have personal soul searching to do and if truly that's the case, then maybe neither of you are ready. Because when two people are ready everything is on the table and anything questionable is always open.

Good luck to you??