Honest opinions needed...

[Chuffnut 5]

Hello,

Long time lurker. Actually created account in 2004 when doing a K1 for a Russian fiance, but once she had visa in hand, she decided to get back with her ex in Russia.

I'm currently engaged to a woman from Vietnam(Saigon), our interview is next month, but I'm starting to second guess whether I'm doing the right thing. Yesterday, I was on here reading about the medical exams, and the delays if there is a Sputum test required. Got me to thinking that I never really asked about her past as far as sickness or disease. Last night, I asked if she has ever had a sickness. She said 'yes', but refused to tell me what it was. Even to the point of breaking it off if I asked her again. I'm kind of freaking out, because my entire life, I've been told that there should never be any secrets in a relationship, but how much of that is culture? Is it normal for Vietnamese to keep a secret like that, or is it a red flag? I'm certainly no angel, I'm 49, 3 times divorced, 4 children, and 5 grandchildren, but I've been 100% honest with her, including the details of an affair I had when married to second wife. Is it unfair to expect the same from her? Am I overthinking it? 10 years ago, I would've said screw it, I can't deal with it, but now, I'm really trying to look at as much of the picture as I can, and take into account the culture differences. I'm afraid to even bring the subject up again with her.

I'm open to any advice or opinions, no matter how brutal.

Thank you for reading

If this is wrong forum, I apologize.

Also, I sent in i-129f on 7/25/2016, and interview is 12/13/2016. So far it has been smooth sailing...as far as the visa is concerned.

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

I can't speak for Vietnamese; but it could be a self pride type of thing. The fact she said she had "had a sickness" previously to you but won't say what is a little confusing..

I know that if I asked my partner he would tell me and be open about it. because like you said you should always be open and honest in a relationship, and really you should feel you have the ability to be open and honest without an judgement or what not.

Hopefully some other people who know much more specifics on the Vietnamese culture could chime in.

But also, I think a lot of people (myself included) tends to get more stressed towards the end of the process. It should be a time of relief; but think generally it causes you to start over-analyzing everything.

[Unlockable 7,314]

You two aren't aligned. At this point in your life you want someone to be on the same page as you. Not one person being an open book while the other is a closed one.

I don't know about you but any threat to my family, life, or health is a deal breaker. I would be sceptical as well.

If she is refusing to understand how important discussions about health is and is shutting it down. Then some serious decisions need to be made by you.

This is just my opinion.

[slimbolina 48]

Maybe a previous STD she's embarrassed about? Something may or may not come up in her medical, who knows, only she does.

[JimJesDuma 472]

Hello,

Long time lurker. Actually created account in 2004 when doing a K1 for a Russian fiance, but once she had visa in hand, she decided to get back with her ex in Russia.

I'm currently engaged to a woman from Vietnam(Saigon), our interview is next month, but I'm starting to second guess whether I'm doing the right thing. Yesterday, I was on here reading about the medical exams, and the delays if there is a Sputum test required. Got me to thinking that I never really asked about her past as far as sickness or disease. Last night, I asked if she has ever had a sickness. She said 'yes', but refused to tell me what it was. Even to the point of breaking it off if I asked her again. I'm kind of freaking out, because my entire life, I've been told that there should never be any secrets in a relationship, but how much of that is culture? Is it normal for Vietnamese to keep a secret like that, or is it a red flag? I'm certainly no angel, I'm 49, 3 times divorced, 4 children, and 5 grandchildren, but I've been 100% honest with her, including the details of an affair I had when married to second wife. Is it unfair to expect the same from her? Am I overthinking it? 10 years ago, I would've said screw it, I can't deal with it, but now, I'm really trying to look at as much of the picture as I can, and take into account the culture differences. I'm afraid to even bring the subject up again with her.

I'm open to any advice or opinions, no matter how brutal.

Thank you for reading

If this is wrong forum, I apologize.

Also, I sent in i-129f on 7/25/2016, and interview is 12/13/2016. So far it has been smooth sailing...as far as the visa is concerned.

You need to find out if she has or had any contagious diseases. ie. STDs.

End of Story.

Ask her specifically about TB.

The US medical staff will find out one way or another.

Jim

[millefleur 5,046]

Seeing as how the medical and health history/check ups are a large part of the immigration process, it only seems fair for her to share the information with you as well. I think it's totally reasonable for you to feel entitled to know.

[Chuffnut 5]

Thank you all. All of you have excellent points. I shouldn't be afraid to bring it up, but I think that i have to for my own peace of mind, and possible safety. If her response is anything like it was last night, then I reckon this time tomorrow, I'll be cancelling flights, cancelling interview, and crying like a baby. Her past is questionable, so I'm leaning toward it having been a STD of some sort. She says she's cured and no longer sick and to not talk about it again. I understand it possibly being a self-pride thing, but in my opinion, the trust and honesty should trump that. Sorry for rambling. I'm nervous.

[frontgear 194]

You were married 3 times so I am sure you can read a woman.

Trust your instinct and that is all I can tell you.

[soulstriker 274]

confront her , theres no way in this stage of the process going this far , she should be hiding things with so many things at stake , def a red flag

[IslandQueen 45]

I think it's a taste of what is to come. Have you thought of what else she could be hiding?

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

Since medical care is so expensive here, i asked my husband to be for a medical exam before i promised to marry as TB is very widespread in Morocco

not strange to ask but may be a personal female issue and embarrassing in that culture

tell her a medical is required and you need to make sure she can pass and in the US women keep nothing back / and you feel it is important for her to accept our culture as you will have to know and accept hers

compromise

hope this helps

[mallafri76 1,012]

People are different and some people are ok with secrets in a relationship and others want full disclosure. For any relationship to work though, you're gonna want to be on the same page and have similar relationship parameters and goals for the future. If you want total honesty and she wants to keep some things private from you, you need to figure out if that works for you or if it's a deal break.

[Jawaree 717]

i believe there should be no secrets when the choice is made to be life-time partners,

no I dont want to ask every small details of my mates past as that too is a sign of insecurities

& no trust, I will not ask about previous partners after all its likely s/he is not a virgin

but we should never have meaningful secrets like health, crimes or crazy ex/s hidden

regardless of culture.

A partner will see you butt naked, smell your fart etc, its goes with marriage so to hide

things & the thought of leaving the relationship says the person is not genuine, this do

take some time in knowing a person, how much time have you all spent together & do you

just talk about the safe nice stuff & immigration?

Ask again, tell her whats expected in the relationship & insist on knowing what it was/is she

has, from that make up your mind do you want to bring someone in thats not 100% & walks too

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Gotta love people who want to marry yet have secrets.

Pick one is what id say....its a red flag....she seems to not trust you...

[Chuffnut 5]

You all are awesome. I mean that sincerely. Too many times I've followed my heart while ignoring my gut feelings, and the results were bad. Regardless of the time, effort, and money, it's small fries compared to getting her over here and having things go sideways. I'm a 100% disabled vet with this and PTSD. It wasn't easy to admit this to her, but I did. So, now it's time for me to take the bull by the horns and get some answers. I'm still open too more comments or advice.