Need help--physical violence

[Caykay1 71]

It's a cultural thing. My husband does it when I'm upset. They mostly try to hug you to soften you up and sometimes kiss you to show they're sorry. At least that's what we know. It's a way to tell you to call down

let me add, it's not an aggressive hug or kiss.

[belinda63 3,041]

Just reading this got my PTSD acting up. He is "hugging and kissing" you as a way to control you but if the police are called that is exactly what he will tell them. You hit him and bit him for hugging and kissing you. Who do you think the police are going to arrest. My ex would throw me on the floor and bang my head on the floor but tell the police he was just restraining me for my own safety. I was carrying my 1 week old daughter when he shoved me and I fell, almost landing on her. He immediately began yelling "go ahead throw the baby" as a way to cover for his act of violence. If I didn't want to participate in whatever type of sex he wanted he would call me a prude, tell me the light came on when I spread my legs, and just humiliate me.

If you still love him obtain counseling. Otherwise it is time to divorce.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

so call 911

while this may sound like obvious advice, in situations of DV it can also be quite dangerous. before calling 911 a victim shouldbe in a safe space. 911 won't protect from a swinging fist.

[Mary Lou 681]

It's a cultural thing. My husband does it when I'm upset. They mostly try to hug you to soften you up and sometimes kiss you to show they're sorry. At least that's what we know. It's a way to tell you to call down

I wouldn't exactly say it's cultural,maybe in your husbands country. What i read is physical abuse towards the OP.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

I wouldn't exactly say it's cultural,maybe in your husbands country. What i read is physical abuse towards the OP.

ANY unwanted touch can be deemed abusive.

[Mary Lou 681]

ANY unwanted touch can be deemed abusive.

I totally agree, previous poster indicated it's cultural, maybe that's what her husband has told her for his country. IMO just an excuse to abuse

[Inikamoze 86]

Yes call 911 as you will both end up in court, you for physical violence / battery as you admit punching him in the face and according to others here him hugging send kissing you (basically restraining you) will be viewed as kidnap and sexual assault.

Now if you spoke to victims of crime on the street who face similar acts on a far greater scale of pain and abuse then my sympathy lies more with them than with what I would call in this pc day and age "trumped up charges"

Not to belittle what you are going through but seriously kidnap? Assault? Battery?

You both want to be looking at facing double digit years behind bars (if such charges were to ever stick) or try and behave in a manner that brings a best case scenario resolution for all concerned. Talk it through like the adults you are before anything truly gets out of hand, you have a little one to think of.

If you really do genuinely fear for your safety then you have to take the appropriate action period, to save yourself from harm or your child having to go through this as well as protecting your partner from himself before he does anything dumb that he then spends the rest of his life regretting.

Edited November 20, 2016 by Inikamoze

[wheresmykoala 52]

Do not blame yourself for your husbands actions. Cultural difference or not, he should respect and listen to you when you say to let go, not be touched, etc. Regardless of how many times you've asked him to stop in the past, he doesn't, which shows he is not willing to change to make sure you feel safe.

Abusers rely on manipulation to make their actions appear as if they are the victims fault. When things are good, you'll be a normal, happy couple, but when things get bad, you will be mentally, emotionally, or physically abused. They'll reduce your confidence to the point that you believe you are worthless and that this is all you'll ever have since no one else will want you...it's really messed up, but I know how saying "leave him" can be useless, because there's a lot of psychological warfare going on.

In the end, it is up to you and how you feel in this situation. If you want to stay with him, I can only suggest counseling or therapy to make things better, because talking to him about changing how he behaves when you argue is not working. If you believe that you and your child's lives are at risk, file for divorce as soon as you can.

[randomstairs 309]

That's a clear cut sexual offense and a high level felony in every State. Forceful kissing is a form of sexual assault and you should report him to the police ASAP. No counseling, no second thoughts. If what you wrote is true, he is a sexual predator and needs to be stopped. If you told him to stop, that's a clear cut withdrawal of consent. Report him before his tongue heals as evidence will be needed for criminal prosecution. Do not let this one slide. He can do that to other women/children.

[Sandra G. 5,057]

CayKAy1 It might be a cultural thing in Ghana,I doubt,but not here, we call abuse.Pleased set the bar high and do not excuse this kind of behavior, it's disgusting to say the least.

[Ontarkie 14,378]

~~2 Post removed for ignoring 2 mod warnings. Stick to answering the OP's questions or do not post. There will be no more warnings.~~

[Ortolan 381]

You need to sit with him and calmly explain to him that you feel extremely threatened when he touches you like that.

Do it when you're both calm, and not angry with each other. And explain that the next time you feel that way, you're going to call the police and then file a restraining order.

And do not back down. Next time he does it, call the police immediately.

[Inikamoze 86]

Putting aside the specific situation here it should be noted that every physical contact with a woman should not be construed as sexual in nature (calm your jets before you go on about forceful kissing is...)

I said already that women as well as men need to be very careful when they start adding labels to individuals with hysterical (not in the funny sense) statements such as "predator". Truly understand what that is as well as putting into context with what was described here compared to a woman being dragged off the street into a dark alley and assaulted. There is a world of difference and you do a disservice to those who suffer at the hands of disgusting predators.

This doesn't mean people don't have hurt feelings from what spouses do but put it into context! There would be a huge record of spouses having the police called on them if after an arguement that one spouse tries to make up with their partner by trying to kiss them and it being waved off as one person might not be ready to forgive just yet... that sexual assault too as it's an uwanted advance?

As you can guess I think people have gone overboard with this case. Hopefully OP can figure this out and also understand that physical violence isn't the answer either.

[Inikamoze 86]

while this may sound like obvious advice, in situations of DV it can also be quite dangerous. before calling 911 a victim shouldbe in a safe space. 911 won't protect from a swinging fist.

In this case the swinging fist has come directly from the OP. maybe some counselling is in order? Him to understand that culturally he should keep his hands to himself at all times until he has express permission that it's ok to approach (can't misconstrue any action that way or hide behind 'well it's ok in my country"). For you to try other avenues other than fisticuffs if the situation isn't dangerous.

It will however spoil any spontanaeity of affection between you two if your relationship recovers but at least you have set the boundaries.

[Villanelle 4,122]

Putting aside the specific situation here it should be noted that every physical contact with a woman should not be construed as sexual in nature (calm your jets before you go on about forceful kissing is...)

I said already that women as well as men need to be very careful when they start adding labels to individuals with hysterical (not in the funny sense) statements such as "predator". Truly understand what that is as well as putting into context with what was described here compared to a woman being dragged off the street into a dark alley and assaulted. There is a world of difference and you do a disservice to those who suffer at the hands of disgusting predators.

This doesn't mean people don't have hurt feelings from what spouses do but put it into context! There would be a huge record of spouses having the police called on them if after an arguement that one spouse tries to make up with their partner by trying to kiss them and it being waved off as one person might not be ready to forgive just yet... that sexual assault too as it's an uwanted advance?

As you can guess I think people have gone overboard with this case. Hopefully OP can figure this out and also understand that physical violence isn't the answer either.

In this case the swinging fist has come directly from the OP. maybe some counselling is in order? Him to understand that culturally he should keep his hands to himself at all times until he has express permission that it's ok to approach (can't misconstrue any action that way or hide behind 'well it's ok in my country"). For you to try other avenues other than fisticuffs if the situation isn't dangerous.

It will however spoil any spontanaeity of affection between you two if your relationship recovers but at least you have set the boundaries.

Okay number one- Why would we put aside the specific situation here? To have an off topic discussion? Um lets not okay. So back to the subject-

You think people have gone overboard with this case. Thats fine. Thats your opinion.

The OP has reported the following "him blocking me in the room and forcefully trying to "hug and kiss" me. It's disturbing and scary. I ask him over and over not to touch me, let me go, etc. and he doesn't stop. ...The "hugs" are basically him restraining me from leaving the room. He's much bigger than me and uses that as a method from preventing me from leaving the room. The "kisses" often involve him grabbing my head. It's aggressive.My only option would be to let him grab me and push me around. When he's done, then I could leave the room. I have tried to explaining that to him--that's it's actually assault if he won't let me go. I've told him explicitly he is hurting me when he so aggressive. Sometimes he grabs and "hugs" me so tightly it's hard to breath."

If you read and interpret any of the above as simple unwanted advances or spontaneous affection or any other form of acceptable communication between individuals then your views do NOT match with the definition of acceptable conduct and what is abuse according to US law. So believe its acceptable if youd like. You can believe what you want. A court will disagree.

Furthermore she has the right to protect herself, so her punching him or biting him is perfectly acceptable. This is not a situation of mutual abuse nor a situation where she assaulted him unprovoked. The only thing we do agree on is that counseling is in order for HER as she is a VICTIM of domestic abuse and needs help.