Considering divorce

[mrx3214 4]

He doesn't really know what he wants. I think that he is very immature because today he wants this tomorrow he wants something else, he is not able to stick to one goal...we've had many discussions about this. He has postponed graduation, working minimum wage job... I agree with you that if we are working towards the same goals, it's okay to be at different pace. I think we are just becoming too different, eg. I always want to be the best in school and at work and he is like whatever no rush as long as I have a roof over my head... not that there is anything wrong with it, I guess just really different values.

It's true...I work 8-5 monday through friday and I'm also taking night classes towards my master's degree. He works in retail so he is busy on the weekends. We have limited time to spend together

I can relate little with him. I've had the same issues with school. But I've always been an extremely hard worker all my life. But I knew in order to work smarter not harder. Education was a must... Most important thing I've learned was no one can help me except myself. I wanted to not only better myself for me. Also, Wanted to better myself for my wife.

But I don't really care about my grades as long as I pass the class. From speaking to my friends about this topic it seemed like girls care more about their studies than men do. What has me worried in your case. Is he doesn't have any goals. I believe everyone should have at least one goal. Also, He turns me off because he doesn't like a hard worker. It would be different if he said "I'm never going to school, Because I hate it" But I'm going to work hard and learn in other ways. Anyway, Sounds like you guys are young. Life is to short do what will make you happy in the long run.

[Katherine93 30]

I can relate little with him. I've had the same issues with school. But I've always been an extremely hard worker all my life. But I knew in order to work smarter not harder. Education was a must... Most important thing I've learned was no one can help me except myself. I wanted to not only better myself for me. Also, Wanted to better myself for my wife.

But I don't really care about my grades as long as I pass the class. From speaking to my friends about this topic it seemed like girls care more about their studies than men do. What has me worried in your case. Is he doesn't have any goals. I believe everyone should have at least one goal. Also, He turns me off because he doesn't like a hard worker. It would be different if he said "I'm never going to school, Because I hate it" But I'm going to work hard and learn in other ways. Anyway, Sounds like you guys are young. Life is to short do what will make you happy in the long run.

Yes. I even told him that if he is truly passionate about his hobbies (i.e. cars, photography, DJing), I would support him unconditionally if he chooses to pursue it full time. He'd rather do 5 things at the same time instead of focusing on 1 or 2. And he has no idea what he is doing it for - some for fun, some for fast money. I have no idea where his life is heading. I ask him what is his long-term goal. He says "to graduate and find a job". But how? he doesn't have a plan and he is not putting enough effort. I mean nobody really knows what they wanted at the very beginning, but you try and figure it out. What's more disappointing is that whenever I try to give him advice on school, he never takes me seriously. It's exhausting. I can't help someone who doesn't want my help.

[Tahoma 2,292]

It hurts knowing the person closest to you endorses that kind of behavior...

That attitude would be a deal breaker for me. I rank it right up there with drug addiction and alcoholism.

Look at the bright side: it didn't take ten wasted years of marriage to realize that you have outgrown the guy.

[Katherine93 30]

That attitude would be a deal breaker for me. I rank it right up there with drug addiction and alcoholism.

Look at the bright side: it didn't take ten wasted years of marriage to realize that you have outgrown the guy.

Yes I'm glad that I won't be wasting any more of my time with him....

I just accidentally saw the message between him and his dad.

He sent a GIF meme of Trump moving in the white house and the first thing he does is to throw out a black person. His dad laughed and asked how I'm holding up. He said "I think she is dying....LITERALLY. That dumbass acts like it's the end of the world or something because we got a strong white president again"

Guys, I'm beyond pissed right now. Really wish I could kick him out of the apartment tonight.

[chrisete 55]

Exactly. I know he does love me and care about me but I now start to realize that deep down he lacks respect and thinks women and minorities are inferior. Knowing his family and friends who act the exact same way and way worse, I know that's how he was raised and it's hard for me to change who he is. I'm just sort of overwhelmed with disappointment. I don't want to get political but this election truly has brought the worst out of some people. It hurts knowing the person closest to you endorses that kind of behavior...

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. I have had a couple of 'oh no' moments on this journey too with this election. I'm in the bible belt and am proud to be a Christian until last Sunday. A visiting preacher said to the congregation, 'this country is not for everyone, it is only for Christians' like the people who came here first. I nearly fell off the pew. I'm from Toronto, we celebrate minorities cause heck we all are one or have at least one parent who is. I also work in HR. I was stunned. As a Christian, I was horrified.

Then Tuesday happened and I felt just sad although I understand it. People here are crushed under Obama Care and have largely low paying jobs. They are hurting and it is helping me to understand what happened because they saw no other way out. I feel like I'm watching reality TV. My husband is helping me through this though although we have very different educational backgrounds (me with masters, him with high school) and very different opinions on the roles of women vs. men... ah yes, let's talk pay equity and compensable factors when you've got a moment. But, we talk it through and it just seems to come together. We have different life experiences and world views or as the country song goes: I'm from the country, she's from the city. But I don't feel as much like going back to Canada as I did 3 nights ago but I did think: how can I live with people like this?

Then I talk to him and tell him how I feel. He changes his tone and realizes that I think he thinks all of this is OK and confesses, it is not OK. I got the nerve to talk to my neighbours and they state, its not OK. Seems like people have been so beaten down that they 'learn' to talk that way and make up excuses as to why its OK. Someone said, cognitive dissonance. Truer words could not be said. We are older though and have known each other for over 20 years. 20 years ago I don't think we could have made it. Keep your head up and grades up. (I am white although all the Chinese at work tell me I'm actually Chinese in the way I think, work, and interview any boyfriend/girlfriend unfortunate enough to meet me while picking them up after work, and it makes me very proud for them to say that).

Let him know it hurts you when you hear this sort of thing. I did and am so very glad for it. I feel much better and hope you do soon too but I confess, I have some lingering anxiety about it all.

[chrisete 55]

Yes I'm glad that I won't be wasting any more of my time with him....

I just accidentally saw the message between him and his dad.

He sent a GIF meme of Trump moving in the white house and the first thing he does is to throw out a black person. His dad laughed and asked how I'm holding up. He said "I think she is dying....LITERALLY. That dumbass acts like it's the end of the world or something because we got a strong white president again"

Guys, I'm beyond pissed right now. Really wish I could kick him out of the apartment tonight.

Oh no....ignore my last message. There are so many things wrong with what just happened...I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Katherine93 30]

Oh no....ignore my last message. There are so many things wrong with what just happened...I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I cannot believe it. I always knew that he supported the other side but I tried to tolerate our differences, avoid conflict and get along. It already hurts enough not being able to have support from my significant other, he just destroyed the last bit of hope I had in this marriage.

[chrisete 55]

I cannot believe it. I always knew that he supported the other side but I tried to tolerate our differences, avoid conflict and get along. It already hurts enough not being able to have support from my significant other, he just destroyed the last bit of hope I had in this marriage.

I wish I had something uplifting to say....but I do not. i feel for you and you deserve better. Don't settle for this but sleep on it. Talk to him in the morning when you are not angry and hurt. Hugs.

[Katherine93 30]

I wish I had something uplifting to say....but I do not. i feel for you and you deserve better. Don't settle for this but sleep on it. Talk to him in the morning when you are not angry and hurt. Hugs.

Thank you for the support

[chrisete 55]

Thank you for the support

I'll check in on you in the morning....pm me if you want to 'talk'. I'm here with you...

[DeesGirl 13]

I think your concerns are 100% valid and an unmotivated man, as well is a bigot is a HUGE turn off for me. HOWEVER, Its not a good look on you to wait until a few months before being granted a green card to make this decision. I understand that sometimes people stick it out with hopes that the person will change...but the truth is most people don't....and racism doesn't just show up because Trump is president.

With that being said...I still don't think you deserve to be part of such an awful family who spews hate about muslims, immigrants and minorities. There no therapy out there for hate.

[Emma&Jerry 2]

Hi, I'm new in this forum and not very knowledgeable but I hope OP gets her answer as to her question about her AOS status and possible divorce. The thread seems more skewed towards asking about her relationship and giving her relationship advice instead of answering her technical question, although it's good to see OP is getting support and good opinions about this.

My 2 cents (relationship-wise, sorry OP!):-

Previously, I was in a relationship for 8 years (local relationship, not related to anything cross borders), we both were young when the relationship started so yes, it comes as a shock when one day, 8 years later, it seems like you wake up and realize ####### am I doing with this person. It took me a while but I realize my significant other at that time had no plans, weak ambitions with no real actions taken, likes to blame the circumstances instead of working out ways to improve things. I tried to work it out too, because lord knows everybody has their down moments right? But after a while I realize this person is not going to change. What's worse, when I try to make plans to improve my life (get an advanced degree, change jobs etc) I would always be blamed for "trying to leave". So it was hard, but you gotta realize when the lump has turned into cancer (figuratively) and you gotta cut it off.

I hope you get support and love, it's going to be tough especially in light of your AOS and other matters. Good luck!

[TBoneTX 45,288]

1. We have plenty of evidence showing joint residence over the past couple years, joint tax returns, joint car insurance, joint pet ownership, tons of photos with family friends etc. It is a legitimate marriage

2. I tried looking up old posts about divorce waiver but could not find any similar situations. Can someone give some advice on whether it would be risky to get divorced a few months after receiving conditional green card, despite having been married for probably over 2 years at the time?

1. This is what's important.

2. You can remove conditions on your own. There are threads on the topic. Page through this forum and the ROC forum.

Good luck.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Move on girly you are a strong inteligent woman. There are things that cannot be fixed.

Yes I'm glad that I won't be wasting any more of my time with him....

I just accidentally saw the message between him and his dad.

He sent a GIF meme of Trump moving in the white house and the first thing he does is to throw out a black person. His dad laughed and asked how I'm holding up. He said "I think she is dying....LITERALLY. That dumbass acts like it's the end of the world or something because we got a strong white president again"

Guys, I'm beyond pissed right now. Really wish I could kick him out of the apartment tonight.

[hateadminforms 19]

Yes I'm glad that I won't be wasting any more of my time with him....

I just accidentally saw the message between him and his dad.

He sent a GIF meme of Trump moving in the white house and the first thing he does is to throw out a black person. His dad laughed and asked how I'm holding up. He said "I think she is dying....LITERALLY. That dumbass acts like it's the end of the world or something because we got a strong white president again"

Guys, I'm beyond pissed right now. Really wish I could kick him out of the apartment tonight.

Here a clash of cultures and having sat in the middle of a "family storm" and I mean storm as we are not all white in our extended 30 or so family, I think the "honeymoon" of this relationship has ended. Not all are speaking, friended or active now on Facebook it got that bad during the election!

Yet, a future wedding, funeral or visit as "one passes by" we meet again.

From all I have read here, there is a mis-match of expectations, finance (you kicking him out of your apartment), maturity (some men never grow up especially when with old friends) and some pressure as directions are mis-aligned.

Having been through a divorce a number of years back, yet retaining and deliberately so a good relationship with my ex even today, I know how important it is to keep open the communication channels, talk, leave leaflets or articles around to be read without asking for them to be picked up and to give space.

Why?

It works and I would have been far less picky, controlling and aggressive saying things I should not have ( since apologised for). Change can take years - Mary Berry the celebrity cook on a recent show:

In the War (WW2) we all gave up sugar to have a pudding on Saturdays, since then I have never had sugar in my drinks, yet after 45 years of marriage, I have tried to get him to give up without any luck! So when my husband makes me a cup of tea he always asks me "do you want sugar?" ............. How come he has not learnt yet I do not know !!!!

So even a really happy marriage has a few problems the years cannot fix !!