Marriage in jeopardy

[Faithfully03 2]

The guy doesn't even own a house and he is buying Iphone 6 to his child, Macbook Pro to his child, well I am with you on this one. There is a line and your husband is crossing, hands down.You are his family too and he should be responsible enough to save money to buy a house, every penny counts.

His ex-wife should not have her opinion where your husband should live,period. If you and your husband decide together to buy a house one,two hours away from her home I don't think his ex-wife should have her opinion in this matter. One or two hours away is not a big deal.

The silent treatment (Tampo) is wrong.Communication is the key, shutting down for days is not a smart thing to do, it's childish. I know this is common in your Country but I can't see how shutting down can solve a problem.

Yes I get it, I know its not good to shut down but husband won't listen and I can't keep arguing so I have to stop talking to make him stop. He thinks that I am trying to win a conversation and he is trying to win the conversation too. The kid is already going to the school that they fought for in the court and ex wife is staying and renting in that area. So husband is trying to talk her in to buying property to where we saw one and she did not agree.

He bought a house shortly after we got married, my name is not in the loan though because he said I did not have credit history and basically cannot be on the loan back then. That house we were renting it out because husband did not like the area where it was and far from the school district his son goes to, therefore we had to rent a condo around the school district because that is whAt the court order said. Should be 10miles in the school district.

[Faithfully03 2]

Sounds like couples/family counseling might be a good idea.

Yes and I finally had him agree. Im thankful for it! Because I do not know what else to do. I tried to tell him to do this about 2 years ago after he had asked me to sign a divorce paper. But he said that they don't help and cost money. Recent fight he told me our marriage is perfect that it is just all in my head. And also told me that I should seek for help because I have a problem.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

He should not swear at you in a fight. You should not shut down. There is no winner in fighting, only compromise.

Sounds like you guys need to learn to argue productively.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Im not sure about he not treating your daughter and step son equally because you are the one who made that decision.

I hope you are not making your daughter feel like her dad loves her any less. Have a talk with your husband.

By all indication from your post, you seem to be someone who shuts down when someone doesn't let you talk by talking over you or making your argument seem pointless. That is not a bad thing..Lots of people are like that.

But for people who are argumentative or just like to debate a point until you give up, you have STAND UP make your point clear, firm and get you some ice cream.

You would be very surprised how receptive your husband will be when you change your approach of talking to him.

Tell him how you feel. How you are been treated like an outsider. As for your step-son, you will have to be cautious and not make it seem like you are doing so out of jealousy.

You are part of the household and you two are a team, and you should have a say in where the money goes.

Shutting down, hiding and mopping around will get you no respect. You are a strong woman and you have to your presence be known.

good luck to you!

[Faithfully03 2]

Im not sure about he not treating your daughter and step son equally because you are the one who made that decision.

I hope you are not making your daughter feel like her dad loves her any less. Have a talk with your husband.

By all indication from your post, you seem to be someone who shuts down when someone doesn't let you talk by talking over you or making your argument seem pointless. That is not a bad thing..Lots of people are like that.

But for people who are argumentative or just like to debate a point until you give up, you have STAND UP make your point clear, firm and get you some ice cream.

You would be very surprised how receptive your husband will be when you change your approach of talking to him.

Tell him how you feel. How you are been treated like an outsider. As for your step-son, you will have to be cautious and not make it seem like you are doing so out of jealousy.

You are part of the household and you two are a team, and you should have a say in where the money goes.

Shutting down, hiding and mopping around will get you no respect. You are a strong woman and you have to your presence be known.

good luck to you!

I am not complaining about how my daughter is treated. I am just trying to say that I am not a parent that just believe of raising a kid to have everything when it is not necessary. I do not make my daughter feel loved less from her dad. If anything I tell her go ask dad if its ok, tell dad thank you or this and that. When my husband and I argue I tell my daughter We love her and everything will be ok. But my husband thinks and told me I am manipulating her. He told my daughter that she should not listen to me because its "bull #######". I had left a house to cool off that one day for an hour because again my husband was talking,raising his voice and cussing while the kids was in the living room. I told my daughter to come with me because I did not want my husband to say that I am going somewhere and just left my child to him. As when we fight he takes his son w him when he goes out after an argument. And no I do not try to let my stepson feel Im jealous. (Just at least for me)I try to protect myself for him not to see my negativity that is why it is hard for me to decipline him because I know he has his bio mom and I do not try to act like his biological mom.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

I am not complaining about how my daughter is treated. I am just trying to say that I am not a parent that just believe of raising a kid to have everything when it is not necessary. I do not make my daughter feel loved less from her dad. If anything I tell her go ask dad if its ok, tell dad thank you or this and that. When my husband and I argue I tell my daughter We love her and everything will be ok. But my husband thinks and told me I am manipulating her. He told my daughter that she should not listen to me because its "bull #######". I had left a house to cool off that one day for an hour because again my husband was talking,raising his voice and cussing while the kids was in the living room. I told my daughter to come with me because I did not want my husband to say that I am going somewhere and just left my child to him. As when we fight he takes his son w him when he goes out after an argument. And no I do not try to let my stepson feel Im jealous. (Just at least for me)I try to protect myself for him not to see my negativity that is why it is hard for me to decipline him because I know he has his bio mom and I do not try to act like his biological mom.

Your husband is definitely not respecting you. Try counseling. I hope he will go to counseling with you. At least he will be made to listen to your concerns and you won't feel unheard.

You don't want your child to be brought up in such an environment. She is watching you give up your power and she is watching you accept this horrible treatment from your husband and it will become her reality.

If not for yourself, for the sake of your children, stand up for yourself.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I concur with all the counseling advice given in this thread, and glad to see you and your husband are starting. Like you, my wife would shut down during arguments and it really frustrated me. Counseling has helped us with all of our communications.

[JenniferNangel 137]

Can someone explain "Tampo" to me please

Good that your going to marriage therapy.

At for the iPhone issue welcome to America when the whole world stops when the new iPhone gets released and a perfectly good phone gets replaced with a brand new upgraded model lol. Be glad your step son isn't a sneaker head as well, you don't want to know what people spend on Jordan's ????

[Unlockable 7,315]

Tampo = The silent treatment on steroids.

[RobertM54 36]

This sounds more like different views on money as much as different views on parenting.

Can you sort out the money issues from the parenting issues? Do you two have fundamentally different views on parenting?

[POA 178]

I came here in the US through k1 with the intention of a faithful marriage. This is my first marriage and husband's 2nd marriage. We have been married for almost 5 years but there was always an argument along the way. I do understand or atleast try to understand that he had an ugly marriage and divorced with his ex wife and they had a child together. I was never married but got pregnant while I was in high school and my ex boyfriend or the father of my child was never in the picture and I have no communication with him.

Part of the problem was for sure the culture and communication. Where I feel my husband don't hear me. And I feel like his previous marriage is tag along with our marriage which makes it so hard. A lot of our decision with my husband son involved we have to have his ex wife approval that I am the wife I feel like he will listen more to her than me. My husband and his ex, I see that they are trying to win the "best parent" award and fighting back and forth and jus won't forgive to each other. My husband will buy stuff to his son such as iPhone 6 after it later came out when his son already has an iPhone that was working just fine (kid was only 9 years old) then later on husband bought him a macbook laptop even though his son already have an expensive computer that he did not even discuss with me or get an approval from me if its Ok to spend money with that such. There is also some other things that he bought and I was not informed or aware about. In the Philippines or at least as a parent I feel like we should teach our kids to work for what they want. Make chores, get things for them, reward them every now and then but not necessary to buy an expensive gadgets. I did discussed things with my husband but it just feels like that If I say something about his son he defends him and we end up arguing and fighting. I will be the first one to end the conversation because it is obviously not going anywhere. I will shut down and won't talk for couple days because I am hurt and offended of what my husband tell me. He just told me recently that if it wasn't for him I will be living in the street. That I am very controlling person. When I think I am just wanting him to have a "share" decision making because we are married. He wants to discuss stuff right away and I will shut down when we fight because our conversation just don't go anywhere and he will discuss it even if the kids are around which I think is not a good influence because fighting in front of them is not valid at all.

I am not out here to get sympathy but I would like to hear some people experience and how do they adjust or if there is any rules in the household. Or how to deal with the blended family.

If after trying to discuss these with your husband calmly and still doesn't go anywhere, you might want to suggest marriage counselling and if that still does not work, your choices might just be to take it or leave it. My husband and I do not have previous marriages nor kids but we discussed pretty much everything before we even got serious including, who will manage the money, how do we decide in spending even as little as $10, what would be his and my chores, etc.. This is to make sure that expectations are already set so when I moved here, I already know what to expect.

All you can do is try explain it again or maybe ask him how would he react if you do the same thing for you kid? Will he want you to talk to him about it first or you can just go ahead and do it?

[FOSSLGRL 63]

It sounds to me like he does not hold a great amount of respect for you.

I know exactly how it can be frustrating, seeing your husband essentially throwing money away on his children, and then becoming defensive when you question it.

It's not fair to you and it's not right. Obviously he must love his children and spend time with them, but wasting money on useless gadgets and wasting time bickering with the ex is completely childish and unnecessary.

Your husband should also be on your side instead of making you feel like an outsider. This is a problem that I had in two of my long term (3+ year) relationships before my fiance. I seem to always find men who have children lol. After my last boyfriend, I told myself I would never date a man with kids ever again. But here I am, though the situation is good because we are both on the same page and his ex isn't a psycho.

Anyways... my first boyfriend of 3 years, he was always wasting money. Not just on his kids, but on eating out, giving money to his friends etc. and I always hated it because we would always end up struggling to pay our bills. He would spoil his kids and let his kids stay up until ungodly hours, just because he wanted to be the "cool parent" ... which I hated especially because it meant we didn't have our alone time at night. So I would be upset at 1am when his 10 and 12 year old were up listening to loud music... and if I asked him to put them to bed he would just roll his eyes at me, and his kids would pretty much do the same thing. And this was a regular occurrence because he had full custody. I couldn't take the lack of respect anymore and I left him... he did not want me to leave but I told him I wasn't his toy, and that I deserve better.

Within a few months, I ended up moving in with another guy with kids. I bonded very well with his children. He too had full custody, the mom left him to be with another guy, and she was always off getting drunk, doing drugs or whatever the heck she was doing... she also ditched the children regularly on their visitation days and her children would cry themselves to sleep quite regularly due to her behavior. Well once she found out I was in the picture, she decided that she wanted him back! For the next three years she interfered with everything we did. From showing up at random times to see the kids, breaking up our plans, we actually had to call the police on numerous occasions due to her trespassing and a couple of incidents when she hit the children's father in front of them (while screaming "kids, your dad is hitting me!!") ... total nut job. Well I did not feel like my boyfriend was doing enough to keep her out of our lives. I wanted a restraining order but he did not want to pursue anything like that or do anything to rock the boat. He wanted to just pretend that the problem didn't exist. So again... I left another relationship.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't sell yourself short. You don't deserve to be in a relationship that you are not happy with. The nice thing about this country is you don't have to force yourself to stay with somebody who doesn't treat you right. I am not suggesting that you leave him, only you know what is right for you. I believe that you came here with good intentions but just know that there are other options out there.

[FOSSLGRL 63]

One more thing... my ex and I tried couples counseling... it was a colossal waste of time (and money).

I remember the therapist telling me "ok, so look at Derek and tell him how it makes you feel when he does that" ... and my response was, are you freaking kidding me? He knows exactly how it makes me feel... he just doesn't care!!

It can help if you have communication troubles, but you have to remember that ultimately people aren't going to change.

I truly wish you all the best.