Marriage in jeopardy

[Faithfully03 2]

I came here in the US through k1 with the intention of a faithful marriage. This is my first marriage and husband's 2nd marriage. We have been married for almost 5 years but there was always an argument along the way. I do understand or atleast try to understand that he had an ugly marriage and divorced with his ex wife and they had a child together. I was never married but got pregnant while I was in high school and my ex boyfriend or the father of my child was never in the picture and I have no communication with him.

Part of the problem was for sure the culture and communication. Where I feel my husband don't hear me. And I feel like his previous marriage is tag along with our marriage which makes it so hard. A lot of our decision with my husband son involved we have to have his ex wife approval that I am the wife I feel like he will listen more to her than me. My husband and his ex, I see that they are trying to win the "best parent" award and fighting back and forth and jus won't forgive to each other. My husband will buy stuff to his son such as iPhone 6 after it later came out when his son already has an iPhone that was working just fine (kid was only 9 years old) then later on husband bought him a macbook laptop even though his son already have an expensive computer that he did not even discuss with me or get an approval from me if its Ok to spend money with that such. There is also some other things that he bought and I was not informed or aware about. In the Philippines or at least as a parent I feel like we should teach our kids to work for what they want. Make chores, get things for them, reward them every now and then but not necessary to buy an expensive gadgets. I did discussed things with my husband but it just feels like that If I say something about his son he defends him and we end up arguing and fighting. I will be the first one to end the conversation because it is obviously not going anywhere. I will shut down and won't talk for couple days because I am hurt and offended of what my husband tell me. He just told me recently that if it wasn't for him I will be living in the street. That I am very controlling person. When I think I am just wanting him to have a "share" decision making because we are married. He wants to discuss stuff right away and I will shut down when we fight because our conversation just don't go anywhere and he will discuss it even if the kids are around which I think is not a good influence because fighting in front of them is not valid at all.

I am not out here to get sympathy but I would like to hear some people experience and how do they adjust or if there is any rules in the household. Or how to deal with the blended family.

[Ontarkie 14,225]

Blended families are a whole different ballgame.

First part where you feel like the ex is a tag a long well she is. She will forever be in your life even after the kid turns 18. Wedding, graduations, things that the child will want both of his parents at. It will be less and less as the child grows but she will still be there.

I'm not sure what you mean by you needed the approval by the ex wife?

If you're talking about discipline then yes your husband will listen to his ex as that is what co parenting is. Your husband should be finding a way to have you involved in the co parenting but sometimes the ex can be just to much and it's easier for you to step back. Now that is not to say you can't or shouldn't say or do anything and this is where therapy is good, it can't help you two with what roles who plays.

It also sounds like your husband still has some guilt from the divorce and is trying to compensate it with expensive toys for the boy. That is something that he needs to come to terms with and if you keep pointing it out it's probably making it worse.

Shutting down and not talking about things is not smart, it's just making things worse as nothing is getting settled. You're just brewing for the next fight. Therapy to help you two talk about things would be very good.

[Illiria 980]

Trying to take over the mothers role to his son is not going to help, your husband needs to coparent with his sons mother not with you. Be civil to the child but parenting choices such as which school to go to, activities the child can do, and discipline is for the parents to do.

I'm all for accepting cultural differences and learning about your partners culture but going tampo is not helping, only making things worse. It might be culturally acceptable back home but in places where that isn't the norm it comes across as petulant, childish, and emotionally manipulative. It says to him that if he doesn't do everything you want then you are going to sulk which is probably why he says you are controlling. Talk through your problems, explain to him how his actions make you feel.

If he is spending money you have earnt then I get your point about the gifts but if he is spending the money he has earnt then that's up to him. If it isn't stopping him from contributing to the bills then that's his business.

My husbands father got remarried, my husband now has a half brother who is 28 years younger than him. Their father died three years ago. He buys his half brother presents all the time, but my husband uses his money to do it so I don't care. If it meant he couldn't pay his share of the bills I would tell him he was overdoing it.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Is your biological child young enough to still be living at home? Is there maybe some resentment that your child isn't getting those material things as well? Are you jealous that the child is getting expensive gifts?

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Tampo is destructive to relationships. Don't play games, talk like a grown up.

[Faithfully03 2]

I am sorry if I am not the person that can just discuss things right away! Most especially when the kids are around. I get hurt and offended! its just not a good feeling when your spouse upbraid like you never made any sacrifices.

Both kids, mine and his are in elementary. I just think it is impractical to get kids expensive things if its not necessary. My daughter wanted a macbook too and feels like she should have what her stepbrother have and I tell her she do not need it. When your husband buys those expensive thing and not telling you or asking your opinion, when you guys are trying to save money for a house or a future then you will be surprised he bought these things and wonder how did he have the money for these? When you tried to purchase a house together and because his ex wife won't agree to where you and your spouse wants to move then now you cannot get that house because ex wife makes a big deal amd say we are trying to move their child away from her. That we are so limited where to buy because of our financial and we want to make sure we can afford it so that we will have extra money to do our other stuff as a family. When you feel disrespected because his boy talked to you disrespectly and try to correct your grammar in front of other people, talk back to you and stamped on the floor or slammed the door because you asked him to do something. I don't play the mother roll because I know he has his mom so I don't tell him neither my husband which school to go, what sports to play or etc. I respect that. That is why I come to my husband to help decipline the kids. I come to him because I feel like him as the biological parent has more rights in that regard but husband mostly does not reprimand his son because he do not want to hurt his feeling but then he could be more strict w my daughter and Im ok with it because I want my child to grow up responsible.

[NewBeginnings1 10]

god bless your heart for trying to stick it out in your marriage and turning to seek advice. these are all struggles with blended families and I don't think there is a clear way to get through it other than having faith and doing the work. It will be up to your spouse to do the same. But if you model what it is you need you will know that you have done all you can and have faith your conduct will win over your spouse. There doesn't seem to be any unity. Yes that is his child, but that child does not rule over the roost. Counseling, both psychological or religious would be helpful

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

So the children aren't being treated equally? That is a problem and one you really need to talk to your husband about. You are you daughter's advocate and she does deserve equal treatment.

talk back to you and stamped on the floor or slammed the door because you asked him to do something

This can be typical kid behavior. My daughter is almost 8 and is fairly well behaved but will do stuff like this from time to time. Her step father feels more than comfortable being the disciplinarian if she does it to him or me. If this is a continuing problem then it is again something you need to address with your husband. You don't deserve to be disrespected.

[Faithfully03 2]

Don't get me wrong, daughter misbehave too. If she does, when my husband which actually she knows her real dad. When she treats him like that I sure will be after her tellimg her that she shouldn't do this and that.

My husband that had ask me to get my daughter a macbook too and I disagree because I don't think my daughter needs it at her young age. There is an xbox and play station that they barely use because they are always on their ipads or cellphone so why bother buying an expensive stuff if it is not needed? There is so much to do rather than being in their electronics!

[Illiria 980]

My husband that had ask me to get my daughter a macbook too and I disagree because I don't think my daughter needs it at her young age.

So your daughter wanted one, your daughter didn't want to be treated differently to the step brother, your husband said to you to get one for her, but you decided you didn't want her to have it. And somehow it's your husbands fault that your daughter doesn't get the same things as her step brother? You are the one be that caused her to be treated differently than her step brother by saying no. Which is totally ok to make that decision as her parent but you can't then turn around and say it's your husbands fault your daughter feels unfairly treated or to demand that his son isn't allowed to have something that his parents feel is ok.

You need to explain to your daughter that you are her parent and sometimes you will decide that she can't have something that her step brother has. That you are her mother and that sometimes you will make different parenting decisions to her step dad and his exwife based on what you think is right for her.

Believe me she will pick up on you acting tampo as much as she would if you had been arguing in front of her and she could pick up this bad habit, my dad used to sulk during arguments and I unfortunately picked up his bad habits. It took me years to unlearn that childish behaviour and learn to have a disagreement like an adult.

[Illiria 980]

Also their child custody agreement might require them to live in a certain area or within a certain distance of the child's primary residence, when my husbands parents divorced they were required to live within ten minutes walking distance of each other so that he could see his dad after school then sleep at his moms house. This restricted his dad to buy a much smaller house in an expensive city as that is where my husband was already going to school.

[Faithfully03 2]

So your daughter wanted one, your daughter didn't want to be treated differently to the step brother, your husband said to you to get one for her, but you decided you didn't want her to have it. And somehow it's your husbands fault that your daughter doesn't get the same things as her step brother? You are the one be that caused her to be treated differently than her step brother by saying no. Which is totally ok to make that decision as her parent but you can't then turn around and say it's your husbands fault your daughter feels unfairly treated or to demand that his son isn't allowed to have something that his parents feel is ok.

You need to explain to your daughter that you are her parent and sometimes you will decide that she can't have something that her step brother has. That you are her mother and that sometimes you will make different parenting decisions to her step dad and his exwife based on what you think is right for her.

Believe me she will pick up on you acting tampo as much as she would if you had been arguing in front of her and she could pick up this bad habit, my dad used to sulk during arguments and I unfortunately picked up his bad habits. It took me years to unlearn that childish behaviour and learn to have a disagreement like an adult.

That isn't what I mean! That is just what I believe as a parent that kids shouldnt need expensive things to be pit out to their hand. If we are well off, then maybe!

I try not to discuss or argue in front of her. But my husband feels like we need to discuss thing right away even though the kids can hear us. We have my daughter full time And I had plead to not discuss things when kods are around because it is not good. So tell me if it's good when your spouse cuss and yell at you and kids can hear it?

[Faithfully03 2]

Also their child custody agreement might require them to live in a certain area or within a certain distance of the child's primary residence, when my husbands parents divorced they were required to live within ten minutes walking distance of each other so that he could see his dad after school then sleep at his moms house. This restricted his dad to buy a much smaller house in an expensive city as that is where my husband was already going to school.

Yea that is one thing that is why my husband had ask her to see if we can buy in different city with a good school district since we cant afford it. Because unfortunately we cannot afford to buy an average median house of $400,000 even though we both work full time. We do not have that much money for the down payment to begin with anyway. And so as the ex wife, because she only have one income. I did not want to buy that townhome because it is too far from my work and twice as far to my husband work but because that is what we can afford and husband likes it, I did finally agree for it but then ex wife didn't and so we lost it.

[Sandra G. 5,047]

The guy doesn't even own a house and he is buying Iphone 6 to his child, Macbook Pro to his child, well I am with you on this one. There is a line and your husband is crossing, hands down.You are his family too and he should be responsible enough to save money to buy a house, every penny counts.

His ex-wife should not have her opinion where your husband should live,period. If you and your husband decide together to buy a house one,two hours away from her home I don't think his ex-wife should have her opinion in this matter. One or two hours away is not a big deal.

The silent treatment (Tampo) is wrong.Communication is the key, shutting down for days is not a smart thing to do, it's childish. I know this is common in your Country but I can't see how shutting down can solve a problem.

[tomatoboy 33]

Sounds like couples/family counseling might be a good idea.