i am facing a dilemma

[Chris H 0]

Sorry if it doesn't work out for you. As an aside, how old was this girl? If it's the girl in your avatar, she looks pretty young and that may be part of the problem?

she is 25, I am 26

[JohnK 0]

Sorry if it doesn't work out for you. As an aside, how old was this girl? If it's the girl in your avatar, she looks pretty young and that may be part of the problem?

she is 25, I am 26

Oh, well just ignore me then! Good luck, hope things go better for you.

[Chris H 0]

Sorry if it doesn't work out for you. As an aside, how old was this girl? If it's the girl in your avatar, she looks pretty young and that may be part of the problem?

she is 25, I am 26

Oh, well just ignore me then! Good luck, hope things go better for you.

I hope so, thanks for the encouragement!

Edited April 3, 2007 by Chris H

[Nikita2Charles 32]

I am sorry this has happened to you. You should consider yourself lucky and very fortunate, she's being honest with you to let you know that she's afraid to leave her family, her friends, everthing behind to come and live with you. At this point of time the love may not be strong enough to overcome all those fears, challenges. As you said it yourself, she's very shy, very reserved as such she's very scared of the open society that we live in. I had a friend who was very deeply interesting in a guy here in the states, but her heart was in India, as such no matter what there's no way she would leave India, her family, her confort zone. For myself I was very luck I met my wife while I was working on a project there, as such I was fortunate enough to have made several trips to India, so we were more like buddy by the time we made the decision to get married and for my wife to come here, she wanted me to move to India. When we look at both choices and what would be best for Both of us we decided it's better she move out here, as there would be much more opportunities for her here than for me in India.

With all that, the 1st few months was not that easy, homesickness, missing friends, surrounding, learning how to drive, now when we look back at those moments we laugh but at the time it wasn't funnny. I wish you all the best, if it's meant to be it will be, don't try to force anything.

[knowledge 0]

She doesn't want to leave family, etc, but she reacts as conflictual to her parents pushing her to be with you; that's quite contradictory, that tells me she is in a reactive mode towards her parents, as many teens do in order to developp their identity...Acting on does not give place to think...either one or the other...Plus, she might have panik, because the dream was on the verge to become reality...another inner change...

Bassically i hear of the arguments she gave you in regards to her parents...as hearing the hidden message lol is: "i want to know you more, and only talk to you and not through a third party, i.e my parents".

If something is still going on between you, making rules negociated only by the 2 of you, of how you should communicate, might be useful...For ex, would she approve when you call only to talk to her about your relationship, and not with her parents...etc...Also, explaining her it's usual to panik in the process of such project...reassure her it's ok...I would give her the desire to be with you in the US, for ex: dreaming what you'll do, where you'll go etc...A bit of poesy we certainly lack in our lifes in this process, made only of such bureaucracy...

Also for the cultural stuff..well her culture, if i'm not mistaken, is that an individual is part of a group...which is different from the individualistic western world...but, all these differences, put in a pleasurable and humourous way, as a way to experiment and especially learn...with humour...might also help...who knows...You are both young and need time to learn how to be in intimicy...but remember: the futur is a blank sheet of paper...only you both you'll write your relationship on it...create it...because otherwise it doesn't exist!....I hope you'll give another chance...why not!...Good luck!!!

[Chris H 0]

I hear many people say move on or give it another chance. Its a tough decision, but I will just move on. I am already currently looking for new prospects. If she wants to come back then she is welcome to.

[TracyTN 237]

I'm going to be frank - I think you dodged a bullet here. If she didn't love you - and felt the marriage was arranged - and you're already looking for 'new prospects', then the relationship was doomed to fail.

I hope you two can both find happiness elsewhere.

[JohnK 0]

On another note, I'd sure like to have your job where I could have lots of time off and afford to fly back and forth to China a few times!

[Chris H 0]

Yes, right now I am heartbroken and sometimes its hard to stay positive after spending so much time, money, and effort to be with her only to have her turn cold.

I don't wanna sound like I am repeating myself, but yes she has a lot of insecurity and I wonder if that will help with her finding another man, her parents told me they can always introduce her to another guy if we don't work out, but they really loved me because I was caring and loving to her and them and my family is very well to be in the US. They knew I can support and care for her and she would have a better life in the US. I wonder how will the her next relationship turn out. If she is self-centered and insecure then it may just turn out to be the same that happened to me.

^ Is this the bigger problems she might face?

Nonetheless, stay positive! move on!

[Caladan 19]

Sounds like her parents are pulling the Pride and Prejudice line: marry well. marry rich. That's going to be hard for her to deal with, but it can't be your problem, you know?

[knowledge 0]

Yes, right now I am heartbroken and sometimes its hard to stay positive after spending so much time, money, and effort to be with her only to have her turn cold.

I don't wanna sound like I am repeating myself, but yes she has a lot of insecurity and I wonder if that will help with her finding another man, her parents told me they can always introduce her to another guy if we don't work out, but they really loved me because I was caring and loving to her and them and my family is very well to be in the US. They knew I can support and care for her and she would have a better life in the US. I wonder how will the her next relationship turn out. If she is self-centered and insecure then it may just turn out to be the same that happened to me.

^ Is this the bigger problems she might face?

Nonetheless, stay positive! move on!

I khnow it's hard, as you said, put so much energy in this story...does she know how hard it was for you? Maybe she is not ready, obviously, not enough mature to handle yet such a situation. And it depends of the bond she has towards you...Do what you feel! and it will be the best decision! Good luck!....

[Private Skylark 0]

As for finding a job there my chinese is good enough to get by, but I don't think that I would be able to work there properly. I can teach english there, but the way pay is too low compared to what I am paying paying here in the US.

Well, people make sacrifices for love... Getting a lower-paid job that would still allow you to live comfortably isn't that bad considering the perk of getting to be with the woman you love... =/

[Chris H 0]

Yes, right now I am heartbroken and sometimes its hard to stay positive after spending so much time, money, and effort to be with her only to have her turn cold.

I don't wanna sound like I am repeating myself, but yes she has a lot of insecurity and I wonder if that will help with her finding another man, her parents told me they can always introduce her to another guy if we don't work out, but they really loved me because I was caring and loving to her and them and my family is very well to be in the US. They knew I can support and care for her and she would have a better life in the US. I wonder how will the her next relationship turn out. If she is self-centered and insecure then it may just turn out to be the same that happened to me.

^ Is this the bigger problems she might face?

Nonetheless, stay positive! move on!

I know it's hard, as you said, put so much energy in this story...does she know how hard it was for you? Maybe she is not ready, obviously, not enough mature to handle yet such a situation. And it depends of the bond she has towards you...Do what you feel! and it will be the best decision! Good luck!....

It was pretty obvious she wasn't ready for marriage. Plus, pressure from me, her parents, and relatives all made it worse. I am not sure what to say or anymore. I pretty much just given up hope on this girl. I put so much time, money, and energy with her for this to become the way it did. It would be a miracle to see her come back to me and give it another chance, but I don't see that happening as she said she isn't interested anymore in coming to the US or leaving her family.

I haven't seen her online these past 3 days either.

Edited April 5, 2007 by Chris H

[Ban Hammer 13,344]

I haven't seen her online these past 3 days either.

that speaks volumns.........

[Chris H 0]

I haven't seen her online these past 3 days either.

that speaks volumns.........

that means she probably doesn't want to talk to me?

though i still keep in contact with her cousins and grandma, but she doesn't talk to them much if any either.