i am facing a dilemma

[intelek 0]

Dude...... you can't make , or convince someone to marry you.... if she said no, it's totally her decision. Would you want your family and friends to try to convince you to marry someone you don't want to be with? Besides aren't there like a billion people in China. If you really loved her you would respect her wishes, and not try to get her family and friends to pressure her to do something she clearly doesn't want to do.

[Dan J 277]

Does she love you that much to be willing to take all the risk just to be together with you ? I know you've known her over a year, but it's not enough time to build trust and understanding in a relationship. I think in your case, you need more time to spend time together first and not such in a hurry to file for a petition.

[munchkins 0]

It is understandable that she is worried and scared, it is a huge step to contemplate. By all means ask her if she would like you to visit but keep the visit fun and without any pressure on her, let her enjoy your company and perhaps she will start to feel better about things, who knows, but do not put pressure now or in the future, on her at all. If things work out for you both, then great, if not you will have to accept and respect her decision and move on with your life. I hope things work out for you

[Chris H 0]

she now decided she doesn't want to come. I guess time to move on.

Her parents still love me a lot, but still they can't force her to be with me. Ultimately, its her decision. I respect that. Hopefully, she decides to be with me, but the way things are now I heavily doubt that will be the case. She doesn't listen to her parents that much anymore so it won't help.

She doesn't want to leave China or her family members there.

[Chris H 0]

Does she love you that much to be willing to take all the risk just to be together with you ? I know you've known her over a year, but it's not enough time to build trust and understanding in a relationship. I think in your case, you need more time to spend time together first and not such in a hurry to file for a petition.

thats a good question, but she always asks the question whether or not I think she loved me or not. However, given her recent decision I don't think she loved me from the heart and not willing to take her chance to be with me.

[Niels Bohr 72]

This is very an unfortunate turn of events. I would move on.

[Private Skylark 0]

I'm sorry to hear about her saying no, but in the long run at least she's come out about her feelings NOW instead of 6 months down the line when you've both spent a lot of time, money and effort working through a visa.

Is there any reason why you can't go over there?

[*JG* 2]

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

I'd say she is a lovely woman and truly loves you. This decision she has made, after much soul searching, is made with both of you in mind. She loves you enough to give up this opportunity because she knows it is not right for her and would ultimately make both of you miserable. At this point in time anyhow. It is an extremely brave and mature decision.

I would say don't give up on the relationship. Take some more time to maintain your bond even if, in the end, it turns out not to lead to a lifetime together.

[Chris H 0]

I'm sorry to hear about her saying no, but in the long run at least she's come out about her feelings NOW instead of 6 months down the line when you've both spent a lot of time, money and effort working through a visa.

Is there any reason why you can't go over there?

you mean visit her or moving over there and find a job?

The job I work at doesn't give me a lot of vacation time, but when I have time I will travel.

As for finding a job there my chinese is good enough to get by, but I don't think that I would be able to work there properly. I can teach english there, but the way pay is too low compared to what I am paying paying here in the US.

[Ban Hammer 13,344]

she now decided she doesn't want to come. I guess time to move on.

Her parents still love me a lot, but still they can't force her to be with me. Ultimately, its her decision. I respect that. Hopefully, she decides to be with me, but the way things are now I heavily doubt that will be the case. She doesn't listen to her parents that much anymore so it won't help.

She doesn't want to leave China or her family members there.

at least you have resolution on this issue now

[almaty 19]

she now decided she doesn't want to come. I guess time to move on.

Her parents still love me a lot, but still they can't force her to be with me. Ultimately, its her decision. I respect that. Hopefully, she decides to be with me, but the way things are now I heavily doubt that will be the case. She doesn't listen to her parents that much anymore so it won't help.

She doesn't want to leave China or her family members there.

at least you have resolution on this issue now

i agree..it is time to move on/////////////

[akdiver 3]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

She sounds pretty wise if you ask me.

Anything I can do?

Tell her best of luck and to give you a call to see if you are still available when she is ready for a more mature relationship. In the meantime, start dating.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Caladan 19]

Sorry to hear about the sadness, but it's better that she had her doubts now and came to a decision rather than stifling them, leaving her country and then regretting her decision.

You can't convince someone to marry you; or rather, if you're at that point, you need either to give it time and see what develops, or to move on.

[Chris H 0]

Sorry to hear about the sadness, but it's better that she had her doubts now and came to a decision rather than stifling them, leaving her country and then regretting her decision.

You can't convince someone to marry you; or rather, if you're at that point, you need either to give it time and see what develops, or to move on.

we'll see, she may move on or she may come back. Though I am not sure if the pressure from her parents got to her thinking this was an "arranged" marriage. She didn't love from the heart and thought her family was pressuring her to marry me. That may have regret in the end on her part, which made her decision.

[JohnK 0]

Sorry if it doesn't work out for you. As an aside, how old was this girl? If it's the girl in your avatar, she looks pretty young and that may be part of the problem?