i am facing a dilemma

[Lizzy 0]

The only thing you can do is give her time, all the support she needs. I suppose its better now to know this than her come all the way to the US and tell you then.

Just tell her how much you love her and you will wait until she knows what she wants, tell her to be honest with you. If the point comes where she is sure she does not want to be with you then you can do nothing but accept it.

Hope it all works out for you.

[Turboguy 6]

I don't mean to throw ice water on you but her is my view.

I have seen this happen a number of times. It happened to a friend I made here who worked for the airlines when his gal backed out half way through the process. He went to Russia and got her to change her mind.

It happened to me during my visits to my first fiancee. Two or three times she wanted to cancel the process.

It happened to a few others I know. Usually they have been able to talk their fiancee into resuming the process.

Of every one I knew, not one had a happy ending. My first fiancee went back after 89 days in the USA, the others all chose to go home rather than marry.

Leaving friends and family and the life they have known all thier life is not easy. If she is not 100% committed to you and to making a life with you I think your chances are not good. I would not push her into it. She needs to do what her heart tells her. If I ever run into a situation like you are in, like I was in before, I will just move on. As much heartbreak as it is now, it is far more later. I know this is not what you want to hear.

[TracyTN 237]

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

She 'has a heart' for you, but is she in love with you? If she cannot imagine the rest of her life without you (despite all the cultural differences and immigration red tape), then she will go forward with the process, and is probably just scared now.

But she needs to be honest with you and tell you whether or not she has those deep feelings for you. The reasons she is giving you sound like excuses to me. I know that isn't what you want to hear, and I hope it doesn't come across as harsh - but I'd hate for the both of you to make such a potentially costly mistake.

Edited March 29, 2007 by TracyTN

[athena_ny 1]

It could be her way of dealing with the stress, etc. It's scary. My husband (I am the USC) was already in the US when we met, dealing with things out of his control (not getting into the details now). He was in Florida, I was in NY. I loved him enough and felt secure enough to decide to move here (to FL) to be with him. That's only 1300 miles, 3 hours by plane, 22 by car. We live in the same culture, he had learned the US culture, and spoke decent English. It wasn't that big of a difference, but it was still a GIANT leap for me to take. I can't imagine going from a country where the language is different, everything is different, to be with the person you love. I know people do it, and survive. But I can't wrap my head around how - there was a time that the stress was so high we almost broke up. I almost went home. (Before we married - before here with him was really 'home').

So maybe she's scared and this is how she reacts. Maybe this is how she deals.

Or maybe she doesn't feel it's right. Right time, right place, right person. And if not? Your heart gets broken, but hearts heal. They sting even after years, but it's much better for her to realize before she comes here and marries you than after. It saves a lot of hurt, a lot of wasted time.

If you go to visit her, I wouldn't do it to "convince her to change her mind." That's not healthy. If you go, do it to be with her in the hopes she will change her mind, but if you do it just to change her mind, no doubt she'll feel the pressure. She's being pressured by her parents already - you're probably the last person she wants to feel pressured by because if there's love there, you should be there for support, not more pressure.

Sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

[Peggy 1]

It could be her way of dealing with the stress, etc. It's scary. My husband (I am the USC) was already in the US when we met, dealing with things out of his control (not getting into the details now). He was in Florida, I was in NY. I loved him enough and felt secure enough to decide to move here (to FL) to be with him. That's only 1300 miles, 3 hours by plane, 22 by car. We live in the same culture, he had learned the US culture, and spoke decent English. It wasn't that big of a difference, but it was still a GIANT leap for me to take. I can't imagine going from a country where the language is different, everything is different, to be with the person you love. I know people do it, and survive. But I can't wrap my head around how - there was a time that the stress was so high we almost broke up. I almost went home. (Before we married - before here with him was really 'home').

So maybe she's scared and this is how she reacts. Maybe this is how she deals.

Or maybe she doesn't feel it's right. Right time, right place, right person. And if not? Your heart gets broken, but hearts heal. They sting even after years, but it's much better for her to realize before she comes here and marries you than after. It saves a lot of hurt, a lot of wasted time.

If you go to visit her, I wouldn't do it to "convince her to change her mind." That's not healthy. If you go, do it to be with her in the hopes she will change her mind, but if you do it just to change her mind, no doubt she'll feel the pressure. She's being pressured by her parents already - you're probably the last person she wants to feel pressured by because if there's love there, you should be there for support, not more pressure.

Sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

Great Advice

[LvivLovers 39]

It could be her way of dealing with the stress, etc. It's scary. My husband (I am the USC) was already in the US when we met, dealing with things out of his control (not getting into the details now). He was in Florida, I was in NY. I loved him enough and felt secure enough to decide to move here (to FL) to be with him. That's only 1300 miles, 3 hours by plane, 22 by car. We live in the same culture, he had learned the US culture, and spoke decent English. It wasn't that big of a difference, but it was still a GIANT leap for me to take. I can't imagine going from a country where the language is different, everything is different, to be with the person you love. I know people do it, and survive. But I can't wrap my head around how - there was a time that the stress was so high we almost broke up. I almost went home. (Before we married - before here with him was really 'home').

So maybe she's scared and this is how she reacts. Maybe this is how she deals.

Or maybe she doesn't feel it's right. Right time, right place, right person. And if not? Your heart gets broken, but hearts heal. They sting even after years, but it's much better for her to realize before she comes here and marries you than after. It saves a lot of hurt, a lot of wasted time.

If you go to visit her, I wouldn't do it to "convince her to change her mind." That's not healthy. If you go, do it to be with her in the hopes she will change her mind, but if you do it just to change her mind, no doubt she'll feel the pressure. She's being pressured by her parents already - you're probably the last person she wants to feel pressured by because if there's love there, you should be there for support, not more pressure.

Sometimes, the right thing and the hardest thing are the same.

Great Advice

Sorry about your situation, but it really is best to find this out now rather than later. I would continue to be there for her and try to be as understanding as you can. Tell her you don't plan to file anything until it's what she wants then just give her time. If her love for you is strong enough she'll eventually come around, and unless that happens, you're going to be setting yourself up for failure. Since you just visited fairly recently I'd wait a little bit longer, but then you might try to go see her again as that may cause her to think long and hard about this process again. But most likely you need to wait for HER to let you know when the time is right, because she doesn't sound ready and any pressure is just going to make things worse. Good luck to you, friend!

[amorcito 0]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

Anything I can do?

I am no Dr. Phil, Dr Ruth, and not even an expert in the matter that you seek BUT, love her with no conditions; Set her free. If she comes back to you and embraces all the odds, then she's yours to keep. Remember the good old cliche'.

[David-and-Mae 15]

I'm sorry to hear about this... I guess your girl really got scared and having cold feet. Maybe you should give her time to think about everything. You said you've known her more than a year. If you two shared wonderful time together, she will consider it and won't throw it away just like that. Sometimes (or most of the time) us, women, change our mind over something but after thinking things thoroughly and having enough time and space to do it, we always resort into what's really best...

Be strong and don't give up yet... Good luck!

Mae

[Moonie 0]

Just give her space don't push her because you don't want her to come here and then leave you. She could be freaking out or perhaps she just doesn't want that kind of commimtment yet.

[broma25 2]

You have been to China to visit her, but has she been to the US to visit you. If not maybe get her to come here for a vacation to see what life is like here before she makes the huge committment to move here.

It amazes me that people can move to a country without ever visiting and seeing what its all about.

[Turboguy 6]

You have been to China to visit her, but has she been to the US to visit you. If not maybe get her to come here for a vacation to see what life is like here before she makes the huge committment to move here.

It amazes me that people can move to a country without ever visiting and seeing what its all about.

For many that is not an option broma. I think someone with a fiancee in China would fact the same issues as I do with a fiancee in Russia. The odds of getting a tourist visa are worse than the odds of winning the powerball. I know if it could be done my fiancee would be here with me right now.

[broma25 2]

You have been to China to visit her, but has she been to the US to visit you. If not maybe get her to come here for a vacation to see what life is like here before she makes the huge committment to move here.

It amazes me that people can move to a country without ever visiting and seeing what its all about.

For many that is not an option broma. I think someone with a fiancee in China would fact the same issues as I do with a fiancee in Russia. The odds of getting a tourist visa are worse than the odds of winning the powerball. I know if it could be done my fiancee would be here with me right now.

Ok if thats the case, she needs to make the decision to move in her own time with no pressure. Its difficult enough to leave behind everything that is familiar when you have at least visited the country you are moving to. I can understand her apprehension, as the saying goes " better the devil you know, than the devil you dont" (meant in terms of countries not people).

[ajames79 0]

I can only speak from my heart...

but I know I'd be scared as hell if I was moving all the way from China..to a country I am not familar with..away from my parents...to a man I've met twice. I don't exactly blame her for having cold feet, poor girl. I do feel for you as well. I know you are feeling concern for her which is good.

I'd be supportive in what ever she decides. Just imagine what kind of pressure she is under from all sides! I feel she will make the right choices! Good luck!

[Chris H 0]

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

[Chris H 0]

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.