i am facing a dilemma

[Chris H 0]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

Anything I can do?

Edited March 29, 2007 by Chris H

[JoeMama 0]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

Anything I can do?

Sorry to hear about this happening. I know it is tough. I wish I had advice to give you. But maybe she needs a little time to be certain this is what she wants. Is there any chance of you going to visit her? I don't want to seem personal, but how long have you 2 been dating?

[Chris H 0]

I've known her for 1 and a half years. I've been to China to see her twice already. The last time I was there was from December 28th - January 18th.

Should I go visit her again?

[Ephesus 0]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

Anything I can do?

Sorry to hear about this happening. I know it is tough. I wish I had advice to give you. But maybe she needs a little time to be certain this is what she wants. Is there any chance of you going to visit her? I don't want to seem personal, but how long have you 2 been dating?

You can't change someone's mind. Just be yourself, and if it's meant to work out, then it will. If not, there are thousands of people out there for you. Find one.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Talk and listen then accept - Im sure she knows whats best for her, this shouldnt be something you talk someone into (no matter what the family says)

[*JG* 2]

I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

Anything I can do?

Maybe it's just her way of dealing with all the stress and pressure right now. How many of us hasn't freaked out at least once along the way?

On the other hand, maybe it is a precursor of things to come and it's a good think it's out there now.

[JoeMama 0]

Your girl is probably scared. I am sure just the thought of culture shock is overwhelming. Everything she's ever known, she will be leaving behind and having to learn everything all over again. But in a different place and culture. I know how I felt when I first stepped of the plane in Ukraine. I looked around and was not expecting things to look as they did. No one spoke English either. Talk about a culture shock! It sounds like that may be her situation. Give her a little time to think about what the reasons she's told you. I would call her back later and tell her what is in your heart. Try not to pressure her. It may scare her even more.

[YuAndDan 153]

Sorry to her this, Yes you do need to give her time to make up her mind, it is a very big thing to move from China to the USA. There are so many things that you take for granted and will be new and strange to her.

Take it from someone who knows, my Yu is discovering things every day, and is always asking questions, Yu is very adapt at learning new things, and is adjusting, but others may have very strong ties home, and have very hard time with the culture shock. Yu was an English teacher in China, and still has many problems with English in the USA, so Language for your girl will be a big,big issue.

You may want to join Candle and ask your questions there. They know fully what you are talking about, and know much about Chinese/American relationships. http://candleforlove.com

[Chris H 0]

Your girl is probably scared. I am sure just the thought of culture shock is overwhelming. Everything she's ever known, she will be leaving behind and having to learn everything all over again. But in a different place and culture. I know how I felt when I first stepped of the plane in Ukraine. I looked around and was not expecting things to look as they did. No one spoke English either. Talk about a culture shock! It sounds like that may be her situation. Give her a little time to think about what the reasons she's told you. I would call her back later and tell her what is in your heart. Try not to pressure her. It may scare her even more.

She mentioned to me she wanted to come to the US before and be with me. She knows my heart is with her. I told her don't worry too much, I have many chinese friends and I am very well known in the local chinese community. Also, I can help her adapt and so can my friends. Now she is stepping back saying she doesn't want to come nor get married....weird

[Andy 2]

No it's not weird, it's an inevitable part of the process for someone who faces an uphill struggle with an unknown bureaucracy for a long period of frustration to then have the chance to leave behind everything familiar and start a new life somewhere so incomprehensibly different that it all seems impossible.

If you want to stand any chance of this working out, you have to give it time, and every ounce of understanding you can. Marriage requires two people who want it to work, and who want to face the same world together. If you don't understand the things she's going through, then you need to talk to her about it, ask her and listen. If she knows you're on her side and she wants to be with you, she'll come round. If not, then the marriage would not have worked.

[Chris H 0]

No it's not weird, it's an inevitable part of the process for someone who faces an uphill struggle with an unknown bureaucracy for a long period of frustration to then have the chance to leave behind everything familiar and start a new life somewhere so incomprehensibly different that it all seems impossible.

If you want to stand any chance of this working out, you have to give it time, and every ounce of understanding you can. Marriage requires two people who want it to work, and who want to face the same world together. If you don't understand the things she's going through, then you need to talk to her about it, ask her and listen. If she knows you're on her side and she wants to be with you, she'll come round. If not, then the marriage would not have worked.

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

Edited March 29, 2007 by Chris H

[JoeMama 0]

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

Her parents saying something to her is one thing. You saying something to her is another. They are the people who brought her into this world and who she's listened to all of her life. The parents will speak with their daughter as they always have. They probably know her best and what to say to her to comfort her and give her reassurance.

I cannot tell you if she would want to come back and start the proceedure with you. It is up to her to make that decision. All things happen for a reason. Maybe she realized that having to get married means having to give up a lot of things she's just not ready to give up yet at this time. Just let her mull over her thoughts. Her parents will more than likely help her straighten things out. Keep yourself busy finding things to do so you don't work yourself into a wreck until that time.

[notrepetiteashley 0]

Let her know how much you care about her without smothering her. And yeah, I think her parents pressuring her to be with you is a bad thing.

Good luck, whatever happens.

[Andy 2]

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

It's no good that her parents or you talk to her about being with you - that's just like telling her that what she's afraid of and worried about doesn't matter. Bad approach. It's also not sensible to 'let her cool off' because that's not going to give her anything but an absence of opportunity to work it out.

You need to talk to her. Discover how she feels about the situation so you can understand it, and then work with her to overcome the problems and discover for herself what her future ought to be. If it's with you as you hope, then you'll need to begin the process of overcoming her fears about the future in the US, a place that is so different than anything she knows that anything she imagines about it will be daunting and bad.

Talk to her, and encourage her to talk to you about everything she feels in this situation. Stop thinking about what impact it has on you and start thinking what impact is has on her. If she sees you care enough about her to want to really know what's going on in her mind and to patiently work with her to see if things can be resolved, she'll find the idea of marriage less daunting because she'll know you're on her side.

Try anything else and you'll make it harder to resolve. Start by telling her that you'll not file the papers and want to talk it all over for as long as it takes to sort it all out. Tell her parents to stop pushing her, and then the pressure on her won't seem so bad.

And good luck by the way! Don't forget that pretty much every couple have this problem at some stage in the immigration process - indeed, many who don't have to go through an immigration case - so it's not unusual to have a bit of alarm of this sort. The solution is in how you deal with it and how able you are to put yourself in your partners shoes.

[Cécy 44]

The fact that her parents put pressure on her probably doesn't help. I know I hate my parents to mention anything like that, because it is my decision not theirs. Tell her to take her time make her decision and that you are here to discuss anything she wishes to. Tell her parents to go easy on her.

Try to get her in touch with other Chinese who married or are about to marry and american citizen whether you know them in real life or find them online.

Talk over what marriage means to you, but also that it is not a prison. If things don't work out she will always be free to leave. Yes I know not the thing you necessarily imagine when you think marriage, but some people feel safer to get commited if they do realize there is always a way out.

Give her support and ask her to be honest with you. Tell her you can postpone all the paper work until the two of you can make a decision together.

Good luck and has said above, if she cannot go through with this better now than later.