Spoken Language vs. Respect

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

OK maybe I didn't make one thing clear. My stepson prior to coming to the US was in a private university since the age of 2. He can read, write and speak Tagalog fluently. He was in the top 90% of every class and I have the report cards to prove it because my wife keeps everything. He also reads English extremely well but while writing and speaking English is where he needs improvement. His main issue is just understanding the slang terms we use and how to use similar words like, were, where, wear, and we're give him problems. He is smart enough understand this and knows he has to work on his English more because his schoolwork and future in America depends on this. My wife however, reads English pretty good, terrible at writing it and has trouble pronouncing many words, doesn't know the true meaning of a lot of words she says and at time creates her own gibberish. This really comes to life in text messages that she sends me. Even our good friends and my stepson tease her on this. I have tried to explain to her that the only way to improve this is to practice. She does work full time in customer service so it has been getting better. So she is actually hurting her son's progress in school by not practicing English with him.

So you want me to learn Tagalog? What for? I had planned to learn it and know many common words. But in my visits to PI I learned most everyone there speaks English anyways and I never had an issue talking with anyone. Well except the older generation were there English is broken but we could still communicate. I even asked my wife to teach me and she just laughed. So why learn it? EVERY Filipino I know speaks English.

First it was she was being rude because you couldn't understand what was being said, i.e. a good reason to learn Tagalog. Now, it is that you are concerned about their English language development. Your wife speaks English to you, yes? Your son speaks English to you as well, correct? I don't see a huge benefit from two people learning English speaking to each other in English if what they need is language refinement towards fluency. It might even cement some bad grammatical habits.

Why learn Tagalog besides to understand your wife? It is a respect issue in dealing with your wife and visiting her culture. They make all the effort in learning your language but you make absolutely no effort in learning theirs.

[Jon&Margz 132]

So you want me to learn Tagalog? What for?

I suspect you are going to get a lot of harsh messages soon. As someone who can understand your original point - consider me a friendly voice ... You learn because you love your blended family. It shows you want to embrace and honor the Filipino culture as much as they embrace our culture.

I also suspect your wife could feel a bit defensive when others criticize or make fun of her "gibberish". I have immigrant friends (from Armenia) who make the same types of mistakes.. I like to call it "Armenglish". Sometimes I help them understand the nuance of English -- usually I smile and just reply normally because I understand their point.

Our attitude and tone will say more than our actual words when we communicate. Let them (wife and step-son) know you want to help. Don't criticize - just stay positive and you'll make progress. Good luck.

[Sagot 1,548]

OK maybe I didn't make one thing clear. My stepson prior to coming to the US was in a private university since the age of 2. He can read, write and speak Tagalog fluently. He was in the top 90% of every class and I have the report cards to prove it because my wife keeps everything. He also reads English extremely well but while writing and speaking English is where he needs improvement. His main issue is just understanding the slang terms we use and how to use similar words like, were,

where, wear, and we're give him problems. He is smart enough understand this and knows he has to work on his English more because his schoolwork and future in America depends on this. My wife however, reads English pretty good, terrible at writing it and has trouble pronouncing many words, doesn't know the true meaning of a lot of words she says and at time creates her own gibberish. This really comes to life in text messages that she sends me. Even our good friends (NOT VERY GOOD FRIENDS TO DO THIS) and my stepson tease her on this. I have tried to explain to her that the only way to improve this is to practice. She does work full time in customer service so it has been getting better. So she is actually hurting her son's progress in school by not practicing English with him.

So you want me to learn Tagalog? What for? I had planned to learn it and know many common words. But in my visits to PI I learned most everyone there speaks English anyways and I never had an issue talking with anyone. Well except the older generation were there English is broken but we could still communicate. I even asked my wife to teach me and she just laughed. So why learn it? EVERY Filipino I know speaks English.

You said it right there...

My wife however, reads English pretty good, terrible at writing it and has trouble pronouncing many words, doesn't know the true meaning of a lot of words she says and at time creates her own gibberish. This really comes to life in text messages that she sends me. Even our good friends and my stepson tease her on this.

Teasing her is so WRONG in so many ways... jeez, you want her to speak English yet when she does so incorrectly she is teased .. "she loses face". You have pretty much forced your wife to speak Tagalog.

And why should you learn? That was covered in the other posts - R-E-S-P-E-C-T and love.

Yes people in the Philippines speak English, but again... it is a 2nd language... they would be impressed if you spoke Tagalog.. it shows respect.

And no I am not great at speaking Tagalog, but I am learning... slowly.. but learning.

[B_J 2,752]

OK maybe I didn't make one thing clear. My stepson prior to coming to the US was in a private university since the age of 2. He can read, write and speak Tagalog fluently. He was in the top 90% of every class and I have the report cards to prove it because my wife keeps everything. He also reads English extremely well but while writing and speaking English is where he needs improvement. His main issue is just understanding the slang terms we use and how to use similar words like, were, where, wear, and we're give him problems. He is smart enough understand this and knows he has to work on his English more because his schoolwork and future in America depends on this. My wife however, reads English pretty good, terrible at writing it and has trouble pronouncing many words, doesn't know the true meaning of a lot of words she says and at time creates her own gibberish. This really comes to life in text messages that she sends me. Even our good friends and my stepson tease her on this. I have tried to explain to her that the only way to improve this is to practice. She does work full time in customer service so it has been getting better. So she is actually hurting her son's progress in school by not practicing English with him.

So you want me to learn Tagalog? What for? I had planned to learn it and know many common words. But in my visits to PI I learned most everyone there speaks English anyways and I never had an issue talking with anyone. Well except the older generation were there English is broken but we could still communicate. I even asked my wife to teach me and she just laughed. So why learn it? EVERY Filipino I know speaks English.

I'm still with you that family discussions should be in a language that everybody should understand.

However, there's something about language skills that is very important to understand. Reading, Listening, Writing, Speaking. People usually pick up the first two much quicker than the latter two. And here's the important part, most people are reluctant to practice writing and speaking because the don't want to be embarrassed when making a mistake. So, you see the problem, why would she practice when she's already being made fun of. It's easier for her to just stick to Tagalog. If you can eliminate the teasing from others, maybe that will help her to practice and improve.

As to your last paragraph...yes, everybody speaks English; but they keep speaking Tagalog on TV. It's really frustrating for me.

And, while everybody does understand English, they do actually appreciate it if we try speaking their language. Even if all you can say is salamat, it is appreciated.

[Dan and Judy 614]

I really didn't know where to post this but since my wife is a Filipina I thought I would try here first. We have been married for almost 5 years with the usual ups and downs (seems like more downs) and almost divorced once. She also has a son (my step son) that just turned 12. I have one common complaint that has lasted the entire 5 years. She ONLY speaks to her son in Tagalog even if I am around. In the morning, at night, at the dinner table, in the car. This totally leaves me out of the conversation. You know, the conversations you may enjoy as a family. I don't get to hear about what's going on at school, with friends, girls, or anything. Unless I ask but he gets upset having to repeat everything twice in which I don't blame him. I have asked her a million times to please stop and how it makes me feel but she doesn't care. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want him to forget Tagalog. He is 12, it is not like he is 5. I have pleaded with her to stop and there is plenty of time when I am not with them that she can speak Tagalog with him. He is usually good enough to speak English when I am around so I usually get half of what is going on. Even on the phone to her friends that live around here she only speaks it. I told her I didn't care if she speaks it on the phone to her family in PI.

There is more about the subject but you get my point.

So my question to fellow VJ's out there that are in my general position......am I out of line requesting my wife to speak English when I am at home and around her, which to me is a total lack of respect.....or do you feel it is her right to speak any langue she likes even though she knows it upsets me and she can do it when I am not around?

Thanks.

Yes it is a lack of respect. You've been whining about it for 5 years now and haven't put your foot down. Either do something about it or get over it. For the record My wife

speaks tagalog with her friends in front of me and it doesn"t bother me but I have not taken on the responsibility of raising her son. The fact that you seem to have accepted

her son as your own should get you that respect. If the courtship goes on in english then that's good enough for the marriage. Trying to learn another language is a humbling experience. I got my wife TFC just because I'm an incredibly nice type of guy. Then I watched the whole series of "Little Juan" with my wife and made her translate. That was actually the prequel to Juan De La Cruz. Somewhere in the middle of Juan De la Cruz we realized they had the show with english subtitles Somewhere around that time I also realized I was watching soap operas. We watch the stuff with subtitles now but I'm not learning as much as when things had to be translated.

[russandraquel 86]

I try to speak some tagalog because we enjoy it and get to laugh a little bit more than we do in just English. Plus, I can discreetly recommend that we take a different route through the grocery store because someone is moving very slow. There are positive reasons for you to learn Tagalog. Maybe focusing on those will help your language situation rather than focusing on the negatives of not knowing it.