US Citizen wife possible victim of marriage fraud

[devistatedwife 3]

Hello. Here's my situation. Met my husband on facebook, I saw him and sent a him friend request. After a few months we started chatting. After a few days he proposed to me, and i accepted after about a week of persistence, and meeting him on skype. We started skyping every day, for hours...after 6 months I went to his country and married him. After a month, came home and filed for his visa. After a year he got his interview at embassy. They put him in AP for another 22 months. I went back to visit him one time in between waiting for issued, for 3 weeks. We skyped every day for at least 5-10 hours a day. He was Mr. Wonderful, my best friend, my everything. He was sweet, kind, caring, loving, and intelligent. He loved spending time with me on skype and we discussed everything that came to mind. We were members here during the 3+ year wait through this process. We were soooo excited to finally get his visa issued after waiting so long in AP. As soon as he arrived in the USA, his personality COMPLETELY changed. I never saw this personality EVER. He arrived in May. He was totally smitten with the USA, and his main focus was that he was here, not that we were finally together. _(He is a citizen of a 3rd world south asian country.) From the 2nd week here, he started to verbally abuse me, apologize and then go right back to this cycle over and over. He actually called me horrible horrible names in front of family, and my little kids. He's said if i was in his country, he could cut my head off like that (snaps fingers), that if i was in his country i would be stoned by the neighborhood, and he cursed me to my face 3x in a row, (i don't know if saying it 3x in a row is a real islamic curse or what does this mean), he's threatened to harm me physically if i didn't do something he wanted.(Which is coercion which is a felony.) This is from beginning of June through September. I told him to go home, many many times, and find some local woman who would be fine with him treating her like that. He said he regretted marrying me a few times. He only wanted to have sex a few times a month...after waiting for over 3 years!!!??? I found he was addicted to porn, i saw his history he would watch it 3x a day since he arrived. Long story short....I ended up finding out the only way to get him out of my house was to get a personal protection order. He told me before he was served, that he wanted us to stay together he was incredibly sorry, and would change for good... but I don't believe him. He's staying in a homeless shelter now. I gave him information for domestic violence classes through the county (they are for the abuser to learn how to be normal, i guess...it treats the root cause of the behavior.) I don't know if he will go, or how long i should wait to see if he actually goes or not. I told him he killed my feelings for me, but I am definitely suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, and I feel guilty and sad that he did this to me, and how can i miss him? I mean I don't miss this guy, but my "real husband" i'm dying for. The only way my brain can accept this happening to me, is that I told him that I feel like he has a twin brother, beat him up or killed him, and stole his visa. I told him to go back home, switch places with MY husband, and let him come here. Otherwise, the alternative is too devastating too deal with. I feel like my soul is wounded. I never saw this coming, as we were soul mates, and best friends. Intellectually, I feel like it's more likely he scammed me for close to 4 years just to get here... for free. I paid for everything.

Any advice or comments...PLEASE BE KIND, like I said my soul is wounded.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

On the immigration front I don't think there is much you can do besides divorce and move on.

On a personal level, what you are feeling is normal for victims of abuse. I've been there, many of us have been there. He isn't going to change because he goes to classes and he isn't going to change if you change either. The way he has been talking to you is the first step in what will be a steep slope of abuse if you get back together. It is how abusers knock down the self esteem of victims so that they don't leave as it escalates.

It will escalate if you get back together, maybe just towards you, but also maybe towards your children. Don't get back together with this man. Divorce him and maybe get some counseling or join a group of other women who have also been abused to get some support.

[Ontarkie 14,266]

Nola said it perfectly. Please keep yourself and your children safe.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

So sorry this happened to you especially after all you been through. Take care of yourself and your children.

[JR loves JR 196]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. If I were in your shoes, I'd do research about how men treat women in his home country and about their rights. Sure, there will be some things that say women are treated well but you should also find things that validate the things he said to you. If you know others (not related to him) from there, talk to them as well. If you get a better understanding of the cultural norms you'll be less likely to believe that he will change. It will also help you realize that there's nothing you could have done to change the way he treated you. And go see a counselor. You deserve better and you need someone who will affirm your value. Also get a divorce and put some legal space between the two of you.

[Boiler 45,651]

Which Country is he from? You did not say.

[Ban Hammer 13,395]

Which Country is he from? You did not say.

it really doesn't matter because it's not pertinent to the questions posed by the op.

Edited October 21, 2016 by charles!

[devistatedwife 3]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I do have a couple friends with husbands from the same country, and the husbands both said that this behavior would never happen. Wives are treated very well usually. They think he's dangerous. The thing that throws me is how could he fake an awesome personality for 3+ years? I am still in love with MY husband, the one that was waiting forever to be with me forever to live happily ever after. I am feeling like, I am in mourning, like MY husband got murdered or something and this person stole his visa. I don't know this man. Same looks, but personality is horrible...and all he ever does now is beg me to forgive him, he accepts responsibility for his abusive behavior towards me and says he feels bad about it, and wants me to let him prove he will never do it again. But he's said it before...many times since he's been here the past 5 months now. I called ICE they said if he breaks his ppo he will be arrested, and to call them immediately, and they will proceed with removal; because he is still conditional for first 5 years after arrival...& there are certain things immigrants can be deported for, and violating a ppo is one of them. The thing is, that would be forever... but I want MY husband. Does everyone here really think this man can't be rehabilitated through the DV class therapy? How do I accept that THIS man really is MY husband, and scammed me this whole time??? Am I insane because I want to believe him, that he'll change? How can anyone do this to anyone? Should I call his family and tell them? He's threatened suicide. The first week he was here we went to a gun dealer, he found a semi-automatic black rifle they said he could buy for around $700, he had plans of buying it "for protection" ...until i added that in the ppo that they should ban his ability to purchase a firearm. Oh, btw...he used to follow islam. I wore hijab of my own free will while we were separated waiting for issue. After he got here, he made me stop wearing hijab, and wear tank tops and short shorts...we never prayed, nor followed Ramadan this year, never went to mosque, nothing islamic. He drinks alcohol now, occasionally. His family knows nothing. I haven't skyped with them for months, because I don't want to lie. I know, he sounds horrible. He even commented to me, laughing... that he would do a bomb like the one in new york, the pressure cooker one, in the dumpster if trump paid him, and made him disappear. He told me isis is hiring in his country...you pledge your life for 7 years, they pay you like a king, but at the end of the time you have to give your life as a suicide bomber, no exceptions, no way out. Why would he tell me these things? I seriously think whoever this guy is, is psychotic and possibly dangerous. BUT I don't know if he was just talking or... if it's possible he would do something. I don't know who this man is, but he looks like MY husband...how do I handle this, and being committed to marriage, shouldn't I give him a chance to prove he wants to be a good person by going to these DV classes? I know, I sound like I'm mental...but I'm devastated and feel like, wth is going on??? I have been going to therapy, talked to domestic violence advocates, my doctor put me on xanax, talked to the dr's office counselor, talked with friends....but I still feel sick. I believe he is a narcissist sociopath...but again, is this man really MY husband, and HOW did he pretend to have a completely different attitude/personality for over 3 years? Was is like a split personality? How do I get his old personality back? Was he possessed? Can anyone help me to make the connection? Thanks for any response.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. If I were in your shoes, I'd do research about how men treat women in his home country and about their rights. Sure, there will be some things that say women are treated well but you should also find things that validate the things he said to you. If you know others (not related to him) from there, talk to them as well. If you get a better understanding of the cultural norms you'll be less likely to believe that he will change. It will also help you realize that there's nothing you could have done to change the way he treated you. And go see a counselor. You deserve better and you need someone who will affirm your value. Also get a divorce and put some legal space between the two of you.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Which Country is he from? You did not say.

She pretty much narrowed it down to two.

OP: He will not change, and your "real" husband never existed. I am so sorry, stay safe.

[TBoneTX 45,469]

This is up there with the #1 existing heartbreaking story on VJ in the past 9 years.

We still love you, Dear. Be strong, break the toxic ties, heal, and lean on us.

[Boiler 45,651]

She pretty much narrowed it down to two.

OP: He will not change, and your "real" husband never existed. I am so sorry, stay safe.

I can think of more than 2 that fit the description.

[devistatedwife 3]

Thanks TBone, this is why i can't reveal my original profile name. It is incredibly heartbreaking...as you can tell in my last post I'm lost.

This is up there with the #1 existing heartbreaking story on VJ in the past 9 years.

We still love you, Dear. Be strong, break the toxic ties, heal, and lean on us.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

I'll reiterate for you that he won't change. I went back after getting a civil protection order against my first husband. He was great at gaslighting (google it if you don't know what it is). Two years later he threatened to kill me, sell our unborn child into slavery, and kill himself. I was sure that day that he would do it too if we didn't get divorced. He is perfectly charming and even pleasant to talk to when he is getting his own way, but cross him and the storm is unleashed. Sometimes even I forget that he can also be absolutely terrible.

A few years after that, he was arrested for stalking and physically harming another woman. Before me, there were two others that he got away with for being underage despite some pretty grim accusations.

It isn't you and you aren't going to be the one to stop his behavior. He can't be fixed and your marriage vows were broken the second he decided to abuse you and your children. Calling you terrible names in front of your children is abusive to them too. They don't deserve to see their mother treated that way. If not for your own sake, do this for them.

[Ontarkie 14,266]

My ex threatened suicide often. It's a form of physiological abuse to keep you in check. I'll save you from the nightmare I went through and tell you to keep up therapy, morn the loss of the dream he had you fall for as it is a loss.

He didn't have to fake who he was for long you weren't with him 24/7 but yes ppl can do that and have done that, members have posted about how they got fooled by their spouse for years.

The only time an abusive person changes is if they really want to change and that change cannot be because they are being forced. I've also personally seen more times then not that those abuse classes just teach them how to get away with it more.