I'm Going to Stick My Rant on Your Lawn Sign

[TBoneTX 45,266]

If you added gefilte fish to the party

A JEWISH GRANDMOTHER'S 2x2x2x2+2+2+1 STEPS TO THE PROPER PREPARATION OF GEFILTE FISH:

1. Two weeks before Passover, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving canned gefilte fish at her Seder. Explain that she had obviously not been paying attention during her formative years, and that only home-made gefilte fish will do.

2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her, but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.

Many. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus... and a subway... and another bus...

Many. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.

Many. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.

Many. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.

Many. Accept the Many'rd or Many'th, after pinching it to determine that it is fat and pink, and that its eyes are bright. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp, but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know that he has ground dead carp in it.

Many. Lugging 2+1 heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take 2+1 buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking 2+2.

Many. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays, so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.

Many. Tell her how exhausted you are, and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask, but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.

Many. Remove several washed mixing-bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure that they are clean.

Many. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, and the chopped onions in the Many'rd, and then combine them all in a Many'th bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing so that she can come and watch you.

Many. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 2x2x2x2-1 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping-bowl.

Many. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull-bladed hockmesser for Many minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.

Many. Place your hand on your chest, and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.

Many. 2x2x2+2+2 seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 2x2x2x2x2x2-(2x2x2+2+2) minutes.

Many. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin, and bones.

Many. Form the chopped fish-mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.

Many. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot, and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good... but not as good as last year's.

Many. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin, and bones into a chipped bowl for yourself. Until you sound convincing, practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions.

Many. The morning after the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you just tasted a piece of bottled fish that was even more delicious than what she served last night. Tell her it's a shame that she made it from scratch when everyone does such wonderful things with canned.

[TBoneTX 45,266]

Cat (who has dropped the second wrapper) prep zzz man.

Mornin', Commie- and gefilte-fish-loving babes with +1 inventories!

P.S. A Jewish haiku, see and oy man:

No fins, no flippers,

the gefilte fish swims with
some difficulty.

[NikLR 13,227]

Cabbage is best with vinegar.

[Asia 2,498]

Autumn's colors for you all

[SAT 9,609]

That red sign with the white line across it. What does it mean? "Go as fast as you want?"

Or is it "Put you car in 'R' and floor the gas pedal"?

[Asia 2,498]

It means you can't drive there

[SAT 9,609]

To me, it means "cross the intersection sideways"

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Update: It is the shingles.

[SAT 9,609]

Ew...

It's highly contagious. Keep him away from the kids!

Tell him to stay in the garage, in his girlfriend's house!

Douse him in gasoline and set him on fire.

And, you're welcome...

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Ew...

It's highly contagious. Keep him away from the kids!

Tell him to stay in the garage, in his girlfriend's house!

Douse him in gasoline and set him on fire.

Doctor said it wasn't contagious anymore really because it had moved on to the scarring stage.

If his girlfriend had a really nice garage, I might lose my husband.

[SAT 9,609]

Well, douse him in gasoline anyway.

Collect insurance...

Stretch thinks about that all the time...

Oh, don't forget to burn all his clothing. And his car...

[SAT 9,609]

And call the salvation army, have them come pick up the rest of his ...

So you don't have to get your hands infested with herpes...

Edited November 2, 2016 by SAT

[SAT 9,609]

Ah speaking of herpes, where's Tark...

[SAT 9,609]

Trophie must be outside burning Dutch's stuff along with the leaves...

[SAT 9,609]

Trophie I have a great idea...

Sell all of Dutch's to Tark for cheap.

You know, do one of those white man-Indian blanket deals...