How do you handle arguments or fight with your spouse

[Faithfully03 2]

Hello. I am wanting to post this thread here due to the reason that I am from the Philippines and wanting to hear others opinion.

If you are a filipina or a spouse of a Filipina how do you handle the fights and arguments? Mostly when you say something to your USC husband and he immediately assumed your mad or that is what you meant and it will make him mad or offended then he wont listen to you and vice versa to the Pinay. Then you wont talk to him for days because he wont talk to you and you are scared and not wanting to say something more because you are tired of explaining yourself and he wont listen anyway.

We have and had a great marriage and we love each other but it feels like it is coming to an end. It is hurtful but the fights keep reoccuring and trust just get lesser and lesser.

[Greenbaum 12,259]

You put your arms around him and tell him you love him. If he is any kind of man that should melt the coldness between you and him. Don't NAG. It does no good.

[MsCompE 50]

Not talking will not resolve anything. I understand you may need a bit of time and space to thing. As for me, I do keep quiet and re-assess the issue. When I finally calm down, I talk to him and clarify. Maybe it is just a simple misunderstanding that has been escalated.

How we resolve things: (BTW I am a Filipina)

If it has been a simple misunderstanding, I do point out what I mean vs what he understood. Let him explain and propose a solution that both of us will agree to avoid the same thing in the future. We do have communication issues. Choice of words. Tone. Etc.

If after the discussion, you still cant get what you want. Be frank and literal what you need. My partner cant guess what I need and as per our culture we aren't very outspoken and vocal about the stuff we want. To overcome this, I try to be more vocal. I came to the point once that I literally told him "I just need emotional support. ). Men by nature are fixers and most of the time they would come up with a solution when we females just need ears to listen.

If after discussing he still insists his point and I feel I had said everything I need to say and it has been going nowhere, its time to concede. One has to say sorry or one has to initiate a hug. If you had said all your points and still it doesnt make any sense, the next statement would most likely be a repetition of what you said just rephrased. It would be an endless loop and it wont end until one concedes.

Edited October 11, 2016 by MsCompE

[Sagot 1,548]

Hello. I am wanting to post this thread here due to the reason that I am from the Philippines and wanting to hear others opinion.

If you are a filipina or a spouse of a Filipina how do you handle the fights and arguments? Mostly when you say something to your USC husband and he immediately assumed your mad or that is what you meant and it will make him mad or offended then he wont listen to you and vice versa to the Pinay. Then you wont talk to him for days because he wont talk to you and you are scared and not wanting to say something more because you are tired of explaining yourself and he wont listen anyway.

We have and had a great marriage and we love each other but it feels like it is coming to an end. It is hurtful but the fights keep reoccuring and trust just get lesser and lesser.

Culture and language differences can be a bear for sure. The dreaded TAMPO is not understood by most kanos, and those that do understand it react differently. Some do the expected sweet things - bring flowers or candy ... yada.. yada. Some return the "favor" and give silence back.

Greenbaum gave you a great suggestion. Give him a hung ... don't need to say anything, just hug him ... if he is a good guy he will melt and then maybe later tell him what you posted here ... he will want to know your worries ... he loves you.

[Ervie and Rob 34]

I zip my mouth when my husband tends to talk and interpret whatever I say in his ways. No use explaining or pointing out what I actually mean when he is on that mood. I allow him to talk with no interruptions no defense, I take my battles to God. I write prayers and frustrations, all the things I wanted to say in the paper. Bottom line is when I read it afterwards when emotions are back to normal it is something I wouldn't or shouldn't say.

I used to fight with a louder voice and so eager to cut him off trying to make my point across but in the end we both loose. We have to remember that in every fight we as married couple we are not against each other. We are suppose to be a team. Let things slide if its not really that serious. I do ask myself if I know I'm going to die in a week time, would this be important still? hehhehe I am not kidding I do ask myself that and my perspective changes drastically.

When my husband try to start a conversation with me after an argument as if nothing happens I wont drag nor go back to what was then. He would eventually go back to that topic but this time with much openness and understanding so I take that opportunity to explain things better. Change dont come easy so it takes patience and practice to actually choose the right battles. Compromise Compromise and Commitment. Things maybe shaky but if divorce was and is never an option then don't even think of it more mention it in the heat of argument. My prayers are with you and your husband.

[Faithfully03 2]

Thank you for all your thoughts, I respect and appreciate it.

Greenbaun, I am not sure if the hug thing will work anymore. Our fight has gotten worst. There isn't a 3rd party nor physical abuse. It's mostly verbally that we just keep insisting what we think we believe.

I have been here in US for 4 years. I have no family neither relatives in the US. These fights/arguments we have been having I don't tell it to my parents, sister or close cousin. My husband has a good image to my family and my family believe that I have a happy stress free life in the US. I came here in the US for love and my daughter, my ex bf had left and run away when he got me pregnant and as a parent I want the best for my daughter, I want her to grow up having a dad that will be there for her.

I am not saying I have never did anything wrong, in fact, one of the last fight we had is I did move my stuff out (not all of them) and went to my friend. I know it was wrong. I was being impulsive. I came back couple hours later because I realized it was wrong that I should not run. My husband came home from work and did not see me and my suitcase around. Did not call me but instead took half of the money out from our savings and told me I came back because of the money. I did not even thought of taking money out from the bank when I left. I guess I was just expecting him to find me or call me. and Im also a sensitive person (some tampo) that if he say something I get offended or mad.

My husband and I have a big age gap. He is divorced and had a horrible marriage. Ex wife had taken all their money when my husband was getting paid towards their divorce. I work full time. I work nights so I can take care of the kids to school in the morning because husband works during the day. I do send money to the philippines from my paycheck. But it is only $100-$150 a month. If anything my husband tell me to send more, but Im the person that really look closely to our expenses and my husband is the generous one which I am lucky of that. I pay my car payment and get some groceries or food if husband is not having enough money from his paycheck. I help out with our expenses if we have enough and the rest of my paycheck goes to our joint account. My husband pays for the bills and etc. the thing is whatever I do, my sacrifices, I don't use it against him, my husband do. He tells me that I am not being appreciative and thankful for what we have and tells me all the things he have done for me and my daughter.

When we started having arguments we are able to fix it right away, but now it's just getting worst. I do shut down when I'm mad because I really don't like saying anything that I will regret and make him mad. Husband is the exact opposite. He will make you talk and he will keep talking. I do not like discussing or arguing especially when we have his son because it does not make me feel good. I told my husband that but he will just keep talking, this last argument, I did not talk because really I am getting tired of arguing. We don't listen to each other anyway. He yelled at me and cuss me out in our bedroom while the door is open and his son and my daughter are in the living room, obviously the kids can here us. We only live in a 900 sqft house. He even told the kids that they need to leave the house so there won't be stuff all around the house. (Clutters, because I always keep the house clean)and when I called my daughter he reacted and said in front of the kids that I am telling my daughter not to hang out with them. I did not tell her that, I just told my daughter to come w me, because I do not want him to think that I am just leaving my daughter to him. I am open and told my daughter that if she wanted to hang out with them it is totally fine. Yet on the arguments he tells me I am manipulating my daughter. I do not manipulate her! If anything, I tell my daughter to talk to daddy or text him.(my daughter believe that my husband is her real dad) I do yell at my daughter and I am trying to work on not yelling to her. Kids in the Philippines are raised different than here. But I do not physically hurt nor drug my daughter compare to my husband ex wife, she did that to her kids and even called cops on them.

I told my husband that we should see a marriage counselor. He said he is ok with but yet not asking me to do it after we talk about it. He told me that I do need help and he think he don't. In my opinion he do not believe to those people because he did go to counseling after his first divorced and he said it is a lot of money.

I had ask my husband for divorced the last couple times of argument. Not because I don't love him anymore but thinking that this might be the best for us because we have been fighting a lot. I just don't want to hurt him anymore or each others feeling. My husband was the very first one that had asked me to get a divorced couple times 2 years ago that he will bring the paperwork for us to sign and one of our arguments, he told me to move out in 2 days and find a place for myself. I was not driving back then and he did mention in one of our arguments that he would rather be single. He did apologize for those, but I am the person that really can remember pretty much every important thing, and I can't just let go of it. What I'm saying is he did ask for divorced before and so I just think that maybe that is what he truly wants and he is just waiting for me to say it.

I know there are always 2 sides of the story. These may not be everything but these I mentioned above are my concerns and I would like to know what people do if they have fights with their spouse. I am trying to figure out what I have done wrong or should improve.

Thank you for listening.

Edited October 11, 2016 by Crazylove

[Ervie and Rob 34]

If what to improve on with what you narrated you need to have a fresh eyes looking at your husband. This time around instead of noticing his mistakes look for the good stuff. Men like to be appreciated. But the hardest part is forgiving and forgetting.. it takes two forgiving souls to make a marriage work.

You said you love your husband so let me leave you with this verses and hope youll find a deeper meaning of what love is and examine yourself if you have actually came close of perfecting this love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[Sagot 1,548]

Thank you for all your thoughts, I respect and appreciate it.

Greenbaun, I am not sure if the hug thing will work anymore. Our fight has gotten worst. There isn't a 3rd party nor physical abuse. It's mostly verbally that we just keep insisting what we think we believe.

I have been here in US for 4 years. I have no family neither relatives in the US. These fights/arguments we have been having I don't tell it to my parents, sister or close cousin. My husband has a good image to my family and my family believe that I have a happy stress free life in the US. I came here in the US for love and my daughter, my ex bf had left and run away when he got me pregnant and as a parent I want the best for my daughter, I want her to grow up having a dad that will be there for her.

I am not saying I have never did anything wrong, in fact, one of the last fight we had is I did move my stuff out (not all of them) and went to my friend. I know it was wrong. I was being impulsive. I came back couple hours later because I realized it was wrong that I should not run. My husband came home from work and did not see me and my suitcase around. Did not call me but instead took half of the money out from our savings and told me I came back because of the money. I did not even thought of taking money out from the bank when I left. I guess I was just expecting him to find me or call me. and Im also a sensitive person (some tampo) that if he say something I get offended or mad.

My husband and I have a big age gap. He is divorced and had a horrible marriage. Ex wife had taken all their money when my husband was getting paid towards their divorce. I work full time. I work nights so I can take care of the kids to school in the morning because husband works during the day. I do send money to the philippines from my paycheck. But it is only $100-$150 a month. If anything my husband tell me to send more, but Im the person that really look closely to our expenses and my husband is the generous one which I am lucky of that. I pay my car payment and get some groceries or food if husband is not having enough money from his paycheck. I help out with our expenses if we have enough and the rest of my paycheck goes to our joint account. My husband pays for the bills and etc. the thing is whatever I do, my sacrifices, I don't use it against him, my husband do. He tells me that I am not being appreciative and thankful for what we have and tells me all the things he have done for me and my daughter.

When we started having arguments we are able to fix it right away, but now it's just getting worst. I do shut down when I'm mad because I really don't like saying anything that I will regret and make him mad. Husband is the exact opposite. He will make you talk and he will keep talking. I do not like discussing or arguing especially when we have his son because it does not make me feel good. I told my husband that but he will just keep talking, this last argument, I did not talk because really I am getting tired of arguing. We don't listen to each other anyway. He yelled at me and cuss me out in our bedroom while the door is open and his son and my daughter are in the living room, obviously the kids can here us. We only live in a 900 sqft house. He even told the kids that they need to leave the house so there won't be stuff all around the house. (Clutters, because I always keep the house clean)and when I called my daughter he reacted and said in front of the kids that I am telling my daughter not to hang out with them. I did not tell her that, I just told my daughter to come w me, because I do not want him to think that I am just leaving my daughter to him. I am open and told my daughter that if she wanted to hang out with them it is totally fine. Yet on the arguments he tells me I am manipulating my daughter. I do not manipulate her! If anything, I tell my daughter to talk to daddy or text him.(my daughter believe that my husband is her real dad) I do yell at my daughter and I am trying to work on not yelling to her. Kids in the Philippines are raised different than here. But I do not physically hurt nor drug my daughter compare to my husband ex wife, she did that to her kids and even called cops on them.

I told my husband that we should see a marriage counselor. He said he is ok with but yet not asking me to do it after we talk about it. He told me that I do need help and he think he don't. In my opinion he do not believe to those people because he did go to counseling after his first divorced and he said it is a lot of money.

I had ask my husband for divorced the last couple times of argument. Not because I don't love him anymore but thinking that this might be the best for us because we have been fighting a lot. I just don't want to hurt him anymore or each others feeling. My husband was the very first one that had asked me to get a divorced couple times 2 years ago that he will bring the paperwork for us to sign and one of our arguments, he told me to move out in 2 days and find a place for myself. I was not driving back then and he did mention in one of our arguments that he would rather be single. He did apologize for those, but I am the person that really can remember pretty much every important thing, and I can't just let go of it. What I'm saying is he did ask for divorced before and so I just think that maybe that is what he truly wants and he is just waiting for me to say it.

I know there are always 2 sides of the story. These may not be everything but these I mentioned above are my concerns and I would like to know what people do if they have fights with their spouse. I am trying to figure out what I have done wrong or should improve.

Thank you for listening.

One reason your husband keeps talking is "guy feel the need to fix things" and not talking in their minds is not "fixing", so they want to talk it out, when sometimes letting the flames subside is the better choice. In most arguments there is no real right or wrong it is just different view points, each accepting the other is the goal.

Walking out, asking for a divorce and a few other things are all tossing fuel onto the fire (he has huge scars in this area)... just my opinion. I know this is not all one sided but at some point if you two don't actually sit down to talk and leave the hurt feeling at the curb ... well you know where it will end. I don't mean you need a counselor, you just need to talking without either feeling they are being "attacked" or blamed. JMHO

[Tahoma 2,292]

You guys need to learn some communication skills. A counselor can teach you how to communicate better.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Remember why you fell n love, that person is still there

Remember why you fell n love, that person is still there

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Do you get away from the kids sometimes for date night or a weekend away ? Just you two for a romantic weekend ?
Maybe go for a marriage retreat to learn how to communicate and appreciate each other ?

Counseling on how to improve communication does work if you both commit yourself to this marriage.

Do you attend a church where you can receive counsel from the pastor ?
Marriage is not a walk in the park but it takes work and respect for one another.

Compromise, meet in the middle, talk it out in a respectful manner.
You say you are tired of arguing, then talk it out and do not argue, have the right tone of voice.

You can't change him, you can only change your own behavior and when you do and he sees a change

in you then I bet he will also work on himself and improve.

Agree to never fight in front of the kids.