Keys to making your marriage work

[taurean 0]

I guess the key is finding out what it will take to keep the marriage together. If in the example that another poster gave that the couple decided together, "No Internet" is the key, then so be it. For us, I think it just comes down to being respectful and understanding of the other's situation and trying to lift each other up. I think someone else said this, but personally I have found that I am much more conscious of what I say nowadays. Using the right words to communicate a point or feeling is essential.

[aitian 0]

I wanted to edit my previous post but it won't let me so here is what I wanted to edit it to:

Equal partners will never work. This is one of the main reasons for divorce today. Today, both partners go into a marriage without knowing who has the final word or say in the family. By having a head of the family ends arguments or disagreements quickly. Do not think of the leader of a family as a tyrant who controls all but as a compassionate person who does compromise even though he knows he does have the final say.

I like to think the head of the family is like the King of Thailand. He has the final word on everything in the country. He can control everything in the country. But he is kind hearted and cares and loves the people of his country. Therefore, the Thai people love him back and submit to him and respect him.

[darkhorse 0]

#1 -good sex

#2 -communication

I have it in that order because if you have both (which we do) I prefer good sex first because it is exercise!!!

We need to stay in shape...

[JoeMama 0]

equal partners will never work. one of the main reasons for divorce today. both partners go into a marriage without knowing who has the final word or say in the family. it ends arguments or disagreements quickly. but a good leader of a family is not a tyrant but a compassionate person who does compromise even though he knows he does have the final say.

I absolutely agree. The fight over who is the dominate one of the family and gets to "stand" to wizz in the toilet, is obviously something that doesn't work. Men are men. Women are women. There's a reason for the difference. No one gender can do everything on their own without something being comprised or lost. What a man is not able to do, a woman makes up the difference. What a woman can't do, the man makes up the difference. It is simply a "partnership". One compliments the other. You certainly don't see a CEO going to the mailroom gathering and sorting the mail to deliver to the workers in a building. They head up the family and each has a job to do to keep the family moving.

I know the pro-feminists are probably getting their rope out. You will be surprised to know that I personally consider the woman the very center strength and heart of the family. Once the heart stops beating, the strength fades as well. A good husband will always know where the strength lies and show his appreciation for his wife. I have respect for women who know that marriage is not a competition with their spouses. Without the strength, it's very difficult to keeping the home environment balanced. Especially for children. Change is not always good. Face it, what's worked for thousands of years worked for a reason.

[featherB 1]

I'm definitely more a fan of the married couple as equal partners, rather than that "obey and submit" #######.

It's not #######, and husband and wife ARE equal in a sense and not in another. If they are truly equal in every sense then men would be able to give birth. Biblical submission doesn't mean obey whatever your husband says. A lot of people seem to read the part about submission and ignore the part about husbands loving their wives, and automatically write it off without even thinking about what it actually says, but what wife wouldn't want to submit to a husband who truly loved her as Christ loves His people - (COMPLETELY SELFLESSLY?) The passage doesn't give husbands the right to act like they are the king and the wife must do whatever they say as if she is a slave. It is not saying that if he tells me to do something bad I must obey and be a doormat, that's garbage. It is saying that if he wants me to do something that is not sinful then I should obey it, and the idea again is NOT that he can be condescending or domineering in any way.

A lot of marriage fall apart BECAUSE the standard God Himself (who designed marriage in the first place) laid out for husbands and wives is NOT followed. No two people are going to agree 100% all the time and yes, in a good marriage, discussion will take place, and ALSO a truly loving husband will consider his wife's opinion instead of automatically assuming that he is the one that knows everything and how things should be done. So in issues like that where agreement cannot come and yet neither answer is sinful, God gives an answer: the husband, who has the God ordained role as head of the home, has the final say. It's not as ridiculous as some of you may think.

Hint: not all of us worship your god, and therefore do not need to obey 'the standard that (your) god himself laid out for all husbands and wives'. Your god hasn't ordained anyone as the head of *my* home, thank you very much.

[JoeMama 0]

I'm definitely more a fan of the married couple as equal partners, rather than that "obey and submit" #######.

It's not #######, and husband and wife ARE equal in a sense and not in another. If they are truly equal in every sense then men would be able to give birth. Biblical submission doesn't mean obey whatever your husband says. A lot of people seem to read the part about submission and ignore the part about husbands loving their wives, and automatically write it off without even thinking about what it actually says, but what wife wouldn't want to submit to a husband who truly loved her as Christ loves His people - (COMPLETELY SELFLESSLY?) The passage doesn't give husbands the right to act like they are the king and the wife must do whatever they say as if she is a slave. It is not saying that if he tells me to do something bad I must obey and be a doormat, that's garbage. It is saying that if he wants me to do something that is not sinful then I should obey it, and the idea again is NOT that he can be condescending or domineering in any way.

A lot of marriage fall apart BECAUSE the standard God Himself (who designed marriage in the first place) laid out for husbands and wives is NOT followed. No two people are going to agree 100% all the time and yes, in a good marriage, discussion will take place, and ALSO a truly loving husband will consider his wife's opinion instead of automatically assuming that he is the one that knows everything and how things should be done. So in issues like that where agreement cannot come and yet neither answer is sinful, God gives an answer: the husband, who has the God ordained role as head of the home, has the final say. It's not as ridiculous as some of you may think.

Very well said. I'll be honest. I'm not a seriously religious person. But I do know common sense when it's presented. All that you said in this post makes good sense to me. I don't need to ask you who your source is

[Caladan 19]

No real substantive comment except to note that if you ran away from American women because they were too materialistic, and in doing so ran to a culture where your primary 'value' to the women was that you were American, wealthy, and could provide a better life, you're seriously kidding yourself if you think you've moved away from a materialistic conception of marriage.

This doesn't say anything bad about you, or your wife; there's lots of ways to have a happy marriage, and a traditional model is one of them. But leave the sermonizing on how your love is pure and perfect because she's not a feminist and wholly dependent on you out of it.

[Otto 83]

I wanted to edit my previous post but it won't let me so here is what I wanted to edit it to:

Equal partners will never work. This is one of the main reasons for divorce today. Today, both partners go into a marriage without knowing who has the final word or say in the family. By having a head of the family ends arguments or disagreements quickly. Do not think of the leader of a family as a tyrant who controls all but as a compassionate person who does compromise even though he knows he does have the final say.

I like to think the head of the family is like the King of Thailand. He has the final word on everything in the country. He can control everything in the country. But he is kind hearted and cares and loves the people of his country. Therefore, the Thai people love him back and submit to him and respect him.

Spoken like a true Cave Man...

[Caladan 19]

It would also be nice if the Christians would acknowledge a couple of things: a) there's billions of people in the world who aren't Christian who manage to have lasting marriages and b ) the Christian conception of marriage is very easily abused, and when the response to 'why does my husband drink and beat me' is 'you're not submissive enough', or 'why haven't you left him, he hurts you' is 'well, I haven't had a job in 20 years and I'd be bankrupt', the marriage is not a success just because the couple hasn't divorced.

[heishe 2]

I think good couples can reach agreements and compromise without having to rely on a pre-ordained pecking order. Men and women are obviously different, but I fail to understand how standing up to pee or giving birth to children justifies a rigid hierarchy of decision-making power.

Abstaining from this submission agreement doesn't mean a wife will be beligerant and argumentative, and it doesn't mean there will be a competition for power in the marriage; good, loving husbands and wives do trust and submit to one another, they work for the common good and cooperate. I just think it's unnecessary and kinda creepy to declare one member of the marriage the final arbiter of any disagreements.

It's definitely a matter of personal preference, though. Everyone has their own vision of an ideal marriage, and they should seek out a spouse with a similar vision. It's no problem for me if someone seeks out a marriage where the husband will be the head of the household and final decision-maker - that's just not the sort of arrangement I would prefer for myself.

[Caladan 19]

It's a mistake to think that 'we're equal' means 'no one ever takes the lead.'

C. and I are people with different strengths. He's a fantastic mechanic and good with his hands. Bah, you say, that's just God's plans, as it also says in Ephesians that men are good at manly things like cars! But he's also better than I am at chopping up vegetables and cleaning (except for vacuuming) and making little crafts or decorating. I'm better at finances, long-term planning, anything involving writing or communication, and I do the vacuuming because he hates it. We split most chores, but I don't touch the mechanical things when he's around and he doesn't get anywhere near the savings account.

If we were to divide this along traditional gender roles, we'd be playing to each other's weaknesses. Why should I be in charge of chopping up vegetables if he can get the pieces neater? Why should he be in charge of the finances when he can't balance a checkbook?

[ivona 0]

It's a mistake to think that 'we're equal' means 'no one ever takes the lead.'

C. and I are people with different strengths. He's a fantastic mechanic and good with his hands. Bah, you say, that's just God's plans, as it also says in Ephesians that men are good at manly things like cars! But he's also better than I am at chopping up vegetables and cleaning (except for vacuuming) and making little crafts or decorating. I'm better at finances, long-term planning, anything involving writing or communication, and I do the vacuuming because he hates it. We split most chores, but I don't touch the mechanical things when he's around and he doesn't get anywhere near the savings account.

If we were to divide this along traditional gender roles, we'd be playing to each other's weaknesses. Why should I be in charge of chopping up vegetables if he can get the pieces neater? Why should he be in charge of the finances when he can't balance a checkbook?

I agree, but I wouldn't call it "taking the lead".

Marriage is a PARTNERSHIP OF EQUALS, two people can still be equall even if their strengths are in different fields- that is what makes marriage a PARTNERSHIP, you each recognize each other strengths and work with them, just like you recognize each others weaknesses and work with them too...

But:

"Head" of the household...

Having a final word...

Wife submit.....

Lord save me

[Together4ever 1]

A happy marriage is had when both people decide to make it so.

[raymaga 25]

I think not making a big deal out of some of the small stuff goes a long way. Something might bother you at the time, but in the long run, it's just not worth having conflict over every single situation.

And..... talk, talk, talk.... not most men's favorite thing to do!!!!

AND.... I don't think anybody should "submit" to anybody else!!!!! (male or female)

Edited March 28, 2007 by raymaga

[derekkj 0]

I wanted to edit my previous post but it won't let me so here is what I wanted to edit it to:

Equal partners will never work. This is one of the main reasons for divorce today. Today, both partners go into a marriage without knowing who has the final word or say in the family. By having a head of the family ends arguments or disagreements quickly. Do not think of the leader of a family as a tyrant who controls all but as a compassionate person who does compromise even though he knows he does have the final say.

Well, equal partners *does* work for Derek and me, and I find your statement to be arrogant at best. All couples are different and what works for one might not not work for another. Certainly to think that all marriages have to follow your rules is just plain foolish. In our case, neither one of us has a "final say". If we have a disagreement about something we both give a little and compromise. Like other posters have noted, our individual strengths and weaknesses certainly play a part in who does what, but we live our lives as a team, not as Me Tarzan You Jane.

I like to think the head of the family is like the King of Thailand. He has the final word on everything in the country. He can control everything in the country. But he is kind hearted and cares and loves the people of his country. Therefore, the Thai people love him back and submit to him and respect him.

Where is Charles' vomiting smiley when I need it?