Bad situation

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

Nope I'm just saying she's complaining about everything she must pay for and how unfair hubby is but doesn't realize the money that goes into the immigration process

You plainly stated that Op's husband paid for her visa fees and for her plain ticket. You don't know that. You also don't know that the OP doesn't realize the money that goes into the immigration process.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Not the only one, I agree with you.

My main question is, would people think this is abuse if the female was the USC?! I know my husband and I had long conversations about where to live, here or Denmark, and we decided since I make significantly more, have a steady job, and disposable income, it is easier for him to move here for the time being. (this way we can afford on day one to fly to Denmark in the event of an emergency (sick family, funeral, etc). But we have also made it clear that ideally once he starts working, he starts contributing! It doesn't make me evil to pressure him into taking some weight off my back, and create a more stable home. But why is it abuse when a husband does this?

The only one that I can see who has referred to what the husband is doing as abuse, is the op. If I missed a post that stated that, then my mistake. I don't think it equates to abuse, but it is some pretty lousy treatment to the person you are supposedly in love with and sharing your life with. And yes, I think it would be lousy no matter if the spouse was male or female, immigrant or not.

ETA: Yes anyone who is working should contribute to the household financially, but what this guy is doing is unreasonable imo.

Edited September 21, 2016 by Teddy B

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

Not the only one, I agree with you.

My main question is, would people think this is abuse if the female was the USC?! I know my husband and I had long conversations about where to live, here or Denmark, and we decided since I make significantly more, have a steady job, and disposable income, it is easier for him to move here for the time being. (this way we can afford on day one to fly to Denmark in the event of an emergency (sick family, funeral, etc). But we have also made it clear that ideally once he starts working, he starts contributing! It doesn't make me evil to pressure him into taking some weight off my back, and create a more stable home. But why is it abuse when a husband does this?

She is contributing. She already says she is paying for her clothes, phone bill, etc. You are acting like OP has refused to pay anything at all, which isn't the situation.

But expecting her to figure out health insurance when she was working part time and making $90 a week, pay half of the bills when she likely is not making as much as he is, and just the generally callous attitude he has towards the person he married and pledged his life to does not seem reasonable.

It's wonderful that you and your husband came to an agreement before hand that you both understand and honored, but from what OP said it seems like the agreement her and her husband made, were he said he would support her, is not being fully held up on his end.

Not sure why you brought gender into it.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Not the only one, I agree with you.

My main question is, would people think this is abuse if the female was the USC?! I know my husband and I had long conversations about where to live, here or Denmark, and we decided since I make significantly more, have a steady job, and disposable income, it is easier for him to move here for the time being. (this way we can afford on day one to fly to Denmark in the event of an emergency (sick family, funeral, etc). But we have also made it clear that ideally once he starts working, he starts contributing! It doesn't make me evil to pressure him into taking some weight off my back, and create a more stable home. But why is it abuse when a husband does this?

Okay, but if he make $90/week are you going to ask him to pay half your rent? It doesn't matter the gender of the spouses, he is not helping her get her feet steady in the US.

[JenniferNangel 137]

Not the only one, I agree with you.

My main question is, would people think this is abuse if the female was the USC?! I know my husband and I had long conversations about where to live, here or Denmark, and we decided since I make significantly more, have a steady job, and disposable income, it is easier for him to move here for the time being. (this way we can afford on day one to fly to Denmark in the event of an emergency (sick family, funeral, etc). But we have also made it clear that ideally once he starts working, he starts contributing! It doesn't make me evil to pressure him into taking some weight off my back, and create a more stable home. But why is it abuse when a husband does this?

I'm glad someone does. Me and my husband talked about staying here in dr but once we got pregnant we decided it's best for our baby to be in USA I've also known my husband 3 years as a friend before we persuaded a relationship so I know how he is as a person. I feel lucky that he wants me to stay home with our child but if he thinks that we both should work than I'm ok with that as well. I really believed she thought she could work and buy whatever she wanted and he'd take care of her with the house and what not but its not always that way. The way her husband is my father was the same way so maybe that's why I see it as normal like I said before not all men want to take care of their wife I would think some independence would be a good thing in a marriage and who knows what really goes on behind closed doors we only know what the wife is saying to us I just really think she is all over the place where one minute she pays half the bills than she pays whole. Maybe the husband gets up early in the morning to go to work and doesn't want to drive late at night to pick up his wife.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Okay, but if he make $90/week are you going to ask him to pay half your rent? It doesn't matter the gender of the spouses, he is not helping her get her feet steady in the US.

It truly is cruel to take someone away from everything they've ever known their whole life including family and friends and then when they get here give them little to no support in making a life for themselves.

[Ciyara 11]

As a fairly new LPR her credit and job history might not allow her to secure a car loan, and based on her posts I doubt her husband is willing to co-sign or purchase her a vehicle in his name and alow her to make payments. Also there will be auto insurance and registration fees she will need to come up with.

i can't afford it auto school plus credit and plus the expenses that i have i only have 200$ on my account now and i have to pay tonight 23 $ for my ride home and tmrw not easy

[Ciyara 11]

I guess I'm the only one that thinks the husband is not unreasonable. He doesn't have to drive her anywhere he doesn't have to add her to his insurance he doesn't have to pamper her when she sick that's life some men are like that just like some men will do anything for their wife no questions asked. I don't think she honestly knew this man well enough before they decided to marry but it's not fair at all calling him abusive

if you notice I didn't say any abuse i was describing my situation yes I thought I knew him

[Teddy B 17,252]

i can't afford it auto school plus credit and plus the expenses that i have i only have 200$ on my account now and i have to pay tonight 23 $ for my ride home and tmrw not easy

I agree that you can't afford it. What city do you work in? Massachusetts has a ride share and carpool program that you might be able to utilize. The link is below. Is there anyone from your work that you could maybe get a ride from in exchange for gas money?

https://blog.mass.gov/blog/transportation-2/carpooling-and-ride-share-options-in-massachusetts-2/

[BethyWink 96]

She is contributing. She already says she is paying for her clothes, phone bill, etc. You are acting like OP has refused to pay anything at all, which isn't the situation.

But expecting her to figure out health insurance when she was working part time and making $90 a week, pay half of the bills when she likely is not making as much as he is, and just the generally callous attitude he has towards the person he married and pledged his life to does not seem reasonable.

It's wonderful that you and your husband came to an agreement before hand that you both understand and honored, but from what OP said it seems like the agreement her and her husband made, were he said he would support her, is not being fully held up on his end.

Not sure why you brought gender into it.

She is making 300 a week, which equals out to 15k a year... a perfectly liveable wage.

[Ciyara 11]

Why can't the husband come pick you up at 11pm?

It's just such a huge waste of resources to spend nearly HALF your income on taxis.

I know there are bigger fish to fry here, but it seems like both members of this couple have some serious financial planning deficiencies.

OP: Did you husband agree that you should take this job, wasting half of it on cabs? It's almost equal to your $90 /week job if the commuting was free.

that was my first job my second and the one that im working now i make 300$ week yes i need experience and he didn't support me to go to school so working is better

[Ciyara 11]

I'm glad someone does. Me and my husband talked about staying here in dr but once we got pregnant we decided it's best for our baby to be in USA I've also known my husband 3 years as a friend before we persuaded a relationship so I know how he is as a person. I feel lucky that he wants me to stay home with our child but if he thinks that we both should work than I'm ok with that as well. I really believed she thought she could work and buy whatever she wanted and he'd take care of her with the house and what not but its not always that way. The way her husband is my father was the same way so maybe that's why I see it as normal like I said before not all men want to take care of their wife I would think some independence would be a good thing in a marriage and who knows what really goes on behind closed doors we only know what the wife is saying to us I just really think she is all over the place where one minute she pays half the bills than she pays whole. Maybe the husband gets up early in the morning to go to work and doesn't want to drive late at night to pick up his wife.

just to let you know that most of the things that i was buying also they were dishes oven things for house because he had nothing when I first came to usa i was the only one taking care of that I don't complain but thank you im not what you think im sorry

[JenniferNangel 137]

just to let you know that most of the things that i was buying also they were dishes oven things for house because he had nothing when I first came to usa i was the only one taking care of that I don't complain but thank you im not what you think im sorry

You do realize that's normal responsibility of being a home owner/renter ?? If you want to cook you need dishes. It really seems like you are complaining but now your not so ok

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

She is making 300 a week, which equals out to 15k a year... a perfectly liveable wage.

Bwahahha, what??? That's below the poverty line.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

that was my first job my second and the one that im working now i make 300$ week yes i need experience and he didn't support me to go to school so working is better

I know you have a different job now. But let's say your $90 a week job was within walking distance. You made $90/week.

Now you make $300/week, but it costs you $125/week to get that $300. So you make $175/week. It's important to calculate the costs of transportation when you accept a job. This job is a little better than the old one, but not by so much.