Spousal Issues

[TheResistance 6]

I appreciate what you all saying. I do not deny I live her. It is hard to just stop. She does not want to be without me, but she does not want to be near the kids. My ex will take away the kids from me as she does not want them all mingling again. I am conflicted and tired and confused. My wife says she wants me to just be happy, even if it means divorce. If I divorce her, I am destroying her life and everything she gave up. If I end up keeping her, she and the kids can never be together. And still, she could explode into another rage. I can take a slap physically easily. I am built. What I could not take was the emotions that hit me. I am the only one to make the ultimate decision, and I will not lose my kids. Guess I made up my mind? I have to destroy the rest of her life, as she helped destroy this marriage? I am never, ever going to get involved with people again if this is the case. This is not what God intended for us to do.But my kid's safety, them not being around when she has a rage like that, is my priority.

[Rc123rc 528]

Question: Whose biological kids do they belong? You are talking like typical person in abusiveness relationship trying to find excuses to keep going with the relationship. Please don't. Safety first. Emotional well being first. .You are trying to deal with a dangerous person. What happens if you are not there and she does something to the kids or burns the house down? Can you live with that? Do what others have suggested. Calmly, and I mean it... Calmy grant her wish and get her on a plane. If she says, "You don't love me, why would you send me home." Don't argue with her for anything. Absolutely do not argue with her. Walk away. Don't say a word. Stay calm. This way, she loses power over the situation. If she cuts herself. Dial 911. Let the emergency people handle it. They will put her in 51/50 situation.

[Boiler 45,585]

I remember the OP's previous posts, well many of them.

They are educative.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I appreciate what you all saying. I do not deny I live her. It is hard to just stop. She does not want to be without me, but she does not want to be near the kids. My ex will take away the kids from me as she does not want them all mingling again. I am conflicted and tired and confused. My wife says she wants me to just be happy, even if it means divorce. If I divorce her, I am destroying her life and everything she gave up. If I end up keeping her, she and the kids can never be together. And still, she could explode into another rage. I can take a slap physically easily. I am built. What I could not take was the emotions that hit me. I am the only one to make the ultimate decision, and I will not lose my kids. Guess I made up my mind? I have to destroy the rest of her life, as she helped destroy this marriage? I am never, ever going to get involved with people again if this is the case. This is not what God intended for us to do.But my kid's safety, them not being around when she has a rage like that, is my priority.

She is emotionally abusing you. She is making it seem like she is an angel ("I just want you to be happy") and that you are a monster ("If you divorce me you will ruin my life").

She is making YOU decide, and no matter what choice you make, you are a monster and she is an "innocent victim". Either you ship your kids off to your ex, or you ruin your new wife's life. Why would you choose her, a woman from the internet, over your own children?

She throws stuff and hits you until you hit her back (or in this case, restrain her). She wants you to do that so she can leave you and get a Greencard on her own by claiming abuse.

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

If she wants to go back home, then the best option it seems for everyone involved is to find a way to make that happen asap.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

I remember the OP's previous posts, well many of them.

They are educative.

Not surprising at all

[Merrytooth 5,748]

I appreciate what you all saying. I do not deny I live her. It is hard to just stop. She does not want to be without me, but she does not want to be near the kids. My ex will take away the kids from me as she does not want them all mingling again. I am conflicted and tired and confused. My wife says she wants me to just be happy, even if it means divorce. If I divorce her, I am destroying her life and everything she gave up.

She gave up what? You are the one sending her money to survive while she is in Philippines waiting for visa process.

Zero to begin with, so nothing much to lose anyway if she goes home.

If I end up keeping her, she and the kids can never be together. And still, she could explode into another rage. I can take a slap physically easily. I am built. What I could not take was the emotions that hit me. I am the only one to make the ultimate decision, and I will not lose my kids. Guess I made up my mind? I have to destroy the rest of her life, as she helped destroy this marriage? I am never, ever going to get involved with people again if this is the case. This is not what God intended for us to do.But my kid's safety, them not being around when she has a rage like that, is my priority.

Don't be that dense or stupid. Think with your big brain.

Your current priority NOW should be your kids. She can stay with her friends till you come up the money to buy her a plane ticket home.

DO NOT EVER come in contact with her ALONE, in case she set you up with domestic violence charge.

Then your future is truly doomed and lose your kids custody.

[Scandi 4,167]

This is one of those situations that'll end with the man not knowing what to do anymore and he'll hit her out of pure frustration and regret it the second after. BUT, it happened, meaning she'll most likely report him and he'll get into big trouble.

Leave her, get rid of her, throw her ### out before it gets to that point. I know you'll say "I'd never hit a woman", good for you. But you probably also said "I'll never end up in a relationship that bad" before you brought her here. Point is; happens, and you should try your very best to avoid happening. Get rid of her, now.

The justice system will have zero understanding for a man who has been both physically and emotionally abused for a long time and who finally snaps out of sheer frustration. Don't let it get to that point, throw her out.

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

Are the kids YOUR biological kids?

Like others have said, NEVER put your hands on her, even if only to restrain her. If she gets violent, call 911 and tell them that she is out of control and you fear for your life and your kids. They will be there in minutes.

Edited September 19, 2016 by Eric-Pris

[amul 229]

She does not want to be without me, but she does not want to be near the kids. My ex will take away the kids from me as she does not want them all mingling again. I am conflicted and tired and confused.

When she agreed to be with a man with kids from a previous relationship, she agreed to a life with his kids as well. You cannot ask your spouse to simply "get rid" of his/her kids because you cannot stand "their mess".

I won't touch on what might be her reasons, because I find it a waste of time. Anyone who is violent to kids does not deserve much time or compassion (from my end). Ok, moving on...

I'd change the locks and contact a lawyer right away. If you need to face her, have someone with you. Never, ever, (ever!) have your kids subjected to this violent lunatic of a woman (granted I think she might have PTSD or something similar to it).

Your kids come first, always! You (and their mother/your ex) are their rock(s), so what kind of a rock do you want to be? One that they can lean on, look up to or one that they will need to endure, hold up and then try to run away from?

I married a package deal once and raised my step kid with so much love and joy -- now the tables have turned around and my new life-mate has taken on a similar duty. We went in it with eyes wide open and always with the intention that these kids come first.

Take care of yourself (by eliminating toxic situations) so that you can be there for the ones that need & depend on you.

My best to you and your kids!

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

From reading your story.. You should know better than to "restrain" her.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

It's time to abandon the ship.. The ting with abusers is that they feed on your vulnerabilities. They suck you in and kick you right back.

You can't stay on a sinking ship and continue to use a bowl to drain the water on board.

It is going to destroy you with it. She is using empty threats against you and you are falling for it.

Words and people have as much power as you give them.

No one can help you more than you are willing to help yourself. Don't allow someone to stomp on you for the sake of love. If those kids are yours, get them and get away from her. You don't want to get arrested based on her lies. And trust me, those little "marks" can give you a huge problem.

You shoot yourself in the foot by staying in the place where you claim to be scared to be.

Dont wait for this ship to sink with you on board.

Good luck to you.

[Auds 223]

She sounds terribly frustrated whatever her reasoning and whatever her side of the story - you may actually not be a great husband. Maybe its the tough financials, many of us women can get frustrated if our story doesn't turn out the way we thought it out...

But - The fact that she doesn't care about the kids, would disturb them, possibly hurt them - its over. Let her go.

I have been on the other end of severe abuse, worse than I have every heard or watched in a movie even or ever known. I live to tell the tale and life will get better if you take the right decision. Chin up to you.

[yuna628 9,678]

I remember the OP's previous posts, well many of them.

They are educative.

I remember too.

They sure are. ..

Kind of odd how the OP says he wants wife to work and that it's the SSA's fault... well she can't work anyway because AOS was never filed. She is currently out of status in this country, with no legal ability to work or live or do anything, iirc she hadn't at once point even got her name on the lease or mailbox, and I'm not even sure at this point if she has access to health insurance.

OP if you have reached multiple points where you feel it's prudent to place your hands on your wife and 'restrain' her, it is not a responsibility of a husband to do. If you feel she has assaulted you, or your kids, then it is a matter for the police, and instead of involving yourself in the situation where you are now, the police should have been called. If her family told her she would be unhappy with you, and she does believe she is unhappy, and neither one of you wish to take steps to sort out the marriage and get her legal - then dissolve the marriage and send her home where she belongs and where she is safe and happy and where you can get yourself into a better situation. Send her home. Seek an attorney, get divorced, and move on. Your responsibility is to your kids as a father and to yourself.

[jstryker 41]

rc, I appreciate what you are saying. I had no choice but to restrain her, to keep from her waking and scaring the kids, but two days after (today) that was enough. I gave her many chances to calm down, but I do not know how much more this apartment or her being disturbing while the kids are sleeping (playing her games on her phone loud to get back at me) can take.

Jaw, I thought after 2.5 years, I knew her. I seen her stressed and angry online, but different story when she moved in (April 2016).

One year difference in age.

I wish they did do a psych test on her before she came her. Maybe they would have found something.She has some serious OCD which stresses her out to these situations.

No, I can not afford any help. I will empty what is left in my 401k (had to use since 2011 layoff, near empty now) to buy her a ticket and fly her home. Other than that, I can not even buy food for the week. So, no, can not afford one.

Go get a NEST video camera that uploads to the internet... or ANY video camera. Did she have a troubled life back in the philippines?