Letting Him in...

[GabachaYucateca 0]

X-posted in moving here forum

I'm interested in hearing about people's experiences with finally having their partner in the US when they've never been here before.

We've been together for so long, and I know his world so well. In fact, I lived in it for 5 years. Even when I went to visit him, it felt like going home since everything was so familiar to me. But I don't know how to act as a non-English speaking couple in the States! I'm perfectly comfortable with this in Mexico, but I have the feeling that once he's here, I'll never see the place that I spent the first 18 years of my life and the last 2 the same way again.

I know that we'll never really be fully part of the community I come from, nor fully part of the Latino population here. Not a bad thing by any means, as I'm always happiest and most alive when I'm slightly uncomfortable, but this'll be a whole new world for me here too.

This hasn't really come out as a question, but I guess I'm wondering if you all felt, well, weird to have your limited English speaking SO with you at first.

[jlvr 1]

I don't know if it's the same, but I think about that, too. My fiance is from an English speaking country but I expect that there will be major culture shock. Just getting used to the pace and the way things are done here will be an adjustment for him. I think that I will also be looking at my surroundings in a whole different way.

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Where will you live? Not the exact address, just the city or state.

Don't want you to think I'm a weirdo!

[Mononoke28 135]

Hanging out with your "American" friends will never be the same because it's going to be a strange fit. You just have to remind yourselves that you're different but in a very good way. I was born in Colombia but raised in the States and I know that once my husband comes to live with me, I will distance myself from my friends because of the cultural differences, not to mention the language barrier. And... so what? I'd rather be with him than with anybody else. I plan on starting a new life with him and my family (since they're also Colombians), new traditions, new routines, new everything. You'll find that you'll start gravitating towards couples that are similar to you and you'll start new friendships that way. That is if you live in a culturally diverse city. If not, that's ok too. Like I said, this is all going to be new and it's easier to let go of the past and look into the future with a smile.

[jlvr 1]

Where will you live? Not the exact address, just the city or state.

Living in the south. I don't worry about distancing from friends because I think he'll fit in fine in that regard. As a matter of fact, I look forward to my family and friends helping to ease his transition. A couple of my friends have already met him and other friends will meet him on my next trip to see him.

[athena_ny 1]

Hanging out with your "American" friends will never be the same because it's going to be a strange fit. You just have to remind yourselves that you're different but in a very good way. I was born in Colombia but raised in the States and I know that once my husband comes to live with me, I will distance myself from my friends because of the cultural differences, not to mention the language barrier. And... so what? I'd rather be with him than with anybody else. I plan on starting a new life with him and my family (since they're also Colombians), new traditions, new routines, new everything. You'll find that you'll start gravitating towards couples that are similar to you and you'll start new friendships that way. That is if you live in a culturally diverse city. If not, that's ok too. Like I said, this is all going to be new and it's easier to let go of the past and look into the future with a smile.

I don't talk to a lot of my friends from back home anymore. (Our situation was different - he was in the states pursuing his father's wrongful death lawsuit, meaning he had to make a life here as well. Met in NY, where I lived, he lived in FL. Visited a few times, then I moved here to the south!) I've had to fit into HIS world more than him fitting into mine. He wouldn't fit into mine - my (mostly white, yes) American friends had plenty to say about my relationship and they didn't even know him. All Spanish guys are perverts (yes, I had a friend convinced of this) and when I told one that I'd married him, her response? "Wow. WEIRD!" Meanwhile, his family and community opened me with open arms. His sisters call, and I've only met one of them, and as long as I can speak Spanish at the time (when I'm really tired etc I have a hard time) they talk to me like an old friend. My mother has been wonderful (she's only met him twice, though) .. my dad not so much, but he's okay. My brother is too happy to have a "brother" to care about anything else - but as far as the friends, etc. I haven't been successful in maintaining old relationships in general - how can I when all I get is insults about my relationship - and it's only b/c he's from another country. We tend to hang out with a lot of couples who are a white American female (like me) and a south American male (him).

I was lucky in that he was more accustomed to American culture than most fiances/fiancees will be. There are still things that he does that I think are weird - mayonnaise on french fries (and it's his WHOLE family - they have some sauce in peru they put in fries thats similar), trying to save the wrapping paper from Christmas presents, not throwing away the smallest amt of food. But there are things i do that are weird too, I guess.

And even though the OP is so used to speaking Spanish, I'd make an effort to speak English to better his. My husband was here for a long time before he met me, but when I moved in with him, his English got a ton better. In the last 8 months, his ability has doubled.

Good luck!

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Thanks for these thoughtful responses!

I especially liked what you said about gravitating toward similar couples...and yes, we will live in a culturally diverse area!

We've tried to speak English together, and it just doesn't work! I asked him on the phone a few nights ago if e thought that we'd speak more English in the States, or even if he wanted to. He agreed that we were kind of past that point to be able to, but my father is already planning on doing a lot of stuff with Edgar (like taking him out on errands, planning to teach him to fly fish) so that'll be excellent practice for him. And I teac ESL, so I can give him homework while I'm working!

[mollyreyna 0]

Thanks for starting this discussion, it's really interesting.

I absolutely cannot wait for my husband to join me in the US but I have no idea what to expect. He speaks about 2 words of English. His native language is Spanish but we speak Italian together (my Spanish is not very good). So it's not like we can hang out with other Hispanic couples like you guys. Also, there are very few Italians around here so we don't have that option.

He insisted on coming to America, leaving his mom and brother in Italy. He is giving up his Italian work documents in Italy, and won't be able to enter Italy anymore without a visitor's visa since they don't have a Visa Waiver Program for Ecuadorian nationals.

He tells me not to worry, that he will love being here, as long as we are together.

I hope he likes it here.

[AnaAndDaniel 0]

cool thread!

it has been over a year now that Ana has been here. We spend most of our ime together. She made a friend via her ESL class. Most weekends we spend some time with my family. Ocassionally we attend social events by a handful of my firends. They've all taken to Ana like bees on honey. Ana has always been able to integrate into differenta social groups back home so it has not been tough for here here. We are starinting to make an effort to integrate ourselves with local churh members.

But, like nay other couple, it it touggh making time and energy for that extra effort that requires. We both work, (oh! that helps Ana a lot too), then thehousehold chores, "us" time, etc...

Daniel

:energetic:

[Mononoke28 135]

The thing is, once they get here it will be a new life for us. We can't hold on to the past, if he blends in with my old friends, great. If not, we'll make new friends. And we can't make new friends, we still have each other which is all that matters.

[jlvr 1]

Thanks for starting this discussion, it's really interesting.

I absolutely cannot wait for my husband to join me in the US but I have no idea what to expect. He speaks about 2 words of English. His native language is Spanish but we speak Italian together (my Spanish is not very good). So it's not like we can hang out with other Hispanic couples like you guys. Also, there are very few Italians around here so we don't have that option.

He insisted on coming to America, leaving his mom and brother in Italy. He is giving up his Italian work documents in Italy, and won't be able to enter Italy anymore without a visitor's visa since they don't have a Visa Waiver Program for Ecuadorian nationals.

He tells me not to worry, that he will love being here, as long as we are together.

I hope he likes it here.

That's so cool that you don't speak Spanish and he doesn't speak English but you both speak Italian.

[bdesj 0]

Most of my wife`s family lives within fifteen minutes of us, so that was a big help. She also met a few people through ESL classes and work and now probably knows more people in my home town than I do! Since most of my freinds are Mexican (half are now my inlaws), there wasn`t any problem with her integrating. On the other hand, I find that my family has been trying- with pretty good success- to integrate into the Mexican culture here since they get invited frequently to birthday parties, quincaneras, posadas, etc. In September, I even took my folks to Guadalajara with me to visit my wife and my inlaws. It was an interresting trip to say the least.

Here`s a related question that I asked in another thread and so far nobody has answered: Has anyone brought a spouse from another country and had so many problems with US life and culture that they ended up just going home?

[GabachaYucateca 0]

Good question, bdesj! I will answer that in a couple of years!

And I loved your answer, mononoke...I like your attitude, and I hope that I have the same one come June!

[tijuanahilton 0]

these stories are all so fascinating to me. Maybe it's because we're into the same kind of counterculture stuff, but Marco's got a ton of internet friends here in LA, will fit in with my friends no problem, so so English or not, and he is going to go insane with all the shows, stores, music, vegetarian food, you name it. I'm afraid he's going to forget me in the euphoria of being in LA where there's so much acccess to everything he's into. Also, Long Beach is a really awesome melting pot where people speak everything from Khmer (we're the biggest population outside of Cambodia) to Spanish to Gujurati, so I so have no worries about culture shock. Now I just can't wait for it to all happen. In other news, Gabacha, how long did it take Juarez to get that packet out to you?

-tj

[rob&ana 0]

This is definitely an interesting thread. And I might not be the best person to reply since I am the immigrating part of my relationship. But I guess it will help you guys see a little bit of the other side. And yes, I spoke English well before moving here, but it’s SO much different when you’re immersed on it, speaking and listening to English 24/7. At times I thought my head was going to explode, and some others I felt like I had a knot tied in my tongue and words wouldn’t come out the way I was thinking them.

It is a huge change to move to a new place, I am sure you’re all aware of that. Leaving family, friends and the world as you know it behind, is a huge step, but its also something your SO should think long and thoroughly before deciding on the move. Because even speaking the language, it was a pretty tough transition for me, in spite of being welcomed very warmly by his family and friends. My husband’s family couldn’t be better, even trying to find Latino groups in the area, learning about my country and my culture. Like Daniel’s friends, my husband’s friends were all so interested in meeting me and making me feel like I was another old friend. But it just happens that there are cultural differences, it just happens that when you grow up with your friends (back home), it’s pretty tough to make ‘new friends’ that have different traditions, they don’t share your highschool/college stories, and that are simply ‘different’ from what you’re used to.

And it’s true, that you have each other, it’s true that you don’t need to make new friends… but it’s only true to an extent. And both parties have to commit to trying to integrate, and trying to fit. I’ve always seen relationships as a guy and a girl, and a whole world turning between them, the magic is that the guy and a girl are holding hands and never letting go, no matter how fast or slow that world turns between them.

What did my husband do to make me feel at home?, he was there for me all the time but he also encouraged me to do things on my own (made me feel protected and independent at the same time), and when introducing me to his friends, it was never like I was special because I came from another country, I was special because he had chosen me to spend the rest of his life with him, and we did spend a lot of time together alone, taking road trips, even driving around the city so I could learn my way around, or simply hanging out at home, and oh my God, did we talk, we talked about the things I liked, I disliked, the things I’d try to get used to, the things I didn’t want to get used to, we learned and we grew, and after 18 months (more or less) we’re still learning and growing.

I hope this helped a little bit, and even though it might not be real advice, at least it’d give some insight on how it goes when you come to a new country…

Good luck to all of you and I hope you’re processes go fast and without problems.

Ana