Dealing with family prejudices

[JFH 12,191]

Although I've not made the move to the USA yet, there is something that is bothering me that I feel will only get worse when I move so I wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience.

Many members of my family have a very negative opinion of all things American. They have this idea that all Americans carry guns, are poorly educated, loud, have never travelled, eat fast food round the clock, are ignorant of other countries and think they are a superior race. They have not met many Americans. They haven't even met my husband (and have no desire to). They are constantly making sarcastic and even offensive comments about American people and how life is there. I'm also offended that they would think that I would marry someone who would fit into this category. My husband doesn't own a gun and never will (he's actually not allowed to as he has a felony but that's by the by...), he's an artist and very individual. Hair down almost to his waist, makes his own clothes, grows his own organic vegetables, converted a shipping container into a cabin to live in. He's a very peaceful man. He does yoga and meditation.

Because of his felony my husband is banned from the UK. My sister-in-law recently asked "when are we going to meet this so-called husband of yours?" The "so-called" was very offensive but I didn't rise to it. I said "buy yourself a ticket to Seattle when I'm there and you can stay as long as you can, as often as you can. Everyone is welcome." Her response was "go to America? No way!"

My family have also made comments that I will "turn into an American". I asked what they meant by this. "Rude, obnoxious, demanding" were some of the answers I heard. I really am offended that they think I will turn into a horrible person just because I'm in a different location. Fortunately my family are in the minority here. Among work colleagues I've not had any negativity - jealousy from some, that's for sure. But not this kind of comment. And I would hope that anyone I work with who does have a negative opinion of Americans would just keep it to themselves when I'm around. Although I work in air travel so the people I work with are well-travelled and more open-minded. But because it's my family it hurts all the more. If it were the neighbours who had these opinions I would just ignore them. But not my family.

Has anyone faced this kind of thing from family because they are moving to the US? I feel that they won't ever visit me there.

[taylor&ilies 5]

I'm sorry about your situation. My experiences aren't exactly the same but I resonate a lot with what you've described. I'm an American living in France with my fiance (we are in the process of filing for a k1 visa) for a year now and prior to that, I was living here off and on for 2 years. I have experienced a lot of negativity just because I'm American and unfortunately many people generalize many things and assume it applies to all Americans. It offends me when people automatically assume all the things you've described (Americans are poorly educated, loud, blah blah). I'm also constantly asked about what is wrong the people in my country, especially from all the news that surrounds negative events.

The truth is, and what many people fail to realize, is America is HUGE and there are so so so many different types of people. Granted, you will obviously find poorly educated, rude, obnoxious Americans. But you'll find those types of people in every country- for sure they exist in France. But there are so many Americans who are completely opposite of that- kind, welcoming, very well educated, etc. I know you yourself doesn't need convincing, and in the end the truth is words may not be enough to convince them to change their mentality.

I'm not sure how long you've been with your husband, but I think time is the only factor that could make a real difference. Perhaps once your family sees that after you've lived in America, you're still the same person and have not "turned into an American". And maybe after time they will come to visit and realize first hand that America/Americans cannot be summed up in a few words. Before my fiance visited America he had a very different view, but he has come to love America and especially the kindness he received from the people there. We are hoping to bring his family there soon too so that they can see for themselves- it’s only taken them 4 years to begin to accept that my fiancé are staying together.

In any case, I do wish you the best of luck and I hope that your family tries to be more accepting.

[EmilyW 1,543]

Oh man, OP, I feel your pain.

We've been here six months and have been loving every minute of it, but everytime we talk to someone from Australia, it's all the same stereotypical garbage your family spout.

Oh the kids will turn out dumb - actually, idiots, our kids struggled when they first got here because they had not been taught basics by the Australian school system around multiplication, division, basic grammar, comprehension. The US kids were streets ahead of ours and ours had to work hard to catch up.

Oh there are guns everywhere - there are in terms of ownership. It doesn't mean they go around waving them about. We live in a concealed carry state. I'm sure the guns are there but I've not seen one in six months other than the ones attached to a cop or the ones locked in cabinets in stores.

Oh they are ignorant - mmm, this is always interesting. I think many Americans are insular and don't know alot about the world outside of their borders. Is this ignorance? Perhaps. What I do know is that Americans are naturally curious. As soon as they hear our accents, they ask questions and want to know more about where we come from, our politics, geography, climate, economy. There is a curiosity there. Unfortunately, people tend to conflate knowledge of the world and ignorance. I know people who spout alot about politics and world affairs and they are as dumb as a shoe.

Oh, they never travel - another interesting one. Honestly, I'd prefer an American in an RV than a sloppy Brit on a cheap holiday in Spain or a loud mouth bogan Australian in Bali (now there's two stereotypes that have more than a grain of truth attached). Travel is intellectual stimulation, regardless of whether you need a passport or not. Personally, I could spend the rest of my life exploring Yosemite and the Grand Canyon and never get bored.

We hear it all. And we ignore it all. Why? Because we are happy. Deliriously happy. America opened her arms to us and we leapt into them, not once looking back at the naysayers. Just think, OP, you will be living with the love of your life in happiness. They will be still be b*tching about stereotypes that aren't even realistic. Who do you think is the one leading a more productive life?

[JFH 12,191]

Thank you both. It's really done me good to read your comments. Yes, the travel one is the one that grates me the most. Many Brits think downing pints of beer at an all-inclusive place in Spain is travel. No wonder other countries don't much care for that! And I always tell them "but look at how big and varied America is. You've got everything in one country. Beaches, mountains, lakes, snow, desert, wildlife, cities, rivers... Whatever you need from a holiday is already there. Why would you even feel the need to go elsewhere?" And judging by the number of Brits that trundle off to the USA every year on holiday they must be doing something right. And in my job I've lost count of the number of Brits that think Alaska is in Canada, Florida is a theme park, Hawaii is a completely separate country, and who think I'm going to be living round the corner from the White House when I tell them I'm moving to Washington state (I even add "state" to help them out a bit and they still haven't a clue). It works both ways.

There are idiots everywhere. And they breed. They live among us here in the UK too. And I'm guessing in your homeland also.

Husband and I are in our 40s. He will be 50 next month. We have both been married before and we have been together 4.5 years and married almost 2. We're not two teenagers with no life experience. I have to laugh at some of their comments. Poorly educated? That'll be why people all over the world are doing what they can to get into Harvard and other top universities there. This is the country that gave the world Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, that walked on the moon, invented Facebook, and so on.

I also have only seen guns in holsters on cops' hips. And I've been over there over 40 times. I have no problems with national pride. I'm extremely proud to be British and even told my husband I'll wear a Union Jack t shirt for the flight there when I move. I was joking, of course, but he said he could actually see me doing that.

I took my mother on holiday to Key West last year (one of the perks of my job is free travel). And nothing was good enough. She complained the whole time. It took too long to get through immigration, the CBP officer asked too many questions, the taxi driver couldn't understand us (he was Hispanic), shopkeepers "con" you by not displaying the price including sales tax, our tour bus was 15 minutes late one day, there was too much cheese on the food. Nothing was good enough. Nothing at all.

I have 4 siblings. All of us are married. All of my siblings' spouses get birthday and Christmas gifts from my mother. Except my husband. There is a framed portrait photo of each wedding of her children hanging on the dining room wall. Except ours. She has a little 4x6 photo from our wedding (that she didn't attend) on a shelf in the living room, behind an ornament. It's as if she is ashamed of him.

[Unlockable 7,315]

There is an American gesture where you use your hand to brush something off your shoulder. It signifies that the issues that others have of you have very little impact and you can brush it off with ease. Although they are family, you can use the same demeanor. I am quite sure your brief time here has allowed you to see how American's are. Every country has bad areas. You can not tell me that there are no lower class high poverty neighborhoods with poor performing schools in the UK. Enjoy you time with your family here. That is the most important thing.

BTW, I just had a very good conversation with a coworker that moved here from Seattle. He spoke very highly of it. Also, my brother lived in Seattle for years and loved. it. I think you are in a great city.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Unfortunately, the media does tend to make America look pretty crazy and ridiculous. You almost can't blame them for their opinions. I cringe at the way we look sometimes.

A few in my family have expressed some of the same views about Jamaicans. When I realized that the ones who did the most negative commenting were the same ones who have never left the USA, I let it in one ear and out the other. There are good and bad people in every city, state, and country. To generalize every single person into one category makes no sense. Is every Brit the same? I finally had to start to speak up and state that I would not tolerate any more negative or derogatory comments regarding my fiance. I have visited JA 8 times and until one of them has visited and personally knowns a Jamaican, I'm not listening to any of their speculations.

It hurts when your own family is so negative and unsupportive. I found my friends to be way more open minded and encouraging. Just know you have to follow your heart.

At this point in your life, you have to do what's right for you and what makes you happy. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. I've made it pretty clear to everyone that I could care less what anyone thinks or feels. I'm doing what I want to do.

My fiance is here now and has met all my immediate family. They all love him. My sister informed me he's her new best friend. lol Even the one vocal naysayer has now been silenced.

Edited August 8, 2016 by LionessDeon

[Unlockable 7,315]

When I realized that the ones who did the most negative commenting were the same ones who have never left the USA,

Exactly!!!

I have always said that the most humbling experience for any individual is to travel to other countries.

[TBoneTX 46,260]

1. Many members of my family [...] have this idea that all Americans have never travelled, are ignorant of other countries and think they are a superior race.

2. I feel that they won't ever visit me there.

1. Ask them, without rancor, which of these they themselves are guilty of.

2. Would these people be assets as visitors to the U.S., lending a positive impression of the U.K.? I think not.

The last similarly supercilious Brit with whom I interacted (many years ago) got these simple questions from me: "How could the world's greatest military power possibly lose a Revolutionary War to a bunch of ragtag colonists?" And, "How come Britannia no longer rules the waves?"

You might also mildly respond, "Some people have their noses so high in the air that if they walked outside in the rain, they'd drown." Then, leave their presence while they're still trying to figure that one out.

The above are suggestions from a mere Colonist.

Edited August 8, 2016 by TBoneTX

[mallafri76 1,012]

You should tell your family that there are close to 319 million people living in the US and they're not all the same. Sure you'll have uneducated, gun crazy, racists over here but you'll find that in every county. Well, minus the guns of course. Look at how some people in the UK behaved towards foreigners once the UK voted to leave the EU, attacking them on the streets, telling foreigners (i.e people of color) to get out of the country. That attitude came from some pretty uneducated, racist people but that doesn't mean all Brits are like that.

I agree that the majority of Americans don't know much about the rest of the world or the different religions and cultures outside America. However, most Americans I meet are generally interested to learn more if I tell them I'm from abroad. Sure it gets a little frustrating when I tell them I'm Swedish and they say they've always wanted to visit Switzerland or say that Amsterdam looks nice, but that's to do with a poor education system that only focus on America and Christianity. It's not their fault that they don't get to learn these things in school. Plus only having one or two weeks vacation a year kind of limits how far and how much you can travel. In my experience, most Americans are curious and would like to learn more about the "outside world" if given the chance. But then again I live in Austin, the most open minded and relaxed city in the US.

Your family should at least come over and see for themselves before making up their mind. Otherwise they're no better than the people they dislike. And America has some pretty amazing cities and beautiful national parks.

[JFH 12,191]

Very good points. I often mutter under my breath when passengers at work comment on Americans saying "they are all...(insert any negative quality you can think of)". I usually mutter "there are over 300 million of them. How many have you personally met that you can make such a sweeping statement?"

Bear in mind most of my family read the Daily Mail... I'm actually a bit excited to be the one that will hopefully get them to change their minds. I find it particularly ironic considering 2 of my siblings were born outside of the UK, my brother brought his wife into the country from Mexico, and we all lived overseas for a large part of our childhood because our parents are from two different countries and we all hold dual nationality! They don't seem to have a problem with other Europeans, just Americans.

They have met one bad one. Friends of the family have a daughter who did a K-1 and married a man from Indiana. He is exactly how they see all Americans. He even refers to our currency as "England dollars". He's loud, rude, poorly educated and obnoxious. But I have said time and time again, the fact that he was born on the same landmass as my husband does not mean my husband is like that. He's an idiot because his parents are idiots.

[QueenComley 295]

OP... could this be a little bit of jealousy on your family's part? I ask because when I started this whole journey with my (now) husband I was bullied non-stop by a work colleague... I endured all the typical comments from her that your family have made and I realized very quickly it was due to jealousy. I also had issues and smart comments from a best friend... we broke off our friendship a few years ago and its only been in the last few months she reached back out to me apologizing and admitted she was jealous of my "exciting new life".

[kris&me 572]

I find this quite interesting as the US is divided into 6 areas so vastly different from each other it is like traveling from country to country

the upper midwest

the lower midwest

the northeast

the southeast

the northwest

the southwest

and then there is Louisana with its own parishes instead of states and its own language and foods

We have taken the best scientist including Einstein from Europe

we invented the airplane, the computer, the telephone, the car, the gin mill, etc

We have all religions, all cultures, all the best foods from every country

WE don't have Oxford but we have Cornell, Yale, Harvard, MIT

We have poor and undecuated people also unforunately but i remember the stories of the dark ages in England and the poor and uneducated being put in debtor prisons

[Cathi 5,794]

Tell you relatives to stop watching Donald Trump and his supporters, then perhaps their impression of Americans will change for the better

[Ulrica&Jesse 39]

OP, I totally feel your pain. I had to go through all that pretty much the first time my relatives and family found out I was dating and then married and American. Honestly it's a bit painful subject to both me and my husband because we are so sick and tired of ignorant comments like ''Americans have no culture, they are ignorant, they have no history, etc. etc. etc. Hearing all that and more from relatives and friends is very annoying to say the least. And after some time I got so sick of it so that I literally cut off ties with some of them just because I didn't want to hear all the negativity and spite coming from just simply being ignorant and insecure. I don't regret any bit of it. I was tired explaining to them that not all Americans are geography and history illiterate, that things mass media mainly exposes with Reality TV shows etc. are not to be trusted and it's not something that should define ones views about entire country and it's people. Being so judgmental and critical about them without even bothering to know their history and things they had to go through in order to arrive where they are now is the first sign of them being exactly what they are accusing Americans to be. America sure has flaws and there is of course some truth in all those negative comments and general thoughts about them but which country doesn't have flaws?! And billions of people striving to relocate to the States has to mean something right?

So basically you should try your best to ignore all the negative words your family has to spare towards your husband and his country because that's the best thing to do. I know it's not easy when closest people are being so narrow minded but you can't do anything about it and you can't just let it ruin your outlook on your future. Don't let their ignorance influence your own views and moods. Instead concentrate on your future, on places where you will visit, try to learn more about their history, and concentrate on the best and brighter sides of it which I'm sure will plenty! That's exactly what I am doing right now and it does help me to brush off all those offensive comments, now it just brings smile to my face because I know nothing can change what I think about it, nothing can change my own experience and things I've seen and know, I just simply feel bad for them for missing out on experiencing and learning about this humongous continent and country consisted of multiples nations turned into something one of a kind and limiting themselves only on the dark side of it. So cheer up, think positive and don't let anybody bring your mood down, you have a long and interesting journey ahead of you with your husband, cherish it and be strong Best of luck to you!

[SusieQQQ 11,587]

Wow, your family don't even want to meet your husband, and they basically call others small-minded and ignorant? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I'm truly sorry for you, what a horrible situation to be in.

Sure you'll find the types of Americans they denigrate. You'll also find the types of Americans that are among the most open-minded, well travelled, forefront of innovation, Nobel prize winning, etc etc people in the world too. Big place, depends where you settle. I hope you find a place that makes you happy (if you don't, move, because America is big and no matter what your leaning there is a place that will resonate). And if your family can't even be bothered to come and see what it's really like, it's going to be hard but move on and surround yourself with "family you choose not born into" - people who will love and support you, not undermine you. Best of luck in your journey.