How can I get my fiance to understand.....

[jwcir12016 32]

It has been awhile since I got all the documentation together, but don't you submit some paperwork online the line during the visa to marriage process that has to prove any previous marital status?

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Well, I think people are..There are several suggestions in this thread of people suggesting because the guy is thinking she was married, it implies he will have many issues in the US and they will have problems in their marriage. That's horrible inference and it's surprising anyone will make such absurd inferences.

There are a LOT of people in the US with more deep rooted beliefs than this guy and they do absolutely fine here..no need judging people because they have different beliefs and cultures. That's what makes the world a beautiful place. It will be boring otherwise if we all looked same, believed in the same thing and acted the same way.. Many people on this thread need to just relax and not take everything too seriously.

Well, I think that came from the OP consistly saying she couldn't get him to unnderstand. 3 posters including myself told her to simply state "I was never married". She replied that she did that but that he still wasn't understanding. Now 3 pages later he gets it. So yea, we call got the impression there was some big cultural issue, as the OP even stated. Read back through all the posts and responses together at once (i just did). When you say your foreign fiance cannot understand the concept of childbirth out of wedlock even after you say you explained (but then you didn't) it is extremely misleading.

Look, it doesn't matter to me. I read alot of posts, but this one was pretty strange. It went from not understanding...to culture...to sin....to a phone and being sleepy. OP got resolve, fiance understands. Everyone is happy.......case closed.

Edited July 5, 2016 by LionessDeon

[JR loves JR 196]

As a LAST resort you might want to consider finding a portion of the conversation (if printable) where you're discussing the fact that you were never married and where he seems confused about it. Or even write a clearly worded email to him stating that you've had this conversation, that there seems to be a misunderstanding, you understand his cultural point about children and marriage, and explain the cultural standard in America dealing with children and marriage. He could then take that with him to the interview.

I know it doesn't resolve the misunderstanding but it might be enough to lower the gigantic red flag if he answers the previous marriage question wrong. But he might not be given the opportunity to submit it. I would assume that the CO is aware of the cultural precedent of marriage being required when there's a child involved and how the lack of a marriage might be confusing to someone. The document would be proof that the two of you have discussed it and are just having a cultural misunderstanding. And who knows, the email might be enough for him to more easily understand and avoid the issue all together.

[JC&BB 33]

It has been awhile since I got all the documentation together, but don't you submit some paperwork online the line during the visa to marriage process that has to prove any previous marital status?

I was never married but to make sure they're marrying for good reasons they might say so was she married! and if they do I need to make sure that he says no since I wasn't. Because I have a child they'll ask him that to see if he understands that I wasn't

[JC&BB 33]

Well, I think that came from the OP consistly saying she couldn't get him to unnderstand. 3 posters including myself told her to simply state "I was never married". She replied that she did that but that he still wasn't understanding. Now 3 pages later he gets it. So yea, we call got the impression there was some big cultural issue, as the OP even stated. Read back through all the posts and responses together at once (i just did). When you say your foreign fiance cannot understand the concept of childbirth out of wedlock even after you say you explained (but then you didn't) it is extremely misleading.

Look, it doesn't matter to me. I read alot of posts, but this one was pretty strange. It went from not understanding...to culture...to sin....to a phone and being sleepy. OP got resolve, fiance understands. Everyone is happy.......case closed.

let me make myself clear since you think I am lying or whatever you my think...... I made the statement about culture and sin because some of you were not understanding why he didn't understand how I could have had a child and not be forced into marriage since that's why they do there..... Since so many of you thought he had an issue wasn't seeing it from his point of view and the culture of Ethiopians... But your options doesn't really matter, just because he doesn't understand the how, doesn't mean we'll have issues in our marriage nor that he's assumed of me...... Some of you went overboard with the reason why he wouldn't understand how it's possible to have a child and not be married.... Again I THANK ALL who commented, as I stared I believe he understands me know... So no need to continue on with what you think.

[jwcir12016 32]

I was never married but to make sure they're marrying for good reasons they might say so was she married! and if they do I need to make sure that he says no since I wasn't. Because I have a child they'll ask him that to see if he understands that I wasn't

Sorry, I poorly wrote my original post. I can't remember if it was for the visa process or for me to get married abroad, but I had to get a legalized and apostilled document that stated any previous marital status from the courts. Maybe that would help him understand that having a child with someone in the United States isn't legally binding as marriage. My husband is latino, and if you have a child with someone despite marriage status you and the family start referring to that person as his or her spouse. But my husband easily understands there is a major difference between a legal marriage and a sort of common law marriage. Is that possibly what your fiance is referring to? I think the best explanation to give him, is that despite his belief, in the United States and for visa purposes marriage usually refers to a legal bond and not just an emotional or spiritual one and he should answer only as such at the interview.

Sorry, I poorly wrote my original post. I can't remember if it was for the visa process or for me to get married abroad, but I had to get a legalized and apostilled document that stated any previous marital status from the courts. Maybe that would help him understand that having a child with someone in the United States isn't legally binding as marriage. My husband is latino, and if you have a child with someone despite marriage status you and the family start referring to that person as his or her spouse. But my husband easily understands there is a major difference between a legal marriage and a sort of common law marriage. Is that possibly what your fiance is referring to? I think the best explanation to give him, is that despite his belief, in the United States and for visa purposes marriage usually refers to a legal bond and not just an emotional or spiritual one and he should answer only as such at the interview.

And for the record, I was never married either, so my documentation just said no previous marriages or divorces.

[Meg&Andrew 297]

Just tell him if he admits you were previously married he will be found to be lying. With his culture I'm sure lying under oath isn't something he'd want to do. Not to mention he could find himself getting a misrepresentation ban.

[soulstriker 274]

this whole thing doesnt seem like it was discussed over a long period of time , seems like you on the last minute tried to tell him how usa works and the culture difference . Anyway i know how it can be to try to educate your partner in american culture , luckily ive been doing it ever since we started dating so now she gets everything to a tee , make sure he gets it , interview him as practice several times as much as needed so he understands

[Cathi 5,795]

I did, and he went on to say how can I if I had my daughter..

tell him the truth, that you had pre-martial sex. Again, am I missing something?

[JC&BB 33]

tell him the truth, that you had pre-martial sex. Again, am I missing something?

I did, but to make sure he understands this I asked on here. I will go with the advise of saying if asked if I was married he says yes out of thinking I was forced into marriage due to having a child.... he would be lying,

[NikLR 13,232]

tell him the truth, that you had pre-martial sex. Again, am I missing something?

I think only Maria&Seve got it.

Basically what I understand is: in his culture, if a woman gets pregnant outside of wedlock, they force her to marry. So no children are born out of wedlock due the shame it brings to her family. Thus, children grow up believing, incorrectly, that ONLY married women can have children and unmarried women can't even get pregnant or have children.

When her fiance found out she had a child, he automatically assumed she'd been married before, because in his culture, she would have been forced to marry. However, it sounds like she's gotten him to understand that she was never married, even though she has a child.

[mallafri76 1,012]

OP is taking a man from a small, rural town in Ethiopia where they believe you can only have children if married and moving him to "Sin City", and some posters on here don't think that's gonna be a culture shock?!?!?! 24 hour gambling, drinking, prostitution, stripclubs, nudity, sex.... Yeah, I'd say not knowing how babies are made is gonna be the least of their problems.

I don't understand those people on the K-1 and CR-1 who don't seem to talk to each other. I mean come on, when you're in a serious relationship, how can you not know whether your spouse has been married before or not???

OP, I guess send him a book or google printout about babies and marriage in the western world...

Edited July 5, 2016 by mallafri76

[JC&BB 33]

I think only Maria&Seve got it.

Basically what I understand is: in his culture, if a woman gets pregnant outside of wedlock, they force her to marry. So no children are born out of wedlock due the shame it brings to her family. Thus, children grow up believing, incorrectly, that ONLY married women can have children and unmarried women can't even get pregnant or have children.

When her fiance found out she had a child, he automatically assumed she'd been married before, because in his culture, she would have been forced to marry. However, it sounds like she's gotten him to understand that she was never married, even though she has a child.

Thank you so much!!! Yes because of how things are there he assumed it was the same here... So many people took it the wrong way and said we would have issues and that he wasn't sure about me.

I think only Maria&Seve got it.

Basically what I understand is: in his culture, if a woman gets pregnant outside of wedlock, they force her to marry. So no children are born out of wedlock due the shame it brings to her family. Thus, children grow up believing, incorrectly, that ONLY married women can have children and unmarried women can't even get pregnant or have children.

When her fiance found out she had a child, he automatically assumed she'd been married before, because in his culture, she would have been forced to marry. However, it sounds like she's gotten him to understand that she was never married, even though she has a child.

Thank you so much!!! Yes because of how things are there he assumed it was the same here... So many people took it the wrong way and said we would have issues and that he wasn't sure about me.

[JC&BB 33]

OP is taking a man from a small, rural town in Ethiopia where they believe you can only have children if married and moving him to "Sin City", and some posters on here don't think that's gonna be a culture shock?!?!?! 24 hour gambling, drinking, prostitution, stripclubs, nudity, sex.... Yeah, I'd say not knowing how babies are made is gonna be the least of their problems.

I don't understand those people on the K-1 and CR-1 who don't seem to talk to each other. I mean come on, when you're in a serious relationship, how can you not know whether your spouse has been married before or not???

OP, I guess send him a book or google printout about babies and marriage in the western world...

I told him I was NEVER married I didn't know he still assumed I was since I had a child, but please keep you comment to yourself! Just because he'll be living here doesn't mean he will be out doing anything!!! I've never went out gambling in my life!! living here doesn't mean ANYTHING!!! Just because he didn't understand me doesn't mean we don't have a serious relationship!! Every relationship has misunderstanding so for you to say what you said you're wrong!

[NikLR 13,232]

That last poster meant that your future husband will be in culture shock because of how Las Vegas is, at least on the strip. You walk down the road at night, people are drinking in the open, you're handed pictures of naked girls every 2 steps, and sitting anywhere can mean a prostitute can ask you if you'd like a good time. Even my father in law didn't realize what that meant the first time he was approached while just having a beer on a patio.

That doesn't mean you do anything bad, or that your fiance will do anything bad. People just want you to be aware of how much different it will be for your fiance once he arrives in the USA. Just be aware of it so you can talk about it and have him understand how different life is in general in the USA. Things that are issues in other cultures, aren't issues here and vice versa.

As for the marriage and child thing, well people still assume my ex is my "ex-husband" because we had a child. It is what it is and I correct them as I go along.

Best of luck to you both.