How can I get my fiance to understand.....

[JC&BB 33]

In many cultures sin is only sin with tangible proof, a living breathing child is proof if out of wedlock child birth is taboo

because of the beliefs he thought it was like that here... since I never said I wasn't married he assumed I was since I had a child.. bit some of the things people are saying isn't true at all.

[Lemonslice 4,838]

ummmm, while I was there we slept in the same bed so he couldn't possible refuse once he comes here

Please discuss it seriously. It has happened on VJ before.

[Wooderz 314]

because of the beliefs he thought it was like that here... since I never said I wasn't married he assumed I was since I had a child.. bit some of the things people are saying isn't true at all.

Ok but then how come when you clarified that no you haven't ever been married, he didn't seem to understand? Based on your posts, you have now made clear that you weren't married. But that he still seems to think or want to say that you were.

I'm getting confused here. People are thinking something bigger/deeper is happening here bc otherwise it should have been a simple "oh no, sorry, I wasn't married to the father of my child" and that's the end of it.

Edited July 5, 2016 by Wooderz

[JC&BB 33]

Ok but then how come when you clarified that no you haven't ever been married, he didn't seem to understand? Based on your posts, you have now made clear that you weren't married. But that he still seems to think or want to say that you were.

I'm getting confused here. People are thinking something bigger/deeper is happening here bc otherwise it should have been a simple "oh no, sorry, I wasn't married to the father of my child" and that's the end of it.

We are in different time zones so when I explained to him how I had a child without being married. but he was sleep when I sent the message to him... he's since messaged me but didn't say anything about what I sent him.... Now I am not saying he doesn't understand but there's been some issues with his phone that makes it harder to explain things.... But it isn't because he is ashamed of me or my child, nor will he not want to sleep in the same bed as me.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Ok but then how come when you clarified that no you haven't ever been married, he didn't seem to understand? Based on your posts, you have now made clear that you weren't married. But that he still seems to think or want to say that you were.

I'm getting confused here. People are thinking something bigger/deeper is happening here bc otherwise it should have been a simple "oh no, sorry, I wasn't married to the father of my child" and that's the end of it.

Exactly. Some of the OP have been conflicting...first it was he didn't understand...then it was she didn't tell him at first...then it was the culture thing. It was confusing. So, I think as we keep getting little bits of more of the story we offered more suggestions. No one was intending on making false statements or saying things that aren't true. We were offering suggestions.

[subwayguy 100]

So my fiancé is from a country that doesn't really believe in having children without being married...... Since I have a child (never married) he still thinks that since I had her that meant I was married.... He keeps saying that YES I was married, and had a husband... I've tried to explain things to him, but I don't think he's understanding me still. how can I explain to him that having a child does not constitute a marriage? I don't want him going to his interview and answering this question wrong... Because of him thinking this he will be denied the visa because of him thinking how things are there and not the truth of what's going on... I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want to lose him over a misunderstanding.

"I wasn't married and my child was born out of wedlock" and if he doesn't understand that, he has a problem.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Okay the way I interpreted one of your posts was basically: men don't believe unmarried women can get pregnant so basically they can have sex with them because only married women can get pregnant. And then later on you said it's a sin to have sex before being married. Basically it sounds like he needs to get the proper "birds and the bees" lesson, have you tried that?

[JC&BB 33]

"I wasn't married and my child was born out of wedlock" and if he doesn't understand that, he has a problem.

I believe he gets it now.

[ManCharsey 254]

As you know, in some places having a baby without being married is a taboo. He probably already told everyone (such as his family) that he is about to marry a woman who has a child from a prior marriage, because he would be ashamed to tell them otherwise. He might even be ashamed to admit in front of the embassy interviewer that he is marrying someone with who has a child, and who was never married before. He could be in denial because this is such a taboo in his "culture".

As someone else suggested, you have much bigger issues than having to worry about the interview. Men like him (and their families) do not, under normal circumstances, agree to marry a woman who has had premarital sex or children without being married. It would be a big scandal for them and their families if they did. Which is why I would have to question why he wants to marry you.

You are reading WAY into this. There are differences in cultures everywhere.

You have to understand that marriage is we know it here in the US is a whole different subject in other places.

There are places where agreeing to cohabit and live with a partner (if both families are aware of it) is deemed as marriage. They don't go through the whole signing paperwork, exchanging rings, adorning white garments etc. This guy may be thinking that the fact that his fiance was in a 5 year relationship and had a baby with the guy, meant they were married. It's just a cultural difference and once things are clearly explained to him, he should be fine.

[JC&BB 33]

Okay the way I interpreted one of your posts was basically: men don't believe unmarried women can get pregnant so basically they can have sex with them because only married women can get pregnant. And then later on you said it's a sin to have sex before being married. Basically it sounds like he needs to get the proper "birds and the bees" lesson, have you tried that?

you're the only person who's gotten what I am saying.... I think what I told him he will get it...... I told him that I had a boyfriend and happened to get pregnant she was born out of wedlock, and that him and I never went and got married... I told him that having a child doesn't make you married to that person.

[JC&BB 33]

Okay the way I interpreted one of your posts was basically: men don't believe unmarried women can get pregnant so basically they can have sex with them because only married women can get pregnant. And then later on you said it's a sin to have sex before being married. Basically it sounds like he needs to get the proper "birds and the bees" lesson, have you tried that?

you're the only person who's gotten what I am saying.... I think what I told him he will get it...... I told him that I had a boyfriend and happened to get pregnant she was born out of wedlock, and that him and I never went and got married... I told him that having a child doesn't make you married to that person.

[ManCharsey 254]

I'm sorry to say but this sounds like a hot mess waiting to happen. He will have a hard time in the US adjusting to culture which may create problems in your marriage.

Good luck us all I gotta say. Everyone else advice is accurate.

You guys are reading way too much into this. It may just be a simple cultural difference (and there are LOTS of it all around the world). There are people in the bible belt here in the US with deep beliefs than this and they have the best of marriages right here in the US. Her fiancee just needs a simple explanation of the cultural differences and he should be fine. No need thinking because of something this trivial, the world is going to fall.

[JC&BB 33]

I have cleared up the whole topic with him.... I just pray that he understands me... Since I never told him I wasn't married he assumed I was since I had a child.. Not realizing that you can have a child without being married..... Women in his country get married if they become pregnant to prevent bringing shame onto the family...... So since I never made it clear that I wasn't married he assumed I was...... I thank everyone for shared their thoughts on the situation... I assure you all he isn't going to have issues with my daughter, nor has an issue with me not being married..... Thanks everyone

[ManCharsey 254]

OP you're taking this too personal. No one is pointing a finger at you. Obviously, least of all your fiance. Other countries have different beliefs, customs, and traditions. No one is wrong its just different. There are going to many times in your life as husband and wife when these differences may come up. You both have to do the best you can to educate yourself and work toward a compromise and understanding.

We were all just trying to help you come to a resolution to get a successful interview. I believe your title was "How can I get my fiance to understand"....

Now I believe you have your answers and can move forward!

Well, I think people are..There are several suggestions in this thread of people suggesting because the guy is thinking she was married, it implies he will have many issues in the US and they will have problems in their marriage. That's horrible inference and it's surprising anyone will make such absurd inferences.

There are a LOT of people in the US with more deep rooted beliefs than this guy and they do absolutely fine here..no need judging people because they have different beliefs and cultures. That's what makes the world a beautiful place. It will be boring otherwise if we all looked same, believed in the same thing and acted the same way.. Many people on this thread need to just relax and not take everything too seriously.

[JC&BB 33]

Well, I think people are..There are several suggestions in this thread of people suggesting because the guy is thinking she was married, it implies he will have many issues in the US and they will have problems in their marriage. That's horrible inference and it's surprising anyone will make such absurd inferences.

There are a LOT of people in the US with more deep rooted beliefs than this guy and they do absolutely fine here..no need judging people because they have different beliefs and cultures. That's what makes the world a beautiful place. It will be boring otherwise if we all looked same, believed in the same thing and acted the same way.. Many people on this thread need to just relax and not take everything too seriously.

I agree with you 100% people are trying to imply that we'll have issues because he's thinking out of cultural beliefs.... So thakn you for seeing it for what it is and not saying he has issues or will cause issues. Someone even said he's ashamed of me having a child and doesn't want to believe it... WHAT!!!! seriously girls and boys in his country have sex everyday when the girl finds out she's pregnant they get married to avoid being talked about, but it doesn't always happen that way.