What a mess!

[justjohn 0]

Background:

Going back many years (2011) we had met online and then we met in Cebu, Philippines. It was a wonderful time, we traveled to Bohol and I met her family. Months later I returned, proposed and it was off to the races (the USCIS K-1 races). All went well. She arrived in America, we had a wonderful month and got married—a small ceremony on the edge of a lake.

She was often temperamental and defensive, and had awful PMS episodes. A month later, during a fight over absolutely nothing I said: “This is America, nobody can make you stay, if you want to go back to Cebu, you can.”

Then next day she demanded “tampo style,” to be taken to the nearest airport. I called a woman’s support group thinking that dropping her off would be abandonment and they said: “She’s an adult, if that’s what she wants, take her.” So I did and she disappeared without a trace.

After several months I found her living with her sister in a Western state. I filed divorce and had her served. This seemed to wake her up and we started talking. It seems that the aforementioned statement was changed to: “I’m going to send you back to Cebu.” Apparently she had contacted an “immigrant helpful center,” who said: “threatening to send you back--that’s abuse.” So she filed a VAWA claim against me.

Now, everyone will say: “You cannot ever know if a VAWA claim has been filed.” I agree, but when my Senator’s aide, who I asked for help, well, the helpful fellow, didn’t have much of a clue, in not too many words, he essentially told me. She later admitted it.

I have no idea if the VAWA suit, for some reason started to fall flat or she thought it might fail, but we started talking and she decided to come back.

I’m not one of those fellows who say: “It’s all her fault.” I’m not the easiest to get along with and I have a history of having a troubled childhood. I can get angry and fierce and mouthy and I shouldn’t. So I agreed to seek psychotherapy, and then she agreed to have psychotherapy and then we did psychotherapy together. I had accused her formally (to USCIS) of what would essentially be fraud—coming to America and then disappearing to live with her sister. This created a problem with USCIS, but I remembered that I can be difficult, and so off we went to the local office to say, well: “It must have been my fault.” This seemed to assuage them and she got whatever was needed to get a job and a driver’s license.

All was pretty good. She took an LNA course and became an LNA. She studied hard on English, to the point people would ask: “Well, you must have grown up in America.” I did not like where she worked, it was an Alzheimer’s unit and in my opinion a very dangerous place to work. So I suggested that she apply at another place, one that I knew was a quality act. She did and was hired. It was good job at a quality place. All seemed pretty good. I tracked PMS time and tried hard to be understanding.

Now I’ll throw a major twist into this. I’ve always wanted to father a child. My former wife was infertile, “no eggs,” the doc said: “perfect in any other way.” That marriage ended in 1998 for unrelated reasons. Divorced even as an “older” guy my thoughts turned to once again the possibility of having two children. And she promised: “yes, that is what she wanted too.” Ah…but now the problem was with me: “male factor infertility.” It seems that my little swimmers are just fine, but are stuck, immobile since the surrounding goo does not liquefy as it should. In short I could have normal coitus with a fertile female a thousand times, and never get her pregnant. The swimmers were “stuck,” as it were. But ART could come to the rescue.

So I hunted, hard, for two years looking for a job in a state where ART (assisted reproductive technology was a mandated part of insurance. And I found one… a great job, almost 2x of what I had been earning (I had been working 24 hours) and all looked good. Good ART coverage was available. We found an apartment and moved—uh, let me correct that, I moved and she waffled staying at a distance for Jan/Feb/Mar and April, and May… “Special classes,” “just not ready…” reason after reason, but had she moved with me, within 60 days there was a 70% certainty that she’d be pregnant.

I invited her to a professional conference in April with me and contacted the bigwigs at the conference so that she could volunteer. I thought it would be a great experience. We flew to Florida and arrived around 1AM, very tired and hungry. She was upset and “hangry” (it’s now a real word) and I was adamant that I’d find some food and I did. But it all went South and there was angry words and, I’m sad to say “actions” on my part and the same along with Tampo like hysterics on her part. The next day she bought a ticket and flew home.

Now, I’ll add something here: Just around this time she received her conditional green card. I’m not sure when it was but I think it was before the conference.

Things turned strange. We seemed to reconnect and then not so much, no more “I love you…” Arguments arose for no reason, not even PMS time. Things were cool (not in a good sense).

Then she announced she was flying West for a week to visit her sister. She left and returned. And things got colder, and colder, one day I asked: “Do you want a divorce.” The answer: “Yes.”

I seem to have a 2^nd sense and one day I looked through her things. Articles of male clothing with price tags still on them, and a card that said: “I can only hope that our lives can be great together loving each other. I love you sweet baby.” These were not my words. And it might be construed that with no added name…there appeared to be complicity.

Today I told her that I knew that she had an affair. I fibbed and said: “In America we have PI’s that can be hired, to track a person from the airprt and watch them.” “I have the proof.” I really didn’t but it was pretty obvious and in not so many words she openly admitted having sex with the fellow. Straight up infidelity, and interestingly the location was very near where her sister lived.

She argued: “I saw you look at (some filipina dating site)” so what I did was ok, I agree this was true. And it was true that I, as we fell apart chatted with a few, always saying: I’m not yet divorced and will wait until I am to start anything serious.” It seems to me that one is like thinking about robbing a bank and the other much like taking a gun and actually doing it. One is heinous, the other not quite so. But maybe I am wrong.

So here we are. What am I to do? I’d like to simply let her go with a non-contested divorce. Even if malfeasance exists she’d make high quality immigrant, the ones that America needs, a hard worker. Yet frankly the I-485 scares the pants off me.

At first it was ok, I’ll agree to a divorce, she said: she did not want any alimony, or any valuables, each would keep their own property (she had a nice house in the Phils). But then—a question came to mind: Form I-864 (Affidavit of Support). So I researched it. Divorce did not squelch it. In short she could come after me until she had 40 quarters of IRS earnings, or until she or I died. Uh oh.

Then I heard: “I’ll never do that.” And my response was: “A few years back you said during your wedding vows: “I’ll never leave, till death do us part.” So much for “nevers”.

The best I could find was this link:

https://www.floridabar.org/divcom/jn/jnjournal01.nsf/c0d731e03de9828d852574580042ae7a/2cbe6a52e76636f28525763b00661a63!OpenDocument&Highlight=0,*

In short, it is bleak, to say the least. Divorce her and the Sword of Damocles dangles above my head for 8 more years. Then come the questions: If I find another, for I really do like being married, what will USCIS think/do knowing that this obligation hangs there. Will they now demand that I can support 2x the requirements of I-864?

And so now comes the question: What to do? I have enough to file for divorce on infidelity. She openly admitted it and interestingly would likely under oath not deny it. But divorce based on infidelity does not remove the contractual obligations of I-864. So what does that leave me? It makes me cringe to say it but I only see one course of action: Contact USCIS and point out that clearly, especially with infidelity there appears to be no bona fide relationship. So in two years at the final “bona fide relationship” hearing I suspect USCIS will not be happy.

And in reality she has little to support a bona fide relationship. She was careful to make sure that we shared one bank account. But a closer look shows she never added a penny, nor removed one. She has a copy of the lease we were to live, but never moved in. And now, a bona fide relationship with who? Clearly it’s no longer with me. Maybe it never was with me.

And yes, I still love her but sometimes there simply is too much water over the dam.

So it seems that I only have two courses of action: Refute the bona fide relationship claim with USCIS because then I am off the hook for the I-864 or let her go and hope that she never comes after me for the 125% of poverty.

Any suggestions are welcome.

Thank you.

[EM_Vandaveer 2,417]

Divorce and move on.

Her immigration status is her business now.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Divorce and move on.

And just FYI: people with Alzheimer's are not dangerous.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

She can't come after you, the government could IF she ends up on any government assistance. She has "quality" work so chances of that happening are slim. She will most likely become a USC. You'll have no worries then. Infidelity doesn't equal marriage fraud. You broke up, got back together, went to counseling, and tried to make it work. It didn't. Divorce and move on.

Edited July 3, 2016 by LionessDeon

[Unlockable 7,315]

She can't come after you, the government could IF she ends up on any government assistance. She has "quality" work so chances of that happening are slim. She will most likely become a USC. You'll have no worries then. Infidelity doesn't equal marriage fraud. You broke up, got back together, went to counseling, and tried to make it work. It didn't. Divorce and move on.

Actually, she could.

I used to think the same thing but there was another thread that clarified it. If you read page 8 of Form I-864, under where is says "What If I Do Not Fulfill My Obligations?", it states that sponsor can be sued by the immigrant for support. Then in the next section under "When Will These Obligations End?" There is a note saying "Divorce does not terminate your obligations under Form I-864."

Now I personally have not heard of a case where an LPR diectly sued a USC for support but I can see why the OP is highly concerned about the Affidavit.

Form I-864 for your review: https://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/files/form/i-864.pdf

[Penguin_ie 5,996]

**** Moving from K1 to Effects of Major Changes *****

Op, there is nothing you can do to her to send her back/ remove the I-864 obligations. Once divorced, she can Remove Conditions to get a permanent greencard with a waiver. She has enough proof the marriage was bonafide, at one time at least, with the lease and living together for quite a while and the joint bank account and what was said in the AOS interview about it having been your fault.

IF you mary again, it may be to a US citizen, in which case USCIS is out of the picture. If not, especially if it happens quickly, yes they will look at you more closely. However, for the next I-864, if there is one, it won't be double, it will simply be one extra person, so about $6000 more.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

I don't think that is very common and she has an education and job. But anything can happen I guess. Not much can be done about it now though. My advice remains the same.

Edited July 3, 2016 by LionessDeon

[soulstriker 274]

time to jump ship

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

She's working not living on government support

why would there be any reason to go after support from him?

He educated her and she is able to work

and right about the Alzheimer's / they are not dangerous

i worked 20 years with adults and children of all disabilities, even working in a psych ward for 4 / the work is a matter of knowing the clients and treating with love and respect not fear

anyway, you should have no problems with I 864 as she is able to support herself

looks like she used you so my question is WHY WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ANOTHER ON A PHILLIPINE DATING SITE?

really move on and get yourself out of this self descructive cycle

[TabeaK 517]

Sounds to me this marriage was very much bonafide and went south due to incompatibility aggravated possibly by cultural differences, a big (I am guessing here) age gap and mismatched expectations. An affair does not mean a marriage is not bonafide. Your fights - for which you accept half the blame - do not mean there is any fraud going on either.

Divorce and move on. No point in starting a war. You have no rights to get her to leave the country and you will not get out of the I-864. Forget it. If I were you I would divorce amicably (you say you still love her...). If she is - as you claim - a hard worker, there is very little risk in the I-864. Heck, there is very little risk in it period. The I-864 becomes void once she becomes a citizen, so you'll likely be off the hook much sooner - as a divorcee she can file for citizenship after 5 years of permanent residency.

Now, with regards to your plans of potentially importing another Filipina bride - given that you had a previous K1, USCIS will put more scrutiny on you. But this really has nothing to do with your current wife or any potential divorce, but rather your history. Make your life easier and get to know the new person well before you decide marrying her, visit multiple times, and, if you do decide to file for another visa, wait a while. A couple years is probably a wise move. Also, if you do decide to file for another K1 or CR-1, make sure you gather PLENTY of evidence that you are in an actual relationship.

Now, I shall hold my breath on what I actually think about older western males shopping for young vulnerable girls in third world countries. And - of course - some not so vulnerable girls/guys from certain countries conning USCs.

None of my business after all. But, again, consider wisely who you commit to. Marry in haste and repent at leisure....

Edited July 3, 2016 by TabeaK

[Cathi 5,784]

Not sure what PMS has to do with any of this, but my advice is the same as others-divorce and move on. Also you should not be concerned about possible future immigration with anyone else at this point, you should focus on getting your divorce finalized. Don't worry about the I-864, she has a good job and if she moves West I am sure she will find another. As you stated she is a hard worker and is capable of supporting herself. Good luck.

[Bzegurl 41]

This was so sad to read... I believe the OP had a similar thread about his wife and was given the exact same advice given today by many. Apparently he didn't take those advice and I don't believe he will take ours either. Some people know exactly what it is that they need to do in their situation but refuse to do it.

Let me put it this way "when your tired of being sick and tired you will make the best decision for your life".

Good luck

[NuZayetsPogodi 117]

At least I'm glad you were able to accept responsibility for what you did wrong. Like everyone else, it sounds like you should just divorce and move on. Can you file for divorce based on infidelity in your state? Don't rely on what you read on the Internet. When I was going through my divorce, I found all kinds of wrong information about divorce. Namely, people in my state cannot get divorced for any reason besides "irreconcilable differences" unless there was abuse or something very serious. Infidelity is not a reason, in the eyes of the law, to get a divorce, in no-fault states. So you may be going between two options that don't even exist, and family law (divorce) changes constantly. If you're seriously thinking of divorcing your wife for infidelity, then you better talk to a lawyer first to make sure that's even an option.

However, given your whole story, I don't even think that makes sense. You both made it pretty clear that you didn't want to be together, so the fact that she found someone else to sleep with doesn't really seem to matter.

And, please, for all that is good and holy... Do NOT bring up the fact that your wife was PMSing!

[Meg&Andrew 297]

You went to USCIS in the beginning on accusations of fraud against her, then went to USCIS and said the issues you were having were your fault, now you want to go back to USCIS and have them let you off the hook for the I-864? Not trying to be judgmental here, but if I was handling your case I'd most likely laugh and move on to the next. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but up to this point there's no action you can take. It's out of your hands from here on out, divorce and move on.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

1. Divorce.

2. She can file ROC with a waiver, the marriage was bona fide then and that it is over now is irrelevant.

3. She sounds like she is a hard worker and wouldn't sue you but pursue citizenship.

4. You picked up the gun and she pulled the trigger, what do you think would happen when she knew you are on PI

dating sites ? My marriage would be over too then.

5. For Pete's sake do not get involved in another petition and give yourself some time to be happy by yourself before even

thinking about it.

Good luck.