Nervous about in-laws

[yuna628 9,676]

I come from a Christian family, I am closer to an agnostic, and my husband is an atheist from a Catholic family. It's quite a mix up. Our wedding guests reflected all of these views too. This was one reason why we chose to have a non-religious wedding. They respect each other's boundaries and do not talk of religion or force their ideas down each other's throats. That was something we agreed upon long ago. My husband and I have always had an open dialogue and have no problem talking about religious concepts and sharing opinions respectfully, but know we'd never get far with our families. I draw the line on racism and homophobia and fakeness though. I love my family but if I ever detected such from them, I'd let them know that it was not cool (but that is for your wife to do, not you, unless they should disrespect her, your marriage, or overstep a boundary). Believe me, I've had people say nasty stuff to my face before, (''you married an atheist?!'', stuff about yokes, and me going to hell) and I've had to hold my temper and mentally give them the finger.

It's okay to be the black sheep sometimes in some scenarios. My mom always made it clear my grandfather's racism would not be tolerated in her house, so he was not welcome. She didn't keep us away from him, we visited, but when you are a guest in someone else's house you have to often grit your teeth. She made that clear when we went for a visit. It may come off as being fake to you, and in a way it is.. but that's the culture of trying to be polite in America. We are a melting pot of ideas... with the freedom to be as obnoxious as humanly possible, but unless you want a whirlwind of awkward and total separation you're going to have to bite your tongue. If the wife was cool with it, then by all means have at it... but in this case it sounds like she wants to maintain an awkward peace for now and doesn't want to rock the boat.

When it comes to our extended family, we simply are of the mind it's not polite to discuss or argue about politics/religion in a hostile manner and draw the line to asserting one's opinion over another. You're not going to change anyone's mind. You're marrying the daughter not her family. For social media, I personally have a strict no-family policy unless it's people I respect, love, and trust. Best of all though, if you can't get around it there are things called lists, and other security measures you can take to ''add them'' but not actually ''look'' at the ####### they spew.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Looking for a bit of advice here, my wife and I are waiting on our visa for me to move to live with her in the USA from the UK. Whilst I'm generally looking forward to this there is one big worry - the in laws!

Whilst they're all polite to my face, my wife's family is very catholic, trump supporters and I personally find them a little racist, a little homophobic and a lot of their comments I find aren't what'd be acceptable at home in England. This has led to me starting to delete some of them on facebook so as to avoid looking at their nasty facebook statuses and avoid engaging with them in political debates because I really just think it's getting us no where but I'm aware that me disagreeing with them and thinking they're racist etc is probably making me unpopular. My wife is of the opinion that they are a bit racist and homophobic but they're her family and despite not agreeing with a lot of their views she loves them. I come from a family of non racist, non homophobic atheists who are usually on the same page for everything, I'm not really used to these sorts of people.

I haven't been in their family long but already I am the black sheep, do I stick to my guns and try to avoid them wherever possible once I move or should I bite my tongue when they make nasty remarks about mexicans or gays or whatever else it happens to be that day? Any thoughts welcome.

I know the feeling (though my in laws doesn't post on Facebook), they love trump and they are super scared of Muslims to the point that our friendship with a Muslim scares them....

Try to make sure you live far away from them. I only have to hang out with my in laws about once a year and I just bite my tongue. Good luck!

[EmilyW 1,437]

Lol, I think we all know the feeling of that.

I had a close family member who loves Bernie Sanders tell me that Bernie was going to make sure I paid my fair share and then said 'You only became rich because you stole it'. Ahhh, the old assumption that if there are two people in the room, and one has $1 and the other has $10, the one with $10 must have stolen from the one with $1. My financial stability can't have anything to do with prudent decision making, hard graft and being careful with my money. Nope, I must have stole because anyone doing well financially is a crook.

Smile politely, don't sweat it, ignore ignorance, enjoy your life.

[Rc123rc 528]

No thank goodness, we will have bought a house by the time my visa ever gets remotely sorted! Not that they haven't offered - like I say, to my face they're very nice. In America is not discussing religion or politics a big thing?

There are some people who like nothing better than shoving politics, religion, gun control, immigration, LBGT, abortion, etc, etc in your face and try to create chaos. Both in person and on FB or other social media sites. I just come out and tell people I keep my opinions to myself on those topics and do not wish to share them for the sake of harmony, goodwill, friendship and family relations. I don't avoid them, I don't delete them on FB. I might stop their news feed coming to me. If they insist on shoving their opinions down my throat, I politely tell them that the conversation has become uncomfortable and could we switch the topic to something safer like Boston Red Sox versus New York Yankees. I know I will be labeled for that but there really is no win when dealing with people of this nature. I am damned for giving my opinion, I am damned for withholding it.

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

You are probably worrried too much

At this time in our political state of unrest in the US, we all are disagreeing over this election and the racist comments

Harder to live here in the south which has always had racial issues

but Trump is bringing out the worst in people saying unwelcome comments about Mexicans, handicapped, women, muslims he news media, etc. he is making fun of all of us and tearing the Republican party apart

live and where your wife is and weather this storm / best to keep quiet around her family and slowly get to know which ones you can trust and which ones to avoid

to tell you the truth i deleted some of my own family on facebook

[andy78 178]

People will always have different views on different issues, and that is generally fine. The important thing is: your home is your castle, so you and your wife will need to agree on your rules for the house, and what can and cannot be tolerated in your house, especially when outsiders visit you. By "outsiders", I mean both of your families, and anyone who is not you or your wife.

[stfiii 33]

Good News

There is a solution for you.

I've also had to deal with this issue, where certain people were spouting homophobic comments, or prophesying the doom of mankind under biblical pretense, and even that one dear friend that you love to death, but also whom believes in every conspiracy theory that comes down the pipe, and feels the need to share multiple post about the conspiracies on a daily basis...- ROTFLMAO

Fortunately, with Facebook, you can assign your Facebook 'Friends' different status depending on how much or how little you want to see or hear from them.

For example, you can label them as Close Friends, Acquaintances, Family, or Restricted.

You can them Follow or UnFollow them so you don't have to see or hear from them ever.

And you can restrict who see's your post, or what they can see on your page, even if they are your quote unquote friend, if they are restricted they won't see the comments about how much you hate your stupid red neck american inlaws! lol.

This is the best option to avoid alienating family.

Good Luck!

[Hotter Otter 1,211]

Unfollowing people on Facebook is a safer step than deleting them I've found as it is less likely to create drama and they can happily post their views and you no longer have to read them.

In person interactions can be trickier, I have had a lot of people asking my view on politics as they are interested in what an outsider thinks. If I can't be tactful then I change the subject to avoid confrontation which as an introvert is the easiest course of action. If someone is being openly racist/offensive though I will call them out on it.

[chicha 9]

Here's one who's waiting for a result on I-751 divorce waiver due to in-law disagreements... The situation really boiled over facebook and also due to distance (living within 1-2 miles from ex-mom-in-law and ex-sis-in-law)... In retrospect if we could take out 1 out of 3 elements (distance, ex-mom-in-law, ex-sis-in-law) our marriage would have been saved. My friends has advised correctly that your in-laws have to be at a distance that you or them need to "plan" the visit. I have much confidence in getting my waiver petition approved, but the heartbreak and agony wasn't worth it unless it serves a lesson!! (I wish I had the lesson so I'd choose the living location differently).

[quesma 10]

US is bigger than the entire Europe. Relocate. If she loves you, she will move around with you. But, moving to an area which is new to you and herself would make things difficult like finding new places and jobs. Good luck.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

All the "be bigger and hold your tongue" advice is maybe ok for now - but what happens when the OP has kids and they get exposed to this? We had a similar issue with a couple of my in laws back in the old country being very racist. We told them not to talk like that in front of our kids if they wanted us to keep visiting.

In other words: the flip side of OP holding his tongue, is that the inlaws can equally hold theirs while they are around. It cuts both ways.

I'd agree that it might be easier moving somewhere that contact is limited to reduce these situations. When you haven't personally been in them, it might be difficult to realise exactly how unbearable it can be.

Edited June 25, 2016 by SusieQQQ

[NikLR 13,227]

I agree but the "talking to" has to be done from the USC family member not the foreign spouse.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

I agree but the "talking to" has to be done from the USC family member not the foreign spouse.

I'm not certain what nationality has to do with it. I get what you're saying about it it's her inlaws not his and she should do the talking, but when my brother in law used a very derogatory term in front of my then 3-year-old, I told him immediately not to use it in front of her again. Family niceties did not play into my mind; not wanting my child exposed to something that bordered on hate speech did.

[NikLR 13,227]

That's a little different, you're defending your child and I'm sure your spouse backed you up. But in general, the person who's family it is, they're the ones who tell their family, hey knock it off. Otherwise you can cause your spouse to choose between their family and you, which is not a position you want to put them into.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

That's a little different, you're defending your child and I'm sure your spouse backed you up. But in general, the person who's family it is, they're the ones who tell their family, hey knock it off. Otherwise you can cause your spouse to choose between their family and you, which is not a position you want to put them into.

Sure. Luckily my spouse and I not only agree on politics but generally also on how to handle situations like this. I can fully accept that a different personality spouse might be more tricky to negotiate with on how to approach it. In principle ...I have no problem offending people because they hold offensive views! In practice when it's family and you have to see them again, you generally need to tread more carefully.