Musings of a Man challenged by his Marraige

[sonicyouth19 0]

I have a suggestion: Install a small camera/microphone and record her next three or four outbursts and the events leading up to them. You know the camera is there but she does not. This can be done for under $200.00. A small price to pay for a little bit of leverage. After you record a really good confrontation, make a second recording of everything and store it off-site in a safe location. Then show her the tapes, and see how she reacts. Tell her that any future outbursts will not be tolerated, and divorce her at the next one. You'll quite likely walk away with the children and the bulk of the assets, leaving her with what she deserves... not much at all!

i was researching exactly that last night. i don't mind spending a few hundred dollars if it somehow helps better the situation - or even acts a safegaurd to help me prove my case in a court of law if and when needed.

however, this is what i fear - we've gotten to a tipping point. her actions have only gotten worse over the course of all these episodes. prior to this last one, i was never afraid. now i am. i am afraid. afraid that the next time this happens, it will only be a lot worse - and this point, a lot worse would involve bodily harm. i almost feel like although a camera would capture who the victim is and who the perpretrator is - it may be too late. i am afraid of another episode!!

[sonicyouth19 0]

I have a suggestion: Install a small camera/microphone and record her next three or four outbursts and the events leading up to them. You know the camera is there but she does not. This can be done for under $200.00. A small price to pay for a little bit of leverage. After you record a really good confrontation, make a second recording of everything and store it off-site in a safe location. Then show her the tapes, and see how she reacts. Tell her that any future outbursts will not be tolerated, and divorce her at the next one. You'll quite likely walk away with the children and the bulk of the assets, leaving her with what she deserves... not much at all!

I had a family member like this. All I can say to you is that:

• presenting evidence of their behaviour to the individual did not do any good, despite confronted by it, they still refused to admit they had a problem and got even angrier that you dared to suggest they had a problem
  
• any threat to 'escalate' such as divorce proceedings backfired and made the situation a LOT worse
  

The family member had some major self-denial issues and - whilst I'm no psychologist - the fact your wife is not remorseful and acts like it never happened the following sounds like she might have the same problems. And, you know what, this family member managed to convince 'the outside world' that she was an angel - so no-one would have believed us if we ever told anyone who, for instance, worked with her.

The first thing I thought when I read this was 'bipolar'. However, reading further makes me think your situation is similar to the one we experienced in our family. If so, I feel very bad for you as you must feel completely trapped and helpless. However, if you're willing to do it, I would use the 'divorce' carrot and whatever you do, for your own safety and for your child's, record as much evidence as you can. If the worst happens and you divorce, your wife might end up with the baby if you don't document and verify things - because she sounds like she might be able to persuade anyone that she is a wonderful person. If that happens, then there is a possibility the child could take a lot of this abuse instead of you. This is not your fault, this is a problem with your wife and that problem is not going to go away if you and her split.

Of course, the best situation is that your wife realizes she has a problem and you resolve it as a family. Please don't think I'm judging your wife, I'm really not. I'm just trying to give the best advice I can based on my personal experience. I really hope your family manages to work this problem out and I really feel sorry for you.

I have in the past attempted to suggest that there was a real problem that needed to be addressed. The response was not one that I am capable of working with. This last episode, I openly retaliated with suggesting divorce. For the first time, I threw that out there - only to emphasize the seriousness of the event. I didn't want her to think that her actions would simply lead us to not talk for a few days then everything would be ok. In order to open her eyes to the seriousness of her actions, I did mention divorce. This too was not taken lightly - it only made matters worse.

I believe that she thinks that divorce is not an option for me as we now have a daughter. That seems to be the ace up her sleeve - a garauntee that regardless of her behavior, I am somehow stuck in this situation simply because we have a child.

There are members of her family that I think are approachable - that would understand. I think my strategy will have to open many fronts to help us through this phase. This is what I've concluded so far:

1 - Install camera's or some sort of surveillence in order to CMA (cover my a$$)

2 - Approach members of her family that I think 'might' understand and listen

3 - Have a sitdown of all parties involved (members from her family, my family) and approach the subject - not with the threat of divorce - but rather with a sense of wanting to help. Wanting to make the best of a really bad situation.

4 - If the above works - seek professional assistance - and give that some time.

5 - If the above fails - I have an out - given the surveillence and the fact that professional assistance is being administered - it makes it easier for me to walk away with the child in a divorce if it comes down to that.

Honestly, I don't want divorce - it's my last option. I would rather 'fix' the situation. But sometimes I feel like it's a lost cause. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I never thought I'd come to VJ to vent/talk about this - it was this very site that made it possible to be together....very bittersweet.

[ivona 0]

Hi sonicyouth19,

it's scary how similar your story is to my husband's first marriage- just add the cheating to the list of behaviours exibited by your wife, I asked him to post a reply but he said he cannot deal with it again....

I don't wish to go into immigration issues, what opinion I wish to express concerns your baby.

Until someone has experienced treatment like this they cannot understand what it feels like even with the best intentions at heart. It is not relevant WHY she is acting this way, the fact is she is- it has been brought to her attention and she is not willing to change her behaviour or seek help, instead she uses the baby to manipulate you.

It is sad to say, but women like these are incapable of loving, in their children they see a tool for manipulation and control. BE ABSOLUTELY SURE that you can prove what she is doing to you, because when it comes to custody hearings you cannot allow her to get more than visitation, make sure you get to be named primary residential parent and be very careful about how much visitation rights you are willing to give her....

I'm sorry if I seem crude writing as if the divorce is the only solution, but I speak from experience- as a spouse of someone who was abused like you, and brought to the point of fearing his spouse; he eventually left her but being idealistic about wanting to give his son a chance to know his mother he didn't even try to prove all the things she did to him, as well as the neglect she exibited for the child during their marriage.

Now, as a result she has very liberal visitation rights and abuses her position as a mother of this child to control, manipulate and ultimately punish my husband for remarrying- and this is 6 years AFTER the divorce.

When talking to different lawyers about taking it back to court in order to try and reduce the amount of time she spends with this kid, we were told again and again that the system really doesn't care what she's doing unless there is significant change of circumstance, or without a doubt proof of abuse. DCF won't do ###### for your kid...

In our case, we had situations of child being delivered to school in short sleeves and no socks in 40F temp outside; child brought to school with 102 fever; child being spanked when he told her he wants to be with his dad all the time; and finally a situation in which the uncle (mother's brother) held the child by the throat, pinned him against the wall, and then lifted him up against that same wall, and told him he would kill him if he catches him again playing video games I believe it was. We file for a restraining order against the uncle based on this- DCF, vicitim's advocate with the Sherif's Dept as well as the judge in question all said that they believe without a doubt that this occured (even though the uncle, the mother of the child, and the child's grandmother who lives with the mother all denied the incident) and the restraining order was still not granted....the DCF concluded their investigation with no recommendations for this child to be removed from the uncle's presence.

That is the system for you.....they don't care.

So now, because my husband wanted to give his son a chance to get to know his mother even though the son has always lived with the father from the day my husband left this woman to this day forward, we are basically at the mercy of this woman's whims and manipulations because until she does something drastic enough for the system to say enough is enough our hands are tied....

Please learn from this, don't allow the love and the sentiment for this woman to interfere with the decision you need to make for the benefit of your own child.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

Moving forward, I am not sure what to do - but I do know that I need to know our options. Her lifting of conditions is currently in process - does it make a difference if we moved forward towards divorce before her CR1 expired?

What other complications issues should I be aware of in regards to her status and divorce?

If the marriage is bonafide, divorce should not complicate her immigrant status. Since you've already submitted a joint petition, it can remain in place unless you terminate the marriage prior to its adjudication, in which case USCIS is statutorily unable to approve a jointly filed petition of a couple that are no longer married. Even if such a petition is adjuciated without USCIS' knowledge of a divorce, the alien runs the risk of losing status, should it become known. Should you simply separate in the meantime (though legal separation is another issue) you can leave the joint I-751 in place.

[sonicyouth19 0]

Moving forward, I am not sure what to do - but I do know that I need to know our options. Her lifting of conditions is currently in process - does it make a difference if we moved forward towards divorce before her CR1 expired?

What other complications issues should I be aware of in regards to her status and divorce?

If the marriage is bonafide, divorce should not complicate her immigrant status. Since you've already submitted a joint petition, it can remain in place unless you terminate the marriage prior to its adjudication, in which case USCIS is statutorily unable to approve a jointly filed petition of a couple that are no longer married. Even if such a petition is adjuciated without USCIS' knowledge of a divorce, the alien runs the risk of losing status, should it become known. Should you simply separate in the meantime (though legal separation is another issue) you can leave the joint I-751 in place.

prior to its adjudication - meaning prior to the greencard being generated? if during the time the petition is in process, we get a divorce - does that mean she is at risk of loosing her status.

i've wondered - how would a divorce proceed - especially in regards to child custody if the spouse has no status in the US?Do the courts look more favorably upon the USC? or does it not matter?

for example, let's turn the clock back a few months - say that we had not filed for the I-751 - and gotten a divorce. with a child in the mix, and given that the wife has no status - who would gain custody? would it still favor the mother unles i had a leg to stand on via evidence? i think what i am essentialy trying to ask is does an individuals status (or lack thereof) impact the outcome of a divorce?

[Niels Bohr 72]

I remember seeing a show on TV, " Most Amazing Videos," that a woman was shown with a knife chasing after her husband with the video camera.

[Carlawarla 1]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It must be devastating to have someone you love behave in this fashion. While you may love and care about your wife, your child has to be the foremost in your thoughts. My belief is that this child is in imminent danger, and should be taken by yourself to someone's home immediately, or that you leave with the child.

I then think you need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist yourself, to present your information and perhaps encourage some type of intervention meeting with you, your wife, and the professional.

Trying to work this out...suggesting divorce if she doesn't get help...hoping to convince her to seek help...recording of information and her behaviour are all well and good, however my concern is that given her behaviour, your child is in danger while these things are taking place. Not that you as well aren't in danger of being physically harmed, however you can leave the situation, your child cannot.

Another avenue may be calling child and family services. One poster suggested NOT calling them. I disagree. You are living in a home where domestic violence is involved. Your legal, your moral, your ethical duty is ensuring the safety of your child. Don't be negligent in your parental responsibilities for the "sake" of your wife.

Carla

[sonicyouth19 0]

this is a such a confusing situation - i think if i don't do anything quick, i may become a basket case. between having to 'pretend' that i am fine at home - keep up with work, and restless nights of sleep - i'm loosing my mind!

[diadromous mermaid 36]

prior to its adjudication - meaning prior to the greencard being generated? if during the time the petition is in process, we get a divorce - does that mean she is at risk of loosing her status.

A divorce that occurs prior to adjudication of the pending jointly-filed petition means a divorce happening prior to a decision being made on whether the petition is denied or approved. If denied, it's moot. If approved, then, yes, there could be an issue.

i've wondered - how would a divorce proceed - especially in regards to child custody if the spouse has no status in the US?Do the courts look more favorably upon the USC? or does it not matter?

for example, let's turn the clock back a few months - say that we had not filed for the I-751 - and gotten a divorce. with a child in the mix, and given that the wife has no status - who would gain custody? would it still favor the mother unles i had a leg to stand on via evidence? i think what i am essentialy trying to ask is does an individuals status (or lack thereof) impact the outcome of a divorce?

The alien does not lose status until a determination has been made, or no I-751 has been filed prior to the expiry of the GC. Immigrant status should have no bearing in the divorce. In so far as child custody issues related to the divorce are concerened, I'd imagine custody would be awarded to the individual that could offer the child the best care and most stabel environment. Naturally, an alien that is precluded from remaining in one domain and would not be able to work might be viewed less favourably by the court, but then again, in terms of child care not working could be vewied as a plus! It will all boil down to the family court judge. I doubt that immigrant status comes up much in their consideration, however.

[mmb 0]

I will leave advice about your wife's immigration status to others, it's irrelevant to the real issue, the safety of you and your child.

This woman has assaulted you, scarred as well as scared you, frightened your mother and threatened your child. You child must be protected from her. Get sworn statements from everyone who has witnessed this behaviour, talk to a professional about her oputbursts as this will be more evidence you can use to protect your child.

You have said her outbursts are unpredictable, she can't be trusted with your child. You need to make sure you have all the evidence you need to make sure you have custody and that she has no unsupervised access. Get you evidence together, get a restraining order and get her out of your baby's home ASAP.

You have to put your child first before anyone or anything in your life.

[dxt7339 1]

Absolutely, get the camera and record several of these abusive and threating episodes to you and your child. You will not have a chance in heck, in keeping your child away from this psycho, unless you have very strong and hard evidence of her destructive behavior and the danger she is to the child! ! ! I can not stress this enough. Divorce laws are really screwy and it must be unusual circumstances to take all custody away from a parent, especially the mother.

Do not waste your time trying to confront or convince her to seek help. If she is not able to recognize her own problem, you will never convince her and only make matters worse.

I wish you all the strength and wisdon in you situation! ! ! !

Take care,

Devereux

I have a suggestion: Install a small camera/microphone and record her next three or four outbursts and the events leading up to them. You know the camera is there but she does not. This can be done for under $200.00. A small price to pay for a little bit of leverage. After you record a really good confrontation, make a second recording of everything and store it off-site in a safe location. Then show her the tapes, and see how she reacts. Tell her that any future outbursts will not be tolerated, and divorce her at the next one. You'll quite likely walk away with the children and the bulk of the assets, leaving her with what she deserves... not much at all!

i was researching exactly that last night. i don't mind spending a few hundred dollars if it somehow helps better the situation - or even acts a safegaurd to help me prove my case in a court of law if and when needed.

however, this is what i fear - we've gotten to a tipping point. her actions have only gotten worse over the course of all these episodes. prior to this last one, i was never afraid. now i am. i am afraid. afraid that the next time this happens, it will only be a lot worse - and this point, a lot worse would involve bodily harm. i almost feel like although a camera would capture who the victim is and who the perpretrator is - it may be too late. i am afraid of another episode!!

[sonicyouth19 0]

thanks guys.

feel like a prisoner in my own home. living in fear - have you ever wanted to stay at work longer? 1.5 hours after i got home, i've emmersed myself in work - and continued to work for the next 4-5 hours.

it's an escape. work.......i'll get off my soapbox now - i've appreciated all the responses. i'll keep this thread alive with any updates. hopefully i'll have more positive and optimistic updates. king of wishful thinking? let's see......

[NYPeach 13]

Please get onto this forum immediately - they are brutally honest, be prepared, but they know their stuff, particularly when it comes to a father gaining full custody: http://www.dadsdivorce.com/forum

Best of luck to you - I cannot imagine having a spouse behaving this way.

[Lizzy 0]

Could it be Post Partom depression? I had this around the birth of my daughter and it lasted 6 months. Althrough never once did i threaten or want to hurt my child.

My family has a history of bi-polar and it soo sounds like what my aunt goes through.. exact same things. She really does need proffestional help, if you cant get her to go for you, get her to go for your child.

Also in the UK you can get something called a Section.. where the patient is put into mental health care by a doctor, can this be done here?

Hope you are feeling ok and are safe today.

[broma25 2]

Lizzy

Yes there is something similar to Section over here, I have fogotten though what they call it.