Musings of a Man challenged by his Marraige

[sonicyouth19 0]

Let me begin with the fact that I am an old-timer on this site. This was a handle I created ages ago when I felt as though I had a need to vent and discover options. I never had the guts to to through with it. Over the years I have developed some friends through VJ and friends in the real world have used VJ for their own personal visa journey's - they know my handle - thus, for my privacy and confidentiality - I have taken on this handle to seek out options, advice.

I don't really know where to begin - had I started to write out the entire story it would probably bog down the VJ servers. Luckily for me, I have probably chosen to forget the majority of pain I've endured these past few years. So let's start, with the basics......

I'm a guy, and I am the USC. Been married for a couple of years and currently going through lifting of conditions. We also have had a baby.

Over the past few years our relationship has been turbulent at best. We've had great times - I've enjoyed them throroughly. However, the flip side of that coin is dark and ugly. We've had more than our share of arguements and fights. At first I felt as though it was merely an adjustment phase on the wife's behalf - missing her life back home. But learned quickly that this wasn't the case neccesarily. Our fights would come quick, last a day and then things would be ok - for a few weeks, months even. Then boom. Out of the blue the situation would explode. It would get extremely out of hand - to the point that I have a 3 inch scar on my arm. She would become both verbally and physically abusive. In response, I too would resort to becoming verbally abusive - but never physically abusive. She would say and do things that I .... couldn't even phatom. It would be completely out of character of her. I would be torn between shock and anger. It was as though she would go from being an absolutely normal, caring, loving and happy individual to super-b!tch in under 3 seconds. Screaming, shouting, threatening, etc. For whatever reasons (stupidity) I dealt with it - made excuses to the situation and figured it would magically go away.

Unfortunately - it has not gone away. Infact, it has only gotten worse. Although these episodes occur less frequently, they now occur with more intensity. The last episode came to life on Saturday. I was afraid for the well-being of myself, the baby, and other family members. To be honest, I have blacked out all that has happened as it all seemed like one big car wreck. It was so explosive that either the pain I've felt in the aftermath or just the sheer overwhelming nature of her behavior keeps me from remembering the details. My mother was present at the time - and she too was a victim of my wife's wrath. She too was afraid of being physically assaulted. At one juncture, I had to prevent my wife from attacking my mother my literally tackling her away. I can remember my wife storming up the stairs with the baby at one point mumbling something to the affect of 'Watch what I do to the baby now'. That sucked the life out of me - the fear I felt at that point was absolutely unimaginable. You must be wondering what it was we fought about - to be honest, I haven't the slightest clue anymore. None.

Somewhere in this episode, I picked up the phone - out of simple fear - to call 911 - as I had no alternative. Although the out of control situation neccesitated it in a purely self defense mechanism - I haven't the guts to strike back at the wife. Simply out of the fear that if the cops show up in that predicament - it's always the guy who's at fault. I didn't want to take that chance. Nevertheless, I had the phone yanked from me and hurled across the room. She has aslo threatened me and my family (needless to say my parents are familiar with the situation) to not tell her family or she will make our lives hell.

You know - I haven't the writing ability to do justice to the wrath of my wife - but in a nutshell, it's as scary as watching a scene from the Excorcist - there was a moment in there where she fell to the ground and started to shake/convulse

............but if you met her, and spent a few hours with her - you would never believe a word that I said above. You would call me a liar and have no respect for me thinking I am giving my wife a bad name. Because, she is absolutely the sweetest person otherwise. It is a complete manner of Jekly and Hide.

I've come to the conclusion that I simply refuse to continue on with life living in fear and anticipation of her next explosion. It's like living next to a volcano. And there are no pre-defined triggers - none that I can atleast determine. It just 'happens'. The slightest thing will set her off - and from there it becomes a nightmare.

After this last time - I have begun to fear for my physical well being - as well as that of our child. In the past, we have casually mentioned to her and her family members that maybe she ought to seek professional help. Unfortunately, that has only been taken as an insult by her - she feels as though we are suggesting that she's a nut case and belongs in an asylum. No one is suggesting that - and I feel there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help.

Moving forward, I am not sure what to do - but I do know that I need to know our options. Her lifting of conditions is currently in process - does it make a difference if we moved forward towards divorce before her CR1 expired? The only difference I can see is that had I made a decision to divorce beforehand - she would no longer be able to live in the US once the CR1 expired. But now, having waited until afterwards - she can continue to live here for as long as she wills.

What other complications issues should I be aware of in regards to her status and divorce?

And - honestly, divorce is the last option for me - the first would be to convince her or her family members that she needs professional assistance. Is this worth my time? Does anyone have any idea of conditions or ailments that would plague someone and cause them to swing this extremely - for no legitimate reasons at all?

Thanks for any words of wisdom you can shed my way

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Very sorry, she does need some medical help, has the family ever acknowledged past history of this kind? DO whats best for you and the baby being sure it is always protected, hopefully she will accept the help.

[sonicyouth19 0]

Very sorry, she does need some medical help, has the family ever acknowledged past history of this kind? DO whats best for you and the baby being sure it is always protected, hopefully she will accept the help.

no, they haven't acknowledged it - however we have suspicion to believe that they are slightly aware of it. maybe they are in denial. as we had been for a couple of years.

...sometimes it is difficult for those around you (parents, siblings) to believe that there is a problem. i don't know - or maybe they knew all along.

[Lisa and Spence 0]

Be upfront with her. Tell her that if she does not see a professional for help with the mood swings and violent outbursts, then you have no other choice but to look into divorce for your own safety and the safety of the baby. Maybe she will be willing to do it if she is aware that she is losing her marriage due to her outbursts.

I wish you the best during this difficult time.

[Ta Ta 1]

She needs a psych evaluation, a hormone panel and appropriate meds and then you may

have a chance to save your marriage.

Tell her enough is enough and do not tolerate this behaviour anymore.

Call the police if she does not want to own her rage ... that may be the wake up call

she needs.

Protect your child and don't allow this chaos to affect your child in a traumatic way

that will have lasting scars.

[ding 1]

This is a hairy situation.

DO NOT call the Child Protective Services. I have heard many horrifying stories once ensnared by them. They will not help, especially not your child.

Medication seems risky but maybe best coupled with therapy - that sound out of the question. But have you asked family to do an intervention? Have you used you cell to video an episode?

[sonicyouth19 0]

Be upfront with her. Tell her that if she does not see a professional for help with the mood swings and violent outbursts, then you have no other choice but to look into divorce for your own safety and the safety of the baby. Maybe she will be willing to do it if she is aware that she is losing her marriage due to her outbursts.

I wish you the best during this difficult time.

...i wish being upfront was as easy. on the times i have attempted, i have come across as being insulting - or that is her perception. i need to find a time and way to be more correct in my approach.

at times when we do attempt to discuss, i feel as though i am talking to a 2 yr old.......there is absolutely no getting through.

This is a hairy situation.

DO NOT call the Child Protective Services. I have heard many horrifying stories once ensnared by them. They will not help, especially not your child.

Medication seems risky but maybe best coupled with therapy - that sound out of the question. But have you asked family to do an intervention? Have you used you cell to video an episode?

no, i have never had the presence or mind,or been close enough to my cell to video it ...though the thought has crossed my mind many a time...wish i had though...really do.

[Ladylethal 12]

From what I am reading, it may be more than a case of mood swing. You should seek medical help for her in terms of testing for more serious illnesses, like Huntington's disease.

[maya62 7]

An opinion and a question...

If your wife will not go to a psychologist, I think it would be a good idea for you to go to a reputable, qualified psychologist and get some professional advice about how to approach the situation with her, especially since physical safety (and particularly the safety of a child) are in jeopardy.

I am wondering, too, how does your wife behave once the "storm" has passed? Is she at all remorseful?

Sounds like a very tough situation. I'd be very worried about the safety of my child.

Best wishes,

Maya

[JT4/25 38]

Sorry for what you are going through. Your wife sounds Bi-polar. Everything you describe...describes my BIL to a tee. The outbursts are few and far between...but when they occur...I know my sister fears for her life too. Unfortunately, if your wife will not accept a medical evaluation or a psychologist...or counseling...you have to offer her an ultimatum...get help or get out....for your babies protection. You can't live like this. I watch the life being sucked out of my sister on a daily basis now. Good luck to you.

[Jenn! 918]

I'm no psychologist, but she sounds bipolar to me, or borderline personality disorder at the very least. It also sounds like you are not very well equipped to be the one to broach the topic with her at this point. Is it possible that the stigma she appears to be associating with "getting help" may be due to cultural differences? My advice would be for *you* to go see a psychiatrist to explain the situation. I'm sure that he would be able to help you figure out the best way to bring the subject up with your wife so that she does not feel insulted and rather, is able to understand how treatment will help her to better your lives.

Best of luck to you.

[sonicyouth19 0]

An opinion and a question...

If your wife will not go to a psychologist, I think it would be a good idea for you to go to a reputable, qualified psychologist and get some professional advice about how to approach the situation with her, especially since physical safety (and particularly the safety of a child) are in jeopardy.

I am wondering, too, how does your wife behave once the "storm" has passed? Is she at all remorseful?

Sounds like a very tough situation. I'd be very worried about the safety of my child.

Best wishes,

Maya

sometimes she is. this last time, i do not see the slightest amount of remorse. it's back to life as usual. almost as though nothing has happened.

[moelarrycheese 0]

I have a suggestion: Install a small camera/microphone and record her next three or four outbursts and the events leading up to them. You know the camera is there but she does not. This can be done for under $200.00. A small price to pay for a little bit of leverage. After you record a really good confrontation, make a second recording of everything and store it off-site in a safe location. Then show her the tapes, and see how she reacts. Tell her that any future outbursts will not be tolerated, and divorce her at the next one. You'll quite likely walk away with the children and the bulk of the assets, leaving her with what she deserves... not much at all!

[Mark UK 3]

I have a suggestion: Install a small camera/microphone and record her next three or four outbursts and the events leading up to them. You know the camera is there but she does not. This can be done for under $200.00. A small price to pay for a little bit of leverage. After you record a really good confrontation, make a second recording of everything and store it off-site in a safe location. Then show her the tapes, and see how she reacts. Tell her that any future outbursts will not be tolerated, and divorce her at the next one. You'll quite likely walk away with the children and the bulk of the assets, leaving her with what she deserves... not much at all!

I had a family member like this. All I can say to you is that:

• presenting evidence of their behaviour to the individual did not do any good, despite confronted by it, they still refused to admit they had a problem and got even angrier that you dared to suggest they had a problem
  
• any threat to 'escalate' such as divorce proceedings backfired and made the situation a LOT worse
  

The family member had some major self-denial issues and - whilst I'm no psychologist - the fact your wife is not remorseful and acts like it never happened the following sounds like she might have the same problems. And, you know what, this family member managed to convince 'the outside world' that she was an angel - so no-one would have believed us if we ever told anyone who, for instance, worked with her.

The first thing I thought when I read this was 'bipolar'. However, reading further makes me think your situation is similar to the one we experienced in our family. If so, I feel very bad for you as you must feel completely trapped and helpless. However, if you're willing to do it, I would use the 'divorce' carrot and whatever you do, for your own safety and for your child's, record as much evidence as you can. If the worst happens and you divorce, your wife might end up with the baby if you don't document and verify things - because she sounds like she might be able to persuade anyone that she is a wonderful person. If that happens, then there is a possibility the child could take a lot of this abuse instead of you. This is not your fault, this is a problem with your wife and that problem is not going to go away if you and her split.

Of course, the best situation is that your wife realizes she has a problem and you resolve it as a family. Please don't think I'm judging your wife, I'm really not. I'm just trying to give the best advice I can based on my personal experience. I really hope your family manages to work this problem out and I really feel sorry for you.

[Aussielad 37]

sounds like she is bi-polar and needs alot of professional help. All the best, your in our prayers.