Long distance problems

[Pearl1973 1]

Not long ago, I was chatting with my fiancé on tango (video chat) and just lost it. I broke down completely. I told him the distance was killing me, me being a single mother was killing me, and me trying to keep a household up by myself was killing me. (4 kids) I will never forget it. I've always been the strong one in our relationship. Always holding it together for us. Telling him to remain Positive, to keep holding on. This was almost 2 and a half years of built up worry, and stress, and I let it all come out at once. I almost left him over it. At the time I was thinking, well I can fall in love with someone here, I can find someone here, and not have to wait or deal with any of this. Then reality sank in. The entire reason I've been with this man, and put up with all I have, is because I love him. It's because I fell in love with him, and even though he lives on the other side of the world, I will NEVER ever find anyone who compares to him. The stress of it all is so overwhelming at times, but I can't imagine not being with him. I could search this entire world over, and never truly find someone who will make me happy the way he does. And it's difficult. It doesn't really get any easier, but I know that we love one another, and that we will never be truly happy with anyone else. So we hold on, we wait it out, and we continue loving each other. Even if it is love from half way around the world, there's no other love I'd rather have. People search for their soulmate their entire lives, and some never find them. I got lucky, as did many of the other people here, to even find my soulmate, even if he does live far away. So that's how I hold on. I know there's no one else I'd rather be with. No one in this entire world.

Amen! This is exactly what used to happen to me and I would think of the same things you mentioned to remain focused. He is here now with me and it feels so good. I could ask for better.

[Pennycat 880]

I'd suggest first doing some soul searching and trying to check in with what's "really" bothering you. If it's truly the immigration process, ok. The only real advice is to try to think about it as little as possible, only when you have to (like when/if you fall out of normal timeframe, or it's time to do the embassy checklist etc) because there is *nothing* you can do about it at this stage in the game. But honestly, this process could just be a scapegoat.

This is a very stressful time, generally, with moving and marriage looming and possibly wedding planning (which under the best and most laid back of circumstances can still be fairly overwhelming). Do a gut check and see if there's something lurking there, and address that. Just because you may be nervous/stressed/mixed feelings about moving and marriage and all that doesn't mean you're having doubts or are doing the wrong thing-- it means that you're going into many giant life changes at once with your eyes open. That's a good thing. You just need to properly manage the feelings that come along with it.

What you can also do is embrace some of the positive things about being "single"/ living alone etc. Go to a movie he'd never want to see, at the spur of the moment, on a weeknight after work. You don't need to check in with his plans, or make sure that it's ok (meaning he hasn't cooked dinner/ is counting on you to do X when you get home, whatever). That sort of impromptu independence won't be around much longer. Take a little trip by yourself or with friends who you won't be seeing for a long time. Take advantage of the proximity and cheap flights to other European destinations-- you won't be going THERE for a really good long time. Instead of impatiently waiting for the next chapter to start, finish up this one nicely-- fill in the pages! You'll never have that stage of your life again and even if you're over it and really, really itching for the next stage.... no harm in celebrating it as its ending, rather than treating it like something to be discarded.

[Mamabrown3 17]

The universal human story of love with its ups and downs. I say this because as I read through the different posts and see all the different countries represented-- we all are struggling in one way or another through this process the same. Maybe some more than others, but we all can and should find some kind of comfort in knowing we aren't alone and in fact our feelings are very normal.

Everything I would give as advise has already been said. What I will say is WRITE. That's right.... Write down all your emotions and feels in a journal. Sometimes we need to just get our feelings out of us. Sometime my emotions have caused more damage in a moment of anger than I would like to admit to and I have had to learn this the hard way.

I have found that the distance causes me to be hyper-reactive to situations more than I would be when we are together. I also find that my imagination can get the better of me-- especially if he doesn't answer the phone or facetime right away...

Just remember that this too is only a small part of your whole life together.

[SMAlexander 7]

I am going through the same thing at this time im here in the US and he is in the Islands..The arguing is ridiculous. Will be married 6 months on tomorrow. I believe the distance is the worse! But thankfully im able to travel as often as possible but im not even motivated for that because of the arguing and pettiness... Im feeling a sense of regret and just would rather my old life back. He comes home from work to an empty apartment and calls me stressing over the loneliness and the waiting. I tell him this is what we signed up for and its a process and that we have to have faith. We are waiting on our NOA2, but I have to keep praying because im not there anymore..I told him that I need space... I need time to breath....I just want to walk away...

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

it was really hard as we went through this immigraiton nightmare for 6 years

i did my best to stay postiive and not bring up the issues i was having at home taking care of someone with arthritis and multiple surgeries

I knew he was discouraged and trying to work and care for 11 family members

So, i kept saying "We will win/ we will get through this"

I listened to him and after i was offline, i talked to my sister a lot trying to stay positive

I know immigration is overwhelmed with applications and issues but they seem to drag their feet and many have given up

Woman I know from Boston traveled, met her bf, was prepared to marry but mother said NO / she came back pregnant and with they broke up

I made one last visit for 3 months before his interview and had saved 3 years to really enjoy that trip / that helped a lot

Try to get back into the romance / forget the immigration talk unless it is something you need from each other for the process

Just say "this will be worth it as i met someone special" and keep that thought in your head as well as your heart

If we can make it, anyone can

Good luck

Don't give up

[Mamabrown3 17]

I am going through the same thing at this time im here in the US and he is in the Islands..The arguing is ridiculous. Will be married 6 months on tomorrow. I believe the distance is the worse! But thankfully im able to travel as often as possible but im not even motivated for that because of the arguing and pettiness... Im feeling a sense of regret and just would rather my old life back. He comes home from work to an empty apartment and calls me stressing over the loneliness and the waiting. I tell him this is what we signed up for and its a process and that we have to have faith. We are waiting on our NOA2, but I have to keep praying because im not there anymore..I told him that I need space... I need time to breath....I just want to walk away...

No..No...No.. Don't walk away. I too am going through the exact same thing. Some days he has an attitude for no reason or throws what I call "tantrums", but its from the distance.

Find comfort in knowing you aren't alone and what you are experiencing is real and more common than maybe you thought. I hope you can find peace in that.

[mfranc68 31]

Two words....Phone sex......or even better Skype sex........

All kidding aside, even from half way around the world you still need to feel close to your partner and it can help to maintain that bond. Everything everyone else has said makes sense, but some days you might need a little something extra. So go head and schedule a "date night", some alone time when it's just the two of you.. Get a bottle of wine, play some music, wear something sexy and just loose yourself in each other. It also helps to relieve some of that "stress"....

[SanneW 30]

We have gone through the same, we even wanted to break up plenty of times because of all the heartbroken and stress we had in the distance... But somehow we stayed strong eventho our relationship was going downhill... But I also have to add that the fact we were in the Texas backlog didn't help at all. Our K1 took a year, which is ridiculously long for a K1. But we gone through it, stayed strong, stayed together. We kept telling eachother "once we are together it will be better" and it is. I used to cry every night back when we were still on distance, because I couldn't take it anymore!

Now, after living together since December, everything is going better than ever. I am so happy we stayed strong and pulled through, because it really is worth it in the end.

I hope this will help you a bit knowing that things can change when being together. Tho keep in mind, there is always a chance it goes the other way, but you can always move back if you have to, if you're not happy.

[Andrea&Henry 311]

any issue related to immigration is very strefull itself let alone family related visas.

I've been part of visajourney for the past 5 years since I was applying for my k1 visa and I can tell you...the k1 visa is this kind of stuff that can brings you closer or tear relationships apart...and in 5 years I've seen both.

I want you to know it's absolutely normal to feel the way you do...relationships are not easy, its a daily challenge and definitely and 24/7 commitment and I know first hand that distances and visas put an extra weight on it.

However, I can tell you after 5 years of marriage, a baby, 7 months k1 visa, 2 green cards and a 3 months citizenship process, I feel grateful because everything we went through made our relationship and our marriage stronger than ever. Granted, it was hard...specially because my homecountry is a complete disaster. I lived in the 2nd more dangerous city in the world, is really hard to shop for food, medicines etc etc. I counted each day like prisoner, because that's how I felt in my own country.

We missed anniversaries, birthdays, hard moments, regular dates etc because we were apart and it was not safe for him to come to my country so the only thing we could was pray and wait. What it helped a lot is that I tried my best not to bring my issues or bad moments whenever we talked (living in Venezuela it;s horrible, I was miserable)...so I tried to use our time together through skype, just to talk about all the positive things and focus in our future together....

It was like my haven, my moment of piece and to forget for a couple of hours, the terrible situation we were living in my country. We used to watch movies together, or have dinner...for us..distances would not be an issue to share our everyday life so one way or another we made it work.

After I moved here and we started our life together under the same roof, it was completely surreal...specially the 1st couple of days...waking up next to me it was like a dream come true and still is. We went through a lot to be together so we value each other more than anything... because we know how it feels when we were apart. We also never take a moment for granted...even after 4-5 years living together, we sure enjoy every silly moment we get to spend together...because, as I was saying, we know exactly how it feels to been away from the person your love.

That sadness and that nostalgia it's pretty much alive in our minds still...like a constant reminder...but in the end it's pretty positive.

I know exactly how you feel, I know the feeling of being desperate to see your loveone, to be with the person, to be able to what normal couples do...this visa stuff takes a toll in your relationship at some point but if you really love each other, you must do everything in your power to remain positive.

It's absolutely ok not to be ok sometimes, if you feel miserable one day and you think you wont bring anything positive to the conversation that day, it's ok to excuse yourself and talk later... keeping yourself busy like working, studying, hanging out with family and friends, makes a world of a difference because time and waiting feels less daunting.

I also remember because of the distance, we couldn't do anything like regular couple do, so we only talk...talk a lot...about everythinggg!! we talked about our lives, our past, our dreams etc so we got to a point where we truly knew each other...which is also a very positive things... Talk about things you like, talk about your expectations, talk about your dreams for your future together, make a few plans. Those kinds of conversations kept me sane during the 7 months of waiting...Focusing in our life ahead was what it kept me going and remained positive until I was able to moved to the States.

It's challeging, it's hard but it's SOOOO worthy...

On the same token, all this stress and all this challenges will show you guys if it really worth it for you...it will show how bad you want to be together and if it's a right choice...I've seen many peoples breaking up because they couldn't handle the pressure of a long distance relationship. And I don't considered it a failure...I think it was very useful because if you cannot handle this as a couple, I strongly doubt you will handle a marriage.

Either way is going to help you to see if this the right path for you....

Lots of blessings for you

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

To all Morocco VJ'ers

yes, Morocco did block cam and calls from skype, whats app and viber to its citizens so calling free by cam is no longer available

download VPN for both parties and it will connect you to a server from a different country like France or Spain

no password needed

then you are free to talk on cam again

[Rc123rc 528]

To all Morocco VJ'ers

yes, Morocco did block cam and calls from skype, whats app and viber to its citizens so calling free by cam is no longer available

download VPN for both parties and it will connect you to a server from a different country like France or Spain

no password needed

then you are free to talk on cam again

Oh, that is just mean for Morocco to do that. At least there is a work around.

I have to say for those who are are having so much trouble coping with the stress, "Ganbatte!" which means good luck or work hard. Stress comes in many forms and sources. Possible from something you are not even aware of. But, it is never a good idea to take it out on your partner. You're both going through a lot. You're both supposed to be supporting each other. There will always be good and bad times. Take a break, take some deep breaths. Cherish your relationship. Help each other through it.

[chiggins82 88]

I feel for you! This is the hardest part and I think when you are just waiting to leave, it gets even tougher. I made mistakes during the process. I started dropping out of my life in Canada. I figured it would be easier to leave if I wasn't so close to people. Try to not do that!! Remember to take time for yourself. You have no idea if you are leaving in a month or a year.. it is out of your control. Make sure you go out and be a local tourist. Go do things in your current home town that you haven't done in a while. I even made a bucket list at one point.

As for you and your Fiance, this is so tough and everyone will be different about it. For me, we were communicating all the time.. like more than maybe normal. We started every morning with an email and ended every night with an email. No days were skipped! Honestly, we are still doing the morning email now a year after I moved.

Some days, I would skype and just be bummed and cry or get angry and take things out on him. That wasn't fair of me and I am lucky that he seemed to get it. That said, we didn't miss a skype call. Whether for you that is every night or week.. You should do it. Some of our skype calls got ridiculous.. we would just do chores together. We even from time to time would attempt to sync our TV;s so we could watch a show at the same time. Even though these calls got really boring and sometimes caused arguments, I am glad we always did it.. Made things more real.

Some other suggestions (I didn't read all posts, so sorry if this is repeated)

• Get a mutual hobby - Maybe do like Duolingo or something with the same language or start watching a show together so you have things to discuss that aren't immigration and how everything sucks because immigration is not fun
• Do research on your new city - I figured my husband would help here... and he was not a help. He didn't know the town at all. I was stuck for months without a job and on my own. Have a plan for something things you want to accomplish when you get here... like going to tourist attractions, maybe taking seminars or community involved etc.
• Find someone to vent to - Do you know others that have been in a long distance relationship? Or just a friend that is a great listener? Sometimes it just helps to vent. Most won't get it, but I found this helpful sometimes
• online games - Like words with friends or chess or something that you could have on your phone and pass back and forth regardless of time zones
• Blog - Lots of people on here blog.. I tried for a while. Even if you don't keep it up, blogging is a nice way to vent frustrations and it is super time consuming when you start one up.
• Plan - Worry about what you can control and spend time working on it. Things like, what are you taking when you move, What you need to get SSN, Adjust status, wedding plans etc.. (I'll be honest this one I did and sometimes was great to keep my mind focused on the future... other time, cause stress...)

In the end, this time is very stressful and it is that much harder when you are not with the person going through it with you. It can feel isolating at times and it is very difficult not to obsess about the parts you can't control (like how long you wait!) I hope it helps to know that we are all there with you or have been there before.

Above all else, communication is key however you do that. You don't get the luxury of going to pout for an hour and then give your fiance a hug and apologize for being cranky. Be honest and open and talk about how you're feeling. When you can't talk, email or use Viber.

Hope this and all the other advice helps!!

[kandikandi 31]

I replied to this already but I have one more suggestion for you.

What helps my fiance and I to get through the boredom of waiting is having shared experiences. We use a site called Rabbit that allows us both to watch tv shows, movies, youtube etc together. You both also webcam at the same time so you can see each other's reactions while you're watching the same things at the exact same time.

We chose which shows we wanted to follow and every week we make a date to sit and catch up on our shows. Its fun because while we are waiting for a new episode to come out we have a good time discussing all the drama and anticipating the new episode. Sometimes we even karaoke. lol

The key here is that shared experiences may bring you two closer together. Rabbit was a gem of a find for us and I hope it adds a little fun to everyone else's relationship.

The link : https://rabb.it/

Have fun!

[thrashunreal 20]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded on here. More than anything it feels very good to know that there are other people who are feeling or who have felt this way.

I feel like for me the stress lies in being apart, certainly, but even more so in the uncertainty of my life for the foreseeable future. I am unable to confide in many people here because I am so close to my colleagues; I have told a small handful of friends but am scared to announce anything until I have my visa in hand because obviously I don't want to alert my workplace of my intentions to leave. And I feel like I am living some sort of double life where I cannot feel completely happy and excited about moving to Texas as it could be any number of months, there could be any number of complications, and I am so fed up of feeling like I am stuck in Groundhog Day in work/life without being able to talk about my worries with really anyone that I am with on a daily basis for fear of compromising my position in the company.

I'm a very open person and find comfort in talking to people about my worries, so for me to have this huge secret is very tough! Ha. This stress transfers to me admittedly taking out upset moods and frustrations on my sweet, kind and chilled fiance who I am sure cannot understand why I am so highly strung all the time. We are very different personalities and normally it works but you know - this s**t's hard!

It's funny that although I know things will be stressful and tough for us when I am initially there, and indeed over the span of our lives as we will go through everything together, this particular period feels like it could be the toughest on me. I don't deal well in uncertainties and I have been militantly checking my timeline, checking the USCIS app, checking the USCIS website... Have already done my police certificate and informed my GP they may need to write me a letter regarding my anxiety to reassure the person doing my medical that I am functioning! (I have a history of anxiety and depression so obviously this doesn't help with the amount of stress the K1/any sort of visa causes)

I truly do appreciate everyone's detailed and thoughtful responses, I am sorry I did not post a more personal response to each of you. If anyone wants to message me and stay in touch please feel free to - one person already did and I plan to respond to them when I have some time this afternoon.

Trying really hard to stay more present and enjoy day to day life rather than dwelling on 'what ifs' and whatnot. If anyone has some advice for that, hit me!