Another weddingish post

[Autumnchik 6]

Okay, here's the story: My husband and I are having our church wedding ceremony / reception on April 21. My mom, my aunt and a couple of my old high schools friends planned me a shower for next weekend. My maid of honor didn't participate in shower plans until the last minute, after a bunch of plans were made and then she tried to change them. She also complained to me about my high school friends ... "Why are they doing this, they should have consulted me, I am the maid of honor?"

Let me say that I was not upset that she had not participated in plans. I thought it was sweet that my mom, aunt and HS friends had gotten together to plan a shower. Also, they are all in CT (where the shower will be held) and the maid of honor lives in Boston. So, I had understood why she was not as involved in plans, just due to logistics. However, I then felt like I had to deal with the fallout AFTER she did get involved and offended my mom and aunt and complained about my other friends .... make peace between all of them.

Okay, so that is done, everything seems to be working out with that. So, last night, I was told about the next hurdle.

There are a fair number of out-of-town guests coming to the wedding, so my mom and I located a motel that was pretty close to the church and the reception site and have reserved a block of rooms if people choose to stay there. Last night, one of my bridesmaids who lives in GA told me that she had heard that the hotel has had a bunch of break-ins. Apparently, my maid of honor told her and another GA bridesmaid that and is working on trying to find us another hotel. She apparently said that she had seen online reviews that talked about break-ins.

I was really thrown off ... first, because my mom and I spent time trying to find an inexpensive hotel that was safe and clean. My relatives had visited the hotel to check it out, my mom had talked to the police about safety, and I had researched on-line reviews (none of which mentioned thefts). However, there is a same name hotel in the next town over that is in the hood; that may be what the maid of honor is thinking of. Also, I admit I was annoyed because my maid of honor was aware of our efforts to find a hotel and did not offer to help, etc. until (yet again) AFTER plans are made (my husband's family has already reserved a bunch of rooms there) and now she is trying to relocate everyone.

Okay, another piece to this story: I talked to one of my bridesmaids last night (knowing I did not need to call my maid of honor right then!!!) Finally, she admitted that my maid of honor is trying to plan a surpise bachelorette party the night before the wedding and that is why she is trying to relocate all of the guests, so we can stay in a hotel she chooses.

This is the piece that I feel like I am being such a ######:

My maid of honor has asked me many times what I would like to do for a bachelorette party. I have been very clear (so I thought) in telling her, no matter what we did, that the only time I did NOT want to do anything was the night before the wedding, because we have the rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner and my hubby and I plan on spending some time with our families as they get to know each other. Plus, I have to be up early the next day and don't want to be sleep deprived and / or hungover on my wedding day.

I am pissed that it feels like she is not listening to me and has, again, taken over plans that have already been made and is screwing things up. Also, I have told her that my hubby and I plan on spending our wedding night in my mom's RV. We lived in the RV for several months when we first came to New Hampshire, and it has sentimental value to us. I thought I had been clear on that point, but I also learned that she thinks we should stay in a hotel and is trying to arrange a hotel room for our wedding night too.

I feel guilty though, because I also feel like I should be so thankful that she is trying to plan a surprise for me and is TRYING to be thoughtful. Its just that she and I are very different people and what would be nice for her is not what my husband and I want.

ARGH! I am also not supposed to know about the surprise plans ..... SO how do I handle this???

[Fandango 1,439]

Tell the friend who told you the secret to tell the MOH that the night before is an absolute no-go

[Autumnchik 6]

I did, but she was not willing to do that ..... she felt that I should handle it and come up with an excuse.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

State your plans and your wishes to all and let it be known this is FINAL.

[Fandango 1,439]

I did, but she was not willing to do that ..... she felt that I should handle it and come up with an excuse.

Then tell her she's a troublemaking bigmouth and now just throw her under the bus and confront the MOH

[Mags 112]

I don't think you are being a ####### at all. Don't forget, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. You stated that the night before was a no-go and she has made plans regardless.

Personally, I would just speak to the MOH, not giving away who told you and tell her that although you appreciate the effort, the night before is simply a no-go. At some point you are going to have to take control of this situation, the longer you leave it the worse it will get. Speak to her now, if she gets offended then she is more interested in herself than you.

Edited March 17, 2007 by mags

[SoL. 0]

I wonder if your MOH is really thinking about YOUR interests or HERS.

If you are not supposed to be aware of the bachelorette party, just tell her your plans again to refresh her memory (Night before wedding = no party!)

I wish you the best of luck on this special day!

I did, but she was not willing to do that ..... she felt that I should handle it and come up with an excuse.

Then tell her she's a troublemaking bigmouth and now just throw her under the bus and confront the MOH

Oh LisaD, now I got a picture in my mind with this...

Edited March 17, 2007 by Sol-de-Verano

[Fandango 1,439]

i really don't see how either one of these 'friends' are putting the bride first. Here we got the MOH who's essentially done nowt but cause problems, then we got the bridesmaid who alerts the bride to a problem but refuses to be part of the solution. The EASIEST thing to do would have been for the bridesmaid to sort this with the MOH instead of stressing out the bride with all this petty nonsense.

But if that's not bad enough, the BM has to fill in the bride as to what the probbo is, but wants her to handle it. Oh, and I'm sure she wants anonymity from being the source of the leak too.

They both need a reality check, LisaD style

[ceriserose 1]

Oh this is easy.

Very excitedly tell her that your fiancé has planned a surprise for you and your family on the night before the wedding. He won't tell you what it is, but that it's just so sweet of him to do this for you and your family - that it's really important to you both to have that night alone with family, so much so that he's asked you to keep it free.

If she takes the clue she'll plan it for another night.

If she doesn't, well, it wouldn't be the first time a MOH changed prior to a ceremony.

ETA: My assumption is that you are hesitant to confront her directly (which is the way I'd go personally). My suggestion is in the realm of trying to spare her feelings and let her change her plans without you deflating her bubble.

Edited March 17, 2007 by ceriserose

[Caladan 19]

You know, we tell brides that it's their day, and then get cranky with them when they actually act like it's their day. Your maid of honor needs to accomodate you on this one; the "honor" part is about the support she gives you, not about her sparkly star day.

The bachelorette party can't be the night before. For one, you'll be hungover and sleep deprived for the wedding. You wanna barf on your wedding cake? For another, you'll probably have a rehearsal dinner and those things always run over. For three, the *date* is not supposed to be a surprise. The occasion, maybe, but there's a zillion things going on the week of the wedding for *anything* to be a surprise.

Try to get your other friend to suggest the day before the night before; if the maid of honor won't budge, then tell her yourself.

[MissStacey 1]

Invite LisaD and she will set them all straight!!

Planning a wedding is stressful enough, adding petty drama to it makes it even harder. It isn't fair to you. You made clear the plans you and the Family had for the night before the wedding. She should have respected that.

[amwo 0]

Hi Bride -

First I want to say have a wonderful, beautiful wedding day, filled with love and joy!

It sounds like the MOH, a.k.a. beeyatch of honor, is a very manipulative person and is trying to undermine your wishes and ruin your wedding. So far it has worked for her with your shower, and possibly your guest's hotel plans. Now she's onto your plans for the night before.

Traditionally the MOH is in charge of planning things like a shower and helping, emphasis on the helping part, with everything possible. Did she contact anyone about a shower before your family started planning one? And, as you said, she never offered to help with the hotel search. She is also not being considerate of your wishes, such as your wedding eve and bachelorette party.

If I were in this situation I would have a completely honest talk with her, tell her all I know and want. Then tell her she absloutely has to back off. If she doesn't like it, fire her! I'm sure she will come up with all kinds of "but I'm doing all this for you!" to make you feel guilty. But the reality is she is not doing this for you, there's something else going on with her. And I think if you try the beating around the bush approach, she will still be left with lots of room to continue her behavior.

I bet if she got her way for a bachelorette party the night before, she would be the first one with the bottle of tequila, pouring that shot for you, just to make sure you are really hungover and look like total #######.

I wish much luck with this and remember that old cliché - "It is your day!"

Be beautiful!

amwo

Edited March 17, 2007 by amwo

[Autumnchik 6]

Normally, I would not hesitate to discuss the issue with the MOH directly. She and I have also been friends since HS. She can be very blunt and opinionated and our other HS friends walk on eggshells around her. I am usually the only one who calls her on her stuff and when she is being evil.

However, with this, I have gotten so sucked into the drama that I couldn't see straight.

I love you guys!!!! Thank you so much, I just needed this reality check to set my head straight. This wedding business is really messing with me

[Emancipation 2]

Has the MOH been married before? I'm thinking.. what is her rationnel with screwing with your plans?? Is she trying to have "her" day through yours.. Holy..

You have every right to feel like your plans are being overthrown by your friend... I understand not wanting to face her head on, but she may only listen if you actually put all the cards on the table "ie.. This is the way I want to approach this wedding day.. if you no like, you no stand for me "

Ahhh.. I'm just not diplomatic at stuff like that.. I don't understand people that derail your plans and try to insert their own.

I had it happen this time around with my church family.. I had EVERYTHING sorted out (for the pre-wedding stuff we did in Canada), and they attempted to come behind me and "sort out the organizational mess I made".. I had it all organized there was no mess, and the only way I could do it is to spell out the plans step by step for them to make them see that. Some people think if they don't have all the pieces straight in their mind that they have to get in there and make sure everything doesn't go up in smoke.. Stating your plans for the night before the wedding is a great way of letting her in on the plans (which seems important to her), and letting her know that her plans don't really fit in the grand scheme of things

OR.. another approach I've tried is all the "small stuff" that you dont' have time or patience for.. give her a GARGANTIAN list of it all... make her so busy that she has no time to sabatoge your plans.. works like a charm!!

Man.. this bit about weddings suck.. this is the last thing you need

[m&n 0]

It seems that the MOH doesn't really care about what you want....it's all about what she wants. Next thing you know she's gonna try and interfere with your wedding night

You don't need any added stress and, although it might be difficult, it's probably best that you confront her and let her know what you want since this IS, after all, YOUR day. She might know that you are polite and don't like to hurt people's feelings and perhaps don't like to be confrontational.....I don't know if this is the case or not.....but sometimes, I've noticed that pushy people are only pushy with people they know will not confront them about their pushiness......and I think the MOH is being pushy.