Norms on sending money

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

I agree with the other people on here and from personal experience that $1000 is way to much to send back home to family. We send maybe $400 a month back home to her family, sometimes less sometimes more it all depends. You need to figure where that money is exactly going to and fast. The poster talking about that whatever money she makes above rent and bills is hers, that is to selfish for me. You are in a MARRIAGE and everything should be shared.

[bigant006 44]

$1000 a month on the island... family living pretty good

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Not as bad as this one who sent the entire salary home.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/322837-i-751-denied/

Hopefully that OP does not have much financial co-mingled stuff with the selfish wife.

Can't have her cake and eat it too.

I read all the old threads and links leading to more of the same.

Just unbelievable what people put up with and then blaming the IO for being suspicious. Seriously ?!

I wonder how much of it gets banked for making the great escape in due time and how genuine such a marriage is, seems like an anchor

to 'help the family' rather than a relationship based on mutual love and respect with the same vision for the couple's future.

[minions2 24]

Not fair. When you married her, you married the whole family

[aaron2020 11,651]

Not fair. When you married her, you married the whole family

Then when she married him, she married his whole family. Maybe he should send $1000 to his family. Maybe she should be a good wife and support him.

[Caryh 5,206]

Thanks guys. I guess I knew its ridiculous. It became worse once she found a job that is almost all filipinas. We've been married for nearly 10 years and I love her so its tough to accept the "kick her out" response, which I've heard before of course. I can't imagine what is being done with $800-$1,400 per month every single month. I don't even want to talk to her family because I feel that either they are exploiting her or all of them are exploiting me. It doesn't help that many of her friends are married to rich americans who are, apparently, more than happy to pay for everything and attend parties where the girls don't mix with anyone but themselves or speak english and the guys just sit in the corner waiting until they are done. I've shut off wifi before and it just turns into a screaming fit for hours and I turn it on just to be done with it. When I say that I'll just buy my own groceries, it turns into another fight that I'm a bad husband and treating her like a roommate and I'm supposed to support her. They never said it was going to be like this 11 years ago! lol

If you let situation get out of control, it can be that bad and worse. It is going to get worse too. The wrong crowd can make a good person bad, as they will try to fit into the crowd and go by the crowd standards. You need to have a serious heart to heart with your spouse, either she gets back into the marriage, or let her go. Because right now your wife is 100% check out of this marriage. Seriously you'll be a lot better off cutting the cord even after 11 years than if you spend another 10 being walked on until she leaves you any way, if she even stays that long. In my view your wife has zero respect for you or your marriage. So what are you trying to save? It hurts but it will just hurt longer if you let this gone on.

[russandraquel 86]

Thanks for everyone sharing their experiences. We have already spent a lot of time talking about this stuff...hopefully we can be adults about it and find points of agreement throughout our marriage.

[Ciendro 0]

If you let situation get out of control, it can be that bad and worse. It is going to get worse too. The wrong crowd can make a good person bad, as they will try to fit into the crowd and go by the crowd standards. You need to have a serious heart to heart with your spouse, either she gets back into the marriage, or let her go. Because right now your wife is 100% check out of this marriage. Seriously you'll be a lot better off cutting the cord even after 11 years than if you spend another 10 being walked on until she leaves you any way, if she even stays that long. In my view your wife has zero respect for you or your marriage. So what are you trying to save? It hurts but it will just hurt longer if you let this gone on.

Yeah. I'm afraid to admit you are right. I don't see any contribution being made to the marriage, just ludicrous amounts of money being given away, which means she's not concerned in building our life together, just a free ride, after which she could easily go back home as they likely have a better quality of life over there now than we do here and probably don't even have to work anymore. I signed up for a wife, not a roommate. I'll be thinking through and carefully deciding what happens best. Its excellent to hear from other folks who have gone through the visa process. Thank you!

[Ciendro 0]

$1000 a month on the island... family living pretty good

Yep! Seeing that a salary there would be $5,000 and they received around $15,000 last year. Yeah, pretty good. Oh, found out one kid had spent all her tuition money when it was time to pay for graduation and my wife sent it again. A sister-in-law was very sad because it turns out her husband had a bad gambling problem. All part of the typical lies to get more and more money. I thought this one would be stronger or smarter than that. Or, maybe she is and has planned this anyway lol

[Unlockable 7,314]

OP,

There was a great article I read a while ago on joint family systems. It is a system often used in Asian cultures including India. It is a way for these families to pool there resources (money and labor) under one room. However, it also spoke of the disadvantages of it.

Then you have American society which is more similar to a "bird's nest" culture. We harbor and care for our offspring until they become young adults then send them off to college, military, or they find a job and a place of their own to live.

When these two cultures clash it can cause problems as you can see in your situation. To an average American sending that much money to extended family per month is unheard of. But to a fellow Filipino, your wife is doing her due diligence.

The issue here is that your wife is in America and may not fully understand how we define a household. For us, helping family starts at home (spouse and children) and only extends to extended family in emergencies or on occasional need of a little help.

If you can search for articles on American society and family it will give her a better understanding. More importantly if it is leading to you being in a financial crisis some very tough decisions will have to be made.

There are many horror stories on VJ where an immigrant spouse has sent too much money back home and left their home in financial debt.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

Yep! Seeing that a salary there would be $5,000 and they received around $15,000 last year. Yeah, pretty good. Oh, found out one kid had spent all her tuition money when it was time to pay for graduation and my wife sent it again. A sister-in-law was very sad because it turns out her husband had a bad gambling problem. All part of the typical lies to get more and more money. I thought this one would be stronger or smarter than that. Or, maybe she is and has planned this anyway lol

See those reasons above are why I am glad I have my wife. If that happened to my wife's family and they asked her for more money she would have literally told them to stick it, but my wife is strict like that. We do pay tuition for her nephew who is studying to be a seaman and he knows he better do good in school or his Tita will come and it won't be good for him at all. Also we went back to the Philippines last year and she was not pleased at all because she could not see where the money we were sending went to. We have had other situations where we have sent money back for emergencies but those are VERIFIED emergencies or projects. Where is she from in the Philippines?

You seriously need to put your foot down on this issue, because it's ok probably sending half that but no more. Because according to what you say writing it sounds like your asawa has no respect for you or your marriage at all.

Edited May 4, 2016 by cyberfx1024