Fiance, children, and the other parent

[Tac05 3]

From experience, what children say and actually mean can be different. Talking with the children on the phone and Skype are totally different then being together. For months before my now husbands first visit they would talk, laugh, and carry on and get along great, (they were 12,10 & 8 at the time) and my 3 kids absolutely adored him (I'm pretty sure it was the accent more than anything lol) and vice versa. Thankfully when he arrived my kids were at their dads for the 2 weeks (school holidays) so I was able to introduce him to them slowly before they came home to having another man in the house, by taking them out for a day here and there to get to know him. He stayed for 6 weeks. During this time overall it was great but there were the odd occasion when he and my 10 year old son at the time would clash,and moments when you could tell the kids were not happy. 7 years have passed and in that time my husband has spent a lot of time here with us, now especially since they are older they look to him more now than there own father. Blended families take time, it's not going to be all bells and whistles straight up. As for the ex...well I think he has right to know about the new person, as his s concern is for his kids. I kept my ex informed, I didn't have to, but I chose too, after all he is the children's father and has a right to know, and once they did meet he was totally fine.

[IfoemaUS 25]

From experience, what children say and actually mean can be different. Talking with the children on the phone and Skype are totally different then being together. For months before my now husbands first visit they would talk, laugh, and carry on and get along great, (they were 12,10 & 8 at the time) and my 3 kids absolutely adored him (I'm pretty sure it was the accent more than anything lol) and vice versa. Thankfully when he arrived my kids were at their dads for the 2 weeks (school holidays) so I was able to introduce him to them slowly before they came home to having another man in the house, by taking them out for a day here and there to get to know him. He stayed for 6 weeks. During this time overall it was great but there were the odd occasion when he and my 10 year old son at the time would clash,and moments when you could tell the kids were not happy. 7 years have passed and in that time my husband has spent a lot of time here with us, now especially since they are older they look to him more now than there own father. Blended families take time, it's not going to be all bells and whistles straight up. As for the ex...well I think he has right to know about the new person, as his s concern is for his kids. I kept my ex informed, I didn't have to, but I chose too, after all he is the children's father and has a right to know, and once they did meet he was totally fine.

Thanks so much for that insight! I can see what you are saying. My kids go to their dad for the summer too so I'll use that in a like manner.

Just for clarity...again, I never said he doesn't have a right to know about my fiance as he already knows (I told him) and he will have an opportunity to meet him as well. However, I don't think he has to know about the visa process. That's our personal business.

[NikLR 13,232]

The thing is, I have been in the same situation when he married...circumstances were a bit different but same outcome. I found out through 3rd parties that he was engaged and then later when they married...but he wants to have advanced notice of my actions. He claims he only did it because he married the one that finally ended our marriage and he knew how I would feel...however, this is supposed to be about our kids and I didn't get the same consideration he wants. He says the difference is they were exposed to her (never mind the fact that it was under scandalous circumstances) so that makes his point valid. The thing is, I have no issue with him speaking to or meeting my fiance...also ask the kids how they feel, but I do not feel he has rights whatsoever in regards to my personal life and I will make sure the kids meet him before he moves in.

I agree, your ex doesn't have any rights in regards to your personal life. As for how he went about getting remarried, that's between the two of you. If you feel like he's being controlling vs just concerned for his kids, that's for the two of you to hash out as grown adults with children.

However, you want to see not just how your children react around your fiance but also how he reacts around your children. I've read some pretty scary things on this board in regards to people who are supposed to be step-parents. My own experiences with step-parents has been horrible as well.

As for immigration related, this isn't really, it's personal. Is your fiance going to be denied because he hasn't met your children in person yet? Unlikely. The rest is all personal issues.

[NikLR 13,232]

My ex was also totally fine with my husband (then fiance) once they met FYI. But before then he was freaking out I was bringing another man into our daughter's life. Well, it wasn't his decision, and we hashed all that out. He was kind enough to inform me when our daughter would be meeting his new girlfriend too.

[phd1974 17]

Related, but not related:

My parents were divorced. I went away to college for my freshmen year. I sparingly talked to my dad while away. So during Christmas break, my dad picks me from college and on the drive down, he drops this bombshell on me "I met someone and she's living with me now."

I kind of felt odd because I felt my dad could have dropped this news on me sooner, but now I was just 1 1/2 hours from meeting his "fiancee" for the first time. When I got home, I greeted her, she seemed nice, but I'm hesitant because .... she's not mom. But I understood that my dad has a life too. It took awhile to get used to her though. What am I going to do? Say I don't like her living here and storm out ... I need a place to rest my head too. It was my dad's house and if I wanted to stay there, that's what the situation was. I could have left to my mom's house ... but I understood and realized that me going to my moms was not going to change the situation. It's more about being comfortable, I wound up semi-avoiding her during the first week 1/2. I think the time doing that would have been less if my dad created opportunities for us to be in each other's company without being forceful with it (a la "you get your butt at this dinner table with the family and YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT!)

[IfoemaUS 25]

I agree, your ex doesn't have any rights in regards to your personal life. As for how he went about getting remarried, that's between the two of you. If you feel like he's being controlling vs just concerned for his kids, that's for the two of you to hash out as grown adults with children.

However, you want to see not just how your children react around your fiance but also how he reacts around your children. I've read some pretty scary things on this board in regards to people who are supposed to be step-parents. My own experiences with step-parents has been horrible as well.

As for immigration related, this isn't really, it's personal. Is your fiance going to be denied because he hasn't met your children in person yet? Unlikely. The rest is all personal issues.

Thanks for your feedback...you've hit some great points and confirmed some of my thoughts.

[Rc123rc 528]

I have a lot of experience with the whole mixed family situation and interpersonal problems between spouses. The short of it is, the parents should be focused on what is best for the children and step away from any conflicts that might be between the two parents. Standard divorce protocol. Our daughter was adopted from Guatemala at the age of 9 after a 1 week stay with us in the U.S. and 5 days in Guatemala. The adjustment of bringing a 9 year old into a new country and family was extremely difficult all around. My wife and I come to find out could not get on the same page about child rearing on top everything else. Also, our daughter bonded with me but only had a surface attachment to her mother which went away in 2 years to almost no attachment. My ex is BPD but that is another story. Now, my daughter is going to have to adjust to a new member of the family. The easy part is there will be no "Stepmother" situation. That was something my daughter and I talked about a lot. However, we will be 3 adults in the same house and respect will be needed all around. I think the toughest part will be my daughter understanding that's it just not Papa anymore and he will be focusing less on her. All things being said... minimize the drama, take your time, allay the fears your ex may have about the kids but don't let him bully you. Watch your kids and your fiance's reactions, words and body language for signs of trouble. Properly, balance the relationship triangle between you, your fiance and your children. My ex certainly has an valid vested interest in our daughter. But, everything else is off limits. My daughter knows if my ex gets nosy to tell her to talk to me directly. Relationships are a tricky thing and require thoughtful, respectful, common sense approaches.

[IfoemaUS 25]

Related, but not related:

My parents were divorced. I went away to college for my freshmen year. I sparingly talked to my dad while away. So during Christmas break, my dad picks me from college and on the drive down, he drops this bombshell on me "I met someone and she's living with me now."

I kind of felt odd because I felt my dad could have dropped this news on me sooner, but now I was just 1 1/2 hours from meeting his "fiancee" for the first time. When I got home, I greeted her, she seemed nice, but I'm hesitant because .... she's not mom. But I understood that my dad has a life too. It took awhile to get used to her though. What am I going to do? Say I don't like her living here and storm out ... I need a place to rest my head too. It was my dad's house and if I wanted to stay there, that's what the situation was. I could have left to my mom's house ... but I understood and realized that me going to my moms was not going to change the situation. It's more about being comfortable, I wound up semi-avoiding her during the first week 1/2. I think the time doing that would have been less if my dad created opportunities for us to be in each other's company without being forceful with it (a la "you get your butt at this dinner table with the family and YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT!)

I can see how you felt the way you did. I inherited a step parent too (age 12) and maybe I'm optimistic because thankfully my parents eased into the transition and my step dad (which I now call him dad since I was 13) was patient and let us lead how the relationship unfolded. This is why I've had my children so active in speaking with him as soon as I knew we were serious. I'll make sure they get sufficient face to face time before he moves in...I'm sure my family here will be supportive of that if need be (him staying with them for a few weeks).

[IfoemaUS 25]

I have a lot of experience with the whole mixed family situation and interpersonal problems between spouses. The short of it is, the parents should be focused on what is best for the children and step away from any conflicts that might be between the two parents. Standard divorce protocol. Our daughter was adopted from Guatemala at the age of 9 after a 1 week stay with us in the U.S. and 5 days in Guatemala. The adjustment of bringing a 9 year old into a new country and family was extremely difficult all around. My wife and I come to find out could not get on the same page about child rearing on top everything else. Also, our daughter bonded with me but only had a surface attachment to her mother which went away in 2 years to almost no attachment. My ex is BPD but that is another story. Now, my daughter is going to have to adjust to a new member of the family. The easy part is there will be no "Stepmother" situation. That was something my daughter and I talked about a lot. However, we will be 3 adults in the same house and respect will be needed all around. I think the toughest part will be my daughter understanding that's it just not Papa anymore and he will be focusing less on her. All things being said... minimize the drama, take your time, allay the fears your ex may have about the kids but don't let him bully you. Watch your kids and your fiance's reactions, words and body language for signs of trouble. Properly, balance the relationship triangle between you, your fiance and your children. My ex certainly has an valid vested interest in our daughter. But, everything else is off limits. My daughter knows if my ex gets nosy to tell her to talk to me directly. Relationships are a tricky thing and require thoughtful, respectful, common sense approaches.

Thanks so much, great advice. What's BPD?

[Rc123rc 528]

Thanks so much, great advice. What's BPD?

BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

HPD = Histrionic Personality Disorder

She had both. Meds and counseling can help but usually not effective. Professionals tend to shy aware from treating BPD because of the difficulty level and all too often the BPD person will turn on the professional once they are exposed. Needless to say this is what killed the marriage and almost caused Child Protective Services to be called in.

[IfoemaUS 25]

BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

HPD = Histrionic Personality Disorder

She had both. Meds and counseling can help but usually not effective. Professionals tend to shy aware from treating BPD because of the difficulty level and all too often the BPD person will turn on the professional once they are exposed. Needless to say this is what killed the marriage and almost caused Child Protective Services to be called in.

Wow, I'm sorry for that. Glad that you have been able to move forward with your family.

[Tac05 3]

Thanks so much for that insight! I can see what you are saying. My kids go to their dad for the summer too so I'll use that in a like manner.

Just for clarity...again, I never said he doesn't have a right to know about my fiance as he already knows (I told him) and he will have an opportunity to meet him as well. However, I don't think he has to know about the visa process. That's our personal business.

Sorry my bad, I worded that wrong ?. I agree that he doesn't need to know about the visa process, that's up to you! I had no intention of telling my ex about the process, until my youngest wanted to come to the US with me, so I had to inform him of the process and what it entails, and because my youngest is only 16 (almost) I needed his written consent stating he agreed for him to leave AUS. Hence why my ex knows all about it!

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

I was under the same situation as you, I had two children at a young age (6, 4) with my x-wife when I brought my wife to the USA on a K1 and they met her. My x was not happy at all about that but I told her that she has to suck it up because we are going to get married. So the kids needed to meet her and spend time with her to get to know her and her them. My wife was so mad at the time that she would not let the kids come to our wedding (she had custody at that time).

Eventually my x became ok with it and now those kids love their stepmom and their baby sister as well. You need to put your foot down and say hey this man will be apart of my life now, you need to deal with it.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Revising post im in the same boat and it is not good...

Edited May 4, 2016 by Anitafeliz