Fiance, children, and the other parent

[IfoemaUS 25]

I took my sons to JA last summer to meet my fiancé. We stayed with him for 2 weeks. Even though they Skype and talk on the phone I was very glad they got to meet and had a little chance to get to know him. I think they feel better too. Everyone got along great and they are even more excited for him to come to USA.

Thank you LionessDeon. I plan to make sure they have a few weeks to interact before moving forward.

[waitingstill21 44]

The children will definitely meet him in person once he gets here. I have to disagree in regards to my ex husband having any rights to know that I'm going thru a visa process because (him coming on a visa) has nothing to do with the kids directly. I have always told him that he will have an opportunity to meet and talk to my fiance because he is my kid's father but to me, that has no relation to the fact that he is coming on a visa. It's just that my ex husband wants to be more involved than I feel he needs to be. Introductions and getting to know him are enough...needing his approval is overboard.

I was in the same situation with 2 children 12 (daughter) and 7(son) when my fiance got here in January. My ex had a lot to say about how he felt but for me how he felt was not the issue it was only how my children felt that concerned me. I made sure they were aware of what we were doing and asked how they felt about him(who was pretty much a stranger that they would talk to on the phone or video chat with) moving into our home. My son was super excited probably wouldnt have let him stay anywhere else even if that had been the decision we made, my daughter didnt have much opinion on it at all(shes almost a teen if it doesnt involve her phone she doent care). It should be about how you and your children feel about the situation not you ex.

Now with him being here for 5 months I have no regrets with the way we handled it when he got here the kids viewed him as a friend and now they view him as another parent in the house.

[IfoemaUS 25]

I was in the same situation with 2 children 12 (daughter) and 7(son) when my fiance got here in January. My ex had a lot to say about how he felt but for me how he felt was not the issue it was only how my children felt that concerned me. I made sure they were aware of what we were doing and asked how they felt about him(who was pretty much a stranger that they would talk to on the phone or video chat with) moving into our home. My son was super excited probably wouldnt have let him stay anywhere else even if that had been the decision we made, my daughter didnt have much opinion on it at all(shes almost a teen if it doesnt involve her phone she doent care). It should be about how you and your children feel about the situation not you ex.

Now with him being here for 5 months I have no regrets with the way we handled it when he got here the kids viewed him as a friend and now they view him as another parent in the house.

Thanks so muck for that feedback...it sounds like your situation is very similar and it sounds like your children are like mine too. My 5 year old is super excited and tells me that she can't wait til he gets here...my son is 12 and like your daughter (pre-teen) likes him but likes his friends more lol...he has given his blessing. I imagine things will unfold the same way but I will (for good measure) make sure they meet him a week or so ahead of him moving in to make sure all goes well.

[Illiria 980]

Not saying your fiancé is like the example below but your ex might be imagining the worse or had heard something similar to the below so is freaking himself out.

There was a women on here who had her new guy come over, he started walking around naked in front of her child. She asked him to stop but he refused, saying it was normal

so he can do it if he wants to.

I would have your fiancé stay elsewhere as others have suggested, have the kids spend time with him and also have the ex spend time with you, your fiancé and the children so he can see you all interact. This should help alleviate any fears he has.

[IfoemaUS 25]

Not saying your fiancé is like the example below but your ex might be imagining the worse or had heard something similar to the below so is freaking himself out.

There was a women on here who had her new guy come over, he started walking around naked in front of her child. She asked him to stop but he refused, saying it was normal

so he can do it if he wants to.

I would have your fiancé stay elsewhere as others have suggested, have the kids spend time with him and also have the ex spend time with you, your fiancé and the children so he can see you all interact. This should help alleviate any fears he has.

I know he is imagining the worst..and I think any parent who is in the position of having a new adult step into a step parent role would feel the same, so I get it. I just feel that I don't have to over-extend myself for him to feel ok about it. I respect him enough to have him meet my fiance and to allow a week or so before he moves in.

[MADDEN 40]

The children will definitely meet him in person once he gets here. I have to disagree in regards to my ex husband having any rights to know that I'm going thru a visa process because (him coming on a visa) has nothing to do with the kids directly. I have always told him that he will have an opportunity to meet and talk to my fiance because he is my kid's father but to me, that has no relation to the fact that he is coming on a visa. It's just that my ex husband wants to be more involved than I feel he needs to be. Introductions and getting to know him are enough...needing his approval is overboard.

Maybe you read what I wrote wrong as I never stated that your new relationship needs the approval of your ex husband I totally agree with you there however your ex husband really has a right to know who will be in his children's lives and what impact they will have on them.

[Rc123rc 528]

Luckily, I don't have quite this situation. My child (19) lives with me. They are very shy and have difficulties with meeting new people. My ex however is not part of this process at all. She doesn't even know I am engaged. Which is the way it should be since my child is over 18. I was concerned about how my child would be with a new person coming into the house. So, having my fiancee come here in December and live with us for a week was a great way for the 2 to interact beyond the occasional SKYPE conversation and me keeping my child updated on the process. I'm sure there will be an adjustment period. Isn't there always? I'm more concerned about when my ex finds out about the new marriage.

[IfoemaUS 25]

Maybe you read what I wrote wrong as I never stated that your new relationship needs the approval of your ex husband I totally agree with you there however your ex husband really has a right to know who will be in his children's lives and what impact they will have on them.

Yes I agree he has a right to know who will live with his children. I never denied that, in fact I have always stated that I think he should and will meet my fiance at the appropriate time. What I disagreed with from your writing was that the ex has a right to know what about the visa process and plans with my fiance...he doesn't...because that does not directly impact the kids. It seemed to be inferred that his approval is needed if he has those rights, so I don't agree on that point. But I get what you are saying and I appreciate the feedback.

[Rc123rc 528]

Yes I agree he has a right to know who will live with his children. I never denied that, in fact I have always stated that I think he should and will meet my fiance at the appropriate time. What I disagreed with from your writing was that the ex has a right to know what about the visa process and plans with my fiance...he doesn't...because that does not directly impact the kids. It seemed to be inferred that his approval is needed if he has those rights, so I don't agree on that point. But I get what you are saying and I appreciate the feedback.

Yes, your ex does not have any rights regarding your Visa process or plans in my opinion.

[IfoemaUS 25]

Luckily, I don't have quite this situation. My child (19) lives with me. They are very shy and have difficulties with meeting new people. My ex however is not part of this process at all. She doesn't even know I am engaged. Which is the way it should be since my child is over 18. I was concerned about how my child would be with a new person coming into the house. So, having my fiancee come here in December and live with us for a week was a great way for the 2 to interact beyond the occasional SKYPE conversation and me keeping my child updated on the process. I'm sure there will be an adjustment period. Isn't there always? I'm more concerned about when my ex finds out about the new marriage.

Yes, there is always an adjustment period no matter how we go about it. Now that I think about it...I was a child who had a step-parent enter the home. I knew my step dad from church...I knew who he was but didn't spend a significant amount of time around him...just that he was a nice guy and treated me very kindly. He moved my mom and us in with him and it just went from there...small adjustment period but it didn't last long before I felt he was another dad to me. Now that I'm really thinking about it, I love my step-dad so much for how he was careful not to rush us even though we lived with him...he gave us time to establish our relationship with him in the way we needed to. That experience is coming in handy for me now as I type this. I'm feeling optimistic.

[UnaMexicana 153]

Yes I agree he has a right to know who will live with his children. I never denied that, in fact I have always stated that I think he should and will meet my fiance at the appropriate time. What I disagreed with from your writing was that the ex has a right to know what about the visa process and plans with my fiance...he doesn't...because that does not directly impact the kids. It seemed to be inferred that his approval is needed if he has those rights, so I don't agree on that point. But I get what you are saying and I appreciate the feedback.

With all due respect, I believe you are wrong. Your engagement and subsequent marriage will directly impact and has everything to do with your children.

What if they just don't get along in real life? What then? Just because you Skype with someone for a while here and there, that does not mean either of them can put up with an actual person to person relationship... With authority and everything that comes with stepfather/stepchildren relationship.

Two kids from a previous relationship and at the ages that you mention are not as easy to introduce to as, say, babies.

Nobody has a right to tell you what to do, but since you are asking for advice, I would not bring my fiancé to live with my kids when he is largely a stranger.

Maybe you can visit him in his home country with the kids for a while... Maybe he can come to the US a couple times to actually interact with them in person and see where it goes from there.

Just a respectful opinion.

I do wish you the best of luck.

[IfoemaUS 25]

With all due respect, I believe you are wrong. Your engagement and subsequent marriage will directly impact and has everything to do with your children.

What if they just don't get along in real life? What then? Just because you Skype with someone for a while here and there, that does not mean either of them can put up with an actual person to person relationship... With authority and everything that comes with stepfather/stepchildren relationship.

Two kids from a previous relationship and at the ages that you mention are not as easy to introduce to as, say, babies.

Nobody has a right to tell you what to do, but since you are asking for advice, I would not bring my fiancé to live with my kids when he is largely a stranger.

Maybe you can visit him in his home country with the kids for a while... Maybe he can come to the US a couple times to actually interact with them in person and see where it goes from there.

Just a respectful opinion.

I do wish you the best of luck.

Wrong about what exactly? I never said my engagement and subsequent marriage will not directly impact and has everything to do with your children. What I did say is that my ex does not have a right to know about the visa process.

Edited May 3, 2016 by IfoemaUS

[viltud 1]

I think this is a good idea. His family lives on the west coast and I'm on the opposite side so he has no direct family near me but if we have to do a hotel then we will. I really don't think it will take long for everyone to feel comfortable. My children and him already have a great time talking and laughing on the phone/Skype. He is very involved in our day to day routines and activities. He even skypes in for the kid's sports activities. Saying all of that to say they already have a good foundation and everyone is comfortable from conversations I've had with each separately.

We spent a holiday, together with the children in my country. Pretty cool time and nice merorys for kids too.

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

The thing is, I have been in the same situation when he married...circumstances were a bit different but same outcome. I found out through 3rd parties that he was engaged and then later when they married...but he wants to have advanced notice of my actions. He claims he only did it because he married the one that finally ended our marriage and he knew how I would feel...however, this is supposed to be about our kids and I didn't get the same consideration he wants. He says the difference is they were exposed to her (never mind the fact that it was under scandalous circumstances) so that makes his point valid. The thing is, I have no issue with him speaking to or meeting my fiance...also ask the kids how they feel, but I do not feel he has rights whatsoever in regards to my personal life and I will make sure the kids meet him before he moves in.

So you argument is he didn't inform you about his personal life so because of that you aren't going to let him know? Normally that wouldn't really be a big deal if it was just some petty power struggle between you and your ex husband, but when you have kids involved then it's always best to think about their well being. The thing about consideration is that it's not actually considerate if you always expect the same thing in return. Just be the bigger person.

[IfoemaUS 25]

So you argument is he didn't inform you about his personal life so because of that you aren't going to let him know? Normally that wouldn't really be a big deal if it was just some petty power struggle between you and your ex husband, but when you have kids involved then it's always best to think about their well being. The thing about consideration is that it's not actually considerate if you always expect the same thing in return. Just be the bigger person.

I'm curious if you've read the whole thread or just bits and pieces? I never said I would not let him know...he already knows, which is the premise of the whole thread. What I said is that he does not need to know that we are going through the visa process. I have said several times that he has a right to meet him...in fact, I was the one who told him early on that I was serious with someone and getting engaged...so I have definitely been the bigger person and that is not my argument. I only bought that up because someone said to put myself in his shoes and I explained that I was the first to be in the position of "other parent".