Abusive Wife

[JFH 12,191]

I'm going to say I find it hard to believe that you didn't know about her mental illness of this nature before you arrived in the country. I understand that for many foreign spouses the first time you live with your husband or wife is after the visa has been approved and maybe there are little habits that later manifest themselves that you didn't know before (he always leaves the kitchen light on, she forgets to lock the front door...that sort of thing). But something like this is ever present. Did she come to visit you? She must have had all her medication in her luggage. Did you visit her prior to marriage? Did you not see the medication? Did she not have medical appointments? You would just *know* if someone you are very close to and love dearly was struggling mentally. I can hear it my husband's voice if he's feeling a bit sad about our separation so I'd definitely be able to tell if he was bipolar and going through an episode. You don't need to be a doctor for that.

Now that you do know she has these mental health issues, you are not helping by calling the cops every five minutes. She needs help. This is the woman you chose. For better or worse. In sickness and in health.

If you feel that you can't walk the path with her, close the door and move out quietly. No need for cops. No need for bank statements to prove this or that.

I really don't know what your father's wife needs to discuss with you that she can't discuss with anyone else or decide for herself. Such things are only going to atagonise the situation. But I get the feeling you like a bit of drama.

[JFH 12,191]

In New Hampshire you dont need a reason to divorce, so she doesnt need to prove anything.

I'll bet that's not actually true. A quick Google search has shown that there has to be grounds for divorce, even if it's just "irreconcilable differences". And examples would be needed.

[pch1 64]

I was not planning on moving out till I see a divorce lawyer, she is refusing to give me the bank statements from the bank account I was on, she was the primary holder.

Listen, the cops got involved as you said, they came over, she went to her family then she came back. Man oh man, you need to protect yourself, you need to report every little detail, you have the name of the officer and his/her number or just go straight to the police station and just make them aware of what happened. Just be careful.

Come Monday, speak to a lawyer, pack and find another place to move to and let the law take its course...what are you afraid of? Loosing your Green card or what? It is not as simple and easy to take away a green card, there are procedures and hearings, you just have to document everything and stay away from her. You knew about her medical condition, you tried to help her out, you both went to counseling and all this should be counted when the going gets tough.

[N and J 88]

Ok, I'm will be honest here in a way that some may not like it, but I will say it anyway. There are too many situations where the two people really don't know one another well enough before marriage. Question, did you know this woman had mental problems before you married? and if you so decided to proceed with her anyway. If you were actually talking to your father's wife about him, that is fine, but you also have to consider the trust level you two have. If your wife scratched you before, and you now realize it was intentional...there seems to be something fishy there to me. How can a wife scratch a husband as you say, and the man not know it was a mistake or intentional? Many foreign spouses go through some sort of education before marriage about how to protect oneself in cases of domestic abuse and how to report it. When the woman scratched you the first time you should have filed a report. Now that she have punched you, you should file a report. The fact that you are still talking about online. when one person had already suggested to you to get off the computer and file the report immediately leaves me to be suspect of you.

There are laws here America regarding divorces. She just can't file a divorce juts because she thinks you are cheating. The burden of proof is on her, she has to be able to prove that you are cheating and that cheating has to involve what is called as infidelity, and that has to be proved. The other matter is, it is not as easy as people think when ti comes to divorcing a spouse from another country. I see in theses threads people throwing the word divorce around like it's a rock being thrown at a window.

Sir, learn the laws, learn your rights. I hope your situation is not one of endurance to a just a green card.

NOTE: I know my comments may not be embraced all, but I challenge those that don't agree to research for yourself my comments to be facts or fiction. If what I'm saying is fiction, then throw what I've said out like a rock at a window. But if what I have said is true, then don't shoot the messenger.

ANYONE can file for a divorce just because. If she thinks he is cheating or if she is no longer comfortable living with him (fears for her life, or the relationship just isn't working) she absolutely can just file for a divorce. I don't know where you got your law degree but it is very easy to get a divorce in the US and most of the time you don't need to prove anything especially if you divorce because of irreconcilable differences (no fault divorce). If she files on grounds he is cheating then yes she will have to prove it. It all depends on what state you are in. There are laws where you may have to be separated for a while but it is not hard to get a divorce especially, from a foreign spouse. They are no different than a USC spouse. Do you think the judge said oh because you came from another country you get special treatment? I divorced a foreign spouse. It took me all of 4 months and it only took that long because the court was booked. Plus I did my own paperwork...It really is not that hard. If one party doesn't show up at some point it is granted by default.

I do agree that many people jump into a marriage before knowing someone...I agree because I did it!

[sparkles_ 456]

I didn't read anything past page three, but have you thought of getting a restraining order against her? Just to keep her away from you and legally she can be arrested if she gets to close. You need to nt be around her alone anymore. I would take a homeless shelter over such a dangerous setup where a mentally ill person could ruin my life with accusations due to an episode of uncontrolled mania.

Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. That's a doozy when you're either off meds of being tweaked and transitioned into new ones because you need it. She will have moments of clarity but not for long and times of great stress make it worse (I'm a psych student, grad level) Not saying she isn't at fault, but you need to protect yourself

Edited April 30, 2016 by sparkles_

[N and J 88]

I'll bet that's not actually true. A quick Google search has shown that there has to be grounds for divorce, even if it's just "irreconcilable differences". And examples would be needed.

It is very easy to give an example we don't get along anymore and it is taking a toll on both. In NJ you don't need to give full blown reasons. Especially for such a short marriage. The judge will ask you do you think this marriage can work. When you say no they grant the divorce. They can't force you to stay in a marriage.

[N and J 88]

I'm going to say I find it hard to believe that you didn't know about her mental illness of this nature before you arrived in the country. I understand that for many foreign spouses the first time you live with your husband or wife is after the visa has been approved and maybe there are little habits that later manifest themselves that you didn't know before (he always leaves the kitchen light on, she forgets to lock the front door...that sort of thing). But something like this is ever present. Did she come to visit you? She must have had all her medication in her luggage. Did you visit her prior to marriage? Did you not see the medication? Did she not have medical appointments? You would just *know* if someone you are very close to and love dearly was struggling mentally. I can hear it my husband's voice if he's feeling a bit sad about our separation so I'd definitely be able to tell if he was bipolar and going through an episode. You don't need to be a doctor for that.

Now that you do know she has these mental health issues, you are not helping by calling the cops every five minutes. She needs help. This is the woman you chose. For better or worse. In sickness and in health.

If you feel that you can't walk the path with her, close the door and move out quietly. No need for cops. No need for bank statements to prove this or that.

I really don't know what your father's wife needs to discuss with you that she can't discuss with anyone else or decide for herself. Such things are only going to atagonise the situation. But I get the feeling you like a bit of drama.

Do you know every medication someone takes? Do you go through people's prescription bottles? If so do you know what every medication out there is for? He lives in another country these medications for mental illness many times have never made it to other countries...Maybe she lied about what they were... If she was on her medication maybe he would not have known...Maybe now she is off her medication. Some people are embarrassed by their mental illness and will never tell anyone and sometimes people will never know who had a mental illness. You would never be able to tell if someone was bipolar while they are taking medication. Don't assume. I see clients every day and you would never be able to tell there was an issue until they told you. Because they take the medication like they are supposed to. Mental illness is not just picking up on cues of sadness or hearing sadness in someone's voice. As trained professionals we miss cues sometimes so I doubt someone who knows nothing about mental illness would be able to tell what was going on even more so coming from another country where I highly doubt mental illness is as well known as here. Also, no one knows what she is....it was speculation she was bipolar and most of the time these are not symptoms of bipolar 1 or bipolar 2.

[N and J 88]

I didn't read anything past page three, but have you thought of getting a restraining order against her? Just to keep her away from you and legally she can be arrested if she gets to close. You need to nt be around her alone anymore. I would take a homeless shelter over such a dangerous setup where a mentally ill person could ruin my life with accusations due to an episode of uncontrolled mania.

Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. That's a doozy when you're either off meds of being tweaked and transitioned into new ones because you need it. She will have moments of clarity but not for long and times of great stress make it worse (I'm a psych student, grad level) Not saying she isn't at fault, but you need to protect yourself

Hi my fellow psych student =) Psych for my BA, LCSW working on my masters =) lol

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Do you know every medication someone takes? Do you go through people's prescription bottles? If so do you know what every medication out there is for? He lives in another country these medications for mental illness many times have never made it to other countries...Maybe she lied about what they were... If she was on her medication maybe he would not have known...Maybe now she is off her medication. Some people are embarrassed by their mental illness and will never tell anyone and sometimes people will never know who had a mental illness. You would never be able to tell if someone was bipolar while they are taking medication. Don't assume. I see clients every day and you would never be able to tell there was an issue until they told you. Because they take the medication like they are supposed to. Mental illness is not just picking up on cues of sadness or hearing sadness in someone's voice. As trained professionals we miss cues sometimes so I doubt someone who knows nothing about mental illness would be able to tell what was going on even more so coming from another country where I highly doubt mental illness is as well known as here. Also, no one knows what she is....it was speculation she was bipolar and most of the time these are not symptoms of bipolar 1 or bipolar 2.

She also may be misdiagnosed. Personally I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety for 15 years. I finally received a diagnosis of BPD and after treatment I no longer exhibit symptoms.

I've worked with others as well who have had misdiagnosis over the years. Bipolar is one of the favourites that seem to be handed out lately.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Everyone has diagnosed this woman on his word only...remember 3 sides his hers the truth....there's more to this story....BIG TIME...

Honestly I don't sympathize with OP because he know nows if it is as he said, he didn't know and he won't leave he goes ####### for tat with the woman and all he seems to worry about most is where are the bank statements and how much alimony will I pay.

And he calls the police and starts documenting when the big "D" word gets thrown around....

Edited April 30, 2016 by Anitafeliz

[N and J 88]

Everyone has diagnosed this woman on his word only...remember 3 sides his hers the truth....there's more to this story....BIG TIME...

Honestly I don't sympathize with OP because he know nows if it is as he said, he didn't know and he won't leave he goes ####### for tat with the woman and all he seems to worry about most is where are the bank statements and how much alimony will I pay.

And he calls the police and starts documenting when the big "D" word gets thrown around....

Don't think he was asking for sympathy...I think he was looking for advice. I would be worried too if I didn't know the rules and regulations in a country and someone started telling me I was going to pay alimony. I am going to go out on a limb here and say he probably does not have a job that he could even afford to put a roof over his own head let alone pay for another to survive. When do you want him to start documenting things? Do you document things in your relationship now fights, problems, and what not JUST IN CASE? No normally people start documenting when things go wrong. Some people would rather not sit in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship and would rather divorce. Not sure why he even still talks to her but...

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

Don't think he was asking for sympathy...I think he was looking for advice. I would be worried too if I didn't know the rules and regulations in a country and someone started telling me I was going to pay alimony. I am going to go out on a limb here and say he probably does not have a job that he could even afford to put a roof over his own head let alone pay for another to survive. When do you want him to start documenting things? Do you document things in your relationship now fights, problems, and what not JUST IN CASE? No normally people start documenting when things go wrong. Some people would rather not sit in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship and would rather divorce. Not sure why he even still talks to her but...

I hear that I see a huge problem with his hesitating but maybe it's the cultural differences...either way he needs to move he can't stay there and call 911 each time someone changes the wifi password....(joking) Edited April 30, 2016 by Anitafeliz

[firebird00 66]

I hear that I see a huge problem with his hesitating but maybe it's the cultural differences...either way he needs to move he can't stay there and call 911 each time someone changes the wifi password....(joking)

It seems that you didn't get what happened, she called the police and said that she is scared from me, the cops came and asked her if i hit her, she said no, they asked her if i ever hit her she said no, they asked her if i ever broke something in the house she said no. So the police told her if you feel scared then go somewhere like your family, we can't get him to leave the house because he did nothing bad, we cant get him to leave the house just because you are scared.

[N and J 88]

I hear that I see a huge problem with his hesitating but maybe it's the cultural differences...either way he needs to move he can't stay there and call 911 each time someone changes the wifi password....(joking)

I just wouldn't pay the bill =P no password well then no payment.

[N and J 88]

It seems that you didn't get what happened, she called the police and said that she is scared from me, the cops came and asked her if i hit her, she said no, they asked her if i ever hit her she said no, they asked her if i ever broke something in the house she said no. So the police told her if you feel scared then go somewhere like your family, we can't get him to leave the house because he did nothing bad, we cant get him to leave the house just because you are scared.

Look I really think you got your answers. This is going around and around in circles. She will have to prove why she is scared of you. If she has lived in that town for a long time and has had mental health issues all her life than I am sure the police know about her problems...especially if she frequently has outbursts. Getting a restraining order (by either of you) will not be easy...you will have to explain to a judge why you need one and how your life is in danger. You didn't report the abuse so there is no record of it...it will be your word against hers....Really you have to seek legal help. Let your attorney help you and request all the documents that will be needed to go through with the divorce. Move on. You can keep going over and over what should I do but truth is we can all tell you what to do and it may not be right and attorney will tell you what you MUST do...I can guess the first thing they are going to tell you is not to communicate with her. You will be granted your divorce and you can get on with your life. You have no kids and well I don't believe you could have accumulated much if you have only been married for 2 years so splitting things up won't be hard. It won't take long. Good luck and I hope everything works out.