Abusive Wife

[Rc123rc 528]

I think that many believe that a good therapist will not tell you to leave. This isn't true at all and is such a trope of the industry. Yes, a good therapist will tell you to make your own choice, but if a situation isn't healthy they can and should tell you to take time apart at least.

It took until the 3rd marriage counselor to figure out what was really going on after I read a letter in session that I was seeking counseling and a support group for emotional abusive. Between seeing my ex-wife's reaction to what I read, the 30 minutes of intense questioning after my ex-wife stormed out of the session, me reading about BPD and documenting specific events that supported what I and the book were saying then and only then did the counselor recommend getting out. The other two counselors were too focused on what my ex-wife was saying what the problem was and using standardized couple therapy. Of course, as soon as things started to shift over towards what I saying, we HAD TO find another counselor. The same goes for our daughter's counselors. My ex-wife had them all fooled that it was our daughters fault or my fault somehow. That was until the got suspicious seeing how our daughter was reacting to her mother and started interviewing our daughter and me separately at the same time without my ex-wife being present or knowing. Our daughters stories and mine line up independently about how events transpired. After that, the counselors started to focus on my ex-wife as the root of the problem and after enough questioning and direct observation, the BPD and abuse diagnosis came out with recommendations to get out the house and take our daughter with me with one going so far as to say that the if something not done quickly, Child Protective Services would be brought in and our daughter removed from the house while an investigation was held. BPDs are masters of chaos, emotional manipulation and placing the blame anywhere but themselves. The end result was we moved out, my ex-wife moved to Florida with little argument about me having custody.

[firebird00 66]

My wife has this thing where she can be so normal and make everyone believe her story, she cried at the counselor and she believed her, the counselor started to talk to me as if I am the problem. When I started to bring up facts and write down what was happening at my house and then tell the counselor, my wife told me she wants to stop going. Later she got herself a personal counselor and I once offered to go with her and she declined, I know the reason is for her to tell her any story she wants, and not to hear both sides of the story.

Yesterday I told my wife while we are looking for therapy we have to do somethings since you have BPD and other problems. Like moving all our accounts to my name because when you are having a crisis maybe if that's what it's called then you will start to call and cancel everything and later regret and start to apologize, I told her I want to take the power from you to cause any damage for us at least in this way. I know that's those things are nothing in real life but I guess it's something. I am still talking to her to get her in the residency program.

[N and J 88]

My wife has this thing where she can be so normal and make everyone believe her story, she cried at the counselor and she believed her, the counselor started to talk to me as if I am the problem. When I started to bring up facts and write down what was happening at my house and then tell the counselor, my wife told me she wants to stop going. Later she got herself a personal counselor and I once offered to go with her and she declined, I know the reason is for her to tell her any story she wants, and not to hear both sides of the story.

Yesterday I told my wife while we are looking for therapy we have to do somethings since you have BPD and other problems. Like moving all our accounts to my name because when you are having a crisis maybe if that's what it's called then you will start to call and cancel everything and later regret and start to apologize, I told her I want to take the power from you to cause any damage for us at least in this way. I know that's those things are nothing in real life but I guess it's something. I am still talking to her to get her in the residency program.

Thank God you don't see that therapist anymore. We are not supposed to take sides. We are not even the ones that are supposed to solve your problems. We work to get people to work on their problems on their own and find out what works for them. Everyone is different. I would never tell a client anything along the lines of you may be the problem. We address the mental health issue not the person. In other words a therapist is there to guide you into making better choices and help you learn positive ways to make your life manageable.

[firebird00 66]

Thank God you don't see that therapist anymore. We are not supposed to take sides. We are not even the ones that are supposed to solve your problems. We work to get people to work on their problems on their own and find out what works for them. Everyone is different. I would never tell a client anything along the lines of you may be the problem. We address the mental health issue not the person. In other words a therapist is there to guide you into making better choices and help you learn positive ways to make your life manageable.

One day my wife was feeling bad because she saw on her facebook that her mother and sister went out together without telling her, knowing that he mother and sister work together in the same place. She started crying to saying that no body like's her in the family and that her mother is a "B***C". I said no need to do all that you are not hated or un-liked, you don't have to be invited to every single activity your family do to know you are loved, plus they work together they might just went out after work or something, no big deal. She told me that her family are bad I said I don't think so, you are just feeling you are victim. Later she went to the therapist and on that time I insisted to go with her and I went, she told her the story about the facebook and the therapist told me you should 'validate' her feelings. I said I am, but I don't agree that her family is bad or that she is left out, her mom and sister just went out together no big deal. THEN the THERAPIST says: "No, what they did is horrible, they could have invited her, that's so awful thing to do, and you should validate her feeling and say yes that's awful". I said no it's not awful nor horrible, they just went out, no big deal. Then the therapists said again: "But you dont tell her how to feel, she feels bad" I said I know she feels bad but that doesn't mean her family are bad, they are not. I don't want to say that her mom is horrible. So the Therapist says again but this way you are not validating her feelings. I said what now are we gonna make her hate everyone because she feels something? then I asked the therapist, ok I validate her feelings, then what? what's the therapy you want to apply? Then the therapist asked me to leave and wait outside and told my wife that to come alone without me.

On our way home in the car my wife said that the therapist think also that you are emotionally and verbally abusive because of what you did there and she thinks you do the same with me at home, and since then my wife calls me you are emotionally abusing me whenever I disagree with her about such things and that I am not "validating" her feelings.

Edited May 5, 2016 by firebird00

[Caryh 5,206]

You can validate feelings without agreeing with those feelings.

Your wife feels hurt and says her sister and mother are bad because they didn't invite her

You respond, I understand you're feeling hurt, and it must make you feel bad not being included. I think I might have felt bad to not be included in something like that with my family. I guess they just weren't thinking. Maybe when you talk to them next, you can ask them to give you a call or text next time they go out like that.

You challenged her feelings, and basically said she was wrong to have them. People can't control their feelings, what they feel is what they feel, even if you might not feel the same way in that situation. The example above shows empathy and caring for her feelings. Yet you're not agreeing her mother and sister were bad people and you're not challenging her feelings.

One day my wife was feeling bad because she saw on her facebook that her mother and sister went out together without telling her, knowing that he mother and sister work together in the same place. She started crying to saying that no body like's her in the family and that her mother is a "B***C". I said no need to do all that you are not hated or un-liked, you don't have to be invited to every single activity your family do to know you are loved, plus they work together they might just went out after work or something, no big deal. She told me that her family are bad I said I don't think so, you are just feeling you are victim. Later she went to the therapist and on that time I insisted to go with her and I went, she told her the story about the facebook and the therapist told me you should 'validate' her feelings. I said I am, but I don't agree that her family is bad or that she is left out, her mom and sister just went out together no big deal. THEN the THERAPIST says: "No, what they did is horrible, they could have invited her, that's so awful thing to do, and you should validate her feeling and say yes that's awful". I said no it's not awful nor horrible, they just went out, no big deal. Then the therapists said again: "But you dont tell her how to feel, she feels bad" I said I know she feels bad but that doesn't mean her family are bad, they are not. I don't want to say that her mom is horrible. So the Therapist says again but this way you are not validating her feelings. I said what now are we gonna make her hate everyone because she feels something? then I asked the therapist, ok I validate her feelings, then what? what's the therapy you want to apply? Then the therapist asked me to leave and wait outside and told my wife that to come alone without me.

On our way home in the car my wife said that the therapist think also that you are emotionally and verbally abusive because of what you did there and she thinks you do the same with me at home, and since then my wife calls me you are emotionally abusing me whenever I disagree with her about such things and that I am not "validating" her feelings.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Caryh

[Rc123rc 528]

You can validate feelings without agreeing with those feelings.

Your wife feels hurt and says her sister and mother are bad because they didn't invite her

You respond, I understand you're feeling hurt, and it must make you feel bad not being included. I think I might have felt bad to not be included in something like that with my family. I guess they just weren't thinking. Maybe when you talk to them next, you can ask them to give you a call or text next time they go out like that.

You challenged her feelings, and basically said she was wrong to have them. People can't control their feelings, what they feel is what they feel, even if you might not feel the same way in that situation. The example above shows empathy and caring for her feelings. Yet you're not agreeing her mother and sister were bad people and you're not challenging her feelings.

There is some fine lines here. Yes, feelings should be validated because as you say feelings are feelings. The question is whether or not he should have defended his in laws. Clearly, we don't know the whole story. Is this a case of a BPD trying to define "Good Guy"/"Bad Guy" roles? Is this an attempt at emotional manipulation because she was left out of a casual event or she just wanted someone to feel sorry for her? Maybe the best approach would have simply been validate her feelings of hurt and then just saying nothing else. "I understand how you would feel hurt by this." Done. Don't get sucked into the drama. She's a big girl and should know how to handle personal relationships with her own family. He should not be playing a father role to an emotionally immature person.

[Caryh 5,206]

There is some fine lines here. Yes, feelings should be validated because as you say feelings are feelings. The question is whether or not he should have defended his in laws. Clearly, we don't know the whole story. Is this a case of a BPD trying to define "Good Guy"/"Bad Guy" roles? Is this an attempt at emotional manipulation because she was left out of a casual event or she just wanted someone to feel sorry for her? Maybe the best approach would have simply been validate her feelings of hurt and then just saying nothing else. "I understand how you would feel hurt by this." Done. Don't get sucked into the drama. She's a big girl and should know how to handle personal relationships with her own family. He should not be playing a father role to an emotionally immature person.

lol I guess I just talk too much. I'd never say something so short when someone I care about is hurting.

[Rc123rc 528]

lol I guess I just talk too much. I'd never say something so short when someone I care about is hurting.

Naw, We all do it. I was guilty of something similar both for what Firebird posted and what you posted. Counselors drilled me constantly about when to shut up so as to cut the drama off before is started. I had to bite my tongue so many times I probably could of put a piercing in my tongue from hole that was made. Once I learned when to shut up with my ex, all of sudden, the drama level dropped tremendously until my ex figured out what I was doing and then escalated. She wanted that drama no matter what and kept provoking me to get a response.

[firebird00 66]

There is some fine lines here. Yes, feelings should be validated because as you say feelings are feelings. The question is whether or not he should have defended his in laws. Clearly, we don't know the whole story. Is this a case of a BPD trying to define "Good Guy"/"Bad Guy" roles? Is this an attempt at emotional manipulation because she was left out of a casual event or she just wanted someone to feel sorry for her? Maybe the best approach would have simply been validate her feelings of hurt and then just saying nothing else. "I understand how you would feel hurt by this." Done. Don't get sucked into the drama. She's a big girl and should know how to handle personal relationships with her own family. He should not be playing a father role to an emotionally immature person.

This is so true. I can't "validate'' everything she feels, few weeks after this incident happened she came to me crying why her mother liked her post on facebook but shared her sister's post. Like seriously who have the time for such things? When I told her it's just facebook maybe your mom have different interests than you, what you see interesting she doesnt. I am not even defending her family, I am just being rational. I told her do you think your mom thinks the same as you if you share someone's post but you only like her post? She told me that I am bringing her down and making her feel bad by making fun of her and not understanding her feelings. It's like if I am gonna start the "validation" game she will feel bad about every little thing and she wants me to confirm that yes the world sucks and you are a victim, and if I don't then I am emotionally abusive and I don't care about her feelings.

[TBoneTX 46,067]

As stated, it's no fun walking on eggshells.

[Caryh 5,206]

As stated, it's no fun walking on eggshells.

So true.

[firebird00 66]

I have a question about ROC with divorce waiver. Does it matter who filed for the divorce? The USC or the foreign spouse?

[Cheezees 1,514]

No. Check the instructions for the form.

[firebird00 66]

No. Check the instructions for the form.

I did. I meant for the immigration officer/USCIS. Does it affect how they look at the case based on who filed for the divorce?

[Cheezees 1,514]

Still no.