Abusive Wife

[firebird00 66]

And the justification of why she can't get help begins. There will always be another excuse until she is good ready on her own and seeks treatment. And I don't for one second believe her ex isn't 100% aware of her mental problems already.

How can I just leave knowing she is not evil or bad person its just her mental problems and how can I leave knowing that she will not survive, she have no job nothing. She needs help and if I leave now in this situation she will be screwed so bad. She has no money at all to survive even a week.

[Caryh 5,206]

How can I just leave knowing she is not evil or bad person its just her mental problems and how can I leave knowing that she will not survive, she have no job nothing. She needs help and if I leave now in this situation she will be screwed so bad. She has no money at all to survive even a week.

So you'll spend your life being bounced around and threatened by her manipulation? Never once knowing which person is going to be next to you any minute of the day? One minute she might be as nice and friendly as can be and the next minute they're threatening you, injuring themselves and calling to cops to say you abused her? Is it a sad situation, sure it is. But unless she's going to help herself there is nothing you can do about it. And unfortunately they often will not seek help until they have zero other choice and have hit rock bottom. She's maneuvered herself so you will feel trapped with no choice. Many people with her disorder are very well able to take care of themselves and hold a job. Yes she might have to change jobs periodically, as eventually work mates and bosses discover they are batcarp crazy, but they do survive. You forget, I was married to someone like this once. I've seen all the games, the tricks and the traps they can set. When they know you're heading out the door, they can suddenly become extremely pleasant people. But as soon as they know they have you back in, the mental abuse will start building up again.

[Rc123rc 528]

So you'll spend your life being bounced around and threatened by her manipulation? Never once knowing which person is going to be next to you any minute of the day? One minute she might be as nice and friendly as can be and the next minute they're threatening you, injuring themselves and calling to cops to say you abused her? Is it a sad situation, sure it is. But unless she's going to help herself there is nothing you can do about it. And unfortunately they often will not seek help until they have zero other choice and have hit rock bottom. She's maneuvered herself so you will feel trapped with no choice. Many people with her disorder are very well able to take care of themselves and hold a job. Yes she might have to change jobs periodically, as eventually work mates and bosses discover they are batcarp crazy, but they do survive. You forget, I was married to someone like this once. I've seen all the games, the tricks and the traps they can set. When they know you're heading out the door, they can suddenly become extremely pleasant people. But as soon as they know they have you back in, the mental abuse will start building up again.

I have 15 years of marriage experience living with this plus 2 1/2 years of the aftermath. What is said above is all true. My ex wife is on disability but she survived just fine and whenever there was something that was going to benefit her she miraculously found the "strength" to do it. Surprise, surprise. Please don't fall for the manipulation. You can feel sorry for her but I can guarantee you she will be fine and probably look for another victim as soon as possible once you are out the door. You are trying to avoid the decision. I don't blame you. I came up with all kinds of excuses myself. The deciding factor was to save my daughter but I was not far behind in thinking I needed to save myself. Enough was enough. I cut the cord and never looked back. You have "White Knight Syndrome" but you can't save her or change her. She has to do it herself.

[N and J 88]

How can I just leave knowing she is not evil or bad person its just her mental problems and how can I leave knowing that she will not survive, she have no job nothing. She needs help and if I leave now in this situation she will be screwed so bad. She has no money at all to survive even a week.

You are not in a normal situation. It is not as if god forbid something happens....when you go to court it is not just going to be okay don't talk to her and go your own way...your immigration status is at risk and not only that it puts your future in jeopardy. Right now you have no protection. You have no proof and no one who has witnessed this first hand to even come forward on your behalf if something happens. It is not your fault she has no money. You don't have to get divorced right away but I would separate for right now until she gets help. It is not possible that you have 2 people who were in marriages like this and they didn't work and you are going to be the exception. Transborderwife is a rare story because she WANTS help so she WORKS hard daily. This isn't even a week old your problem and she is already coming up with excuses. I know they say in sickness and in health and stay with your husband or wife no matter what but you have to protect yourself. So maybe staying someplace else until she shows you she really wants to work this out is an option.

[firebird00 66]

So you'll spend your life being bounced around and threatened by her manipulation? Never once knowing which person is going to be next to you any minute of the day? One minute she might be as nice and friendly as can be and the next minute they're threatening you, injuring themselves and calling to cops to say you abused her? Is it a sad situation, sure it is. But unless she's going to help herself there is nothing you can do about it. And unfortunately they often will not seek help until they have zero other choice and have hit rock bottom. She's maneuvered herself so you will feel trapped with no choice. Many people with her disorder are very well able to take care of themselves and hold a job. Yes she might have to change jobs periodically, as eventually work mates and bosses discover they are batcarp crazy, but they do survive. You forget, I was married to someone like this once. I've seen all the games, the tricks and the traps they can set. When they know you're heading out the door, they can suddenly become extremely pleasant people. But as soon as they know they have you back in, the mental abuse will start building up again.

I have 15 years of marriage experience living with this plus 2 1/2 years of the aftermath. What is said above is all true. My ex wife is on disability but she survived just fine and whenever there was something that was going to benefit her she miraculously found the "strength" to do it. Surprise, surprise. Please don't fall for the manipulation. You can feel sorry for her but I can guarantee you she will be fine and probably look for another victim as soon as possible once you are out the door. You are trying to avoid the decision. I don't blame you. I came up with all kinds of excuses myself. The deciding factor was to save my daughter but I was not far behind in thinking I needed to save myself. Enough was enough. I cut the cord and never looked back. You have "White Knight Syndrome" but you can't save her or change her. She has to do it herself.

You are not in a normal situation. It is not as if god forbid something happens....when you go to court it is not just going to be okay don't talk to her and go your own way...your immigration status is at risk and not only that it puts your future in jeopardy. Right now you have no protection. You have no proof and no one who has witnessed this first hand to even come forward on your behalf if something happens. It is not your fault she has no money. You don't have to get divorced right away but I would separate for right now until she gets help. It is not possible that you have 2 people who were in marriages like this and they didn't work and you are going to be the exception. Transborderwife is a rare story because she WANTS help so she WORKS hard daily. This isn't even a week old your problem and she is already coming up with excuses. I know they say in sickness and in health and stay with your husband or wife no matter what but you have to protect yourself. So maybe staying someplace else until she shows you she really wants to work this out is an option.

All what was said is accurate and true about my situation. Lately she has been accusing me that I used her, and her "proof" is that I want to leave after I got my GC, knowing that I had it last year not now. I tell her I want to leave because you filed for divorce and you packed my stuff and asked me to leave and you called the cops on me. I didn't leave you in the middle of the night. When I tell her that I want to try to help her she says you are just trying to get your 10 years GC, I said I can still get it on my own she says oh so you used me till now where you are able to get it by yourself. I said so I used you no matter what the situation is? She doesn't answer this question. Last year she threatened me that she will file to USCIS that our marriage is fraud I said it's not fraud, she said I don't care I will lie I said you can't prove it. Last week she cut me off the phone plan and removed me from the bank account and refused to give me any bank statements and refused to cooperate in anyway with me. Oh and she said why don't you go back to your country after we divorce, you have nothing left to do here out marriage will end. I said I decide my life, not you. She said you came here for me and if we divorced then go back, if you don't that indicates that you used me. I said I am not a thing you buy from Walmart that you can return anytime you want when you are done with it, all what you can do is divorce and after that I live my life as I want and you live your life as you want.

[N and J 88]

All what was said is accurate and true about my situation. Lately she has been accusing me that I used her, and her "proof" is that I want to leave after I got my GC, knowing that I had it last year not now. I tell her I want to leave because you filed for divorce and you packed my stuff and asked me to leave and you called the cops on me. I didn't leave you in the middle of the night. When I tell her that I want to try to help her she says you are just trying to get your 10 years GC, I said I can still get it on my own she says oh so you used me till now where you are able to get it by yourself. I said so I used you no matter what the situation is? She doesn't answer this question. Last year she threatened me that she will file to USCIS that our marriage is fraud I said it's not fraud, she said I don't care I will lie I said you can't prove it. Last week she cut me off the phone plan and removed me from the bank account and refused to give me any bank statements and refused to cooperate in anyway with me. Oh and she said why don't you go back to your country after we divorce, you have nothing left to do here out marriage will end. I said I decide my life, not you. She said you came here for me and if we divorced then go back, if you don't that indicates that you used me. I said I am not a thing you buy from Walmart that you can return anytime you want when you are done with it, all what you can do is divorce and after that I live my life as I want and you live your life as you want.

All I can say is good luck. If you want to stick around for that kind of stress than you are one person who likes chaos. Sometimes love can't fix everything and no matter how much you love someone your own emotional well-being is more important. As long as you know by staying you are taking a great risk with immigration if she decided to cause problems for you. You can't complain or cry later that you didn't know because you have been warned especially by 2 people who went through this in marriages and one woman who works her tail off to keep control over her BPD. Either way if you stay or go best of luck to you. Me personally to be honest I would rather go back to my country and live dirt poor than stay in a marriage where I never know what is coming next. If you like it here stay she has no control over your life whether you are married or divorced. You are a grown man and can make your own decisions in life.

[TBoneTX 45,863]

Constantly walking on eggshells is NO way to live life.

[Caryh 5,206]

Look firebird, I'm a person who fights for keeping a marriage together. I don't often suggest getting out of one, but instead recommend trying and find a way to make it work. Heck I did that for many years in my own first marriage even. But once I was out of that nightmare, I realized what I had put myself through. I wasted a big part of my life, and suffered a lot of pain with deep mental scars I'll always carry. Stay married to her if you really want to try to make it work, but don't stay in the same house with her. Tell her the only way you'll return and not eventually file for divorce is if she accepts she has a problem and gets help. If she can wake up to what she's doing and realize how she's hurting herself as well as everyone around her she might actually get help. Don't fall for the con game of getting suckered back in with promises and fake action. As you're already learning, they can be extremely charming and convincing when they need to be, they had to learn this in order to get along in life, but the anger or fear that drives the destructive side is still sitting there and biding its time to come out. Unless they learn to recognize and keep that under control, it will bite you again and again and again.

I think my ex finally accepted what was going on inside her and got some help, because one day when I went to pick up my daughter she said she was sorry for everything she had done to hurt me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. That was certainly something she had never said in our marriage, or something she really needed to say once we were divorced. So something had obviously changed within her that she felt she should say that. I hope she has gotten help and can avoid the destructive patterns of her behavior. But I'll never trust her enough to get close enough to find out. Even though my now adult kids still live in her home, I only stop to pick them up and leave, rarely even seeing her when I do.

All what was said is accurate and true about my situation. Lately she has been accusing me that I used her, and her "proof" is that I want to leave after I got my GC, knowing that I had it last year not now. I tell her I want to leave because you filed for divorce and you packed my stuff and asked me to leave and you called the cops on me. I didn't leave you in the middle of the night. When I tell her that I want to try to help her she says you are just trying to get your 10 years GC, I said I can still get it on my own she says oh so you used me till now where you are able to get it by yourself. I said so I used you no matter what the situation is? She doesn't answer this question. Last year she threatened me that she will file to USCIS that our marriage is fraud I said it's not fraud, she said I don't care I will lie I said you can't prove it. Last week she cut me off the phone plan and removed me from the bank account and refused to give me any bank statements and refused to cooperate in anyway with me. Oh and she said why don't you go back to your country after we divorce, you have nothing left to do here out marriage will end. I said I decide my life, not you. She said you came here for me and if we divorced then go back, if you don't that indicates that you used me. I said I am not a thing you buy from Walmart that you can return anytime you want when you are done with it, all what you can do is divorce and after that I live my life as I want and you live your life as you want.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

I lived in a marriage for 10 years before I got out for my mental health. Both sides can be victims but I wish that I had done it sooner

Edited May 5, 2016 by Transborderwife

[Caryh 5,206]

I lived in a marriage for 10 years before I got out for my mental health. Both sides can be victims but I wish that I had done it sooner

agreed. Sometimes two people can be so wrong for each other that all they do is hurt both.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

agreed. Sometimes two people can be so wrong for each other that all they do is hurt both.

Not even necessarily the people but the situation. We lived with our Inlaws and that poisoned our relationship greatly. Especially with children.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

How can I just leave knowing she is not evil or bad person its just her mental problems and how can I leave knowing that she will not survive, she have no job nothing. She needs help and if I leave now in this situation she will be screwed so bad. She has no money at all to survive even a week.

You need to think of yourself. You don't have to sacrifice your life, well-being, happiness, sanity, etc just to be with her when she clearly doesn't want to get help.

In my opinion, and I hope that I'm wrong about this, but the reason that you don't want to leave is that you are worried about being able to ROC on your own. You keep talking about the stupid bank statements. Who cares about the damn bank statements. Get over that ####### and get outta there. One day, she's going to flip out and hurt you, or call the cops and report you for domestic violence and you'll end up in jail. And that will hurt your immigration status much more than some missing bank statements.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Eric-Pris

[N and J 88]

Look firebird, I'm a person who fights for keeping a marriage together. I don't often suggest getting out of one, but instead recommend trying and find a way to make it work. Heck I did that for many years in my own first marriage even. But once I was out of that nightmare, I realized what I had put myself through. I wasted a big part of my life, and suffered a lot of pain with deep mental scars I'll always carry. Stay married to her if you really want to try to make it work, but don't stay in the same house with her. Tell her the only way you'll return and not eventually file for divorce is if she accepts she has a problem and gets help. If she can wake up to what she's doing and realize how she's hurting herself as well as everyone around her she might actually get help. Don't fall for the con game of getting suckered back in with promises and fake action. As you're already learning, they can be extremely charming and convincing when they need to be, they had to learn this in order to get along in life, but the anger or fear that drives the destructive side is still sitting there and biding its time to come out. Unless they learn to recognize and keep that under control, it will bite you again and again and again.

I think my ex finally accepted what was going on inside her and got some help, because one day when I went to pick up my daughter she said she was sorry for everything she had done to hurt me. You could have knocked me over with a feather. That was certainly something she had never said in our marriage, or something she really needed to say once we were divorced. So something had obviously changed within her that she felt she should say that. I hope she has gotten help and can avoid the destructive patterns of her behavior. But I'll never trust her enough to get close enough to find out. Even though my now adult kids still live in her home, I only stop to pick them up and leave, rarely even seeing her when I do.

I lived in a marriage for 10 years before I got out for my mental health. Both sides can be victims but I wish that I had done it soonerI

I commend both of you for your honesty and great advice. This is just my personal opinion but it is hard enough making a marriage with a foreign spouse work ESPECIALLY when there is two different cultures involved. Added stress of mental health issues that aren't being addressed I believe is too much for one to deal with. Transborederwife is 100% right both side hurt in this. I said it before the person who has the mental health issues hurts just as much as the person on the receiving side. TBoneTx is also right....FireBird you will walk on eggshells the rest of your life and never know if you are going to come home to a happy loving wife or immigration waiting for you because she freaked out. I really believe everyone who is talking to you actually cares. If not everyone who has shared their stories would not have done so and they would not have been honest. I don't think anyone here would tell you to give up your marriage for the heck of it. We all have been through a long long process with enough stress to for a lifetime just getting visas...No one would say waste all that time and effort unless they really felt something was wrong. The therapist you went to should have picked up on this and a good therapist would tell you you have to get out because your well-being is more important than a marriage.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

I think that many believe that a good therapist will not tell you to leave. This isn't true at all and is such a trope of the industry. Yes, a good therapist will tell you to make your own choice, but if a situation isn't healthy they can and should tell you to take time apart at least.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Get her in that residency program.