Abusive Wife

[Transborderwife 4,666]

No medication normally doesn't work. No it's not a death sentence...not at all. You help yourself though many do not. It's like any other mental health issue. You get out of it what you put in. Congrats on controlling it. Hey don't we ALL fall back on habits? People don't really understand that not only is it a struggle for the person living with the BPD person but also for the BDP themselves. Like with many mental health issues retraining the brain and good therapy can help people overcome issues. Therapy on both ends the loved ones and the person. I'm not a medication person. I think we love to shove pills down people's throats to make life easy. Getting better is not easy it's a process and medication is not always the answer.

Absolutely. One of my fallbacks is irrational fears about death and or suicidal thoughts. It used to be horrible (even worse on meds). Every now and then there is a thought in my mind when things get bad but it's usually dismissed as soon as it comes. As odd as it sounds the fact that I know that I can dismiss it is a way of coping knowing that I'm ahead of the game.

BPD is still very much misunderstood even within the industry. Much like bipolar used to be.

Edited May 4, 2016 by Transborderwife

[Caryh 5,206]

This book? My marriage counselor had me read this and write out examples in our marriage.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

Needless to say, it was right on. It didn't matter. The marriage was already dead by that time.

Exactly that book. When my ex found I was reading that book, she had a complete conniption. We were separated at the time and when I moved back in she found it. She even called up our marriage counselor and ranted away at him, refusing to ever go back to counseling. Then just as she did with previous marriage counseling sessions, she found her own private counselor, spun story and returned with everything we had learned in joint counseling was wrong and she was right all along and I was completely wrong and everything is all my fault. As for myself, I just took my life back, and refused to play her games any longer. It wasn't long and she again demanded a divorce (one of the games she played to keep control), and being sick and tired of being on the tread mill, I gave it to her.

But it's not a death sentence either. I have BPD. Mine was mainly situational. I have some habits that I fall back on and still have ocd as well. But have been successfully managing it for two years. Medications are not overly successful with many bpd patients. I found my best therapy was mindfulness

But you're aware and admit to the problem. That makes you a thousand times better off than many BPD's who blame everyone else.

[Rc123rc 528]

Exactly that book. When my ex found I was reading that book, she had a complete conniption. We were separated at the time and when I moved back in she found it. She even called up our marriage counselor and ranted away at him, refusing to ever go back to counseling. Then just as she did with previous marriage counseling sessions, she found her own private counselor, spun story and returned with everything we had learned in joint counseling was wrong and she was right all along and I was completely wrong and everything is all my fault. As for myself, I just took my life back, and refused to play her games any longer. It wasn't long and she again demanded a divorce (one of the games she played to keep control), and being sick and tired of being on the tread mill, I gave it to her.

But you're aware and admit to the problem. That makes you a thousand times better off than many BPD's who blame everyone else.

Yes, all very familiar. It's ancient history now. I walked out of the house 2 1/2 years ago and took our daughter with me on advice of our marriage counselor and 3 counselors that were working with our daughter. Child Protective Services was about to get involved. 3/4 counselors said "Borderline" after many many observations and interactions with my ex and the 4th said. "Highly emotionally abusive." I ended up going to personal counseling and a support group to get through the situation at that time, the divorce process and the aftermath. To this day, she will not admit any fault on her part and she is not an abusive person. No one dares tell her that she is BPD on fear of repercussions. I learned a lot about that experience, life goes on and happier days are ahead. However, my daughter still has lingering problems from that experience that may never go away. I can't tell you how many times I was watching my Fiancee for signs of BPD or similar problems. I never ever want to experience that again.

[Rc123rc 528]

Absolutely. One of my fallbacks is irrational fears about death and or suicidal thoughts. It used to be horrible (even worse on meds). Every now and then there is a thought in my mind when things get bad but it's usually dismissed as soon as it comes. As odd as it sounds the fact that I know that I can dismiss it is a way of coping knowing that I'm ahead of the game.

BPD is still very much misunderstood even within the industry. Much like bipolar used to be.

Sometimes BPD is tied up with depression, anxiety, phobia, OCD and other problems at the same time. Good Luck with your battle. Yes, BPD is misunderstood. Yes, a lot of professionals won't even touch it. The first step was recognizing there was a problem. Getting help and sticking with it was the second. If someone refuses to recognize there is a problem then nothing will change, the chaos and poor behaviors will continue and people will get hurt.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

Sometimes BPD is tied up with depression, anxiety, phobia, OCD and other problems at the same time. Good Luck with your battle. Yes, BPD is misunderstood. Yes, a lot of professionals won't even touch it. The first step was recognizing there was a problem. Getting help and sticking with it was the second. If someone refuses to recognize there is a problem then nothing will change, the chaos and poor behaviors will continue and people will get hurt.

I was told for years it was simply depression/anxiety. Eventually when the Cheif of psychiatry treated me at a local hospital he told me none of the above. But OCD is definitely there. Unfortunately in our world mental illness is still seen as taboo and that sad

[firebird00 66]

Exactly that book. When my ex found I was reading that book, she had a complete conniption. We were separated at the time and when I moved back in she found it. She even called up our marriage counselor and ranted away at him, refusing to ever go back to counseling. Then just as she did with previous marriage counseling sessions, she found her own private counselor, spun story and returned with everything we had learned in joint counseling was wrong and she was right all along and I was completely wrong and everything is all my fault. As for myself, I just took my life back, and refused to play her games any longer. It wasn't long and she again demanded a divorce (one of the games she played to keep control), and being sick and tired of being on the tread mill, I gave it to her.

But you're aware and admit to the problem. That makes you a thousand times better off than many BPD's who blame everyone else.

That's so close to what happened with me, I talked to my wife about going to marriage counseling before few months and she refused first then she agreed alter, after that she went to a personal counselor who makes her 'feel better' by telling her that yes I suck and I am a bad person based on what she says about me. Anyway the counselor herself is a bad one because she told my wife that I never experienced love relation in my life before her that's why I don't know how to 'validate her feelings', which is me agreeing with her that her family is bad just because they don't call her always and tell her that they love her, I told her everyone is busy living their life, plus the counselor is bad because what does she know about me to judge me and say that I never experienced love or had a real love relation in my life before marrying you?

Yes, all very familiar. It's ancient history now. I walked out of the house 2 1/2 years ago and took our daughter with me on advice of our marriage counselor and 3 counselors that were working with our daughter. Child Protective Services was about to get involved. 3/4 counselors said "Borderline" after many many observations and interactions with my ex and the 4th said. "Highly emotionally abusive." I ended up going to personal counseling and a support group to get through the situation at that time, the divorce process and the aftermath. To this day, she will not admit any fault on her part and she is not an abusive person. No one dares tell her that she is BPD on fear of repercussions. I learned a lot about that experience, life goes on and happier days are ahead. However, my daughter still has lingering problems from that experience that may never go away. I can't tell you how many times I was watching my Fiancee for signs of BPD or similar problems. I never ever want to experience that again.

That's how I fell, how can I get help from such programs? what do I search for?

Sometimes BPD is tied up with depression, anxiety, phobia, OCD and other problems at the same time. Good Luck with your battle. Yes, BPD is misunderstood. Yes, a lot of professionals won't even touch it. The first step was recognizing there was a problem. Getting help and sticking with it was the second. If someone refuses to recognize there is a problem then nothing will change, the chaos and poor behaviors will continue and people will get hurt.

True.

I was told for years it was simply depression/anxiety. Eventually when the Cheif of psychiatry treated me at a local hospital he told me none of the above. But OCD is definitely there. Unfortunately in our world mental illness is still seen as taboo and that sad

My wife also suffers from severe anxiety and depression. One day she woke up feeling some pain in her shoulder and we had to run to the ER because she read on google that a woman had pain and turned to be a heartattack, I said maybe you were sleeping wrong I mean such pains are very common, she started to cry believing she is going to die. After spending hours and lot of money in the ER the doctors told her this is just muscular pain, there is nothing serious at all.

[Caryh 5,206]

That's so close to what happened with me, I talked to my wife about going to marriage counseling before few months and she refused first then she agreed alter, after that she went to a personal counselor who makes her 'feel better' by telling her that yes I suck and I am a bad person based on what she says about me. Anyway the counselor herself is a bad one because she told my wife that I never experienced love relation in my life before her that's why I don't know how to 'validate her feelings', which is me agreeing with her that her family is bad just because they don't call her always and tell her that they love her, I told her everyone is busy living their life, plus the counselor is bad because what does she know about me to judge me and say that I never experienced love or had a real love relation in my life before marrying you?

That's how I fell, how can I get help from such programs? what do I search for?

True.

My wife also suffers from severe anxiety and depression. One day she woke up feeling some pain in her shoulder and we had to run to the ER because she read on google that a woman had pain and turned to be a heartattack, I said maybe you were sleeping wrong I mean such pains are very common, she started to cry believing she is going to die. After spending hours and lot of money in the ER the doctors told her this is just muscular pain, there is nothing serious at all.

I went through the marriage counseling twice with the exact same result. And yes her follow up counselor was to make her feel better, which of course cancels out every revelation in marriage counseling of why our marriage had troubles. Finding a new person to validate their story line appears to be part of the sickness. And of course I was also a horrible person incapable of giving real love to, according to her follow up counselor. I really wonder how much of that the counselor really said though, and how much of it was made up by the ex. The advantage of the marriage counseling though it I learned a lot about myself, and mistakes I was making. I took those things to heart and made myself a better person and spouse with what I had learned.

I searched out divorce support on google afterwards. Divorce support groups come in all types and flavors all over the country.

[galephys 12]

OP, I'll respond to your message after this post, but I just wanted to tell a bit of my own story to everybody who claims it's impossible not to know about your spouse's mental illness.

I met my ex-husband in person in the US, we spent several months together. Then some long distance, then 6 months not only in one house, but in the same room, at the same office and basically together 24\7. When I moved to the US for school, we were classmates and we lived together. Again, we spent very little time apart for a whole year before marriage and 6 months after the marriage. He changed overnight. Literally. We were driving from a party when all hell broke loose. He was not taking medications, he was not diagnosed with anything at that time, but he had problems all his life, how I later discovered. Exactly as OP is describing: with the police, rage fits, suicidal threats and breakdowns. Refused to go to therapy - went to therapy - refused to go... finally after I left and got my divorce I heard from mutual friends he got help and was on medication. So yeah. I had no idea.

[Rc123rc 528]

For a support group, try this. Also on FB.

http://shrink4men.com/

[N and J 88]

Absolutely. One of my fallbacks is irrational fears about death and or suicidal thoughts. It used to be horrible (even worse on meds). Every now and then there is a thought in my mind when things get bad but it's usually dismissed as soon as it comes. As odd as it sounds the fact that I know that I can dismiss it is a way of coping knowing that I'm ahead of the game.

BPD is still very much misunderstood even within the industry. Much like bipolar used to be.

You catch it though and that is great. Good for you. That is why I got into the field I am in. I want to work with mainly veterans who have PTSD and do holistic treatments. But I want to counsel everyone. I guess I have been through enough of my own stuff (addiction, alcoholism, depression) that I feel I actually care and it is not just a paycheck. I read on every disorder there is in the DSM lol I have no life. I google one every day and just read on it. Every day you get through it pat yourself on the back because I know some people who can't leave their house because of fears and thoughts of someone hurting them.

[firebird00 66]

We found a place where they help people with mental problems including BPD but they require to stay-in their hospital for couple of weeks. My wife said she didnt want to do it because of her kids, she have joint custody with her ex-husband and she is afraid that if she tells him that she cant have them for few weeks he will ask why and he will know that she will be in mental illness hospital so he will file to court to have custody for the kids by himself without her due to her mental problems.

[N and J 88]

OP, I'll respond to your message after this post, but I just wanted to tell a bit of my own story to everybody who claims it's impossible not to know about your spouse's mental illness.

I met my ex-husband in person in the US, we spent several months together. Then some long distance, then 6 months not only in one house, but in the same room, at the same office and basically together 24\7. When I moved to the US for school, we were classmates and we lived together. Again, we spent very little time apart for a whole year before marriage and 6 months after the marriage. He changed overnight. Literally. We were driving from a party when all hell broke loose. He was not taking medications, he was not diagnosed with anything at that time, but he had problems all his life, how I later discovered. Exactly as OP is describing: with the police, rage fits, suicidal threats and breakdowns. Refused to go to therapy - went to therapy - refused to go... finally after I left and got my divorce I heard from mutual friends he got help and was on medication. So yeah. I had no idea.

I don't think it is impossible. I feel it it very much possible for someone not to know their significant others mental health issues. I am sorry you went through this by the way.

[Transborderwife 4,666]

We found a place where they help people with mental problems including BPD but they require to stay-in their hospital for couple of weeks. My wife said she didnt want to do it because of her kids, she have joint custody with her ex-husband and she is afraid that if she tells him that she cant have them for few weeks he will ask why and he will know that she will be in mental illness hospital so he will file to court to have custody for the kids by himself without her due to her mental problems.

On the contrary, if she's doing it to get help the court would likely see it positively. That said, tell him personal reasons for not being able to take them and work out make up time

[N and J 88]

We found a place where they help people with mental problems including BPD but they require to stay-in their hospital for couple of weeks. My wife said she didnt want to do it because of her kids, she have joint custody with her ex-husband and she is afraid that if she tells him that she cant have them for few weeks he will ask why and he will know that she will be in mental illness hospital so he will file to court to have custody for the kids by himself without her due to her mental problems.

Courts can not take her kids away because she went in for mental health issues. Now if she freaks out because she didn't take the help and the kids get scared and say something to their father or she hurts them in some way emotionally or any other way...They courts then can open an investigation. It is just an excuse if she really wanted help she would go....This country can't just take your kids away for mental health issues unless you are an unfit parent...It would be like taking someone's kids away because they had cancer...They just can't do it. Pack your stuff and move out. This is not going to get better for you.

[Caryh 5,206]

We found a place where they help people with mental problems including BPD but they require to stay-in their hospital for couple of weeks. My wife said she didnt want to do it because of her kids, she have joint custody with her ex-husband and she is afraid that if she tells him that she cant have them for few weeks he will ask why and he will know that she will be in mental illness hospital so he will file to court to have custody for the kids by himself without her due to her mental problems.

And the justification of why she can't get help begins. There will always be another excuse until she is good ready on her own and seeks treatment. And I don't for one second believe her ex isn't 100% aware of her mental problems already.