Is this a shame?

[Unidentified 2,930]

Let me guess, you didn't really know her well before you got married? And you haven't known her long? Because this sounds like someone who could care less about his wife because you barely know her.

During my I-129F process I visited my then fiance and he had to go to Atlantic City for work. Since I was visiting I tagged along. When he was at work I decided to walk from the hotel down to the boardwalk, not knowing you should definitely not do this, especially if you're a woman. My fiance told one of his co-workers who warned him that it wasn't a good idea. He dropped everything at work and came to look for me. I was never in danger but he got worried and came looking for me.

You know where your wife is and you haven't been to check on her once since she left. Do you even love her?

[Expat1 971]

What?? Why would she hide from you?

First and most importantly, you need to be 1000% that your wife is safe. You need to be sure she is not being coerced (ex. writing the letter claiming it is her decision, messaging you daily). You need to be 10,000% sure.

If you are absolutely sure that it was HER DECISION to leave your home to work elsewhere without your knowledge of her whereabouts, then you have your answer. She abandoned your marriage. And you need to strongly communicate how this is jeopardizing her marriage and possibly her immigration status.

If you feel it was not her decision, then you should have some type of authoritative figure to have a talk with her. Lawyer, PI, social worker, a friend that is an officer? Somebody!!!

Because believe me. If this was my wife and she was manipulated into doing something like that. I would raise so much hell at that nail shop the owners would be thankful the police was called.

^^^. This too

+1

[Harmonia 211]

Also, she has with her two credit cards in her name, but there is zero activity on them. She has medical and dental insurance cards thru me and those also haven't been used. I just don't know why she won't do facetime. Maybe afraid I can pick out her surroundings?

Again, more red flags for trafficking. Are you taking this situation with the seriousness that it merits?

You stated you haven't informed immigration. Informed them of what? Your subject is "is this a shame?" I assume you mean "sham", but yes, it is a dang shame. Shameful that a lot of people on an Internet board can see major red flags, and you are making it about you. Did she somehow trick you. I hope you make it about her and will go over there and make sure she is ok. What's preventing you from driving an hour and demanding you speak with your wife, alone, to make sure she is safe?

Check out this national human trafficking website. I saw you're in PA, so here are stats for your state. But the hotline is toll free, national, and I suggest you call:

https://traffickingresourcecenter.org/state/pennsylvania

Edited April 26, 2016 by Harmonia

[Umka36 781]

I understand there are times in which a spouse is off on a business trip/family emergency and don't see each other for a while, but they still communicate in some form. This isn't one of those situation. Since I don't have all the facts and can only speculate, she is probably being manipulated and being feed what to tell you.

This is where many of us, including myself, find it odd that you really haven't done anything. It's not normal for someone to work, and not come home afterwards. It's been almost 2 months, and you are OK with it? You should hunt down your wife and make sure she is OK (which may involve the police).

[Expat1 971]

Apparently where ever she is staying they don't totally control her. She goes on Facebook around 9 or 10 AM and again around midnight. She also messages me almost every day but will not give me a timetable of her return other than a few months or a couple of months. My neighbor thinks that this is where she is, that is why I have someone going there she wont know. If I show up there and she is there, she would probably hide.

Hate to tell you this but your neighbor is probably in this up to his neck

Advice is - if you sent or are sending someone it probably wasn't a good idea to talk to him about it first

[Unidentified 2,930]

Have you gone to check on her yet?

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Some of you guys don't know the amount of influence family has on children especially the ones who make it out or the eldest child. OP can make trouble for the salon owner but it will only make things worse for his wife because her parents are the ones making her feel guilty for not helping. hence, they borrow and put themselves in a bad situation so she has to slave herself to help them.

OP can either divorce and move on or help his wife pay off debt.

[Anitafeliz 1,133]

OP UPDATE did you ever find your wife??

[Umka36 781]

Some of you guys don't know the amount of influence family has on children especially the ones who make it out or the eldest child. OP can make trouble for the salon owner but it will only make things worse for his wife because her parents are the ones making her feel guilty for not helping. hence, they borrow and put themselves in a bad situation so she has to slave herself to help them.

OP can either divorce and move on or help his wife pay off debt.

Even if this is true, it does not answer the question of why she would have to be away from her husband to work off the family debt (besides slave labor is against the law in the US).

[Expat1 971]

Some of you guys don't know the amount of influence family has on children especially the ones who make it out or the eldest child. OP can make trouble for the salon owner but it will only make things worse for his wife because her parents are the ones making her feel guilty for not helping. hence, they borrow and put themselves in a bad situation so she has to slave herself to help them.

OP can either divorce and move on or help his wife pay off debt.

Who really cares? Wrong country to play these games.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Even if this is true, it does not answer the question of why she would have to be away from her husband to work off the family debt (besides slave labor is against the law in the US).

I am not excusing this behavior at all. His wife should have been upfront. But I have witnessed something similar unfold.

OP's wife is in a tough a place. Her family has a big hold on her. They will make her feel indebted to them forever until something drastic changes with his parents.

Slave labor is illegal .Would this pass as a slave labor? That should be the question. OP's wife is been used as a collateral for her parents' debt. The solution to her problem is not with the salon owner but her parents. They are the ones that got the loan and brought her in the middle of it. And I doubt this is the first time she has had to rescue them and it definitely wont be the last.

So need of us can answer why she would be away from her husband to work off her parents' debt but her.

So OP should go and get his wife, pay off the loan and do some serious talk with her family and come to a reasonable solution for remittance to the family back home.

The obligation to extended family is huge outside of western cultures. I have friends in Ghana who are burdened with taking care of their siblings and helping out cousins, uncles,aunts that had no contribution in their lives.

Moving to US or a culture different from where OP's wife grew up from doesn't change some of these things. So before everyone jumps up and propose a drastic measure, you have to understand these cultural dynamics. Today, it is the salon owner, another day, it could be pressure to take care of everyone in the family back in her homeland.

OP's wife could have left with her expensive belongings but she didn't. She could have just left without a note but she did. She is in a tough place and her husband should help her out from the root cause.

My comments are based on the fact that, OP does not want to give up on his marriage yet.

[Caryh 5,206]

I am not excusing this behavior at all. His wife should have been upfront. But I have witnessed something similar unfold.

OP's wife is in a tough a place. Her family has a big hold on her. They will make her feel indebted to them forever until something drastic changes with his parents.

Slave labor is illegal .Would this pass as a slave labor? That should be the question. OP's wife is been used as a collateral for her parents' debt. The solution to her problem is not with the salon owner but her parents. They are the ones that got the loan and brought her in the middle of it. And I doubt this is the first time she has had to rescue them and it definitely wont be the last.

So need of us can answer why she would be away from her husband to work off her parents' debt but her.

So OP should go and get his wife, pay off the loan and do some serious talk with her family and come to a reasonable solution for remittance to the family back home.

The obligation to extended family is huge outside of western cultures. I have friends in Ghana who are burdened with taking care of their siblings and helping out cousins, uncles,aunts that had no contribution in their lives.

Moving to US or a culture different from where OP's wife grew up from doesn't change some of these things. So before everyone jumps up and propose a drastic measure, you have to understand these cultural dynamics. Today, it is the salon owner, another day, it could be pressure to take care of everyone in the family back in her homeland.

OP's wife could have left with her expensive belongings but she didn't. She could have just left without a note but she did. She is in a tough place and her husband should help her out from the root cause.

My comments are based on the fact that, OP does not want to give up on his marriage yet.

I mostly agree with you. The root cause is her family, and that is the place the OP needs to focus his attention, because this or something similar will happen again. I have seen this ruin marriages. I've seen entire families become 100% dependent on someone who moved over seas. Then one day something happens and the gravy train ends and the family loses everything. A friend of my wife has done this to her family in Philippines. All her siblings and their children have become totally dependent on her. But here's the looming problem now, her husband will soon retire, and she intends to retire then also. They will then move back to her country. But they are going to be totally dependent on his SS money, and that amount is about equal to what she is currently sending back home each month to support them. I sure hope all the nieces and nephews get good jobs with the schooling she paid for, because their parents have no idea how to support themselves after many years of not working.

But I don't agree with the idea that the salon owners should be let off the hook. Indentured servitude is not legal in the USA. They are very likely predators looking for and encouraging families to put a debt on their children in the USA. They are likely paying her less than minimum wage and charging her and outrageous amount for her upkeep while she's working. I wouldn't be surprised if they're doing the same thing with some illegal immigrants also.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

I mostly agree with you. The root cause is her family, and that is the place the OP needs to focus his attention, because this or something similar will happen again. I have seen this ruin marriages. I've seen entire families become 100% dependent on someone who moved over seas. Then one day something happens and the gravy train ends and the family loses everything. A friend of my wife has done this to her family in Philippines. All her siblings and their children have become totally dependent on her. But here's the looming problem now, her husband will soon retire, and she intends to retire then also. They will then move back to her country. But they are going to be totally dependent on his SS money, and that amount is about equal to what she is currently sending back home each month to support them. I sure hope all the nieces and nephews get good jobs with the schooling she paid for, because their parents have no idea how to support themselves after many years of not working.

But I don't agree with the idea that the salon owners should be let off the hook. Indentured servitude is not legal in the USA. They are very likely predators looking for and encouraging families to put a debt on their children in the USA. They are likely paying her less than minimum wage and charging her and outrageous amount for her upkeep while she's working. I wouldn't be surprised if they're doing the same thing with some illegal immigrants also.

Finally, someone sees the whole picture. And I agree with your comment about dealing with the salon owner. I wasn't thinking about how she could be overworking OP's wife and paying her less than minimum wage.

[heo luoi 206]

I mostly agree with you. The root cause is her family, and that is the place the OP needs to focus his attention, because this or something similar will happen again. I have seen this ruin marriages. I've seen entire families become 100% dependent on someone who moved over seas. Then one day something happens and the gravy train ends and the family loses everything. A friend of my wife has done this to her family in Philippines. All her siblings and their children have become totally dependent on her. But here's the looming problem now, her husband will soon retire, and she intends to retire then also. They will then move back to her country. But they are going to be totally dependent on his SS money, and that amount is about equal to what she is currently sending back home each month to support them. I sure hope all the nieces and nephews get good jobs with the schooling she paid for, because their parents have no idea how to support themselves after many years of not working.

But I don't agree with the idea that the salon owners should be let off the hook. Indentured servitude is not legal in the USA. They are very likely predators looking for and encouraging families to put a debt on their children in the USA. They are likely paying her less than minimum wage and charging her and outrageous amount for her upkeep while she's working. I wouldn't be surprised if they're doing the same thing with some illegal immigrants also.

I think too many people here are quick to leap on the abandon ship and danger zone. Of course she acted improperly in how she handled it. But the OP doesn't have all the information unfortunately and we sure as heck don't. I thought the OP was handling it prudently and cautiously and wasn't quick to panic / jump the gun.

Maybe she is in on it. Maybe the cousin is in on it. Who knows. But not sure why people bashing him.

I dont know him nor her maybe shes young and from VN from a life perspective she will lack a level of maturity people here are more accustomed to from the independence people get here much more early on and significant degrees.

If the cousin was / is in on it, that would seem shrewdly impressive if he manipulated and nurtured this introduction and relationship w/ the person that lives next door. Thats some gravitas for sure.

Also this could be simple thing parents screwed her on, maybe its a bigger 'operation' maybe it is a simple debt deal. Juxtaposing and postulating w/ little details doesnt help.

Focus should is this a fraudulent thing, and situation of poor circumstance or a full on crazy bad op and illegal operation. If she too a victim hopefully her well being as well.

But there definitely are clowns and definitely people that can play the long con....

Time will tell.

Edited May 3, 2016 by heo luoi

[Ontarkie 14,440]

~~3 Off topic posts removed. Stay on topic or do not post.~~