texas chili contest

[almaty 19]

Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope

for

you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to

paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For

those

of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually

have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes

up a

major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3

was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from

Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two

judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy #######, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when

they

saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the

beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Stella, the beer maid,

was

standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting

to

look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili

had given me brain damage. Stella saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips

off.

It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop

screaming.

Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it

will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that

Stella. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow

cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about

judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

At

least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to

stop

breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If

I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

he's

going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really

hot

chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Niels Bohr 72]

Those chillis are weak because they're regulated by the FDA. Go to Thailand, and try their chillis. No government regulations whatsoever. At the sight of it, your eyes water and you start to sniffle.

[almaty 19]

Those chillis are weak because they're regulated by the FDA. Go to Thailand, and try their chillis. No government regulations whatsoever. At the sight of it, your eyes water and you start to sniffle.

whoa, i believe you..i had some hot thai food before here..i can only imagine

[Savanphil 3]

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

Those chillis are weak because they're regulated by the FDA. Go to Thailand, and try their chillis. No government regulations whatsoever. At the sight of it, your eyes water and you start to sniffle.

whoa, i believe you..i had some hot thai food before here..i can only imagine

Seriously hot. I can keep up with my wife and her chilis.

[Jasman0717 9]

:lol: :lol:

[Otto 83]

WoW...... didn't realize our scoville intake was an issue for the FDA...are they taking into account the open-fire (for cooking), trash can/barrel (as container) and boat oar (for stirring) too?...

Can buy Capsaicin at Walgreens...Red Savina (Habanero) at Whole Foods...etc..Guess I ain't never been to the Great Thailand Chili Cookoff...

~Rant

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Pooooooor Number 3

[Niels Bohr 72]

It's an issue because 10 minutes after eating it, you'll probably be in the toilet. Probably, you will be using the toilet the entire day. Happens when you eat spicy food.

[almaty 19]

It's an issue because 10 minutes after eating it, you'll probably be in the toilet. Probably, you will be using the toilet the entire day. Happens when you eat spicy food.

...ouch

[brnidokiegurl 0]

thanks to VJ i will now never look at Chili or Q-Tips in the same manner as i did before!!!!!!!!