STUBBORN WIFE!!!

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Hi thanks for your kind words.She is 28 yrs old and is earning approx $25 an hour.She has a good job.She was not happy in the previous job then she applied for the current job and she got fired because she was slow and she didn't do what she was supposed to do.Then she got a new job in the same hospital and now again she has same problems with her new manager.I tell her all the time how I have seen other couples and how they live with each other and this is not happening in our case and she gets upset and blames me for comparing her to others.

Yeah, don't compare.

When my husband first came here, he was not working and I would ask him to pick me up from work sometimes. He did that gladly, but you know what? He was late every single time. He didn't want to be late, he told me he was frustrated with himself. And yeah, sometimes it made me mad. But I knew that didn't mean he loved me any less; he just has a hard time being on time... anywhere. Life with him is often being late.

A lot of what you say about her does sound really odd, but I am just trying to imagine being in her head. It seems like there are a lot of communication problems and differences in expectations. How you split money and stuff should have been discussed before you got married.

And regarding cleaning the house, you should be able to clean it. Maybe you can ask her how she likes things done and learn her ways so you are both happy. She will also have to learn to accept that it will not always be her way, and that's life. But getting adjusted and comfortable takes time.

Learning how to talk this stuff out also takes time.

[waitingstill21 44]

You are not insensitive or rude and thanks for your precious time reading and replying.I guess you misread or understood it wrong or I wrote in a wrong way.First of all I am not disabled and I already have a job as soon as I get my AUTHORIZATION TO WORK.I am a person who has never expected and taken help of any kind from others.I am well educated and have worked hard always.I have and will always help people in need to any extent.I have absolutely no problem in getting own Health and Vehicle Insurance.I mentioned it here cos I am worried if we have separate insurances then the USICS will create problem and think it is not a bonafide marriage as they have done in many cases during REMOVAL OF CONDITION,which will be after two years from now for me.I have lived very active life style since I was very young.The last thing I want to do is to depend on someone else in my life.

Have you guys gone over finances to see if part of her stress is struggling to make ends meet with an extra person in the house. There are a lot of things that you may need to discuss and if shes not willing too maybe shes embarrassed about the financial situation. Until you are also working unless you came with money saved up all of the added expenses are on her, if the health or car insurance is to increase she has to cover that and maybe she knows that even if its minimal its not something she can afford. Maybe shes not handling things the way she should per what immigration wants but if she cant afford these extra things she cant afford it, maybe once you are working and finances are more shared she will be more open to joint insurances or new policies with you as a beneficiary.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

That is true!!! One should never compare their loved ones to others but when their loved ones tells them that whatever they are doing is the way things happen in every relationship which is not true of course then what I am supposed to do?

Tell her that it doesn't matter what other people do. Tell her whatever it is doesn't work for you and makes you feel unloved/unappreciated/whatever.

[depressed_lost 12]

Have you guys gone over finances to see if part of her stress is struggling to make ends meet with an extra person in the house. There are a lot of things that you may need to discuss and if shes not willing too maybe shes embarrassed about the financial situation. Until you are also working unless you came with money saved up all of the added expenses are on her, if the health or car insurance is to increase she has to cover that and maybe she knows that even if its minimal its not something she can afford. Maybe shes not handling things the way she should per what immigration wants but if she cant afford these extra things she cant afford it, maybe once you are working and finances are more shared she will be more open to joint insurances or new policies with you as a beneficiary.

Hi! As I said earlier she does not have any financial responsibility for me.I pay half bills and for my food and I paid for Immigration fees.

[depressed_lost 12]

Tell her that it doesn't matter what other people do. Tell her whatever it is doesn't work for you and makes you feel unloved/unappreciated/whatever.

We have gone through this conversation and she seems to understand and accept but then after 2-3 days its back to basics.I am tired of playing this ping-pong...

[TBoneTX 46,067]

OP, look at your VJ username: depressed_lost.

Your situation doesn't even approach the status of a relationship.

It barely qualifies as a "bad" roommate situation.

We need to look at what people do, not just what they claim verbally.

This woman says that she loves you, but nothing that you've described remotely approaches that.

In fact, her treatment of you is nearly complete disrespect and disregard.

If you try to talk to her, and she continues to blow you off by blaming her "stress," take note.

If you suggest counseling and she refuses, or says that she'll go only if you pay for it, take note.

It will match the previous treatment that you've described.

Ask yourself:

1) If any one of her troubling-to-you behaviors or attitudes continues, can you accept it for a lifetime without ever saying one word about it or without resenting it ever again? (Think money, lack of intimacy, lack of scheduling, etc.)

2) No matter what her positive essential qualities are, can you accept the worst of her negative essential qualities without wanting or needing or trying to change it?

3) When you're together, does being with her make you feel like a million bucks, or like two cents?

You didn't pick your username of depressed_lost without good reason.

Edited March 28, 2016 by TBoneTX

[Unidentified 2,930]

We have gone through this conversation and she seems to understand and accept but then after 2-3 days its back to basics.I am tired of playing this ping-pong...

Then why stay?

[waitingstill21 44]

Hi! As I said earlier she does not have any financial responsibility for me.I pay half bills and for my food and I paid for Immigration fees.

I am sorry I missed that post, in that case if you are willing to pay whatever the added expense is then I dont see why she would have an issue with adding you onto anything. I was not trying to imply that even if you werent that she shouldnt add you on but sometimes the cost is a factor. My fiance came over with very little money and cant really help with much until he gets his EAD and a job but I have already taken him to get his DL, added him to my health and car insurance and added his name on the bank account that I use to pay bills because I know in the future those things will be very important. Youre marriage is very new you two need to figure out how to communicate with each other both about your feelings and about the immigration process as you have many more years of dealing with it to come.

[depressed_lost 12]

Then why stay?

For a hope that things will get better.I have come a long way and given 7 years to this relationship and things were perfect when we were online.She was way too sweet and communicated very well online...If anyone here thinks I am lying about anything then I can show my conversation with her Uncle and her Mom on Facebook messenger.Sadly now her mom is bugging me everyday and telling me to take care of her she is stressed.Her aunt died day before yesterday and I felt like crying because I met her once and she was very nice with me.But my wife and her sister were giggling and laughing about different stuff,My wife was dancing to her dog when she came back from her work and looked happy yet her mom messages me to be supportive to her and take care of her because she is in grief.I told her a person whose in grief and whose aunt's dead body is laying in the morgue doesn't dance and jokes and giggle and her mom got upset with me.I don't know if it's me or this is cultural difference but one thing I know is if my aunt died a few hrs ago I wouldn't be joking and giggling in front of my grand mother and my father.

[TBoneTX 46,067]

OP, we have a saying: "You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear."

There's typically wisdom behind old sayings.

Edited March 28, 2016 by TBoneTX

[Unidentified 2,930]

For a hope that things will get better.I have come a long way and given 7 years to this relationship and things were perfect when we were online.She was way too sweet and communicated very well online...If anyone here thinks I am lying about anything then I can show my conversation with her Uncle and her Mom on Facebook messenger.Sadly now her mom is bugging me everyday and telling me to take care of her she is stressed.Her aunt died day before yesterday and I felt like crying because I met her once and she was very nice with me.But my wife and her sister were giggling and laughing about different stuff,My wife was dancing to her dog when she came back from her work and looked happy yet her mom messages me to be supportive to her and take care of her because she is in grief.I told her a person whose in grief and whose aunt's dead body is laying in the morgue doesn't dance and jokes and giggle and her mom got upset with me.I don't know if it's me or this is cultural difference but one thing I know is if my aunt died a few hrs ago I wouldn't be joking and giggling in front of my grand mother and my father.

People act completely different online than in real life. It's your choice, your life but like T-Bone said: "If any one of her troubling-to-you behaviors or attitudes continues, can you accept it for a lifetime without ever saying one word about it or without resenting it ever again? (Think money, lack of intimacy, lack of scheduling, etc.)"

[depressed_lost 12]

OP, look at your VJ username: depressed_lost.

Your situation doesn't even approach the status of a relationship.

It barely qualifies as a "bad" roommate situation.

We need to look at what people do, not just what they claim verbally.

This woman says that she loves you, but nothing that you've described remotely approaches that.

In fact, her treatment of you is nearly complete disrespect and disregard.

If you try to talk to her, and she continues to blow you off by blaming her "stress," take note.

If you suggest counseling and she refuses, or says that she'll go only if you pay for it, take note.

It will match the previous treatment that you've described.

Ask yourself:

1) If any one of her troubling-to-you behaviors or attitudes continues, can you accept it for a lifetime without ever saying one word about it or without resenting it ever again? (Think money, lack of intimacy, lack of scheduling, etc.)

2) No matter what her positive essential qualities are, can you accept the worst of her negative essential qualities without wanting or needing or trying to change it?

3) When you're together, does being with her make you feel like a million bucks, or like two cents?

You didn't pick your username of depressed_lost without good reason.

Hi thanks a lot for making a comment.I can bet my life on the fact that she will tell me to pay if I want a marriage counseling.The issue is she is not consistent with her behavior one day she is nice and another day she is completely different person.I forgot to mention that she told me once, she had ADHD or ADD and OCD while she was a child and she did not take medication for that.One moment she is very nice and saying she loves me and another moment after few minutes I become a J..k and as..h...Even her own uncle accepted the fact that she does not pay much attention towards me and he was pissed off when she asked me to pay for my sandwich in front of family.

[TomEn 90]

For a hope that things will get better.I have come a long way and given 7 years to this relationship and things were perfect when we were online.She was way too sweet and communicated very well online...If anyone here thinks I am lying about anything then I can show my conversation with her Uncle and her Mom on Facebook messenger.Sadly now her mom is bugging me everyday and telling me to take care of her she is stressed.Her aunt died day before yesterday and I felt like crying because I met her once and she was very nice with me.But my wife and her sister were giggling and laughing about different stuff,My wife was dancing to her dog when she came back from her work and looked happy yet her mom messages me to be supportive to her and take care of her because she is in grief.I told her a person whose in grief and whose aunt's dead body is laying in the morgue doesn't dance and jokes and giggle and her mom got upset with me.I don't know if it's me or this is cultural difference but one thing I know is if my aunt died a few hrs ago I wouldn't be joking and giggling in front of my grand mother and my father.

Not trying to sound insensitive and I'm sorry if I am, but dude, just pack your stuff and leave. If my father died today, I will probably dance around with much happiness that a person who wasted so much oxygen in this world is at last dead and I am Indian for the love of God (cultural difference...really???). From all the posts that we have read thus far, yes you are the best husband she could have ever asked for but you are not appreciated so now all you are doing is finding as much fault with her as possible. You do not know what her relationship with her aunt has been and you finished judging her based on how she reacted to the news of her aunt's death.

You have now turned bitter to everything she does for the way she is with you. Wish I could delete my previous post about trying to salvage your marriage, but one can't do that here on this site. So here is my next post. "PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANNUL YOUR MARRIAGE"

You don't need a divorce since it has not even been a year. Just annul it and go live your life. Doesn't seem like you will ever be happy in this relationship. Poor you. See what is happening to you. Poor you - one who selflessly helps everyone, see what the world is doing to you.

So now just get up and leave before you have even more time, money and energy wasted into this "relationship"

[depressed_lost 12]

OP, we have a saying: "You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear."

There's typically wisdom behind old sayings.

that's very true.Thanks for bringing it up.

[TBoneTX 46,067]

OP, you're beginning to answer your own questions, which is positive.

And the OCD/ADD/ADHD adds yet another ominous layer to the situation for you.