How To Prepare For The USA: Before the move and afterwards

[*Snowdrop* 604]

Two of the most common themes in the threads on here are - how to survive a long distance relationship with a long time apart, and how to survive the first few months in the USA. So my experience is that if you prepare and plan for your arrival or your fiance's arrival it can keep you so busy (assuming you are also living your usual life - work, eating, sleeping, talking to other human beings) that you find the time apart not so daunting. Plus you actually feel like you are doing something that you have control over, unlike USCIS and their weird processing times.

So this is a list for both petitioner and beneficiary and how you split preparation like this depends on your unique coupleness and your individual strengths and preferences - ie sometimes one partner is super organised and proactive - sometimes that's the USC, sometimes it's not. There may be other considerations like language issues, finances, etc etc. But I bet there's something in the lists below for everyone....

Before Arrival:

1. Prepare 'all the immigration stuff' - I'm not going to list it on here because it's all over the site in the guides, in the forums, in the wiki. But while you have all this waiting time get to know this stuff INSIDE OUT. At least one of you should know what to expect and do at every stage of the process so there are no horrible surprises. Read, research, Google it, double check it here and on the official USCIS, State Dept websites. Tell your other half everything you learn.

2. Prepare the non-immigration stuff:

Make a Budget Make a Budget Make a Budget

So important I said it three times.

- Discuss goals, needs, wants and realistic expectations

- Work out how much you will need, double it and then work out how to pay for everything and whether you can BOTH save like crazy, do extra shifts, get a second job while waiting for the visa to process so that you will be able to cover all the needs and wants.

- Remember needs and wants are not the same thing and you have to work with your own circumstance so all the below will not apply.

Budget for these first few months (both of you)

You will definitely need money for (K1s):

- wedding

- AOS process

- health insurance, costs while health insurance is being sorted out

- being out of work for three months, or more (or stay at home options for those who want this - this includes what access the non-working partner will have to funds and a budget for their needs)

You might want:

- job hunting costs

- home renovation projects

- second car, computer, phone and plan

- re-buying all the stuff which you forgot or couldn't bring with you

- fun stuff together - exploring the new area

- study costs - possible language courses etc

- driving costs - test taking, lessons, extra insurance

Do you need something else to do to fill your time? How about researching and getting info and resources for all the following this the new immigrant might need:

Services:

- doctor

- dentist

- optometrist

- other medical specialists

- hairdresser

- beauty/spa services

- vet for those bringing pets

- schools for those bringing kids

- gym / health club

- church

Tech/Communications:

- cell phone/plan

- computer

- home country TV service

Driving/Transport

- DMV manual

- Your state requirements

- Driving school

- Other transport options

Study/Work

- find courses, places to study

- work out requirements and if prep can start before moving

- work networking, research, resume prep, business cards?

Getting to know the area

- maps (digital and or the paper sort)

- books about the area

A Taste of Home

- food shops

- restaurants

- meetup groups

- how to access TV from home

My suggestion is define a place - a box, a drawer, a shelf, a folder on your computer - and start gathering all this info. A welcome box if you will for your new fiancee/wife. It will make the first few months smoother.

After Arrival:

1. Talk about goals, plan and how you want to structure your time. Do you both want to ease into the new situation with a vacation at the start. Work with your new arrival's personality type. Are they happy with a good book, Netflix and access to the Internet to fill in the alone time? Will they need more hand-holding. If yes, how are you going to arrange it?

Things you can do if you are in a new home, in a new country:

- relax and rest

That immigration journey was pretty grueling wasn't it, plus a huge international flight, all that packing and emotional goodbyes. Maybe a week chilling and catching up on sleep

- spend time together alone

After all that time and anguish apart - plan some quality time together. Not just trips to the SS office or DMV.

- house/home projects

If you've budgeted for this it can be a great way to feel at home - decorate and organise as a couple finally. I spent over three hours a day for the first two months decluttering all the old junk (ie. my husband's stuff) in the house.

- explore

walk, drive, cycle, shop, museums, art galleries, - if you think your partner would not enjoy this alone, try to organize some vacation from work, or draft a team of helpers - friends, family etc

If the USC works in a city or town and you can't drive yet, go into the town/city with them once or twice a week - hang out in the library, or coffee shop, take a laptop, or go shopping, meet them for lunch, read a book in the park. Get out of the house.

- meet wider family and friends

Plan parties and visits and fun things to do to introduce your partner into your wider world and community. My mother-in-law took me out in the car every week for the first few months and it was a fun bonding experience.

- driving

Whether it's practice, lessons, studying the guide getting the licence sorted etc

- finding work

Even if you can't actually work yet there's hours of stuff you can do to prepare before the EAD/Greencard comes. Update your resume, update all online options like LinkedIn etc, get business cards printed, go to networking events, organize informational interviews at the types of places you'd like to work, see if you can shadow someone at a company you'd like to work. Find out if you need to acquire more skills etc

- study

Learn something new - either useful or fun. Use local community resources or do an online course.

- volunteer

- hobbies

Music, art, creating/making, gardening, reading, writing, blogging, sports, play poker online - I don't know whatever thrills you. When was the last time you had enforced leisure time - try to enjoy it.

I'm sure other people have loads more ideas.......

[Amhara 460]

This is great information! Thank you for this post. I know my husband had a rough first few weeks before we could really do anything. I was able to get a second job at a college, which has helped tremendously, but the finances were still out of wack. We are just now getting more stable. I think getting my husband's drivers license was the beginning of him feeling like his life was being built here. He missed the busy bazaars - since America has so much land compared to many countries, our neighborhoods aren't designed like many other countries. I've had many migrant co-workers say they felt isolated by the way Americans drive everywhere and lack of foot traffic - now they are used to it and prefer it after about a year or two.

We planned on enrolling him in college courses soon after he got here and that has helped a lot too. He didn't want to take the bus, but now he's very comfortable with it. He gets to travel to downtown for classes, so he gets that public exposure he is used to. It's hard to prepare someone for a new culture, but try to understand their expectations. Many immigrants tend to idealize American life and movies give the idea that Americans go shopping all the time, have hours of leisure time and have no health concerns - that's simply not the case. The harsh reality is that America is not so much different than where they are from, but at the same time is quite different than where they are from.

Expect relationship issues and stay committed to each other. Listen, listen, listen. Communicate with love and be clear about your needs. You will find that your relationship becomes different. It's up to both your attitudes to make that a positive different, but if it becomes a little negative, don't give up. Remember the love for each other and tackle the problem with your spouse's point of view. Apologize when you need to. Foreign spouses have a lot to adjust to; the excitement of moving to be with the one they love can switch to missing their old life and more importantly - their family. It's normal - try to make them feel safe and don't feel like you made a mistake. If you continue to build a strong relationship, it will all be worth it. You will never stop building - keep thinking about making each other happy, and you both with enjoy a selfless marriage!

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Very handy list. Probably better if it's pinned since many people kept asking a same questions through times on VJ.

[johnandmhel 3]

This is exactly the kind of helpful information I've been looking for my fiancee who is coming in May! Thank you Trellick for putting it together and also to Amhara above for the last paragraph -- very true.

My fiancee has taken driving lessons over in the Philippines but, of course, will need to take them again here in the States. I think it's really important that she feels she can get around soon after getting here. I've had the experience of living for five years in Japan and the first few months in Japan, I really didn't know the the city I lived in as I only knew what was around the subway stops. So I know what it's like to feel disoriented and out of place in a new environment.

So much focus is on the before of immigration -- establishing the relationship, getting the visa, and not so much on the after --- what you do after you get to your new country. It's good to see this list. Thank you.

[Roy&Chanel 109]

This is really good information, thanks for sharing!

[aratamorne 164]

This is a great post. I was looking for something like this. Annalyn's sister had an awful arrival in the US when her Spousal Visa was completed about 6-7 years ago. He was totally unprepared for her arrival from the Philippines. Heck, she arrived in the middle of winter and he did not even have a coat for her, so we have discussed not just the VISA process, but her arrival process and planning our first few months together besides the required wedding and AOS.

We will be in the DC region so there is so much to do and plenty of public transportation until she can drive. Annalyn does not know how... yet. My friends have also already made plans to take her shopping, ouch, there go my credit cards.

Being in such a populous region, I have identified the local Filipino stores as well as asian markets that carry plenty of Filipino products..... shout out to H-Mart. I took her sister there when she visited from Kentucky and she went crazy for the Milk fish, shrimp paste, green mango, and ginamus (it is a spicy dried little anchovies). When she found the Datu Puti and Silver Swan, she was very happy, and they are both crazy for canned corned beef, lol, so thankfully that is also available. They had two or three entire aisles with products from the Philippines, including banana ketchup. The first time I went to H-Mart, we skyped so Annalyn could tell me what everything was and had to explain that Banana ketchup did not have bananas as an ingredient.

I have also found the local churches that have Filipino congregations for us to attend.

I am so grateful that she will be joining me here , I have to consider everything she is giving up by moving to an entirely new country. I know the first couple of weeks will be a whirlwind of emotions and happiness, but it is so important to me that during those quiet moments, she can look around and think to herself that she is home. We know there will be ups and downs and adjustments, we discuss it when we talk of the future, but as you stated Trellick, planning for them can help reduce the stress.

Thanks for the ideas, especially a welcome basket.... us men need help with that occasionally.

[TBoneTX 45,264]

Bump, for cause.