my fiances first week in america...,.

[Georgia16 2,858]

I'm bringing my son how is 10 he does not really speak English he can answer a few questions but thats about it.

He will go to school when we get there and they will test them and support them with the English so no concerns for me I know they will learn it very fast.

The smaller then better actually.

Sorry hope you got it, it autocorrect everything (just to wrong :-/ )

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

Find a Thai community in your area..or visit a Thai restaurant with her.. and try to find out Thai nationals in the area to get her connected.

it will require lots of effort from your end..

Thai tv shows online, Thai foods anything that can help her gradually transition into American culture.

[Amhara 460]

The first month was the roughest for us too. We married the soonest we could after he arrived, and I couldn't take off work from my part-time job. I also couldn't clean the apartment as much as I wanted to, so I think that began with some disappointment. But I think all immigrants get the "this is not home" blues. It broke my heart to see how sad my husband was. He was used to throngs of people outside, and we don't have that. He was used to walking outside in a bazaar around others and shops along the streets, but here, you only see people in their cars and you need to drive to the market - just one store. His brother and his family are here, but in a distant state. My husband was missing his mom so much. He hated the food.

The worse thing was that we were adjusting to our married life and understanding each other's emotions and reactions. We spent hours on Skype and Messenger, but in daily life in doing minor things was different. Our Dubai trip was great, although we had a few disagreements then too. I was snapping at him. I had to learn why I was acting like that and how to change my behavior. Our relationship improved so much when we were talking about our feelings and how we want the other person to act - on both sides. I was able to change to tell him what was making me frustrated and what we need to do to change things or for me to see the situation differently. We each appreciate it when the other implements something we had spoken about.

I have many immigrants working with me and they have all told me that it took them 1-2 years to feel comfortable in America. Your wife may have a hard time due to the separation with her son. You two sounded like you had his best interests in mind, but he probably misses his mother too. I know my guy feels better after he talks to family back home. He takes two college courses and he had to work hard to pass the college entrance class, despite already being in college before he came. Our EAD/AP was approved about 89 days after we filed it (but could have been three weeks sooner...long story...)

This is going to be a difficult transition. The more involved she feels and gets, the easier it will be. Hopefully her friend coming will get her out of the house more. Be as patient as you can. A man can't fix a woman's feelings (unless he needs to apologize...) but you can let her know that you are totally committed to her and your family, including your step-son. Try to make her feel as secure and safe as possible. Let her cry and let her grow.

[traveler100 20]

One word, my friend....... shopping.

shopping will cure all her woes. i'm guessing she agreed to take this huge step with a picture of america in her mind being something amazing and reality isn't quite what she expected. give her something she'll like. most women enjoy shopping, set a budget for yourself, whatever you can afford.. and take her to store. try to avoid malls as she may see so many things and get confused or would want it all. take her to a macy's, perhaps and buy some toys (1 or 2) for her child. also try to avoid taking her to thai restaurants. it is a bad idea. something you must understand about homesickness, the cultural stuff in america is far from authentic and it just spells disappointment. she hasn't been away from home for so long that she misses the thai cuisine yet. don't try to over compensate. take her out for some good old american ice cream or coffee, something she can experience and take her mind off Thailand for a bit.

Hope things work out.

[Unlockable 7,314]

OP,

You seem to have a good heart and strong desire to make your wife happy. Although it is frustrating because you may feel helpless by not making her feel better; continue to support her. Make every effort to bring her son here. Even if she sees you sitting at the table filling out the paperwork I bet it will give her a better feeling because she will see you are trying. It may take some time but marriage is for fighting through the tough times together.

But I think all immigrants get the "this is not home" blues. It broke my heart to see how sad my husband was. He was used to throngs of people outside, and we don't have that. He was used to walking outside in a bazaar around others and shops along the streets, but here, you only see people in their cars and you need to drive to the market - just one store. His brother and his family are here, but in a distant state. My husband was missing his mom so much. He hated the food.

The worse thing was that we were adjusting to our married life and understanding each other's emotions and reactions.

Amhara,

I can relate to what you stated above in bold. We live in the suburbs and my wife says that Americans "live in solitude", meaning we stay locked in our own homes with no contact with others. You are right about having to drive everywhere just to pick up a few items. In her apartment in the D.R., my wife could yell out the window to any number of "jovens" on the street to run next door and pick up some spices or whatever.

But what bothers her the most is how apart many Americans live away from their families. She doesn't understand how someone can live in a house by themselves. She thinks its absolutely horrible that many elderly people here (60+) live alone. People who come from close knit/joint family cultures often experience a big culture shock when migrating to the US.

Luckily she has realized it is a process that will take time and she is will to go through it with me.

Edited March 11, 2016 by NuestraUnion

[kates43 13]

I am sorry to hear it has been a hard first week.

I came from Australia and living in Maine, and heck that was enough culture shock for me let alone Thailand to the US.

I also went through the motions of severe home sickness and shutting down, trying to sleep the day away so I didn't get sad and wait hours for my husband to get home, I had no one to talk to all day, it's not nice. I didn't want to go out but at the same time I hated being in the house all the time. Where we are living is rural compared to what I'm used to and I hate it.

I've now been here for about seven months and it has only been comfortable around 2 or so months ago.

As hard as it is for you too, to see your partner so distressed, be there for her. I guarantee she is struggling hard and I'm sure she misses her 'home', familiarity and her son especially. Sometimes you don't like where you Were born, but you move elsewhere and then realize you actually love those things you've grown up with.

She needs you to be strong, to be there for her and I see you have tried to take her to Thai places etc. that's good, but the Thai is different in the states, not quite the same. I imagine it is frustrating also maybe not understanding the language and humor etc.

Coming to the USA can be so difficult, no matter where you have come form. The process is hard and you get down knowing you have to wait for employment and making friends and getting used to your surroundings. I can't even describe, I was shocked how homesick I was. Still am, but it isn't as bad.

I encourage you to be patient, strong for her and to also look after yourself. Make sure you have a close and trustworthy person/married couple to speak to, even if they don't understand your situation, it is good to have support and get good advice.

I truly hope it gets better, but from experience I struggled hard for months, and it may take her not that long, or longer, but it does get better.

Once she has advanced parole or green card, maybe see if she's interested in a visit home. Try to keep that as a plan if it helps her get through this.

Good luck!

[kates43 13]

Ps: there is some seriously awesome advice people have been giving you!

[BohoVoyage 0]

I left my family behind to move to India in June, and yeah it can be depressing when you're in a place where you can't really communicate with others, you miss friends, and you just feel misplaced. It's normal... think about how you would feel if you had moved to Thailand.

It took me about 6 or 7 months, which I've only been here for 10 months this month, so yeah it takes a while to get used to a new way of life. Things are much different, and when you're seeking something (like comfort foods you used to enjoy) and it's just not the same, it can be really depressing, especially when you were seeking comfort :/ .. Another thing that is depressing is when you feel like people are starring at you all the time, and you realize how you may not have many things in common with the people around you. Plus, the language barrier sucks! Even though Indians speak English, there's many times where I'll try to talk to someone and they have no idea what I'm saying because of my accent, and it's so frustrating sometimes. So, she may be feeling like this and just not wanting to talk because it frustrates her. Though, I don't understand why she's not responding to you...

Just keep loving her, keep trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible, it's great that her friend is coming to visit, but remember she will probably be happy for that month, and once the friend leaves, you'll be back in this situation. Keep her skyping with family as much as possible and reassuring her that her son will be with you guys soon. If you can get him there before 4 years, do so. Sign him up for language lessons and do whatever you can. After all, you are going to act as his father right? She needs to know you care.

[Cathi 5,750]

we agreed to bring him here within 4 years, when we first started talking of her coming to america her idea was to have her mother keep the son for the 4 years, my concern was his non english skills and schooling here

i will look into this book

I can tell you right now you should have brought her son with her and you need to do so ASAP- NO mother should ever leave a child behind. I am not sure why you were worried about her son's lack of English, at his age language comes very easy and the older he gets the more difficult it will be for him to pick it up. I know from experience as I have family from Chile, when my cousins brought their young children and enrolled them in school they were put in ESL(English as second language)class and literally within weeks they were speaking English. They have kids from countries all over the world speaking a myriad of different languages in these classes.

You wife will not do well until her son is here.

[Cathi 5,750]

I would just relax a little man. You're talking about a huge huge transition. The son could be part of the problem, but their culture it isn't odd to be away from kids like that. I'm assuming you've been married before, could be a bad assumption. But you do know women will hold anything you do wrong against you for the entire span of your relationships. So to analyze if pushing for a different phone made her upset, well you will know someday in a fight. My wife got mad I got her a flip phone before she got to the U.S. so she would have a phone that works the second she landed. I'm sure you will get things figured out, just remember not everyone can uproot and move to another country. It will take years to acclimate, but if things are off and you don't feel right don't get married. The English thing I think is a mistake, I have been in your shoes before with girls I've dated and the allure wore off really quickly for me when you can't talk with each other. Not saying it won't work, but that is a really tough combination you through into the mix of a relationship. Hopefully all will work out for the best, any relationship only requires two things to be successful. Two people trying to make it work.

Her son is the BIGGEST part of the problem,unless you are a mother you cannot understand the bond between the two.

OP: reading a book as other have mentioned, isn't going to change the fact that she left her son behind

[madtownguy 164]

Her son is the BIGGEST part of the problem,unless you are a mother you cannot understand the bond between the two.

OP: reading a book as other have mentioned, isn't going to change the fact that she left her son behind

Every culture is different. I highly doubt that is the main part of the problem, it's something she will probably fall back on when lonely and bored. Everyone in my wives family works over seas and leaves their kids for long periods of time. I have a half Thai cousin who's parents got divorced and she goes back in forth for a year at a time with out seeing one parent. The Asian culture it is much more normal for this to happen. My wife didn't have kids and she felt the same when she got here. She goes back to her country 2 times a year and she still misses it a ton. If I moved to another country I would feel the same, it's normal. Obviously it's a good idea to get her son here, but I would make sure the relationship can work first before you go through that mess. Not everyone is meant to uproot their life and move to another country even if the living conditions could be a vast improvement.

[Unidentified 2,930]

Every culture is different. I highly doubt that is the main part of the problem, it's something she will probably fall back on when lonely and bored. Everyone in my wives family works over seas and leaves their kids for long periods of time. I have a half Thai cousin who's parents got divorced and she goes back in forth for a year at a time with out seeing one parent. The Asian culture it is much more normal for this to happen. My wife didn't have kids and she felt the same when she got here. She goes back to her country 2 times a year and she still misses it a ton. If I moved to another country I would feel the same, it's normal. Obviously it's a good idea to get her son here, but I would make sure the relationship can work first before you go through that mess. Not everyone is meant to uproot their life and move to another country even if the living conditions could be a vast improvement.

If I understand you correctly it's not even the same thing. Your half Thai cousin left her parents. This woman left her son.

[gradtaai 8]

Every culture is different. I highly doubt that is the main part of the problem, it's something she will probably fall back on when lonely and bored. Everyone in my wives family works over seas and leaves their kids for long periods of time. I have a half Thai cousin who's parents got divorced and she goes back in forth for a year at a time with out seeing one parent. The Asian culture it is much more normal for this to happen. My wife didn't have kids and she felt the same when she got here. She goes back to her country 2 times a year and she still misses it a ton. If I moved to another country I would feel the same, it's normal. Obviously it's a good idea to get her son here, but I would make sure the relationship can work first before you go through that mess. Not everyone is meant to uproot their life and move to another country even if the living conditions could be a vast improvement.

I have to second this. I have lived in Thailand for many years. The number of women that I know of that leave their children with their mothers to raise to go work in the city is almost uncountable. My wife's two sister's husbands work overseas. Neither see their husbands except for 3 to 4 weeks every TWO years. One of the husbands has two beautiful daughters. He talks with them everyday on the phone. I don't understand how they can do it, but Thai's have a very "practical" side. I believe they see marriage a lot more as a business relationship than we do in the west.

So I leave you with a quote from someone who was asked about the difference between marriage in the East, where many are/used to be arranged, and West. "Its is the same difference in how we make tea. In the West, you bring the water to a boil and then add the tea. In the East, we add the tea, then bring it to a boil."

Also due to Thai culture. A woman's mother is far more important than their children.

[gradtaai 8]

I just got to thinking about the "first week". When I fly back to the States, I get jet lag really bad, it takes me almost 2 weeks adjust. It could have some bearing on her ability to cope with the culture shock.

[NikLR 13,227]

The transition was hard for me as a Canadian. I cannot imagine if I could not understand most people.

All you can be is understanding. The woman you fell in love with is there, she's just homesick and missing her child. This isnt about you and you have to swallow hour feelings for a while. There's nothing you've done wrong or are doing wrong persay, but she has little control over her life right now. Get her the phone she wants so she can contact her family and have a little independence.

My daughter wanted to stay in Canada with her father. It's unbelievably hard to be without your child when you're used to them on a daily basis. If you can have her son move asap, then please do so.

Also the sooner you're married and can adjust her status, the more personal freedom you can give her. She can get a job or travel. Unless you plan on having ber and her son adjust status as the same time (more cost effective this way) that is. But maybe talk to her about wedding plans?