Step-children

[raymaga 25]

I am just curious to find out how other couples are dealing with the step-child situation.

I am the foreign spouse (Canadian), my husband is the US citizen. My 19-year-old daughter (Canadian) came to live with us a year ago. I have 2 adult sons in Canada that I miss terribly and thought that having my daughter live with us would be nice for me so that I could have some family here. My daughter is attending college here and will be living with us for at least another few years.

It is a lot harder than I anticipated and sometimes does cause maritial problems between my husband and I. I feel torn between my husband and my daughter at times and don't like being put in the middle. We have our good days and our bad days, and I keep hoping it will get easier for everybody as time goes on.

Just curious on how it's working out for others here on VJ.

[rebeccajo 14]

I like to call my families interpersonal dynamic as 'interplanetary'.

I am the Sun. They revolve around me like Earth and Mars, never crossing each others paths. There is no interaction - either positive or adverse.

Not at all what I had hoped for.

Edited March 13, 2007 by rebeccajo

[raymaga 25]

I like to call my families interpersonal dynamic as 'interplanetary'.

I am the Sun. They revolve around me like Earth and Mars, never crossing each others paths. There is no interaction - either positive or adverse.

Not at all what I had hoped for.

YOU HIT THE NAIL (MY NAIL) ON THE HEAD!!!! That's exactly what it's like around here. Both my husband and my daughter talk to me, they talk very little (if ever) to each other. Sometimes, my daughter says "hello" and "good-bye" and "good night" to just me, not intentionally leaving my husband out, but he doesn't say any of those things to her either.

Not at all what I had hoped for either!!!!!!

[GrenadianCrix 1]

I like to call my families interpersonal dynamic as 'interplanetary'.

I am the Sun. They revolve around me like Earth and Mars, never crossing each others paths. There is no interaction - either positive or adverse.

Not at all what I had hoped for.

YOU HIT THE NAIL (MY NAIL) ON THE HEAD!!!! That's exactly what it's like around here. Both my husband and my daughter talk to me, they talk very little (if ever) to each other. Sometimes, my daughter says "hello" and "good-bye" and "good night" to just me, not intentionally leaving my husband out, but he doesn't say any of those things to her either.

Not at all what I had hoped for either!!!!!!

Rayma,

I'm sad to hear that the extended family is a little less than harmonious. The transition must be hard enough, but to have cold shoulders around the house must be very frustrating. I haven't filled out the poll myself because I haven't even met my fiances children yet. They are young but I am pretty anxious on how it will work out if and when they do come to live with us. Blended families are so challenging to begin with, add a little immigration and culture shock to the mix and I can only imagine how hard it is to navigate.

My heart goes out to you all, I hope you are able to find some where for everyone to meet in the middle.

Sue

[Nessa 23]

US citizen has 1 child but she doesn't live with us, so it makes no difference in mine/his or her life. I've never had kids.

[peejay 327]

I usually don't delve into my private life, but...here goes.

We have our ups and downs, but we have gelled into a family unit. My stepdaughter never knew her real dad and never had a father figure in her life until I first met her when she was 17 years old. She arrived with her mom in the USA at 18 years old and is 21 years old now. She is presently living with us again now. She has moved in with friends several times since arriving in America in attempts at adult independence from mama, but has returned to our home several times due to finances. She always moved away on good terms with us and she is always welcome back home with us. We are always there when she needs us.

She does things that her mom and I sometimes do not like or approve of. It upsets her mom more than me, but it effects me when my wife is upset. My wife sometimes does not agree with ground rules, behavior limits, and expectations I have for her daughter. I do not agree when my wife treats her adult daughter like a little kid incapable of making decisions for herself or capable of suffering the consequences of bad decisions she does make for herself.

There is always a dynamic in a family and when there is conflict or anger it always seems to resolve itself in our family without any lingering animosity. At the present time we are all getting along well and it is usually that way most of the time. I'm thankful for that. It hasn't always been easy, but it has eventually worked out well for all of us. I think we all love and respect each other. We are well familiar with each other's ways by now.

The bottom line is that my stepdaughter calls me dad and for all practical purposes I am her dad and she is my daughter.

[raymaga 25]

Peejay:

It sounds like your family has adjusted to the step-child situation very well. It is never easy to add an additional person into a new marriage, even if it's both parent's biological child. But when it's a step-child, I think it adds additional stress on the relationship, both for the biological parent, as well as the step-parent. I know it hasn't been easy for my husband to adjust to having my daughter in the house, even though he does seem to be getting more comfortable with it as time goes on. It is also difficult for me trying to keep everyone happy.

I am glad that you and your wife seem to be able to work things out when problems arise with your step-daughter. Your step-daughter is very lucky to have a Dad like you in her life.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Rayma

[Fuzzness 2]

have one step daughter. it is working out for me, for karen, and for the child. it is not working out for the biological father and I couldn't give a rat's tiny little hairy #######

[KarenCee 3]

I have to agree with my hubby (see above poster ) Things have worked out pretty good...our daughter is only 7 though, and it seems that most small children adjust better than older ones. At least to me it does. What is your opinion on this thought process?

What about discipline? Does the stepchild(ren) respect their respective stepparent? Has anyone had issues with this? We've not really had issues in this department...yet...but I fear our day is coming, especially when she hits those "scream-age" years. Any advice?

[Aymerlu 3]

My kids, 6 and 12 LOVE Khallid! Their biological dad isn't too found of a new father figure, but then again he's never been a dad to them. Khallid loves my kids like they're his own. Every day I'll hear one of the kids telling him they love him and have even heard on a few occasions when they call him "dad."

[KarenCee 3]

My kids, 6 and 12 LOVE Khallid! Their biological dad isn't too found of a new father figure, but then again he's never been a dad to them. Khallid loves my kids like they're his own. Every day I'll hear one of the kids telling him they love him and have even heard on a few occasions when they call him "dad."

When Joel and I got married, our daughter asked me one day what should she call him. I asked her what was she comfortable with. She said "I think I'll call him Joel". Eventually she began calling him Daddy...by her own choice. Bio dad of course doesn't like it that she has a stepdad nor the fact that she calls him Daddy too. However, I gave her the choice...I didn't push it on her. Her bio dad is the typical "disneyworld dad". He does most of the fun stuff while we are the parents. *sigh* At least we are providing her with stability and the opportunity to expand her horizons and learn something new everyday.

[raymaga 25]

Well, just thought I'd check back and see the results of the poll. I am happy to see that it is working out better than expected for most of you.

We had the "step-children" discussion with my husband's barber (female) on the weekend, and her and her husband are getting a divorce because of her children (15 and 9-year old girls). The 15-year old and the step-dad can't even be in the same room with each other without ending up in a screaming match, so they've decided to call it quits. When I asked her if she would ever consider marrying again before her children are grown and gone, she said.... ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!

We will continue to have our good days and our bad days, and I continue to hope the time will go quickly until my daughter finishes college and moves into her own place. In the meantime, I am enjoying having part of my family here with me.

Best wishes everyone!!!