wife wants me to support her family

[GabbyBird 53]

What's amazing to me is that people get married before even "knowing" their partners. Things like family support should have been discussed long before any thoughts of marriage.

[NikLR 13,227]

What's amazing to me is that people get married before even "knowing" their partners. Things like family support should have been discussed long before any thoughts of marriage.

My husband and I dated for a short time before marriage but even we discussed children, financial expenses and savings, family and obligations, immigration in BOTH directions, and pretty much everything before getting married. There have been a few surprises over time but nothing we couldn't work out.

I totally agree with you.

[Umka36 781]

Personally, I couldn't marry someone who feels it's their obligation/responsibility to send remittance back to their home country. I understand helping here and there, but to do it on a regular basis does make sense to me. The way I see it is that they were able to survive without your support before meeting you, and by doing this only continues the stereotype that marrying a westerner means they've hit the jackpot.

I feel this way, because my parents has been through this and I'm tired of the entitlement attitude. Ask yourself if you don't send to them money will their attitude change toward you? If it does, then to me money is more important than family.

[slb1 13]

everything was discussed before she came, I am living up to my end, sending her to english language school, driving school. But due to an on the job injury and surgery tomorrow on my shoulder we have to be careful and live on a tight budget. I have told her We only have so much budgeted for the above and if she want to use it to send home then the others go away. But she needs to be independent before i return to work in 3 to 6 months and after i can return to work then a used car for her. But she has to help pay for the car, insurance, gas, household stuff like everyone else. After all that if she wants she can send money home. She needs to stay on the plan we agreed to or none of it will happen.

[NikLR 13,227]

Well hopefully you guys can come to an understanding. Good luck.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

I disagree with the others' post about talking to her. Was this discussed prior to her coming here? Trust me, after you talk about this, next week you'll get a call about a family member is in the hospital and they need $600, you send it to them and this will continue. $200 per month in Thailand is an average full time monthly income. Let her go or you will be poor the rest of your life. You brought her here to have a better life, you did enough for her and her family.

Hi, curious to know if you have successfully divorced your wife.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/494273-how-can-i-have-wife-removed-for-marriage-fraud/page-1

[bestofboston 36]

My wife works and goes to school full time. She works two 12 hour shifts a week at a nursing home. I help her with everything except funding her parents. She usually sends her parents $200/month but she has two other sisters and a niece that sends money to her parents every month.

I don't think your marriage is going to last if she is already wanting to go to another city without you to work. Is it because she can't find employment in your city?

Many cultures, the children are expected to support their parents when they get older. That certainly the case for Filipinos. I understand this and everything goes well for us. Fortunately I am in a financial condition that allows me to take care of her car insurance, car, and all other expenses but she is really good at not getting carried away even though she loves to go shopping for clothes.

Good Luck.

My wife and I will be married for 6 years in April and everything is great between us and we are 25 years apart in age. My x-brother-in-law is 50 years older than his Chinese wife.

[Umka36 781]

My wife works and goes to school full time. She works two 12 hour shifts a week at a nursing home. I help her with everything except funding her parents. She usually sends her parents $200/month but she has two other sisters and a niece that sends money to her parents every month.

I don't think your marriage is going to last if she is already wanting to go to another city without you to work. Is it because she can't find employment in your city?

Many cultures, the children are expected to support their parents when they get older. That certainly the case for Filipinos. I understand this and everything goes well for us. Fortunately I am in a financial condition that allows me to take care of her car insurance, car, and all other expenses but she is really good at not getting carried away even though she loves to go shopping for clothes.

Good Luck.

My wife and I will be married for 6 years in April and everything is great between us and we are 25 years apart in age. My x-brother-in-law is 50 years older than his Chinese wife.

Not to sound like a hater, but what was the point of mentioning the big age difference?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but your wife works and all her income is hers to spend as she pleases but does not put any into the family pot? Does she contribute any of it to her education? If, when, should you have children, do you expect your kids to do the same thing? Sorry for all the question, but this topic is quite fascinating to me.

[NikLR 13,227]

A lot of families do their finances where a woman gets to spend what she makes, the husband pays for all the basics and then his extra money is his too. We have friends, both US born citizens, and that is exactly how their family works. They have separate accounts and don't consult each other on any purchases. I know of people on the board also like that. Everyone finds a way that hopefully works for them.

I contribute to my household expenses but I also save for any large joint expenses because I also dont have to work and we can live off a single income. We wouldnt be able to buy "toys"as often if I didnt work either but being able to live off a single income is better for people financially just in case. We run large purchases by each other because we feel it's respectful.

[FarrahIdir 46]

I am sorry you are going through this. My ex sister in law married someone overseas. His family started to expect money and harass them. She knew it wouldn't end so she bought them a car to be a taxi and said earn your own income, I'm not an atm.

[Darnell 8,478]

well, if'n she wants to work in an 'asian massage parlor' with her girlfriend,

just remind her that this year and last, lots of them are hit during prostitution stings. Lots of them.

Houston has many parlors and many stings. Just an example.

[Unlockable 7,314]

Would have posted in this thread but everything I had to say has already been covered.

• It is quite common and is discussed often on VJ.
• Huge red flags. (moving to another city with a friend???)
• If you two agreed to a financial plan and she is changing it, then it is a huge problem.
• What happens if you say, "No"?

It also seems that in a lot of cultures the children taking care of the parents is some sort of "retirement plan" for the elderly, if you will.

You should've seen the look of sheer shock on the face of my wife when I told her that not only is my mother still working and living in a 3 bedroom house by herself, but my grandfather lived alone in his house until he was 88, and my great grandmother lived alone in her home until she was 97 without hardly any financial help from their children.

[Penny Pincher 11]

I have regularly supported my wife while we where apart. But after being here in the USA for 2 weeks she now wants me to keep sending money to support her family. My answer is you can get a job, help pay for your car and insurance and household share and if you want or have any left you can send it home. Her answer was i want to go with friend in another city to work, my answer ok is tomorrow to soon. How many of you have gone through this major cultural change with a spouse before.

I don't see this much as a cultural change.

Let me tell you my story. In my case, my wife is Asian too but has different country from yours and married to her for 4 years now and known her for 9 years. I've met her in the UK trying to help her family even her family never asked her to. I see her a very hardworking person from the start. When she moved here, my income was not even enough to support her and I do not know anyone who can help us to sign the AOS for us. But do you know who helped us? My mother-in-law and she called too many people that she knew of. She got too many saying 'NO'. That was tough part for us. And finally an old friend of my mother-in-law has agreed to sign.

I felt so embarrassed to my wife and her family. They were supporting each other for me and my wife to be together. So I tried myself to get another job and failed. We were deciding to hold the process and thinking of me moving to UK instead. Afterwards, promotion was on my way and that increased my income within that year and enough to show the immigration that I can finally support her when she comes here.

Yes, that's their culture. You can say that is their obligation to do but when I see my wife, she kept saying that is family, helping one another. So, when she moved here in the USA. She got 2 jobs and earns more than me actually. We lived in the state where wages are too low. She also knows a lot of friends (from different state) here in the USA that she can be with to earn more but she always say, "I want you to move too!"

There was an emergency in my wife's family and she stayed back home for 3 months. Of course, that drained our savings and too many debts to pay! She still have her job though. Do you know who helped us along the way? Her family sent huge sum of money to pay most of it. Not even my family helped us to get through this. But my family were supportive in some ways though. Also, even most of my co-workers, my family and friends think bad of my wife. Who are they to judge her? They do not know her personally. It is ME, who knows her and what intentions does she have.

We always have our communication in the process of our marriage. No matter what culture you fall in, both spouses should do this. I am not here to judge your wife, but let her and you talk this matter seriously. Only you and her can actually fix this and keep your marriage in good shape. Only YOU who actually knows her.

I feel lucky and loved that my mother-in-law is our counselor and sometimes financial adviser. Take note, she is ASIAN and not RICH.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Penny Pincher

[EricAndOrn 30]

I have regularly supported my wife while we where apart. But after being here in the USA for 2 weeks she now wants me to keep sending money to support her family.

I have been following this thread, but refrained from giving advice, because there are too many unknowns.

True, it is customary in thailand to support the parents, but often marriage with a farang (westerner) turns into a jackpot for the entire extended family and is abused.

I don't know how well you communicate. Since you said she must learn English, her English doesn't seem to be very good and I certainly don't know how well you speak Thai. I know nothing about where she is from, family background, experience with foreigners and their customs, education level etc. etc. Therefore I can only generalize, and please, nobody should take offense at that.

Generally, Thais are not very educated and lack critical thinking. (Thanks to their awful school system), they are taught that Thailand is the best and is the center of the universe. Often they expect the foreigner to comply with thai customs and traditions, because it is the only thing they know and it's an absolute no brainer to them. Thais have very little experience with what happens outside their world, and often don't care. Because of this, thai and western couples must try to understand each other's culture and compromise. Too often, the thai party insists on everything being done the thai way, not realizing that there are other ways as well. To them, we are often viewed as being incredibly rich, not realizing how high our cost of living is. A typical low paying job (e.g. cashier at a 7-eleven) earns about 9000 baht / month, someone with a degree might earn 25 - 30000 baht per month. A minimum wage person in the US earns about 42000 baht per month. Thats a lot of money to them. They don't realize, that you can't get a one room apartment, with air conditioning, 100 channels of cable TV and internet access for 4000 baht per month in the US, that you can't go to the doctor for 30 baht, no meals on the street for 40 baht etc etc. Again, understanding each other's culture and situation is very important, and being able to communicate that is key.

I don't know how much sinsod (dowry) you paid. It's an old tradition and often not practiced anymore. Often during the engagement ceremony money is only shown (to impress the neighbors and friends), but the money is returned to you (after deduction of the cost of the party, to which the guests should have contributed a good amount). In my case, I did not pay any sinsod at all. I do support my mother-in-law with a modest 5000 baht per month, I will not support any other family members. My girl and I have agreed to build a new house for mom and grandma with an extra room for us to stay in when we visit. (cost about 1.5 million baht), but we agreed to both contribute towards this effort, so it is mostly up to her how fast this will happen as she will have to pay as well. (Never mind the issue of property ownership for foreigners in thailand. Whole different story there)

I could probably go on for hours rambling away on this topic, but lacking information I can not offer specific advice. There is a book (available on amazon) about thai-western relationships and the cultural differences. The pages on the left side of the book are in english and on the right side is the thai translation. This allows for both of you to read it easily and perhaps discuss the issues presented and find a solution, or at least get a start on working out the issues.

The name of the book is "Thailand Fever"

The authors webpage: http://thailandfever.com/

The link on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Thailand-Fever-Chris-Pirazzi/dp/1887521488/

If you send me a private message, I can send you a copy of the book very quickly.

I would like to help you in any way I can, feel free to contact me via private message if you would like to discuss your and my experiences in these matters in private.

Hope all works out in the end.

Eric

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

After only 2 weeks, this sounds like a scam. Has she used your computer? Check emails, texts, because I have a feeling you may find communication between her and another guy.

Support my family or I'm going to another city with my "friend" (read: the guy who I really came to the US for). Even if you support her family, there will be another reason why she has to go to another city.

Cut your losses now.