I want a divorce. What should I do?

[lonelygirl7 0]

I have thought about a lot of things, but no, I don't want to go back home. Why? I left all I had for him. I don't want to go back and feel like a loser. I left my country for him, and I know, it was not a wise move. But now that I am here, I will just deal with it.

Have you thought of going home, sounds like you do not have much of a life here.

[roseandtim 6]

I think azzein and others make a great points...encouraging him for marriage counseling is a great idea and if he doesn't want try to schedule one and get an appointment letter show you tried or attempted to get some help. Please don't just jump into any suggestion/s we give you here- nobody understands your situation and only you understand. You have roof over your head and food as well. I'd gather evidence gently without provoking the beast to anger.

[TedA 3]

If your relationship is without respect it is time to get another one. That may also include the one you are in. Kill the one you are in and start another one with the person you are married to. But if you can't find respect for each other then kill the relationship completely. You must have respect and thankfulness in a relationship.

I was divorced from a relationship without respect and I'm working on another one with a different person. I have been respectful and thankful and received respect and thankfulness in this new relationship with this new person.

My ex wife has been in a relationship with another man now for almost 2 years. The fight all the time and treat each other with disrespect and ugliness.

It may very well be that your current husband will always disrespect women, like my ex disrespects men.

My advice is to forget about procudures and the law and go to the heart of the matter. And then when you are 100% real and cannot continue any further just call a batter woman's shelter and go there and have them help you get connected to services and file for divorce or whatever. Protect yourself from physical harm and do not allow your husband to hurt you.

[Dohan 133]

if you have access to a computer you can apply for jobs, regardless of what he wants. Is he holding your documents hostage and you do not have your Work Permit? Do things for yourself. If you feel abused and do not feel safe, you can call the local shelter, the local abuse hotline. There is also this company who helps women who are victims of domestic violence move out : http://www.meatheadmovers.com/ There is no charge for victims of domestic violence

Next time he raises a hand at you, call the police. Run to the neighbors and call the police. If there is real abuse happening it should not be tolerated

[MissLacey 0]

Divorce him and deal with the consequences, if you have to return to your country so be it. No woman or man should ever have to endure abuse.

[brightfuture78 118]

There are many people in this thread who have been quick to judge on one side over the other. Maybe we shouldn't be judging at all but the OP encouraged it by laying out the details when she could have asked for how to proceed with the divorce process and left it at that. When you only get one side of the story, the person without representation usually looks like the bad guy. I'm not saying the OP is not justified or is being untruthful but I'm not going to take sides based only on half the tale.

To the OP: have you had an earnest/honest discussion with your husband about how he makes you feel? Have you expressed how important it is for you to work? Have you you talked to him without any tone of aggression or blame about your feelings? Have you let him express his feelings in return without immediately countering with a defensive argument?

By what you've wrote, it seems as if you are both very frustrated from different ends of the spectrum of this relationship. There needs to be a mutual understanding for each other's hardships and feelings. Once that's achieved, you may just be able to reach a compromise. There is a possibility that he too is hurt by some of your words or actions and thus reciprocates with hurtful words. Someone needs to take the highroad and break the cycle.

If you can honestly say that you've tried all of this and made the effort, then I fully sympathize with you and agree that divorce is probably the right choice. However, the notion that you might not be able to stay in the country shouldn't be what you use to measure success/failure. If you came here solely for the purpose of living with the person you loved, then how does the ability to stay in the country mitigate that failure by any measure?

[lonelygirl7 0]

Yeah, I understand it. I agree with you.
I know I am not an angel and I can improve my communication with him. But you know when you feel exhausted? I feel exhausted.
Every time we talk about something that bothers me, he says my argument isn't good enough. That I shouldn't feel a certain way. Who is he to tell me what I should feel or not? He isn't sympathetic. He also thinks he is right all the time, just because he is older. He says I should follow his rules. He is not so good as he claims. I feel suffocated.
I just don't feel good with him. He always makes me feel guilty and afraid of even telling him about what I think. I don't have a deep conversation with him. He is very sexist and he was accused of sexual assault in the past. He didn't tell me that. I found the papers. I don't know if he got convicted or not because I couldn't find it in there. I also do not know much about legal language. So his way of treating me is the way that he treats all the women: like an object.
He is just not a beautiful person at all. And just now I could see that.
He isn't the man I thought he would be. When I talk about divorce he gets violent and tells me he can make my life a living hell. How am I suppose to love and live with someone like that? And why does he want me to stay here with him, being miserable?
I have tried to express my feelings and he is the first one to judge me. I am just tired.
And to be truthful, I feel that if I go back home I will feel like a loser. I left everything I had for him. There is no reason to go back to where I came from. My reason to be here was he, but now I have to fight for myself.

There are many people in this thread who have been quick to judge on one side over the other. Maybe we shouldn't be judging at all but the OP encouraged it by laying out the details when she could have asked for how to proceed with the divorce process and left it at that. When you only get one side of the story, the person without representation usually looks like the bad guy. I'm not saying the OP is not justified or is being untruthful but I'm not going to take sides based only on half the tale.

To the OP: have you had an earnest/honest discussion with your husband about how he makes you feel? Have you expressed how important it is for you to work? Have you you talked to him without any tone of aggression or blame about your feelings? Have you let him express his feelings in return without immediately countering with a defensive argument?

By what you've wrote, it seems as if you are both very frustrated from different ends of the spectrum of this relationship. There needs to be a mutual understanding for each other's hardships and feelings. Once that's achieved, you may just be able to reach a compromise. There is a possibility that he too is hurt by some of your words or actions and thus reciprocates with hurtful words. Someone needs to take the highroad and break the cycle.

If you can honestly say that you've tried all of this and made the effort, then I fully sympathize with you and agree that divorce is probably the right choice. However, the notion that you might not be able to stay in the country shouldn't be what you use to measure success/failure. If you came here solely for the purpose of living with the person you loved, then how does the ability to stay in the country mitigate that failure by any measure?

[brightfuture78 118]

Yeah, I understand it. I agree with you.

I know I am not an angel and I can improve my communication with him. But you know when you feel exhausted? I feel exhausted.

Every time we talk about something that bothers me, he says my argument isn't good enough. That I shouldn't feel a certain way. Who is he to tell me what I should feel or not? He isn't sympathetic. He also thinks he is right all the time, just because he is older. He says I should follow his rules. He is not so good as he claims. I feel suffocated.

I just don't feel good with him. He always makes me feel guilty and afraid of even telling him about what I think. I don't have a deep conversation with him. He is very sexist and he was accused of sexual assault in the past. He didn't tell me that. I found the papers. I don't know if he got convicted or not because I couldn't find it in there. I also do not know much about legal language. So his way of treating me is the way that he treats all the women: like an object.

He is just not a beautiful person at all. And just now I could see that.

He isn't the man I thought he would be. When I talk about divorce he gets violent and tells me he can make my life a living hell. How am I suppose to love and live with someone like that? And why does he want me to stay here with him, being miserable?

I have tried to express my feelings and he is the first one to judge me. I am just tired.

And to be truthful, I feel that if I go back home I will feel like a loser. I left everything I had for him. There is no reason to go back to where I came from. My reason to be here was he, but now I have to fight for myself.

If what you say about him is true, then you are probably right to feel like the marriage was a mistake. I understand that you'd prefer not to go back home if you can help it, but you shouldn't gamble your safety or continue to live miserably for longer than you must. You say you have nothing to go back home to but what would you have to stay for after the divorce? I'm assuming you have family back home at the very least. Besides your marriage, do you otherwise enjoy being where you are?

In any case, it's not my place to tell you what should be important for you. If you feel like it is best for you to try to stay, then do as you feel. I wish you good luck.

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

You sound like you have a lot of authority in your statement than your initial post portrays.

You were asking if you should "make him..." do this " make him sign.." that and I'm thinking, how are you going "to make" an abusive aggressive horrible man (do.." things out of his own will.

When did all these behaviors start?

If you can "make him" do things why are not able to do things that you wanna do? Like getting a job, getting a driver's license (you could get a state ID, no need to know how to drive).

If you are done with the relationship then it is best to walk away. But if you wanna give it a chance, then channel your energy in building your life together.

Some times people will discourage you from doing things.Like applying for jobs, moving to a new place, etc because they are scared for you. You have to prove to yourself that you've got it and they will be confident in you also.

Your husband doesn't want you to work but you have access to computer, so what do you do with the opportunity? He may not be happy when you apply for a job, he might enough discourage you about getting an interview or even starting your first day but it is all up to you to stay focus and not listen to the chatter. He will believe in your strength when you sail through.

Good luck to you.

[Ontarkie 14,440]

~~Thread reopened, Many post removed and those quoting. Do not go off topic in this thread again. Keep all judgmental comments to yourself and stick to answering the questions asked or do not post. Any violations will result in administrative action.~~

Edited March 1, 2016 by Ontarkie

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

What I don't understand is that if he's so bad and controling, why are you willing to put up with him longer? Just to get your 10 year greencard?

It looks like you arae more concerned with immigration status than your own well-being.

[TBoneTX 46,067]

The OP hasn't logged on to VJ since March 1.