How are you getting around the mothers day issue?

[MichelleandCraig 1]

From the time I was about 10 yrs old, I remember visiting N. Carolina (western)every year for about 8 years...for a week or twoin the summers. (My Dad's aunt) We would usually get over to Winston-Salem while we were there too, but we spent most of our time in the western part....this tiny town called Vale....(near Morganton/Lincolnton) but it's SUCH a beautiful area of the country..you're lucky tolive there! M.

[ajames79 0]

From the time I was about 10 yrs old, I remember visiting N. Carolina (western)every year for about 8 years...for a week or twoin the summers. (My Dad's aunt) We would usually get over to Winston-Salem while we were there too, but we spent most of our time in the western part....this tiny town called Vale....(near Morganton/Lincolnton) but it's SUCH a beautiful area of the country..you're lucky tolive there! M.

I know Vale too.

Went to college near there as well!

It is quite lovely here.

I am happy..miss sushi in a good resturant. But I can live without it.

I'll tell you what, I get up and go to work by 7...Driving to work when the sun is just coming up over the mountains especially in the spring time is simply amazing!

And to bring it around to the topic...my mother lives in NC as well and will be celebrating the US holiday. My English mother in law will next year recieve a gift from us for the british holiday.

HOWEVER someone else will have to remind me because I don't remember ANYTHING.

SO I leave it in the hands of YOU my VJ friends to remind me next year of said holiday! Thanks!

[tmma 467]

I realize this might sound horrible, but my first thought upon reading this topic with our situation was 'His mother doesn't deserve anything anyway.'

How can you possibly say this? Does she deserve nothing for at least bringing the man you love in to this world and raising him to adulthood; capeable and confident to make the choice to start a new life in another country......? She may not be handling the immigration process well-true-but try and see her point of view. She MUST be hurt and from your description of all this is sounds like she has mostly tried to slow or stop the actual logistics of him moving than personal attacks on you. Your fiance is still coming here and you will have a life together, so why not just try and be the bigger person and ignore her...after all she is HIS mother, let him deal with the fall out of him moving and comfort her...It's just your place to support your fiance, during his life changing move. Not join forces against his mother.

I won't go into total details here, but regarding her not 'personally attacking' me, it's quite the opposite. She's tried to break us up several times. Going through my personal belongings when she originally invited me into her home (yes, she actually broke into my luggage and went through it, including a notepad I kept with old notes which she then twisted *completely* around, lying to my fiance saying I was cheating on him), and everything else under the sun. This has been personal from the very start with her. The 'slowing the logistics' of him moving here has merely been one more last ditch attempt to derail our relationship. Par for the course.

I have tried to be the bigger person the entire time with her, I have sent her letters (long, handwritten, genuine) apologizing for what she interpreted as 'rude' behavior my first trip (which was nothing of the sort, it was her standard 'find something to complain about and blow it out of proportion'-- her complaint of rudeness was because I was shy and didn't talk a lot!), trying to mend the relationship. She sent me a nasty, spiteful, hate filled one back telling me that I don't deserve her son and that I was never welcome in their home again, and that I was 'luring him into bed', among other things.

She abandoned all chances of being adult then, so since then I have been generally avoiding her. Which, again, she feels is me being rude, when it's really me trying to maintain some level of civility with my FMIL. She will try to do little things to spark it off again, though, whenever she would be given the chance.

She IS his mother, and it is up to him how he deals with her during this, but my point remains that he shouldn't be having to deal with a fall out period from her. She is raising spite in him, and that is not the man who I know and love. He is not spiteful. So no, at this point in time, I am not fond of the example she is setting as his mother. Whereas I don't expect her to pack his bags for him and shove him out the door with a smile, she is being bitter towards him, when she should be enjoying her 'last days' with him. I am doing my best to support him and tell him I will help him through this transition, but if his mum is allowed to rant to friends, and Adam is, does that mean I am not? I feel it's better served here than telling Adam it all and making him stress over it.

I don't appreciate the idea that I am 'joining forces' against her, either. Neither of us are against her. We're just done with trying to bend over backwards for her. I'm done making this easy for her-- I'm going to get what my fiance needs done. She refuses to support him in the slightest in regards to this relationship, so I don't see a need to return the favor. As per usual, the ball is in her court.

Be the bigger person, buy a card and thank her for having such a wonderful man who is willing to move half way around the world for you

Again, as I said, I've tried that, even in the beginning before things got rough. Thanking her for bringing such a great guy into the world, apologizing for anything she may have thought I did wrong... Throwing my humility aside and telling her I didn't want her to be angry with me (even though at that point I was still completely lost as to WHY she hated me). She returned it with a spiteful, nasty letter, informing me what a horrible person I was. That's putting it nicely. I imagine the card I would receive back this time would say I was rubbing my 'stealing' her son in her face, among other choice 'go to hell you #######'-s.

She'll still get a mothers day card, again, as I've said, but it's a damn shame that we have to be sending her a card on a certain date as a precautionary measure, so that she doesn't blow a gasket on how this is all my fault and how I have ruined her life, versus a heartfelt 'Love ya, mum! You're the best!'.

I don't expect you all to know the whole situation, but it's not as simple as some of you think it is, I'll leave it at that. Feel I'm a horrible person if you must, but not all mums/mils are created equal.

I wish we could send her flowers. His mum's specifically told me she hates having flowers sent. Choccies/Sweets/Cookies/Etc, too. What else can you order and have sent as a gift easily?

Jezebelseven, I didn't call you a horrible person; nothing like that at all. I can empathize somewhat, really I can...This is an impossible situation and it is a shame that she does not seem able to put her son's feelings ahead of her own-and there appears to be no apparant reason for her underhanded actions. Like I said before-I do empathize

I do agree that she is NOT drawing her son closer to her at all and it seems to be obvious what her intended outcome is.....just make sure that does not happen and smother the situation with kindness ( I bet that's the last thing you feel like doing). But if your fiance is getting it in the neck over there then at least be a comforting ear here. You know?

All I can say is TRY and get through it-walk the line-do what you have to-and hopefully time ( and alot of patience) will solve this.