K1 Breakups and Successes

[kmids 10]

So I suppose this question is more about long distance relationships.

If you were applying for a K1 and found out things didn't work, why?

If you were applying for a K1 and things worked great, why do you think that happened?

What do you think are key things to address, as a couple, before marriage and/or this process?

[Unidentified 2,930]

Spend a lot of time together. Not just one visit. I see soooo many couples here on VJ split up months or maybe a 1 year after getting married because they didn't spend enough time with each other before taking the big step of K1 and now they are realizing who they really married. Most of them say "well we skyped everyday..." that's not the same thing. People will act differently online and you won't be able to really tell once you actually start spending time (and not just a few days) with them.

I was super lucky to be living here while I met my husband and we were able to live under the same roof before doing the K1 so we could see how living together would be. Not many couples here have that luxury but unfortunately it seems that the people who only spent 1 visit with each other are slightly less likely to succeed. I could be wrong but lately there's been a lot of break ups here on VJ and lack of time spent together before marriage seems to be a common reason.

[cloud in the sky 0]

It was nice to hear that you've met your soulmate and I'm happy for both of you. Yeah, it's true there are a lot of couples here in VJ who did not succeed and I'm saying it in behalf of my sister. I join here to seek answers to help my sister who is married to a divorced american U.S. citizen guy with 2 kids. My sister was now living in Missouri for 3 years together with her 3 kids. My sister met her husband thru online dating site and they started communicating there.She wanted to get to know him well so they started talking on the phone and yahoo messenger and sometimes thru Skype. Right from the start my sister was very honest to tell the guy that she has 2 kids from previous relationship but she was never been married to the father of her 2 kids. The american guy also has 2 kids from previous marriage. They started getting to know with each other. My sister told him that she wanted a guy who would accept whole heartedly her 2 kids and love them no matter what. The american guy was serious about my sister and he told my sister that he accepts her kids and wanted to marry her and live with him in U.S. My sister was very happy about it. The american guy filed a K1 visa and eventually my sister passed all the requirements and granted a K1 visa. She went to U.S. on october 5,2013. They got married on october 22,2013. And then her husband filed for K2 visa for her 2 kids on 2014. My sister's kids was granted with K2 visa on June 2, 2014. My sister went back here in the Philippines on june 10,2014 to fetch her 2 kids to live with her in the U.S.. My sister now has a 2 year old daughter with the american guy. My brother in law is working in an oil rig in alaska and he works for 2 weeks there and had a 2 weeks off from work. He had that 2 weeks off from work because of his custodyof his 2 kids from previous marriage. He shared the custody of his kids as well as child support. During his day off from work his kids live with them. My sister has no problem about it eventhough she feels that his kids doesnt like her as their stepmom. My sister accepted his kids and treat them as her own kids. In the beginning her own kids and her step kids was getting along well. They were playmates and she sees her own kids was very happy having step brothers. Their marriage was happy also and even happier when their daughter was born on october 2013. But after 3 months after their daughter was born, his attitude change. He gets angry easily, he always yells at my sisters kids without doing anything wrong. So they fight sometimes. Yell with each other. My sister was forgiving and patient with her husband because she wanted to keep their marriage. She understand his husband because of all the bills his paying like loans for payment of their house,child support,credit cards,electric bills,etc. Their arguments was resolve. Then she asked for money for the application of adjustment of status of her 2 kids because their K2 visa was already expired. That again started their fight upto now because her husband doesnt to file for the AOS of my sisters kids. My sister already filed for her green card(permanent resident visa) and still waiting for it. She's already done with her biometrics and awaits her gc. What must my sister do about it? My sister only receives $200 allowances for 2 weeks every time her husband leaves for work. Her own kids wasn't treated very well by her husband. They can't even watch tv.

[NikLR 13,227]

I agree that time spent together is best but sometimes people can be very honest about who they are.

Also it's important even if you aren't together to discuss things that married couples must. Like the AOS and the K1's inability to work right away. You need to discuss finances, who pays for what and where is money saved? Are both partners going to need to work or not? Will shopping consist of high end or thrift stores? Does that matter to either person? (Yes this can totally be an issue!) You need to discuss intimacy and your needs vs their needs? Do you want sex every night? Are they happy with once a month? Are you even compatible in that area?

Couples should also discuss living arrangements, and everyday items like cleaning, laundry, decorating, etc... Where will you live? Do you realize you may not get along with in-laws so living with them, despite saving money, may not be the best idea? I got along with my ex decently well, but I really disliked his family more often than not. It was an issue obviously and living with them even on trips was not fun. As for cleaning well, my husband doesn't clean as much as I do, and that isn't nearly as much as some people. I know people that mop their floors every day and wash everything from top to bottom. If he was more of a mess than he is, that would get on my nerves, and if I cleaned anymore he'd be annoyed. You can't have a loving relationship when you're always annoyed at how someone lives. Who cooks? Who cleans up?

How you spend your free time when you're not on skype matters as well. Do you like to go out and do things or are you already a homebody? You need to be compatible and to understand what you're getting into. People gush about being in love and don't understand that being in love doesn't mean you're always going to swoon at the sight of your partner and maybe their dirty socks on the floor everyday will eventually annoy you. If they never want to go out and eat or they insist that McDonalds is a great date night and you'd rather be at a fancy restaurant, then perhaps this relationship isn't going to work if both people can't compromise or collaborate. Yes both.... because one person always compromising isn't going to work. Yes, you can work around many things when people are willing to change, but you cannot expect anyone to change. Even if they do, we naturally revert to who we just naturally are as people.

If you do your own thing do they get jealous or angry? If you have friends of the opposite sex do they get jealous or angry? Do you argue the same way? Do you show love in a way that matters to your partner and if not, can you learn to show them love in a way that they understand? (the 5 love languages is a great book for learning to communicate love to your partner in a way they understand it, and also to understand how you like to be loved. I totally recommend it.)

Above all you need to communicate. If you have issues communicating your wants and needs over skype, you will have issues IRL. You should be able to tell your partner anything. You should be their rock and they should be yours. That doesn't mean you need them all the time to be happy (you have to make yourself happy too) but you both should feel you can depend on each other in the hard times to be supportive, understanding, loyal, and loving. Marriage isn't about the good times, it's about surviving the bad ones. Everyone has a breaking point (and should) of course. Will your partner be there, willing to do whatever is necessary to get back to the good times or will they decide this is also their breaking point? It happens. Good marriages have issues. Good marriages can even end because the people in them cannot get over their issues. But if you're wiling and they are willing, it's possible to keep it going for a long time.

Edited January 10, 2016 by NLR

[cloud in the sky 0]

Yeah I agree there's no perfect marriage. Being married to a guy , you must accepts his flaws. But my sister wanted to save her marriage but because of what her husband is showing she wants to give up anymore! What to do if you feel like living together only for the sake of your daughter.

[NikLR 13,227]

Never stay in an unhappy marriage because of children. If you can figure out how to be roommates then that is doable. But if you cannot work it out, fight all the time, and are totally unhappy, your children will also be unhappy. Often they feel that their parents unhappiness with their marital relationship is the child's fault. It's better to be separated, friendly co-parents than angry spouses.

[cloud in the sky 0]

Never stay in an unhappy marriage because of children. If you can figure out how to be roommates then that is doable. But if you cannot work it out, fight all the time, and are totally unhappy, your children will also be unhappy. Often they feel that their parents unhappiness with their marital relationship is the child's fault. It's better to be separated, friendly co-parents than angry spouses.

If my sister will move out of their marriage and she will take with her their 2 year old to live in Philippines, her husband won't support their daughter. what she will do if her husband won't agree on the child support?Her husband wanted her 2 other kids to move out of the house coz he can't accept them until now.

[cloud in the sky 0]

Never stay in an unhappy marriage because of children. If you can figure out how to be roommates then that is doable. But if you cannot work it out, fight all the time, and are totally unhappy, your children will also be unhappy. Often they feel that their parents unhappiness with their marital relationship is the child's fault. It's better to be separated, friendly co-parents than angry spouses.

Thanx for reading my posts. My sister message me a while ago that she's already fed up with the attitude of her husband. She felt that the only reason why their marriage is still going on its because of their 2 year old daughter. That's the only thing that binds them together to stay as couple. Her stepsons are very rude to her and she don't know why and she hates that because all she do is be nice to them. They always argue about my sisters 2 other kids. her husband wants them out of their lives which my sister will not allow because she loves her 2 other kids. My sister only wants what is good for them that she taught she already had found in the life she had right now but she's frustrated. She taught she already found the guy who will love her kids and accept them but she's disappointed. My sister wants to move out of their home but she doesn't have money. Al she has was $200 for 2 weeks allowances which I knew is not enough for them specially that she has 3 kids. She can't work because none will took care of her kids. My sister once asked her husband "when will you file my kids AOS application?" and her husband anwered "I'm not damned to pay for your kids application". Which made my sister mad at him and told him"you promise you're going to process their application". She felt cheated at that time and then she asked "what are you going to do about it now?" and her husband answered "I'm going to shoot you and your kids and bury you and your kids alive". My sister was shocked by the response of her husband and made him panic and afraid thats why she called 911 for her. The police came at their house and help them move out in a hotel for a while with no money at all. She called us here in the Philippines about that incident and we were crying because my sister was helpless and noone to run to. I pity my sister but still she forgive her husband and gave her another chance to fix their marriage. Her husband promise her that she will change. Which made us mad about the decisions she make that she gave another chance to that guy. We can't blame here because only she wanted was a complete family. That's the first major fights they had. My sister and her 3 kids wanted to go back here in the Philippines on May after she receives her green card.She wants to leave her husband but her husband only allows my sister's 2 other kids to never returned to US. Which made my sister disappointed. She's planning to leave her 2 year old daughter together with her 2 other kids to live with us here in La Union. But her husband will never allow their 2 year old daughter to stay here. Her husband told him that if ever my sister do that, she will never give money to their daughter for her support. My sister is really confused now on what to do about it. She wanted to leave her 3 kids here then go back to US to live and find a job for her 3 kids so that she can support them because our parents are already old and retired and we're only depending on their pensions which is not enough to help her kids. It comes to a point that we even send her money to support them because her husband wont give her money and sometimes her husband doesn't have money because of online gambling. She has noone to approach help in their area. There are Filipinos there but they don't offer their help. My sister wants divorce but she don't know what to do. How come you already got your gc maybe you filed earlier?my sister filed last october 2015. All my sister want was her kids to live with her and have a good life in US but it wont happen anymore. I hope anyone can help her there. I hope someone will let them lend their homes for them because she wants to move out of their house because of how her husband is treating her.

[NikLR 13,227]

She cannot take her US citizen child out of the country without his consent or a passport (which requires his consent.)

As for the rest, that requires an attorney, which I am not, and marriage counselling, which I do not do either.

[clairegie 265]

I would've loved to spend more facetime with my husband (fiance then) but being in the military, he was not allowed to go on leave much. They thought the Philippines was too unsafe for him. Anyway, I totally agree with NLR. What made it work was that we communicated well, not just with i love you's but also in talking about past the wedding, the actual marriage. We talked about plans about kids, work, living situation, etc. We were upfront about what we expected from each other and we met halfway. Cultural differences could be deal breakers if not tackled or discussed, as I've seen on this site.

Also, even though I only met him online, we have been friends for 3 years before we became a couple. Knowing him that much built a good foundation of trust. I am a firm believer that you need to be friends before lovers. We didn't give each other any reason to doubt one another. We talked everyday and even sleep with cameras on. When it came to arguments, we slowly learned how to respect how each one likes to deal with an argument. I like to walk away and calm down, he likes to talk immediately. He learned to give me my space and I learned to be more vocal since he's not a mind reader Another thing is although we talk everyday, we still encouraged each other to stay in contact with friends, to still go out, and to have our Me-time. We didn't want to lose our individuality.

Last thing that I learned is that we shouldn't try to change each other, but learn to grow together and adjust.

[cloud in the sky 0]

She cannot take her US citizen child out of the country without his consent or a passport (which requires his consent.)

As for the rest, that requires an attorney, which I am not, and marriage counselling, which I do not do either.

Oh ok. thank you very much for the information. God bless!

[cloud in the sky 0]

I would've loved to spend more facetime with my husband (fiance then) but being in the military, he was not allowed to go on leave much. They thought the Philippines was too unsafe for him. Anyway, I totally agree with NLR. What made it work was that we communicated well, not just with i love you's but also in talking about past the wedding, the actual marriage. We talked about plans about kids, work, living situation, etc. We were upfront about what we expected from each other and we met halfway. Cultural differences could be deal breakers if not tackled or discussed, as I've seen on this site.

Also, even though I only met him online, we have been friends for 3 years before we became a couple. Knowing him that much built a good foundation of trust. I am a firm believer that you need to be friends before lovers. We didn't give each other any reason to doubt one another. We talked everyday and even sleep with cameras on. When it came to arguments, we slowly learned how to respect how each one likes to deal with an argument. I like to walk away and calm down, he likes to talk immediately. He learned to give me my space and I learned to be more vocal since he's not a mind reader Another thing is although we talk everyday, we still encouraged each other to stay in contact with friends, to still go out, and to have our Me-time. We didn't want to lose our individuality.

Last thing that I learned is that we shouldn't try to change each other, but learn to grow together and adjust.

I'm so happy for you and you deserve to be happy. Yeah, its true that you should need to get to know each other first because friendship is the foundation of long lasting relationships. We shouldn't jump into a relationship right away just because you're attracted to each other. Too bad my sister wasn't lucky at all. She was fooled and she fall into trap. That's life, there's ups and downs. There's no such thing called perfect marriage. wish you all the best!

[Ash.1101 1,756]

Granted my fiance and I are not married yet, that's next month but..

We waited until we knew we were ready just to even propose and do the visa. We started dating March 20th, 2013, almost three years of dating in a couple of months. We both agree'd that we wanted to date a while, we "knew" we wanted to get married, but we needed that 100% and the "we're ready to take the step" feel.

We got engaged in Nov of 2014, but didn't file for the visa until April 2015, on his last visit.

One of the reasons we wanted to make sure that we were ready is because I have a special needs daughter and at the end of the day, our relationship together is just as important as our relationship as a family. It's a large adjustment for everyone, and not something I would EVER want someone to just jump into.

I also believe that communication is 100% to success in a long distance relationship turned live in fiance/husband/wife. A lot of K1's fail because they don't talk about core values, and then are shocked when the partner has different views on something that they won't bend on at all. We talked about things like finances, work ethic, general living, our goals for us, each other personally, my daughter, and the small steps to take to get there before we even got engaged. There are minor things we disagree on, as there will be in every relationship, but the big things, finances, religion, work ethic, family values, etc, we're all on the same page.

We talked about each others pasts, made sure to keep in the present, and know where we are headed in the future, and have an idea how to get there and the steps we need to take to do so.


We spent enough time as friends, and then in dating, to where we also didn't run into the issue of "surprises", like the person acting differently and things like that.

Also, one thing we did make sure to do, is we never stopped talking to each other out of anger. There was ONE time within the first couple of months of dating, where my fiance basically wanted to just not speak at all because he was mad about something. After not talking to me for a while and me getting upset, as communication is the only real connection you have in an LDR, we both promised that if we were EVER upset about anything we would talk about it and talk it out. We may not agree, but we at least should get both our feelings and sides out and agree to disagree and/or at least understand why the other feels in what ever way, and then not let that get in the way of us talking. Ever since that one time, there was never again a "I'll just talk to you later" or "I'm going to go offline for a while" or anything of that sort.

We had been friends since 2010, dating 2013, engaged 2014, visa application 2015, married 2016.

Edited January 21, 2016 by Ash.1101