84 days in and we called it quits an hour before our wedding

[Darnell 8,479]

OP - ya dodged a bullet. If she still wants to get married and you two work out yer differences, well, there's an immigration path.

If'n you marry after the 90 day window the K-1 dictates,

then to adjust status, get a greencard, the two of you will file an I-130 + I-485. Once the greencard is approved, any overstay is forgiven.

If you two aren't to get married, well, hey - girden yer loins and dig in with that new job, live cheap in Oakland in a room rental for a year, save yer monies.

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

Staying on topic as requested by moderator, I want to say that fiancee of OP going home doesn't mean they have to break all of the connections and forget about each other. I've heard about cases when the same couple didn't get married within 90 days and later they applied again for K1 visa after figuring out all of the problems. OP and his fiancee can try to talk about finances and other things again when they will be back in their homecountries and see if it can be resolved. If they will resolve the problem, nothing stops them from re-applying. And if these issues are a dealbreaker, it's way better to split up rather than get married to a person who doesn't share your values and have miserable life or go through a divorse.

I agree that K1 visa is not a test drive and never meant to be. Someone has to give up almost everything in their fatherland and come to another country to start life almost from scratch - it's not easy and it's even harder to turn it around and go back to your fatherland trying to fix all broken connections (place to live, job etc.). You may apply for this visa when you're still figuring out things, in our case we had to wait for over half year between NOA1 and NOA2 - plenty of time to discuss at least main aspects of our future life how we both see it. If it doesn't work out in the worst case you lose money you paid to USCIS, K1 petition can be cancelled at any time with no consequences. But by the time foreign fiance(e) going to the interview you must be sure you want to marry each other and have a solid mutual plan how you want it to go. By this time you really need to try to live together for a while or at least have a few visits. Me and Amy spent 6 weeks together before applying for K1 (we both planned time off work, I used all my PTO for the year and 2 weeks of non-paid leave) and we wanted it to go like in married life with all pros and cons so we didn't just rent a hotel room with meals provided and had fun, we spent these weeks in the apartment on our own sharing chores and fun, and observing each other's domestic habits. Who is going to cook and is at least one of us can cook good? Who is going to clean? What about laundry? Time for a grocery shopping - how that will go? We want to go somewhere but have limited budget, can we still have fun for cheap cutting some expences? We both got really sick for a few days after drinking juice from street kiosk (wasn't planned, lol) - how will we both handle that? These 6 weeks really helped us to figure out little everyday things that can roll up into a big snowball and become a dealbreaker after a while. I don't quite understand how some couples who spent one week on an "all-inclusive" resort in 3rd country together applying for K1 and getting married right away. I think it's too risky.

- Victor from Russia

Edited January 11, 2016 by Amy_and_Victor

[wrestling289 7]

Hey guys, I really appreciate all the advice I have been given on this forum. If it wasn't for this forum I would feel completely isolated. I have been incredibly busy with work and I wish I could respond to every comment but it is not possible. Here is a status update:

After our plans to get married on Friday ended, we have been talking about the granular details of our finances. She currently has no money, and the plan is for her to contribute a part of her earnings when she is capable of working. Despite the fact that she has a masters degree in translation, she does not desire having a career. She wants to teach dance and possibly tutor students on the side, which is the same thing she did back in Ukraine. I am hoping that she decides to become a teacher. Regardless of her work, we decided that if she makes $2,000 a month, she would contribute $500 or 25% towards household expenses. She is also adamant about sending home $300-$400 a month to her parents back in Ukraine.

I can live with her contributing 25% of her future income, but I don't know how I feel about her sending home $300-$400 a month to her parents (which seems to be generous amount for Ukraine). Does this seem reasonable?

The whole process is very tough on me financially because I pay for everything and regularly send money to her parents. It is very stressful to imagine that we are going to be responsible for supporting her parents. In addition she wants them to move to the US in a few years and they will be unable to work here. It is just so much to grasp... Can someone give me some inspiration?

[2far 185]

I think it's great that you two are communicating and she's being honest about what she expects in the future! Then it's up to you to decide if that is something you want to sign up for.

I have no idea about the amount of money for the Ukraine. So, if she isn't working, does that mean that you pay the 300-400 a month?

In our situation, we do not send money back on a regular basis, but do contribute for holidays, special occasions, and when we want to do something nice.

We decided that we are more than willing to host family members for visits up to several months. But we would never sponsor family to move here. It's just too much of a responsibility for either of us to handle.

[aaa2zzz 27]

I think her sending that amount every month to her parents if she works is reasonable and actually good that she cares about her parents. But, if you cannot afford it, before she starts to work, in my opinion its better not to use those words Better to say I don't want to.

This I know from long experience with Ukrainians. Avoid the argument about what you can afford and looking "selfish" and "stingy" Ukrainian women complain most of all about Americans being stingy because we plan and save for the future.

If you can live with her contributing 25% you can give it a try I guess.

In my opinion it is very unlikely she will make that much money.

She really is too young to be set in her ways and she could change one way or the other

her parents coming..soonest she could do this is 4 years

3 years for her to be a citizen then she can file I-130 for them

one year to bring them

you would be filing the AOS meaning if they went on welfare or something you could get dinged for it.. not likely though, I have never heard of the government enforcing that provision of the AOS.

Its not so much the monetary support, it is having mother in law nearby. can be good or bad depending on what she is like.

You are looking at the way women used to be in the USA long ago, good and bad about it. you probably will not be permitted to wash the dishes.. depends what you want

[Lee&Ana 88]

"The whole process is very tough on me financially because I pay for everything and regularly send money to her parents. It is very stressful to imagine that we are going to be responsible for supporting her parents. In addition she wants them to move to the US in a few years and they will be unable to work here. It is just so much to grasp... Can someone give me some inspiration?"

This, posted by the OP, is what I was referring to in my earlier posts. I have been in the same position as you for the last year and a half. Don't get me wrong, my wife is well worth it, but it is difficult for one person carrying the weight. My wife can't wait to work and we are waiting on her EAD. She is fighting boredom and I do the best that I can to make our home like the Philippines. I pay for my wife's younger sister to go to college in addition to everything, but it is satisfying knowing that I am giving my sister in law a future that she would not have normally. You have to focus on what your fiancé does that makes you happy and don't focus on the money.

[Boiler 45,913]

Looks like you are setting yourself up for failure.

Let is say she was from Vermont instead of Ukraine, would this be OK with you?

[Merrytooth 5,748]

Looks like you are setting yourself up for failure.

Let is say she was from Vermont instead of Ukraine, would this be OK with you?

If this is an Amercian woman, she will be immediately branded as unrealistic, demanding, high expectations selfish b***

[QueenComley 295]

I never quite understand the whole "she pays 25%, I pay 75%" scenario. If you were to share a joint bank account, and both of you were to have your pay checks deposited into this bank account, then all the bills that are paid out of that bank account mean you are both contributing 50/50. Maybe im old fashioned LOL!

[wrestling289 7]

I never quite understand the whole "she pays 25%, I pay 75%" scenario. If you were to share a joint bank account, and both of you were to have your pay checks deposited into this bank account, then all the bills that are paid out of that bank account mean you are both contributing 50/50. Maybe im old fashioned LOL!

I wish she would be willing to share a bank account, but she is unwilling. She says I am being greedy and want all her money. She says in Ukraine the men pay for everything and I am lucky if she will help with anything financially.

I know this sounds terrible, but she is not a gold digger. She just has this old fashioned Ukrainian way of thinking, and I have the American old fashion way of thinking - we build together.

[wrestling289 7]

"The whole process is very tough on me financially because I pay for everything and regularly send money to her parents. It is very stressful to imagine that we are going to be responsible for supporting her parents. In addition she wants them to move to the US in a few years and they will be unable to work here. It is just so much to grasp... Can someone give me some inspiration?"

This, posted by the OP, is what I was referring to in my earlier posts. I have been in the same position as you for the last year and a half. Don't get me wrong, my wife is well worth it, but it is difficult for one person carrying the weight. My wife can't wait to work and we are waiting on her EAD. She is fighting boredom and I do the best that I can to make our home like the Philippines. I pay for my wife's younger sister to go to college in addition to everything, but it is satisfying knowing that I am giving my sister in law a future that she would not have normally. You have to focus on what your fiancé does that makes you happy and don't focus on the money.

Thanks for the info, Lee. I do focus on what she does that makes me happy. That is the only way to not become depressed whenever my hard earned money is withdrawn from the bank...

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I differ with some of the new opinions you've received. The 25/75 split is a start in the right direction. I think if most people on this forum were honest, you'd find that sending $400/month back to her home country for her parents is not an unusual amount. Also, having a wife or fiance arrive in the US and promptly decide she doesn't like her old profession is not unique. It's not even unique to International relationships. I have 2 good friends at work who married American women (both from Texas, haha) and they immediately abandoned their good paying professional careers upon marriage. It happens. Personally, I don't understand the dichotomy that some in this thread are making about American women. I've seen all kinds. Women who work their tails off. Women who change their mind. Women who stop work altogether, forever.

But one fact you can count on is that an International relationship will be expensive, and almost always more expensive than a domestic one. If you really love, trust and respect your fiance, then make her a partner in your finances. Add her to your accounts. Sit down and do line by line budgeting with her. Show her how much money the two of you can afford for all of the things you need. But also, don't hide anything from her. If you have $100k in savings, show that to her and work with her on what goals you should have in regards to that savings. I thought about having a pre-nup before my marriage. I have $200k in savings and another asset that currently pays out about $2,000 every few years but could be worth a considerable amount in the future. In the end, I rejected the pre-nup. I didn't see how I could gain her trust if some of my wealth was held outside of our relationship.

In my view, your love for her and the degree of that love is what's most important right now. I'm not sure if you're a golfer but I gave my wife a mulligan on everything she said to me in the first 90 days that she was here. She was soooo unhappy, homesick and ready to call it quits. She said some not so nice things to me. But it's forgiven and most forgotten. Now, 6 months in, things are going so much better. In my opinion, if you really, truly love and trust her, then the money thing will work itself out.

As for the Ukraine stereotypes that some are pushing here, I'd be wary of accepting these descriptions. One, they're stereotypes - ugh. Two, you don't know these people who are making these stereotypes at all. For the record, I've known two Ukrainian women. One almost married a US man and emigrated but decided against it. She's happily married to a Ukrainian man now. The other one emigrated to the US, opened her own restaurant and loves it here, working 12 hour days, 6 days a week. Not sure how either one of those fit into the stereotypes presented in this forum.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Russ&Caro

[wrestling289 7]

I apologize if this sounds rude, that's not my intention, but this situation is a whole lot more than you bargained for, and you know it. You want to marry her but it looks like you're marrying her entire family. You sound extremely generous but how long do you think you can keep up supporting everybody? Life is full of ups and downs and what if one day you can't provide for everybody? Will your wife understand and accept it? Or will that spiral your relationship downward?

In some cultures, it's very normal for several family members to live together or close to each other. But in America, that is not always the case. The fact that you're even mentioning about her parents moving to the US, tells us that you're not comfortable with this. How will you be dealing with having them forever next to you?

It does not sound rude at all. You are right. At the age of 25, I don't know what I can handle and what I can't. I have a great education and my options were limitless before. Now I am giving up almost everything for love.

She says if I ever need her help financially because I get sick or injured she will be there. I really don't know... If a mans only job is to provide in her culture, what is a mans worth without his financial stability? The best way I can put it is Ukrainian women need Daddy's more than they need partners.

Lastly, she wants her parents to move here but she refuses to ever live with her parents. She wants them to have their own apartment on our dime... Which is most likely my dime. So if they are willing to stay in the Ukraine and I only pay $300 a month I will luck out.

[wrestling289 7]

I differ with some of the new opinions you've received. The 25/75 split is a start in the right direction. I think if most people on this forum were honest, you'd find that sending $400/month back to her home country for her parents is not an unusual amount. Also, having a wife or fiance arrive in the US and promptly decide she doesn't like her old profession is not unique. It's not even unique to International relationships. I have 2 good friends at work who married American women (both from Texas, haha) and they immediately abandoned their good paying professional careers upon marriage. It happens. Personally, I don't understand the dichotomy that some in this thread are making about American women. I've seen all kinds. Women who work their tails off. Women who change their mind. Women who stop work altogether, forever.

But one fact you can count on is that an International relationship will be expensive, and almost always more expensive than a domestic one. If you really love, trust and respect your fiance, then make her a partner in your finances. Add her to your accounts. Sit down and do line by line budgeting with her. Show her how much money the two of you can afford for all of the things you need. But also, don't hide anything from her. If you have $100k in savings, show that to her and work with her on what goals you should have in regards to that savings. I thought about having a pre-nup before my marriage. I have $200k in savings and another asset that currently pays out about $2,000 every few years but could be worth a considerable amount in the future. In the end, I rejected the pre-nup. I didn't see how I could gain her trust if some of my wealth was held outside of our relationship.

In my view, your love for her and the degree of that love is what's most important right now. I'm not sure if you're a golfer but I gave my wife a mulligan on everything she said to me in the first 90 days that she was here. She was soooo unhappy, homesick and ready to call it quits. She said some not so nice things to me. But it's forgiven and most forgotten. Now, 6 months in, things are going so much better. In my opinion, if you really, truly love and trust her, then the money thing will work itself out.

As for the Ukraine stereotypes that some are pushing here, I'd be wary of accepting these descriptions. One, they're stereotypes - ugh. Two, you don't know these people who are making these stereotypes at all. For the record, I've known two Ukrainian women. One almost married a US man and emigrated but decided against it. She's happily married to a Ukrainian man now. The other one emigrated to the US, opened her own restaurant and loves it here, working 12 hour days, 6 days a week. Not sure how either one of those fit into the stereotypes presented in this forum.

Thanks for your advice Russ. I agree, the 25/75 split is a start in the right direction. I have one question for you. If you were 25 again and you put yourself in my shoes - do you think you would be as successful as you are now if had such love and responsibility at 25?

I am just curious.. I have a lot of goals in life and I want to still be able to pursue my personal and professional goals without constraint. And of course, I still want to travel the world..

Edited January 12, 2016 by wrestling289

[Sandra G. 5,057]

Make plans to move on to a bigger house and to get a second job because when she becomes a US Citizen her parents will live in your house, and they probably won't work.