84 days in and we called it quits an hour before our wedding

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Why oh why was the financial part not discussed before petitioning her ?
People think everything will just fall into place as long as there is have love. Not so.

Perhaps she is scared to death things won't work out and she needs to have some savings to get back home in case things do not work out.
Her resistance to contribute is one thing but to break up over it is another.

If neither one of you is willing to work through this issue then you likely will not work through other difficulties that come in every marriage.

Marriage is work. Marriage is continuous adjusting and compromising, it is not drawing battle lines in the sand.

Maybe it's the tone and the attitude that you both use when arguing about this, can a professional counselor mediate so you can come to a mutual

agreement ? Surely if love is strong this can be resolved.

You two look like such a cute couple together, you are young, try to make it work. No marriage exists where both agree on everything but

you have to give and take and grow and stretch together, no matter if it's her or someone else. It takes two to tango ... so if she is done dancing

move on, if she is waiting for you to give a little then think it over.

How about a little part of her money goes to household bills and part into her own personal savings. Then go from there.

Money does destroy love but then you have to wonder was it really true love in the first place.

[gland 5]

I am an American who became friends online with an Ukrainian woman about a year ago. I was initially attracted to her personality, education and worldliness. As time went on I fell deeply in love with her heart and gentle nature. At this time I was planning a trip to Europe with my best friend. He unexpectedly canceled on me just a few weeks before we were set to leave. Instead of canceling my flight I decided to backpack across Europe solo just to meet this mysterious woman whom I had grown keen towards. She was delighted that I would travel to Ukraine to meet with her, and as soon as I arrived I swept her off her feet. This was the first sign that maybe our destiny was to become more than friends.

Over the course of 14 days in Ukraine, we fell passionately in love. After holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes I knew she was the one I longed to spend the rest of my life with her. She wanted me to move to Ukraine and be with her, but after several discussions with her family, we decided that it would be best if we get married and she comes to live with me in the USA. As soon as my flight landed back in the USA I applied for a fiance visa. The world was ours..

After 5 months without holding her in my arms I flew back to Ukraine to propose to her on her birthday. One day later her visa to the USA was granted.

The moment she touched down in the USA my life changed forever. I landed a new job and we bought a nice apartment in the Bay Area. We even exclusively decorated the entire flat like an Ikea catalog to make it feel more European. I was happy, but little did I know she was severely depressed inside.

After several weeks she became very quiet and distanced herself from me. Occasionally she would explode and tell me to send her home now, and other times she would say she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I did everything in my power to make her happy, because I thought my love could cure the sadness in her heart. I spent time with her, and tried to communicate with her the best that I could, but nothing seemed to work. After 2 months had passed, I had gotten used to her behavior and chalked it up to her being homesick. In the back of my mind I was starting to doubt we would work out because she makes irrational decisions constantly. She even went as far as giving me back the ring and deleting our engagement from Facebook along with all of our photos. She said Facebook is pointless, but I told her it was about the principle, and it was a sign of something worse to come.

As things continued to take a turn for the worse, I decided that it would be best that we reach out to her parents to consult them about our issues. I was hoping they could help us to understand each other and fix our communication issues. After several weeks without arguing we were able to fix our communication issues and we decided to finally schedule our wedding ceremony.

The night before our wedding we got to talking about money. When I talked about saving for a house, it got very awkward, just as every conversation about money typically goes. She proclaimed that it was my job to save for the house and that when she is capable of working her money is hers and my money is ours. I was completely shocked by her response. We had completely done a 180* and now she lays this bomb on me that she refuses to contribute her income. While living in silicon valley at the age of 25, I could not possibly commit to marrying a woman who refuses to contribute financially.

Our wedding was supposed to be right now. In hindsight, I have to blame myself for not asking more financial questions. I had always been around strong hard working women and it never crossed my mind that some people do not believe it contributing financially in a relationship. I thought the happiness and love that we shared was enough, but at the end of the day two people have to share the same vision about money. I have to book her flight home soon, and the pain is unbearable...

Sorry that happened to you. Sounds like you put a lot into it. I hope you can find someone more suited to you and what your looking for?

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

The night before our wedding we got to talking about money. When I talked about saving for a house, it got very awkward, just as every conversation about money typically goes. She proclaimed that it was my job to save for the house and that when she is capable of working her money is hers and my money is ours. I was completely shocked by her response. We had completely done a 180* and now she lays this bomb on me that she refuses to contribute her income. While living in silicon valley at the age of 25, I could not possibly commit to marrying a woman who refuses to contribute financially.

I wouldn't say that this is anything shocking to me, in post-USSR countries quite a bit of women think and want this way - "your money is our money, my money is mine". Doesn't mean all RUB mens agree with that. I've seen plenty of women like this in Russia who think that rent/mortgage, utility bills, car - it's all man's responisbility and they don't have to cover such stuff because they need to spend their money on clothes, shoes and beauty services, may be some groceries. I don't want to say that everyone there thinks like this, many RUB women are contributing into household finances and share all responsibilities, but you certainly need to talk about finances with your fiancee ahead to figure out your positions because finances work quite different in some countries than in the US (like RUB countries) by historical and cultural reasons, and from reading stories on varios forums I noticed that both partners often get pissed at how another one wants it to work. I don't want to assume, but from your posts it sounds like you had a lot of communication with your fiancee but was avoiding some serious topics that had to be discussed and settled before she even arrived US. Me and Amy had detailed conversations about our future finances and financial responsibilities while we were waiting for my K1 to be approved to be sure that we both have reasonable expectations. Good for you that you figured all these problems at least before you got married, then it could be a really big problem.

- Victor from Russia

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

As far as I know in Russian / Ukrainian culture there is a very high divorce rate

One of the reasons is that divorce in Russia/Ukraine is very cheap and most of the times very easy, especially if both spouses want it and there's not much of assets to fight over in the court. It's often easy even with kids - men in RUB rarely fight for the custody, culturaly it's normal that mother of kids gets full custody and their father supposed to pay her child support plus visit kids sometimes, so there is not much to argue over.

- Victor from Russia

[Boiler 45,486]

What is mine is mine and what is yours is mine as well seems pretty common in the US as well.

[aaa2zzz 27]

Sometimes in these situations, what we call homesickness is just someone feeling Oh I Am Making a Big Mistake.

If you read books on cross cultural relationships, one recurring theme is that people tend to think that differences between a couple are due to cultural differences, when often as not the are based on fundamental personality differences.

Every culture, nation, has good and bad people and a whole continuum of personalities.

If you were to talk 30 minutes with a woman her age from California, you would know, because of the way she talked, what she talked about, her family, etc. pretty much the kind of person she was. If you were trying to figure it out.

Since you speak a different language and have not been immersed in Ukrainian culture, you (and neither did she) did not have the possibility of doing that. Falling in love is mostly built on fantasy and projection.

From my many years of experience with Ukrainians, there are some unselfish, family oriented women and men who would think exactly as you do. But in comparison to many other cultures, Ukrainians tend to be selfish, egotistical and unwilling to compromise. There are many historical and sociological reasons. One of this is because most children are only children, and early childhood discipline is very lax. This is borne out in the extremely high divorce rate. I say again, every person is different. But if you meet someone else from Ukraine, you should bear this in mind.

They do have a higher level of conflict even in good marriages. Ukrainian women are used to having to take charge, and usually, if they sense any weakness (which a US man acting gentlemanly, reasonably and logically comes across as weak) they can become ball busters. A constant war of egos is typical. And the Ukrainians typically have no problem with it.

In Ukrainian culture, the man is supposed to be the provider. It is your duty and you are not supposed to expect her to do anything. But in reality, all the couples I know, both contribute as a team. The exception would be if the man was really loaded. Maybe she thought you were, I do not know.

If you are 25, and she is younger than you, its very likely its just immaturity. The Ukrainian women can seem to be very mature for their age, but, in other ways quite infantile.

I have seen Ukrainian women older than 25 throw temper tantrums worthy of a 2 year old, complete with laying on the floor, screaming and pounding their heels into the ground.

Best wishes to you.

[aaa2zzz 27]

Remember she told the OP, she preferred to live in Ukraine with him. Most sincere Ukrainian ladies would say the same. They love their country and want to be near their families. I would not like to try to make a living in Ukraine myself, but would be quite nice place to live.

[Boiler 45,486]

I agree with a lot of the above, K1 is the antithesis of the get married quick visa.

Mine took nearly a year, 6 months seems to be lucky now.

And that is after you have agreed to get married.

90 days seems very generous.

[Boiler 45,486]

How much maternity leave do you get in the US?

[Lemonslice 4,838]

How much maternity leave do you get in the US?

Less than in the Philippines

[Boiler 45,486]

Ukraine seems to do quite well.

[Pitaya 2,577]

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[baron555 934]

You both are young. She does not have many life experiences that would help her with this big transition to a new life in the US, regardless of your efforts.

The financial thing may be overblown; most UA women are very family oriented and would consider all the family's monies to be for the family.

Her immaturity may just be showing through. She did not grow up in the Soviet system, so doesn't know how hard it was and therefore doesn't have those values instilled in her.

She may be the angel you first saw but just needs more time to mature. It's your call if you two decide to remain in contact.

There are many more fish in the ocean.

[baron555 934]

Many would be very surprised at the nice and comfortable lives that many from UA (and Russia like my wife) are able to eke out. Very very similar to our lives here in the US and in many aspects, yes even better.

Yes most likely she wasn't ready for the move and being away from her family and friends, regardless of her fiance's efforts.

And trying to live in the SF area? They should have discussed those costs, etc prior to any talk of a visa.

OP; Do you NEED to live in such an expensive place?

And was she from a major city in UA or a smaller town? That would also be very telling.