84 days in and we called it quits an hour before our wedding

[wrestling289 7]

I am an American who became friends online with an Ukrainian woman about a year ago. I was initially attracted to her personality, education and worldliness. As time went on I fell deeply in love with her heart and gentle nature. At this time I was planning a trip to Europe with my best friend. He unexpectedly canceled on me just a few weeks before we were set to leave. Instead of canceling my flight I decided to backpack across Europe solo just to meet this mysterious woman whom I had grown keen towards. She was delighted that I would travel to Ukraine to meet with her, and as soon as I arrived I swept her off her feet. This was the first sign that maybe our destiny was to become more than friends.

Over the course of 14 days in Ukraine, we fell passionately in love. After holding her in my arms and looking into her eyes I knew she was the one I longed to spend the rest of my life with her. She wanted me to move to Ukraine and be with her, but after several discussions with her family, we decided that it would be best if we get married and she comes to live with me in the USA. As soon as my flight landed back in the USA I applied for a fiance visa. The world was ours..

After 5 months without holding her in my arms I flew back to Ukraine to propose to her on her birthday. One day later her visa to the USA was granted.

The moment she touched down in the USA my life changed forever. I landed a new job and we bought a nice apartment in the Bay Area. We even exclusively decorated the entire flat like an Ikea catalog to make it feel more European. I was happy, but little did I know she was severely depressed inside.

After several weeks she became very quiet and distanced herself from me. Occasionally she would explode and tell me to send her home now, and other times she would say she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I did everything in my power to make her happy, because I thought my love could cure the sadness in her heart. I spent time with her, and tried to communicate with her the best that I could, but nothing seemed to work. After 2 months had passed, I had gotten used to her behavior and chalked it up to her being homesick. In the back of my mind I was starting to doubt we would work out because she makes irrational decisions constantly. She even went as far as giving me back the ring and deleting our engagement from Facebook along with all of our photos. She said Facebook is pointless, but I told her it was about the principle, and it was a sign of something worse to come.

As things continued to take a turn for the worse, I decided that it would be best that we reach out to her parents to consult them about our issues. I was hoping they could help us to understand each other and fix our communication issues. After several weeks without arguing we were able to fix our communication issues and we decided to finally schedule our wedding ceremony.

The night before our wedding we got to talking about money. When I talked about saving for a house, it got very awkward, just as every conversation about money typically goes. She proclaimed that it was my job to save for the house and that when she is capable of working her money is hers and my money is ours. I was completely shocked by her response. We had completely done a 180* and now she lays this bomb on me that she refuses to contribute her income. While living in silicon valley at the age of 25, I could not possibly commit to marrying a woman who refuses to contribute financially.

Our wedding was supposed to be right now. In hindsight, I have to blame myself for not asking more financial questions. I had always been around strong hard working women and it never crossed my mind that some people do not believe it contributing financially in a relationship. I thought the happiness and love that we shared was enough, but at the end of the day two people have to share the same vision about money. I have to book her flight home soon, and the pain is unbearable...

[Anh map 2,098]

Sorry to hear that things didn't go well, but this is not an uncommon occurrence in K1 relationships. So don't beat yourself up over it. If you were able to spend more time together prior to the visa issuance the issues may have surfaced and you both would have seen that it wasn't meant to be.

[Boiler 45,486]

Yep

Seems you got out just in time.

Can she not book her own flight?

[Dario2012 51]

Dude, that sucks but don't give up so soon. Many non-Western cultures have different views on finances and even within a culture, family finances are a top reason for conflict.

Therefore, if the person is "worldly" as you mentioned then there's always room for compromise and you could both use education on each other's customs.

Patience young man.

[QueenComley 295]

It was a huge adjustment for me moving to America, and me and my husband had many ups and downs and many, many arguments. The visa process, along with settling into a new life together is NOT a bed of roses. There are twists and turns, getting to know things about each other every day, dealing with the severe homesickness, I was also a new step-mom and dealing with that adjustment also. Throw in all the financial ####### that causes arguments in couples that have been married 20+ years, let along 5 minutes and yes... you have a recipe for potential depression, distancing yourself from your spouse and a lot of resentment, hurt and confusing bubbling under the surface. I bet every single VJ member can relay to you some sticky moment along the way (and yes, my husband once did the whole "deleting facebook " once in his temper LOL). Many survive the upheaval, the change and the difficulty that comes with it..... others don't. We are coming up to 3 years married now. Both in honest hard working jobs. We have a lovely home for us and the kids and any arguments had are far and few between, are mundane and of no real concern. But you bet your bottom dollar we had teething problems at the beginning for sure. Im sure glad I stuck with the man I love otherwise I wouldn't be with my one true love now. I don't think you guys need to necessarily call it quits. There is work to be done to get this relationship on track but not all is lost and hopeless.

Edited January 9, 2016 by QueenComley

[TBoneTX 45,284]

I agree with your first three respondents.

Financial woes, arguments, and incompatibilities are one of the chief reasons behind failed marriages and relationships. You might not think so now, but this ended as it should have. You've been saved untold time and misery.

Far better to live as a temporarily unhappy single person than as a miserable married one. Marriage is a lot more permanent than people think. You've dodged a big one here.

Edited January 9, 2016 by TBoneTX

[Toddandcamilla 34]

I love my husband more than life. Im the european wife. Its hard. Its really hard moving to a new country. If you see that theres real love there, then dont give up! Have YOU maybe overlooked the cultural difference that might be the real source here?? I mean, so forexample my husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom and not work. Uhmmm most people thought i was lucky. But my culture, is that we all work. I love working!! I dont want to stare into the walls. I want to continue the life i loved before, now just with the love of my life. It took a long time till he overcame that difference in our culture. We dont have stay at homes. Nothing negative about it. I just didnt grow up with that being normal. Maybe if you look at Ukranien culture you will find that your dilemma is the norm in Ukraine? And therefore maybe not ur fiance whos being unresonable about money. Maybe thats All she knows? If she grew up learning thats how its done in a household.. You cant change anyones upbringing in a month. Like i said, if there is genuine and real love, dont give up. I still get homesick. Noone knows how hard it is moving away from your country, unless you have tried it. It takes years to adapt to a new country people say.. Give love time. If youre not interested in losing her. Hope all the best for you no matter the decision!! Its not easy! Chin up! Camilla

[MrsCanuck87 2]

That sucks, but at least you didn't get married. If it weren't for the financial bombshell I'd say you two might have been able to work things out, but it sounds like both of you got so swept up in the endorphins of the honeymoon phase that you failed to get down to the nitty gritty of everyday life mechanics within a relationship before she came over to the US. So maybe take this as a learning experience for the next time you find love.

[Advanced Aardvark 82]

Congratulations for recognizing the core incompatibility before you married. You just endured, and survived, a major life lesson.

Take some time to unwind and emotionally recover from this experience. Next time, take your time! Give yourself enough time to actually know the other person. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with a person, taking 12 - 18 months to really get to know them is really not a long interval.

Good luck.

[ExPatty 502]

Home sickness is extremely powerful and sometimes can take years to abate--and still not. The culture shock for her was immense. And after the initial infatuation and romance of it all died down reality set in.

It probably wouldn't have lasted. The timing is good that you both pulled out before the wedding, but you sound like a decent guy and you will get somebody else. It sounds like it was not really the fault of either party misbehaving just the variables of life.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

If your relationship is ending because what's hers is hers and what's yours is ours, I think you may want to do a bit of soul searching. My wife has voiced the same thing out loud, albeit in a half-joking manner. But half-joking is half serious. Finding a partner in life that you love and adore is difficult enough. To further burden it with your a personal philosophy that the financial health of the relationship must be contributed to by both partners is to make things even more difficult.

The fact that your wife wants to work is a big plus. Women already have a lot of extra expenses that men generally don't have from clothes and makeup to healthcare. If she works and pays for much if not all of her own personal expenses, then you're already ahead of the game. And trust me, whatever her views are at 25, they will change as she ages to 35, 45, 55. Time to re-evaluate. Is your personal view of finances in a relationship the sword you want that relationship to die on?

Life in the Bay area is very expensive. You might want to consider adjusting your life to a place where your one income can provide almost all of your family's expenses. Chalk it up as the things you do for love.

[Adil & Jeanne 296]

this makes me think it was good ours took 6 years

we had converstaions about everything

and i was in Morocco 5 times and stayed several months each trips

he is adjusting to US and talks to family in Morocco thur whats app or skype / that helps

he received SS card in 10 days and 10 year green card in 1 month from day he came

works 4 10 hour days now

so far this part has been good

and i wish you can all be happy and successful

[D.Ba 85]

Another perspective from a European fiancée.

I gave up a job paying 100k EUR. For the month before I came here and didn't work I received 2000 EUR unemployment benefit and free health insurance. I was looking towards a nice pension by state and company.

I came here, now I get zero dollars and of course no health insurance. I am spending all my savings. Effectively, I ruined myself financially.

Do I expect my husband to pick up the bill? Hell, yes! I paid 8 thousand just to move my things here.

I'm not sure whether you're aware of the sacrifice.

Of course it should come one day to a better balance, but I'm not sure if this at your stage should be the make or break. It might just have been a frustrated outcry?

And even is hers is hers, this will greatly relieve the budget, since she will pay her own way.

Edited January 9, 2016 by D.Ba

[blooms 63]

Reading this makes me sad. I tend to agree that financial issues must be resolved as soon as possible. Can y'all meet in the middle? I have a friend and she works, her husband refuses her contribution for household expenses, telling her that she can save her money and spend on whatever she wants. So that works for them, although she buys groceries, food as well for the family.

So sad, such a good looking couple. I say try to compromise and meet in the middle? Find out what works for the both of you. Otherwise, you may inform USCIS that the marriage never took place after the K1 visa is issued and the recipient has gone back to home country.

Blooms

[LookyWhatIFound 38]

Truly sorry to hear about your situation, just wanted to pass along my experience, in case it can help ease the pain. My wife is a ethnic Russian from Latvia and it took me 13 years since first meeting her to make her feel comfortable enough to marry me. Along the way 2 wasted K-1 petitions of which she wasn't able to do the interviews, but of course there was at least one ex-boy friend that was interfering, that I didn't know about.

As far as I know in Russian / Ukrainian culture there is a very high divorce rate and more couples just go without getting married. Also they are very tough / strong people who've gone thru a lot of hardship and keep a lot of feelings inside. So the only way to breakthrough is communication and more communication until she will truly talk about her feelings.

You are relatively young so both your perspectives will change in time and you may find a woman who is even a bigger love of your life than she was.

Best wishes to you!