Closing the distance and extreme anxiety

[crazyworld 54]

Thanks for your input and advice. Just to let everyone know, I admire Nich-Nick and the countless hours she has dedicated to helping others on this board. She is one of the few long time members still here helping out and that is to be commended. I simply disagree with her advice in this thread,. No disrespect intended on my part.

I know you were not disrespecting, everyone is aloud to disagree, your a rock star too!

[gavw72 23]

Probably one of the most relevant threads after the "essentials of the process" threads. I think everyone will have been through these feelings to some degree at some stage of the process.

I can certainly relate to the original post being at the interview stage (11th Jan) ourselves. I'm the 43 year old beneficiary and I've sure had my bouts of anxiety/panic/nerves! My fiancee also had a bout of anxiety a couple of months back - she's 42 and not been married before so she was worrying whether she'd make a good wife, would she struggle sharing her space with someone, changing her routine to fit in with me being there. Her main worry was feeling responsible for my new life messing up if it went wrong. We talked it through and got a lot of things out in the open and things didn't seem as bad after we'd talked - big changes for both of us that we both need to be compassionate towards.

We also agreed that the downside to this whole process with all the paperwork, payments, etc sort of took the romance out of it for a while and it got to be more of a business transaction for a few months which then induced more stress making sure everything was in place.

I myself have lots of "thinking time". I walk 20 minutes each way to work every day with my headphones in and have done nothing but think about the move for the past 8 months! The only thing really tying me to the UK is my 17 year old son, who is perfectly happy with me moving away and he leads a full life anyway now so isn't reliant on me to be around.

From my perspective I think it's just a fear of the unknown, but on the other hand as someone else said, what's the worst that can happen?

During our self enforced delay I've done loads of local research that has kept me somewhat positively occupied and focussed. I've had a big hand in youth soccer & BMX racing of which I'm qualified to coach in the UK and both are active in the area I'm going to so there maybe an opportunity there to volunteer and make new friends of my own. I've looked at the job market and found jobs advertised that are the same as I'm doing now at the local hospital. Public transport is good with a bus stop very close to where I'll be living that will take me all over the city and suburbs for $36 a month. All this research and planning has eased my mind that things shouldn't be too hard once I'm there and with modern technology keeping in touch with "home" will be easy.

Edited December 30, 2015 by gavw72

[Mike-eeh and Odie 193]

It's going to be 2 years in February, and my wife still gets home sick from time to time. She left everything and everyone to be with me. It is hard for her but she copes by Face-timing her family every morning. We also agreed to visit her country/family every other Christmas, and in between alternate holidays if finances allow. In addition, she is very close to my family and it helps to know that they are there for her when her family cannot be.

When she first arrived her on her K-1 visa, I planned a 2 week vacation to get her settled into the house. While she was waiting for her EAD/Green card she actively joined Filipino Community clubs and volunteered with the local Church to keep her mind and day occupied while I was at work.

She has told me many times that I am the only reason she is here, and our love and future children (God willing!) is what keeps her feet planted on US soil.

[Izor 79]

First. You are NOT alone. You are perfectly normal, experiencing feelings that are very normal. But know this, it will get better.

I had the exact problem as you had. Leaving my security was never a problem until after i booked the Interview date and BOOM just hit a wall. I realized that this is actually happening and EVERYTHING will be different.

I am starting a new life and it has never felt as terrifying.

But after the initial breakdown (thanks to a patient boyfriend) i started to get used to the idea.

I tackled every single concern i had by making lists. This is what i worry about how will i make it go away, or at least better?

Organize your thoughts, write, give it time.

It will get better. It is a constant roller coaster and change is scary. But think of the people that "settle" and work with the same job until they retire. Live in the same town. Eat the same foods. Do you wanna be that person? Or do you wanna look back and say " hey at least i tried".

UK will always be there. You aren't selling your soul, you are starting a new chapter.

[Karl and Olga 3]

Then I'm probably not normal . Moved to the USA in 2011. Through all the years I didn't have a single day when I missed my motherland or home. Don't think I had a miserable life there, very nice apartment, perfect job, everything I wanted I had there, except one!!! Which was the most important for me - Good husband!!! Right now I have him. Don't need anything else.

Fears????? I don't remember even had them, but do you remember a movie - Gone with the wind? Scarlett O'Hara always said - I will think about that tomorrow. I'm the same way. I never let myself to go crazy about anything, if it happens to me then I will think. And believe me you might not even have those fears at all in future, what for to worry about it right now????

You have one perfect plus in all of it, you know the language!!!!! Half is done already!!!! Do you know how many women come here without knowing the language????? As for me, they are just jumping from a bridge to the ocean . And they are still doing that.

When I came here, though I knew the language, America was like the other planet for me, really, right now still feels the same . The most important that you found the right man!!! That's the most important in the whole life. You'll find a job, don't think about that right now, you'll get used to everything - don't think about that right now. Give yourself time, to get used, to feel comfortable, to love everything. You'll get it.

The only one thing that may make me cry - is the attitude of some people to the accent. They think if you talk with an accent you think with one......... Luckily there are not so many people like that!!!!! but my accent is Russian, so I think British will be different. Just fine!!!. Good Luck!!! Don't let your fears overwhelm you. Don't think about things which might never happen, it's not worth it!!!!!

[DaisyD 12]

I had a really tough first year in the US. And even now (2.5 years here) I am not fully integrated, I know I could do more but it is a slow process for me. I have no job, few friends and rarely leave the house unless I absolutely have to. But I would not move back to the UK without my husband. He is the reason I am here and the reason that being here is absolutely the right choice for me. If I can give you one piece of advice it is to focus on your fiance, talk to him, let him know how you are feeling and work on your relationship with him. That should be your top priority in my opinion.

I am here to tell you that even if you do not make many friends, do not get a job and do not find lots of hobbies to keep you occupied, it is ok. You will not have failed. You will be just fine, because you will be with the love of your life. All of the advice on how to do that stuff is great, and definitely worth pursuing. But if it does not work out, do not beat yourself up. Take the small victories, the small steps in progress and give yourself permission to take things at your own pace.

The first year is going to be tough, you and your fiance need to be prepared for downs as well as the ups. I know for me the paperwork, the uncertainty of dates, leaving family and friends and a way of life behind all took its toll before I even moved. Plus on top of that you are getting married...that is a huge life event. Throw into that the fact that your wedding will probably not be how you always imagined it would be (I wanted a big family wedding, which is not possible when get married thousands of miles away from home) and you will have less than 90 days to organize it (most stressful thing ever- make sure to book a honeymoon, you will need it). Then you are about to move in with your partner probably for the first time and have to try to adjust to each other as a cohabiting couple. On top of that I also found that my husbands family were very different to mine and I found that alienating and it emphasized my homesickness even more. I also had my husbands crazy ex wife to deal with who was harassing me and trying to sabotage our marriage, oh and getting used to being a step mom to a young girl. Then of course there is the cultural shock. Oh, and my husband and I also found that we had very little in common that we could do together. Plus all the firsts being abroad were tough to deal with...first birthday away from family, first chirstmas away, first thanksgiving (surprisingly this was really tough, it made me feel really homesick to be away from my family and surrounded by a different family who seemed indifferent to me even if it is a holiday that I do not care about in any form).

You need to talk all of this through with your fiance. Make sure that the two of you know that life is going to be rocky. Just because you have a visa in your passport, does not mean that the road ahead is paved with gold. He needs to be there to support you and try his hardest to make you feel like you have a new home. (I loved the fact that my husband chose Philip Philips Home for our first dance at our wedding, it still speaks a lot to me

). His life is going to change too, and he has to be prepared to put time and effort into your relationship and into helping you to settle in and adjust how he lives to make it work for the two of you. You are both still on a roller coaster and need to hold onto each other in order to make it though the next few loops and twists together.

The way we coped was not perfect but it got us through. At first we did a lot of going out, getting drunk bonding through that. I let my emotions come out when I was drunk. It was not the best way, but it was cathartic on occasions. Sometimes I was a b**ch to live with, my emotions were all over the place. But we always made up and always worked out a solution afterwards, together. Later on we started to discover (sober) actives that we could do together (we were spending too much money drinking, plus it was not very healthy). We got into making art together, playing board games, he introduced me to some video games and we took long walks. We planned nice trips away to different cities to keep an event in the future that we could look forward to. We also talked constantly and openly about what was going on and each made an effort to adjust. After about a year or so my emotions leveled out and things got better as time went on. Relationships are about trying to find the happy middle ground you are both going to have to work hard to make it work and have the commitment to see it though all of the changes that are happening to you both.

It is not that I wish any of this bad stuff on you, just giving you a realistic look at what my first year was like so that you are prepared. You can make it through this. I just wanted you to be aware that there will be times that things do not go as planned and life seems tough and you will question your move but that is ok and if you work together with your fiance life will get better.

[DJ6372 111]

I had a really tough first year in the US. And even now (2.5 years here) I am not fully integrated, I know I could do more but it is a slow process for me. I have no job, few friends and rarely leave the house unless I absolutely have to. But I would not move back to the UK without my husband. He is the reason I am here and the reason that being here is absolutely the right choice for me. If I can give you one piece of advice it is to focus on your fiance, talk to him, let him know how you are feeling and work on your relationship with him. That should be your top priority in my opinion.

I am here to tell you that even if you do not make many friends, do not get a job and do not find lots of hobbies to keep you occupied, it is ok. You will not have failed. You will be just fine, because you will be with the love of your life. All of the advice on how to do that stuff is great, and definitely worth pursuing. But if it does not work out, do not beat yourself up. Take the small victories, the small steps in progress and give yourself permission to take things at your own pace.

The first year is going to be tough, you and your fiance need to be prepared for downs as well as the ups. I know for me the paperwork, the uncertainty of dates, leaving family and friends and a way of life behind all took its toll before I even moved. Plus on top of that you are getting married...that is a huge life event. Throw into that the fact that your wedding will probably not be how you always imagined it would be (I wanted a big family wedding, which is not possible when get married thousands of miles away from home) and you will have less than 90 days to organize it (most stressful thing ever- make sure to book a honeymoon, you will need it). Then you are about to move in with your partner probably for the first time and have to try to adjust to each other as a cohabiting couple. On top of that I also found that my husbands family were very different to mine and I found that alienating and it emphasized my homesickness even more. I also had my husbands crazy ex wife to deal with who was harassing me and trying to sabotage our marriage, oh and getting used to being a step mom to a young girl. Then of course there is the cultural shock. Oh, and my husband and I also found that we had very little in common that we could do together. Plus all the firsts being abroad were tough to deal with...first birthday away from family, first chirstmas away, first thanksgiving (surprisingly this was really tough, it made me feel really homesick to be away from my family and surrounded by a different family who seemed indifferent to me even if it is a holiday that I do not care about in any form).

You need to talk all of this through with your fiance. Make sure that the two of you know that life is going to be rocky. Just because you have a visa in your passport, does not mean that the road ahead is paved with gold. He needs to be there to support you and try his hardest to make you feel like you have a new home. (I loved the fact that my husband chose Philip Philips Home for our first dance at our wedding, it still speaks a lot to me

). His life is going to change too, and he has to be prepared to put time and effort into your relationship and into helping you to settle in and adjust how he lives to make it work for the two of you. You are both still on a roller coaster and need to hold onto each other in order to make it though the next few loops and twists together.

The way we coped was not perfect but it got us through. At first we did a lot of going out, getting drunk bonding through that. I let my emotions come out when I was drunk. It was not the best way, but it was cathartic on occasions. Sometimes I was a b**ch to live with, my emotions were all over the place. But we always made up and always worked out a solution afterwards, together. Later on we started to discover (sober) actives that we could do together (we were spending too much money drinking, plus it was not very healthy). We got into making art together, playing board games, he introduced me to some video games and we took long walks. We planned nice trips away to different cities to keep an event in the future that we could look forward to. We also talked constantly and openly about what was going on and each made an effort to adjust. After about a year or so my emotions leveled out and things got better as time went on. Relationships are about trying to find the happy middle ground you are both going to have to work hard to make it work and have the commitment to see it though all of the changes that are happening to you both.

It is not that I wish any of this bad stuff on you, just giving you a realistic look at what my first year was like so that you are prepared. You can make it through this. I just wanted you to be aware that there will be times that things do not go as planned and life seems tough and you will question your move but that is ok and if you work together with your fiance life will get better.

Great post