Closing the distance and extreme anxiety

[walran 24]

Having gone through this with my first wife in 88 (from Spain) and having lived abroad for the better part of 10 years in Spain and Germany mainly and North Africa there are a few things that I have noticed..

1- It takes about 3 years to really integrate, learn where things are, and just fit in..

2- New friendships and associations are essential with people that have common interests and passions.

3- Time together with your spouse will help him/her not feel so lonely if you are together a lot.

4- Whoever you marry should be worth giving everything else up for.. If I didn't get the visa I would give up my business, sell my houses and move to Nepal and be poor probably rather than in top 5-10% of incomes in US..If she isn't worth that then I wouldn't do it.

Now that said having lived in three countries for years each I prefer living abroad.. I prefer the newness, challenge, and sense of adventure.. Often it is a plus taking things from one culture into an other. IF I could move my business to Nepal etc. I would in a heartbeat..!

[QueenComley 295]

What you are feeling is incredibly normal! Im also from the UK (Oxford - where are you from?) and had lived in the same town with ALL my family and ALL my life long friends for 34 years until I moved to America 3 years ago. I loved my home, Loved the UK, was Sooooo proud of my country and never for a SECOND thought I would up root and move to America! But here I am ...... 3 years in and STILL cant get my head around the fact that I live in America. Even now I have my wobbly days... I have moments (especially this time of year) when Im so homesick I find it hard to function. I miss free health care.... I miss 6 weeks paid vacation a year. I miss Richmond sausages... I miss decent bread, bacon and chocolate. American drivers terrify me... you guys are sooooo aggressive on the roads LOL! But above all I miss my home town and my friends and family so bloody much! BUT..... I am blessed to say AMERICA and ENGLAND are my home. Im blessed to be with the LOVE of my life and my 2 beautiful step children. I work 12 hours a day everyday in a veterinary clinic and have a beautiful home, a new vehicle and fresh meat cooked on the grill every night..;.. and I am in one of the BEST countries of the world.... IM BLESSED!!!! Any time you are struggling, or having a bad day inbox me.... it can be extremely hard being away from everything you have ever known and loved.

[caphoto 10]

Yup, totally understand! I just moved here 4 months ago, and got married in October. The last couple of weeks in Scotland were absolute hell. I was crying all the time. My anxiety was stopping me from functioning. It SUCKED! I've been with my partner for 4 years. It doesn't make it any easier. I mean, why should I choose one person over ALL my friends and family?

But at the end of the day, I just did it. It was so hard saying goodbye at the airport, but once I arrived and started settling in, it slowly got better and better. I still don't have my work permit, so it's been a few months of decorating the house and looking after our new puppy.

Yes, it's super hard, and I miss home every day. But I'm with the love of my life and I'm glad I chose to move here. There are times when I miss my family so much, but they are only a skype call away. And we are lucky that we can afford to fly home at least once a year to see them, and they can fly out here. I know it seems really permanent, and I think that's the most difficult part. You can do it!

[dpd 21]

Kikih,

I feel you and I can relate to you 100%. That is exactly what I have been feeling since I moved in the USA 2.5 months ago, actually till now especially if I'm alone. There have been days that I would cry for hours, have had bad temper and I became too sensitive to the point that I would make things difficult for us. I had a good job in an American company in the Philippines for 10 years that I had to gave up. I've been in the USA twice before on business trips for a month each trip and I loved it here but when it was my time to settle down here,it was so difficult for me to adjust and it was so unfair of me to compare those trips versus living here in the USA for good. From a 10-year job to nothing, from being in a very close family in the Philippines to being alone is really degrading me. It completely changed my entire life.

Right now I can't say that I have adjusted completely but I slowly start to take things differently. Instead of sitting in the corner of the house and crying, I first started working on updating my resume so when time comes that I'm ready to work, I'm prepared. Did some research for possible job openings nearby. Did some gardening in our backyard, bought a lot of flowers and planted them :-) . Hubby bought me anything I want so I will have something to do while he is at work. I love sewing, he recently bought me a sewing machine, made some curtains for the house and fixed some of his shirts. Things became so tough when he travels outside the country for few weeks for work and I'm left by myself in the house. In exchange, he bought me a cute puppy to play with, puppy is so sweet and really helped me a lot. We always make sure we skype everyday. If you love dogs, I suggest you get one.

As the saying goes, life is what you make it. Make the most of it. There are many things we can do to help us change our outlook in life. For sure things will be better for us in the next few months. Just hold on and don't forget to pray :-)

[mallafri76 1,012]

Do you know that medical care is not free, even with high priced health insurance? Take a step back and evaluate.

What, you still pay for medical care even though you have insurance?????

OP, I've lived in various countries across the world and the time leading up to my previous moves have always been filled with excitement and happiness, but now as I get closer to my move to the US, I'm starting to feel a little like you do, stressed and anxious. Personally, I think it's because the US is so different compared to the other countries I've lived in when it comes to social security, and especially what we're used to from our part of Europe. I mean you can get fired for no reason, medical care is based on your wallet or your insurance, you can get sued for anything..... But then there are many positive things too, like Americans are very open and helpful, medical care holds a VERY high standard (when your insurance covers it), tons of federal holidays that make up for the lack of vacation days.....

What helped me deal with my anxiety was making a pros and cons list. What did I like about the US and what was I looking forward to when moving there, what did I not like about the US and what was I worried about. Needless to say, my husband and the things we're planning on doing once I move over made the pros list veeeery long. And then I tackled the cons list, going through each step and finding ways of either preparing for them or doing something about them. Like the fact that you can get fired for no reason made me start learning Spanish, to make me more appealing for an employer in Texas. So that's what I suggest you do, write a pros and cons list for you and then tackle each of the things you're worried about or don't like and embrace the wonderful things you do like and look forward to about your move. Putting your mind to work, stops it from racing around.

[JFH 12,190]

I'm currently at the airport on my way home from my most recent trip. This one as by far the most emotional and intense because it's all becoming very real.

On the face of it, people will wonder what I'm worried about. Due to my father's work with the government when I was a child, we moved all over the world. And I took a similar path and have lived and worked in 5 countries. I'm bilingual. I've never been in one place for more than 3 years. But still I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Maybe it's because my previous moves were always on a fixed term? I don't think I'll miss my family. I haven't had much contact with them over the last 10 years. Where I work I am alone in the building except for a few hours twice a week when one other person is there. I can't say I will miss colleagues! It's something I can't put my finger on. The only thing I can think of is that I've always been very independent. I've lived alone. I've always had my job that I love. I've always been financially comfortable. I'm worried that I won't find a job there and I'll be stuck at home all day in small-town Colorado, a thousand miles from the coast (I currently live on the coast).

The suggestion with the pros and cons is very good. I'm going to do that.

[zeeeeeeek 9]

Hi all. We are at interview stage and I feel fairly confident we will be accepted. I am currently with my SO in his country ( I'm from UK and he is in USA) for vacation and despite previously loving everything about the US, just realistically knowing I'll be moving here in a matter of months has my anxiety through the roof. I am truly terrified about finding a new job and settling in to a life here and I am noticing such big differences culturally. My extreme fear has me questioning whether I'm making the right decision and I've been argumentative and difficult throughout my vacation, picking fault with minor things. The time zone hasn't ever bothered me much but suddenly I feel very far away from my loved ones and when my SO works and has his focus on his business I feel very lonely and can't help but wonder how I will cope long term until I make friends- if I make friends!

I'm looking to hear other people's experiences - can anyone relate to what I've said? Is this normal or indicative of bigger worries? Has anyone successfully closed the gap and overcome the challenges despite completely freaking out?

Any UK to USA couples in particular who can tell their story?

Thank you.

Sounds like you have Neophobia, Actually the feelings your having are quite natural, its always hard when your going outside of your comfort zone so your mind is trying its best to look for things no matter how silly to keep you in that zone. Try moving to a third world country for one week with only $100 dollars in your pocket. That will make you flap your wings and fly over to America.

[Teddy B 17,252]

I have been on VJ helping UK people with visa questions for almost eight years now. To be very honest, some don't make it work. They divorce or want to move back to the UK with their new spouse. You don't sound ready to make the transition and are giving your fiance hell already. Delay your interview and think it over for a couple of months. Evaluate whether you need to be near your UK loved ones or your fiance the most. Decide if you can tolerate 6 months of boredom until you can find a job and interests in a new place. Many times you grow into friendships based on your situation. It may be people you come to know at work, or at the CrossFit gym. Later it will be folks who have tots the same age as yours or play soccer on your kid's team. Right now it may be your school mates you miss terribly, but even those eventually fade out as your life changes. But being near Mum and siblings can last a long time, so evaluate if you would be happier marrying an Englishman.

If you move to the US, then do it knowing you are not going to create the UK in America. You will have to embrace the new life for what it is and not constantly compare differences. Can you live without Christmas cake? Can you accept that 30 days holiday from work does not happen in the US? Do you know that medical care is not free, even with high priced health insurance? Take a step back and evaluate.

I know you mean well, but that sounds like pretty drastic and unwarranted advice to me. Having anxiety about uprooting your entire life and leaving everything you've ever known is perfectly normal, it affects some more than others. To make a snap judgement and advise someone to delay their marriage and moving plans based on one post in this forum is wreckless imo.

To the op. I believe what you are experiencing is perfectly normal and happens to most folks who are making this move in life. It affects everyone differently and some people experience higher levels of anxiety than others. You haven't mentioned any negatives about your relationship with your fiance which is a good thing. Ask your fiance for a sit down to explain and discuss your feelings and see where that goes, I'm sure he will try to ease your fears. Only you truly know if this is the move you should be making. If you truly love your fiance, then you shouldn't let the anxiety stand in your way. The anxiety will dissipate as you start to settle in. Good luck!

[kikih 4]

Thank you so very much to everyone who took time to respond - the reassurance of knowing I'm not alone in my emotional roller coaster was the comfort I needed. Wish each of you the very best and thank you again! For anyone else wishing to share please do. Have a great day ☺️

[Teddy B 17,252]

Thank you so very much to everyone who took time to respond - the reassurance of knowing I'm not alone in my emotional roller coaster was the comfort I needed. Wish each of you the very best and thank you again! For anyone else wishing to share please do. Have a great day ☺️

The website meetup.com has been very helpful to people here in meeting new folks with similar interests. (I've put the link below.) Simply put in your zip code and choose which interests you have and it will give you results of people with the same interests in your area and where they meet.

http://www.meetup.com/

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

I know you mean well, but that sounds like pretty drastic and unwarranted advice to me. Having anxiety about uprooting your entire life and leaving everything you've ever known is perfectly normal, it affects some more than others. To make a snap judgement and advise someone to delay their marriage and moving plans based on one post in this forum is wreckless imo.

Well more people gave it a +1 than any of the other posts, so some agree. The OP used the word EXTREME anxiety. She's more than just nervous. The run up to a visa fills one's mind with so much paperwork and anticipation and hurry hurry. I think now that now that approval is in sight, pushing it back one or two months could take the pressure off. She can calmly think about what her fiancé means to her, what she can do to make the move more comfortable, have time to consider the things that are annoying to her in the UK and talk to her fiancé about her needs.

I still think there is nothing wrong with getting off the hamster wheel and stopping to breathe instead of rushing forward with extreme anxiety. It is simply one person's opinion and what I would tell my own grown daughters...allow yourself some time to calm down.

[Teddy B 17,252]

Well more people gave it a +1 than any of the other posts, so some agree. The OP used the word EXTREME anxiety. She's more than just nervous. The run up to a visa fills one's mind with so much paperwork and anticipation and hurry hurry. I think now that now that approval is in sight, pushing it back one or two months could take the pressure off. She can calmly think about what her fiancé means to her, what she can do to make the move more comfortable, have time to consider the things that are annoying to her in the UK and talk to her fiancé about her needs.

I still think there is nothing wrong with getting off the hamster wheel and stopping to breathe instead of rushing forward with extreme anxiety. It is simply one person's opinion and what I would tell my own grown daughters...allow yourself some time to calm down.

Sure some people gave it a +1, but your post is the ONLY post in this thread that gave the advice you did. Every other post in this thread says her anxiety is normal. My main objection is that you gave drastic advice based on one post with very limited information. I'm sure you know your daughters much better than this anonymous poster you've never met. She has since posted saying that the posts in this thread explaining that her anxiety is normal has helped to ease her mind.

Thank you so very much to everyone who took time to respond - the reassurance of knowing I'm not alone in my emotional roller coaster was the comfort I needed. Wish each of you the very best and thank you again! For anyone else wishing to share please do. Have a great day ☺️

[crazyworld 54]

Sure some people gave it a +1, but your post is the ONLY post in this thread that gave the advice you did. Every other post in this thread says her anxiety is normal. My main objection is that you gave drastic advice based on one post with very limited information. I'm sure you know your daughters much better than this anonymous poster you've never met. She has since posted saying that the posts in this thread explaining that her anxiety is normal has helped to ease her mind.

Hi Teddy,

Do not judge Nich-Nick too harshly. It was only a possible option and not a recommendation. I see a lot of young love around here and unfortunately a lot of threads talking about divorce or separation for one reason or another.

There is a difference between being nervous and just plain scared. This process has given me a few gray hairs myself and I'm not the one giving up everything to live here. My fiance is giving up everything she knows, her family, friends, and job to come here and marry me. It is a big and real life changer for anyone. We are older then most people here and we have had a lot of life experiences apart and together so at our age we know exactly what we want in a relationship. I do wish that more people would be lucky enough and able to do what we did and actually live together for a bit like we did, almost one year when you add up all the 3 month visits to really get to know each other and the county. We know what our financial situation will like be living on one income until she can work, we know what our health care will be, and so on and she has made some of "her friends" already too so not having all this in place and knowing what it will be like after a couple of months of living together is scary thing for anybody and possibly not for everyone. I'm not trying to discouraging anyone at all but just trying to say that all the talk of being together one day in the future, well the future is now here and you need to be ready for it and wanting it more then anything else in the world!

That being said, my fiance has had some big family problems come up recently (nothing about us) and I have told her that once we are approved, she doesn't need to jump on the first plane over. I told her we will book a flight when she is ready and comfortable with the situation at home be it 2 weeks or 2 months or more. The important thing for me is I want her to be excited about us and our future together when she comes here without any regrets or worries about leaving.

[Yoveeta 36]

I guess for me it was a bit easier.. I was travelling more or less for all my life.. Grow up in small village in one of European countries, then spend 7 years in big city studying... Later moved to UK.. Now , after 5 years there moved to US.. I guess I learned how to deal with being home sick.. And real friends will always stay in touch (now we have much more options thanks to Internet). Of course every time you're moving circle of friends is getting smaller, because not everyone has time to get in touch and have their own things going on.. But you always can find new friends in new place.. Of course till you start work it might be a bit difficult, because you will spend more time at home.. My advice , don't let yourself do nothing.. Study something, engage in forums, read books, go jogging.. Just don't leave yourself time to think how lonely and home sick you are.. Try to find some volunteering work (but make sure it's legal to do it , when you will start working you will meet more people, and should make new friends.. Most important thing is you need to set priorities, what is most important to you.. I made a decision to move here, because my hubby is my new family now.. of course I miss my friends, I will see my family less.. But is part of being adult.. You starting new stage of your life now..

Edited December 30, 2015 by Yoveeta

[Teddy B 17,252]

Hi Teddy,

Do not judge Nich-Nick too harshly. It was only a possible option and not a recommendation. I see a lot of young love around here and unfortunately a lot of threads talking about divorce or separation for one reason or another.

There is a difference between being nervous and just plain scared. This process has given me a few gray hairs myself and I'm not the one giving up everything to live here. My fiance is giving up everything she knows, her family, friends, and job to come here and marry me. It is a big and real life changer for anyone. We are older then most people here and we have had a lot of life experiences apart and together so at our age we know exactly what we want in a relationship. I do wish that more people would be lucky enough and able to do what we did and actually live together for a bit like we did, almost one year when you add up all the 3 month visits to really get to know each other and the county. We know what our financial situation will like be living on one income until she can work, we know what our health care will be, and so on and she has made some of "her friends" already too so not having all this in place and knowing what it will be like after a couple of months of living together is scary thing for anybody and possibly not for everyone. I'm not trying to discouraging anyone at all but just trying to say that all the talk of being together one day in the future, well the future is now here and you need to be ready for it and wanting it more then anything else in the world!

That being said, my fiance has had some big family problems come up recently (nothing about us) and I have told her that once we are approved, she doesn't need to jump on the first plane over. I told her we will book a flight when she is ready and comfortable with the situation at home be it 2 weeks or 2 months or more. The important thing for me is I want her to be excited about us and our future together when she comes here without any regrets or worries about leaving.

Thanks for your input and advice. Just to let everyone know, I admire Nich-Nick and the countless hours she has dedicated to helping others on this board. She is one of the few long time members still here helping out and that is to be commended. I simply disagree with her advice in this thread,. No disrespect intended on my part.