Closing the distance and extreme anxiety

[kikih 4]

Hi all. We are at interview stage and I feel fairly confident we will be accepted. I am currently with my SO in his country ( I'm from UK and he is in USA) for vacation and despite previously loving everything about the US, just realistically knowing I'll be moving here in a matter of months has my anxiety through the roof. I am truly terrified about finding a new job and settling in to a life here and I am noticing such big differences culturally. My extreme fear has me questioning whether I'm making the right decision and I've been argumentative and difficult throughout my vacation, picking fault with minor things. The time zone hasn't ever bothered me much but suddenly I feel very far away from my loved ones and when my SO works and has his focus on his business I feel very lonely and can't help but wonder how I will cope long term until I make friends- if I make friends!

I'm looking to hear other people's experiences - can anyone relate to what I've said? Is this normal or indicative of bigger worries? Has anyone successfully closed the gap and overcome the challenges despite completely freaking out?

Any UK to USA couples in particular who can tell their story?

Thank you.

[Ontarkie 14,304]

~~Moved to Moving to the US and Your New Life in America from K1 Process and Procedures - as this the topic is about starting life in the US~~

[kikih 4]

Thank you!

[JR loves JR 196]

Those are pretty common fears. They have nothing to do with how good of a relationship you have with your fiancé. One of the things I'd suggest is to use part of your remaining vacation time to start meeting people. Have your fiancé make plans with some of his friends and their girlfriends. I'd ask him to limit it to one couple at a time to ensure you aren't left out. Or the two of you could host a small dinner party to get to know his friends. Who knows, you might find one or two of them that you really get along with. Knowing you have one friend can make a big difference in how comfortable you feel. Also, start working on updating your resume so it will be ready when the time comes. It's going to be a big change but just take it one day at a time. And when you get home, do all those things you've been meaning to do with your family. You know, the ones you keep saying you'll do tomorrow

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I am a practiced extrovert, and whenever I'm in a situation like yours, I find I have to practice like crazy, as awkward as it is to do so. I wish you luck as you adjust to your new home and meet new people. By the way, despite being with me in the US for 3 months in 2013, my wife took several months to adjust when she moved here as an immigrant in July 2015. Five months later, she's slowly accepting and enjoying the things around her. You are not alone.

One more thing, from your husband's perspective, I would recommend easing up on him a little, if you can endure it. If you can find someone from home to be your sounding board for complaints, it'll go a lot better on your relationship.

[baron555 934]

Any UK to USA couples in particular who can tell their story?

Ah please, you're only coming from the UK, you even speak the language!!!

My wife came from Russia, so who has the larger differences?

I'm being mean and apologize. Your feelings are very real and it is normal and should be expected.

Hi all. We are at interview stage and I feel fairly confident we will be accepted. I am currently with my SO in his country ( I'm from UK and he is in USA) for vacation and despite previously loving everything about the US, just realistically knowing I'll be moving here in a matter of months has my anxiety through the roof. I am truly terrified about finding a new job and settling in to a life here and I am noticing such big differences culturally.

Are you coming from a large city to a small town? or vice versa? Where in the US will you be living? That can make a big difference in how you view things or how you are viewed.

My extreme fear has me questioning whether I'm making the right decision and I've been argumentative and difficult throughout my vacation, picking fault with minor things.

Stop that. Remember when you two began your talk about international relationships and immigration to the US? About how your relationship would have to endure extreme pressures? I hope you both realized this, because it is true and it is happening.

The time zone hasn't ever bothered me much but suddenly I feel very far away from my loved ones

Skype video is a great thing. Call back home often.

and when my SO works and has his focus on his business I feel very lonely

Now I'd want to speak with the USC. He needs to understand that he can not merely fly you here and let you loose, despite his work. He needs to devote special time to you during these first bunch of months (which haven't even officially started. I know I gave up many outside interests once my wife and young son came here. He needs to make concessions also; it's his party too!

and can't help but wonder how I will cope long term until I make friends- if I make friends!

Depending on where you live, this will not be a problem. Don't sit at home.

I'm looking to hear other people's experiences - can anyone relate to what I've said? Is this normal or indicative of bigger worries? Has anyone successfully closed the gap and overcome the challenges despite completely freaking out?

Normal feelings. BOTH of you need to work on this. Don't hold back and inform him of your feelings.

Thank you.

[*Snowdrop* 604]

I think what you are feeling is really common. I started to feel like that when I first learned a little more about US employment conditions and how different the working culture is to the UK and Europe. The US went from being the fun,vacation place to the new permanent reality.

It does get better, and then sometimes it gets a little worse again, and then it gets brilliant. And then years down the line you can still feel pangs of homesickness but they go away again and then it's brilliant again.

I think the key is not to panic too much when you do feel anxious or stressed and know that it will pass.

I've been here seven years now and last week I had a 'homesick' moment when I couldn't get all the ingredients for the Christmas cake or decent Christmas Crackers or the ability to buy a bottle of gin in the supermarket. But I'm over it now. And there are lots of wonderful things about the US to balance out the fact that it's not the UK!

[crazyworld 54]

Kikih,

Sorry you are feeling this way. I live in the US and she lives in England and we are about at the same stage as you, awaiting for our interview date with medical booked for the 12 of January. She has come here 4 times on the 3 month visa so she is used to me and the US and we wanted to make sure of us. On her first stay she did get home sick about a month in missing family and friends. I had to work so she was stuck in the apartment during the day and it was doing her nut in as well as making me feel sad.

She started to find things to do during the day like using the apartment amenities (pool, walking paths, workout room) and she started volunteering to walk dogs at the local shelter a couple of times a week where she made some new friends. We also adopted two that keeps her company too. She had to take public transit to go places during the day which in itself was an adventure she says. She made friends with this lady from the shelter that would pick her up and drop her off from the shelter too which was so great. She is a care giver by trade so when she gets back here she wants to volunteer at some senior centers until she can start working. Her biggest complaint so far is that she can't find a good Chinese take away or good Indian restaurant and shes not crazy about the american style in cloths, especially mine! Its still hard for her at times but I do what I can to help her out. We try to go out as much as possible after work even if just going food shopping to get her out of the house for awhile. She calls and Skype's her family and friends a couple of times a week and she enjoys my friends so much that now we now call them our friends. We are very active so we ski and sled ride in the winter, swimming and hiking in the summer as much as possible to name a few. After my mum pass on we are planing to move back to England for a while to be with her mum.

There is no quick fix but please give it some time before you make any decisions. You will make new friends on your own and as a couple as most of us blokes here are friendly and love the English accent. Volunteering seems to have helped her the most as well as going places after work together. I hope a little bit of what we do might be helpful to you. I also hope your SO will be there for you and help with the transition period. When I visited her I found the people I met in England were for the most part just like here, same attitudes, same problems, just drive on the wrong side of the road lol. Its a crazy world for people like us who fell in love with someone from a different country but take life as an adventure and take it together.

[Nich-Nick 3,354]

I have been on VJ helping UK people with visa questions for almost eight years now. To be very honest, some don't make it work. They divorce or want to move back to the UK with their new spouse. You don't sound ready to make the transition and are giving your fiance hell already. Delay your interview and think it over for a couple of months. Evaluate whether you need to be near your UK loved ones or your fiance the most. Decide if you can tolerate 6 months of boredom until you can find a job and interests in a new place. Many times you grow into friendships based on your situation. It may be people you come to know at work, or at the CrossFit gym. Later it will be folks who have tots the same age as yours or play soccer on your kid's team. Right now it may be your school mates you miss terribly, but even those eventually fade out as your life changes. But being near Mum and siblings can last a long time, so evaluate if you would be happier marrying an Englishman.

If you move to the US, then do it knowing you are not going to create the UK in America. You will have to embrace the new life for what it is and not constantly compare differences. Can you live without Christmas cake? Can you accept that 30 days holiday from work does not happen in the US? Do you know that medical care is not free, even with high priced health insurance? Take a step back and evaluate.

[yuna628 9,687]

Hi all. We are at interview stage and I feel fairly confident we will be accepted. I am currently with my SO in his country ( I'm from UK and he is in USA) for vacation and despite previously loving everything about the US, just realistically knowing I'll be moving here in a matter of months has my anxiety through the roof. I am truly terrified about finding a new job and settling in to a life here and I am noticing such big differences culturally. My extreme fear has me questioning whether I'm making the right decision and I've been argumentative and difficult throughout my vacation, picking fault with minor things. The time zone hasn't ever bothered me much but suddenly I feel very far away from my loved ones and when my SO works and has his focus on his business I feel very lonely and can't help but wonder how I will cope long term until I make friends- if I make friends!

I'm looking to hear other people's experiences - can anyone relate to what I've said? Is this normal or indicative of bigger worries? Has anyone successfully closed the gap and overcome the challenges despite completely freaking out?

Any UK to USA couples in particular who can tell their story?

Thank you.

I think one important thing is always to communicate in a relationship, and in a decision as big as this one is, it's important to tell your fiancé your feelings and talk it out. I'm not entirely sure what cultural differences you're finding (of course I know some exist) but in the grand scheme of things, they are typically small and can be worked through. It was hard for my husband to leave his family, but I made sure to let him know that as much as it pained me, I would never want him to have any regrets. He has had moments of sadness and missing his loved ones, but Skype and phone calls do help in the long run. The other thing is to keep yourself busy and remember that even once you immigrate on a K1 you'll have a long way to go. You have a wedding to sort out, AOS paperwork to file, and another period of waiting. Finding a job will come much later. Work on settling in first slowly - making his home our home.

Make time for yourselves and each other. Find things you can do together, and when husband is at work, by yourself. Keep in mind though your fiancé/husband needs to be mindful of how big an adjustment it will be, and that he cannot shirk his responsibility in simply assuming you'll be fine on your own.

If all of it is too much to take, and you don't communicate how you feel, it is better to sort it out now before it is too late.

Edited December 29, 2015 by yuna628

[TBoneTX 45,591]

These feelings are universal, I'd wager. Much is "fear of the unknown."

Depending on your decision after stepping back to re-evaluate for a couple of months, sit down (in person or by video) with your SO to map a plan for every stage of the immigration process that you find yourself in. Start with planning the first week after your arrival. For optimal orientation purposes, decide what you'll visit, to whom you'll speak, what you'll read, and what you'll do otherwise.

Put everything on a long-term calendar, in ink -- your "personal orientation" items and "immigration milestones," to include SSN, driver's license, school registration, et al.

The above will help you "eat the elephant one bite at a time." There's zero reason to arrive and NOT be able to hit the ground running.

[DJ6372 111]

As people have said it is a completely different country, apparently we speak the same language.........yet we don't lol

Focus on the good differences, this is a fantastic country full of new things to explore.

Don't sit at home being miserable, you have to drive this, get yourself out, be a tourist see your local area.

Go to museums, libraries, get a bicycle, rent a car, be weird and walk somewhere lol

Do some charity work, volunteer at the local shelter, once you start working you'll be wishing you had time to do all this!

if all you want to do is focus on the stuff you miss, like marmite or eastenders or whatever you will end up in a negative spiral

Sort out facetime/skype or whatever, it closes the gap, I talk to my brother more now than when we were 60 miles apart

I moved from a small village to LA!! Talk about different, but i'm having a blast, not found a job yet but hopeful it will happen soon

This country has so much to see and do

But as everyone else says talk to your partner, he has a resposibility as well

Its not for everyone, but try to focus on the positives, don't give up on this great opportunity too soon, you'll end up wondering and wishing

Keep talking to us nutjobs on VJ, we'll keep you smiling!!

[Limey 551]

Hi all. We are at interview stage and I feel fairly confident we will be accepted. I am currently with my SO in his country ( I'm from UK and he is in USA) for vacation and despite previously loving everything about the US, just realistically knowing I'll be moving here in a matter of months has my anxiety through the roof. I am truly terrified about finding a new job and settling in to a life here and I am noticing such big differences culturally. My extreme fear has me questioning whether I'm making the right decision and I've been argumentative and difficult throughout my vacation, picking fault with minor things. The time zone hasn't ever bothered me much but suddenly I feel very far away from my loved ones and when my SO works and has his focus on his business I feel very lonely and can't help but wonder how I will cope long term until I make friends- if I make friends!

I'm looking to hear other people's experiences - can anyone relate to what I've said? Is this normal or indicative of bigger worries? Has anyone successfully closed the gap and overcome the challenges despite completely freaking out?

Any UK to USA couples in particular who can tell their story?

Thank you.

I am a British man, I moved here during the past summer to get married to my Fiancee in North Carolina. I'm 43. Prior to dating my now wife, I was with a wonderful girl for 12 years, who sadly lost a long battle with breast cancer. I had little in my life after that, and meeting my US fiancee at the time I did was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me.

I'd visited about 6 times over the preceeding 2 years, some of those visits being for 6-7 weeks, so I had a good idea what I was coming to. I'd lived for one year as an intern in the US in the mid nineties, and also lived in Dubai, UAE for around 3 years, so I guess I'm quite an experienced ex-pat and used to being away from the UK!

It is hard to leave the life and the people you know and move to a new country. I decided it was harder not to do that, and lose my partner.

There are things I love about my new life - the people in my city are friendly, the weather is great, we're close to the sea and houses are much cheaper, so we were able to buy a beautiful 5 bed house (lots of room for relatives to visit from the UK, which they've done already). I love being in a new country with new places to travel to, and so many new experiences. And people love my accent! I've had so many women ask me to just keep talking (though many are old enough to be my mum!).

But there are downsides. Some things here drive you nuts - insecure guys wanting to take their guns everywhere to bolster their masculinity, rather annoying road rules and layout, and some pretty right wing views to us liberal europeans, occasionally quite overt racism (I'm white, but I still find it quite shocking at times), occasionally directed at their own President. A terrible health system.

At times it can be lonely when your partner is distant or in a bad mood. I've had some of the most depressing and dark feelings of my life when I've felt like my partner was in a bad mood, or behaving weirdly. Back home I'd have given her space and gone out with my mates.

I keep in touch with family on Skype and Facebook. I don't skype too often, perhaps every couple of weeks. I think that is healthy - too much time and too regularly and you'll never settle in your new home. Embrace the new things in the US - new food, new sports, new experiences. I still follow my footie team (Southampton!) but now I have an American football team of my own thanks to my wife (unfortunately, its the Buffalo Bills, who aren't very good - but at least no one will think I follow them for the glory).

Make sure your partner appreciates what you are giving up for them. Make sure they understand that they are the only person you'll have, at least for a while. They need to be there for you.

My motto throughout my life is "whats the worst that can happen?". No one knows what the future holds. If you really have made a bad decision its not like you can't go home. So don't worry. Relax, and enjoy your new adventure. Make the most of it, build a new life that is better than the old one with a person you love and don't worry about what ifs.

[Limey 551]

if all you want to do is focus on the stuff you miss, like marmite or eastenders or whatever you will end up in a negative spiral

I never watched soaps, but I love Marmite. And i can buy it here, at my local grocery store in North Carolina!

My wife however tried it in England during the trip where I met her. She thinks its disgusting, even when I explained its a byproduct of brewing, so its essentially beer on toast.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Limey

[DJ6372 111]

I never watched soaps, but I love Marmite. And i can buy it here, at my local grocery store in North Carolina!

My wife however tried it in England during the trip where I met her. She thinks its disgusting, even when I explained its a byproduct of brewing, so its essentially beer on toast.

Haha

My lovely wife tried Marmite, the look on her face was fantastic.........................feet and butt she calls it!

Mind you I think the same about Peanut Butter..................the devils sperm!!